Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Snark and Circumstance

Well...what day is it? It's hump day.

Even babies can read my mind

Let's look at it like they do in the south. Where in the south? Straight to hell. That is how far south we will go...(for example to clarify)...

  1. Go humping if you so choose with a willing partner.
  2. Hump to your heart is content f your significant other designates so on the calendar. 
  3. When you exercise hump day, make sure you have permission. 
  4. You can go hump yourself.

Or it might be bump day if you are Matt Lauer. Holy shit buckets. Maybe they can make the Matt and Charlie Show or Lauer and Handsy.

Not Really. I think they should leave television and go make inventions for people with arthritis. Dinosaurs would even use them. They can call them:

The Handsy Rose and Lauer the Grabber.
Not really. Don't be a tool. It's not really cool to make fun of serious things. Too soon! Too soon!

Do you ever think it is ground hog day? Not Feb. 2nd, but the movie. History repeats itself. The days are repeating themselves. I'm getting a little scared. So, let's go back in time to 2009 in order to clarify what is happening today in my college classes. I must also preface that this call in 2009 occurred over and over and over but with different people throughout my cop career.

WTF just happened

So, I picked up this girl on a warrant. Stuck her in the g-ride and drove diligently to the jail.

She had a mouthpiece...you know, the kind that her mother would not approve. She was very disrespectful and cussing the entire time. Not that I have a perfect mouth, but I try to use discretion when those words slip out. Love these types. Please, Lord, give me some duct tape and make it legal to use it!

Well, I listened to it. Why? Because I had to and I could not transport her in the trunk. So, to soften the blows, I turned my music up a little. You know my music. It's a little...well..."rappy."

Yeah, as you would guess, that didn't make her happy. You know what she did? Yep, she did...she said, "Oh, bad ass bitch cop gonna drown me out with her music. I see how you are..." On and on. She didn't tell me that only once, but twice, thrice, quatro, cinco...on and on.

As we approached our landing, almost to the jail, she stops and says, "I'm majoring in criminal justice. I'm going to sue you! You didn't read me my rights."

Most often statements like these are followed by the famous Fargo eye roll, but she couldn't see it when I was in front of her as her pilot. Who would want to waste that valiant effort on that empty soul?

I calmly stated, "Miss, I don't have to read you your rights unless I am going to ask you questions. Maybe you should read Miranda v. Arizona and other case law. See, you are arrested on a small bench warrant...really nothing I'm interested in because I concentrate on catching real criminals, not wannabes. But here you are in my patrol car. Had to arrest you because of a warrant. Nope. Don't have to read you your rights...and the Judge says I have to arrest you. Because if the Judge didn't make me, I would toss you right out. Why? Because you are annoying. However, if you want to exercise your rights, I would suggest you pay attention to your right to be silent."

Well, that shut her up believe it or not. Oh, yeah, old and wise beats young and hostile...every time.

Either this day keeps repeating itself or I am getting paybacks from being so snarky on duty. I think she followed me to grad school and sits next to me in a policy class. Karma. She is such a bitch!

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Why Are Gator Holes And Sexual Harassment Considered Underrated?

Today's post is brought to you by black coffee which is the only real way to drink it, the color "quinine blue", and the letter F.


Hope everyone's Thanksgiving holiday was wonderful. And now according to popular belief, we should all be in Christmas mode. This is a lot to keep up with and I do not know if I can meet the expectations. After all, I'm a crazy grad student occupied with papers and finals.


And another flat tire. This one happened because of a pot hole, as I call them. Here, they call them chuck holes. Now when the dude said, "Ma'am, I can't fix this tire because obviously you damaged the side wall in a chuck hole", I was like...what the hell are you saying? First, I get he was telling me my $8.00 fix was now $100-150 because I heard "can't fix tire"...unless there was a sale. Second, who the fuck is Chuck?
Indiana road obstacles

When I blinked a lot and looked perplexed, he explained that big holes in the road cause problems when tires go in them.

Well, duh.

I really wanted to ask him if Chuck was a gator that reached right in there and ate my tire. Or as they say around here...taihr.

They circled the bubble and the seal problem around the rim and nicely explained again to me what happened including showing me my bent rim. Sometimes, you just have to act the dumb blond part and move on.

In the meantime, I am figuring out a way that the city's lack of road repairs costing me yet another big expense, is going to become their problem. I need a campaign idea to get them to do their job. Perhaps the FBI investigating them every freaking year is part of the problem. Maybe the FBI can find out where the infrastructure funds ran off too.

Damn gators.


No matter how I write about this topic, it is going to fry me with fans. Burn, baby, burn! There is song in my head. Oh yeah. Johnny "Magnificent" Travolta...

But here goes. Disco inferno, y'all.

I have some concerns about all the sexual harassment and sexual assault allegations flowing wildly around the inter-webs. Don't get me wrong, these are bad news. I will get to the real part, but have to first preface my opinions with some background.

I think people misunderstand the difference between the two. So first...we will do definitions. Sexual harassment is not a criminal offense. It is a workplace violation. Sexual assault is both. Neither one are good at all.

Now this brings me to say...people are popping off too freely with any words about opinions and judgments on this and what I mean is that these are serious allegations. Some have been proven and some are not.

Careers are getting ruined from unsubstantiated allegations and accusations. Now that doesn't mean they didn't happen, that just means..WOW. In my cop world, that is a scary thing. For instance, actors are getting fired when someone says they harassed them 20 years ago. That's not a specific example, just one to show how this is going. Shows are getting cancelled. I'm flabbergasted by this.

