Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Friday, June 23, 2017

Unicorn Lessons

This story still makes me laugh. I love kids, especially ones who really aren't bad kids, but just might be out there pulling juvenile pranks. In their minds, they are just having some innocent fun but with a little edge.

We just so happen to run into quite a few good kids who maybe just needed a little guidance. Basically, you know you have good kids in front of you when they shit their pants because the cops pulled them over. It's a clue. If they fear the cops in a respectful manner, they are mostly good.

Officer Squirrel and I were on special assignment during the night. We worked hard and tried to find DUIs, traffic violations, suspicious persons walking. Basically, anyone out in our sight was