Again, before you throw rotten eggs at me, I'm not saying they did or did not happen. And usually when there are more than 2 singing birds, there is a problem. That's what we call a clue. But I'm just floored that allegations and accusations alone are frying these people to the ground.

Do you know how much it takes to prove a criminal case? Fuck me in the ass. Sometimes even with more probable cause than you could stuff up an elephant's butt, the bad guys still got nothing.

Of course the burden for a sexual harassment claim is less but equally important. I think every allegation should be investigated thoroughly and completely without any favoritism or bias.  

So for this to be the new norm...SCARY. I'm not saying Hollywood isn't Hollyweird, because we all know it's true. Right now it is a shit storm and I would be terrified of working in it. Is this going to be the new norm?
You know it

People are doing the right thing by coming forward. I think thorough investigations need to happen. Sexual harassment is a workplace violence and may not involve the police. It should involve the employers, employees, and any federal punishments as far as the victims: employment protection and those rights and circumstances go. Sexual harassment is not going to put someone in jail unless it went to a physical altercation or sexual assault.

However, I really want to know what sparked this to be OK to tell now, but not when it happened? What changed?

It's an epidemic.

Stop asking so and so if they support someone or not, believe someone or not, and let the authorities and employers figure this hell, fire, and damnation shit storm out. That's you, media. Stop it. That shit is divisive and is not good for the victims. Due process. I think we have lost that notion. We skip trial and go right to public frying.

Yes, along with the real, comes the fake as people see this ruins people, they will try to do it by voicing fake allegations. That's why it is important to let authorities figure this out and not play it out in the media and court of public opinion. Equally so, you ruin any form of justice because of the crap you publish tainting potential juries, witnesses, etc.

This is a disclaimer of my personal opinion...take it, leave it, like it, hate it. Bam.


What rhymes with stooping? Ah pooping

Speaking of stooping to all new lows, I was asked to write this article about pooping on duty. Lordt, help me. It was supposed to be less academic with more YHUMOR...that's east coast for funny. I might have gotten a little carried away. It's not doing too well.

Why Are Gator Holes And Sexual Harassment Considered Underrated?

People underestimate gator holes and sexual harassment.  
They both cost you a lot of money if you don't watch out. 

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

How To Solve The Biggest Problems With Crazy Hair and Feast Fashion

My hair is nutso.

Untamed and wild. Just like my spirit. I bet you might have noticed that in small doses I give you.

Mwahahaha! I know. That was funny.

Well, today you get the first glimpse of me wearing my hair at work with a wash and dry. Why? Because it is history.
Fat hair, don't care. Fat face, running in place.
The history of me going out in public with crazy hair. I could just pinch my fat cheeks. Gah.

Additionally, this post is not about hands or those groping fuckers which takes up all of the news.

Notice in the picture I still have my evil eye even if I have lost a little edge. I have gained a TON of weight. Egads. I have been pumping iron for months and now my gut (it's huge) tells me I need to be going on a fast now to shred some lard. I can lift more than I ever have at the bench press, however, so I am stoked about that. I'm pretty sure I am fat farm girl fresh and could body slam any fat redneck into the ground. Arrr!

Well, even if I tripped them and slammed down on them or if I fell on someone, it would really hurt from the compression.

Instead of the ordinary, we are going to talk outside the box today. First off, this hair would not be work appropriate if I was the PoPo. It would have had to be high and tight, like those Robert Palmer bitches. Could you imagine if I showed up sporting a poodle doo? Yep. Nope. Nope.

Next up, what should you wear for Thanksgiving? Feast Fashion. Poop shit. This is an area of suckage. I might get my ideas from People of Walmart. 

Let's take a look at Rhianna. She has some mountain man fashionista plaid going on here, but I really think it is boob inappropriate. You shouldn't have your goods falling out onto the table during feasting moments. I am confused if she is trying to portray a new look with issue BDUs or protesting the police by making fun of their uniform and stating, "anyone can wear it". Um. No. 
Not proper to be boobilicious for Thanksgiving
Is it OK to be casual? Well, how the hell do I know? It's your family.

Let's give some options. What happens when it is semi-formal attire?

So if you are super poor, but have a mother or grandmother, go raid their closet. It's OK even if you have shorter arms. Take Victoria Beckham for instance, here sporting her grandmother's block print.

Dazzling, right?
Victoria Beckham in someone else's clothes

For me, we are not so formal. I used to get invited to friends' houses where I would dress nice, but that does not happen anymore.

Maybe I wore out my welcome.

One year, I had other plans and then had to decline the nice offer. I was never asked again. Kind of hurt my feelers, but I understand.

It's Ok.

But it still hurts.

I can show up in my jammies now. I might not even take a shower.

Let's talk about fit. Clothing fittage, not fitness. It is important that you have wiggle room in your clothes so you can gorge. Or pockets to save snacks for later. If you are in your own home, you do not need to steal. You could gussy it up in attire with expansion like this:
Casual for Thanksgiving
If I really felt like whipping out some of my old dresses in the closet, I could gown it out. But who wants to do that? It's nice and all, but really not practical. I can tell you, it sucks when you dribble gravy down your cleavage. It messes up the dress, too. No one wants dribble scars.

And so there you have some Feast Fashion suggestions.

For the men...wear pants.

That's all I have for today.

We should have talked shoes. I love shoes.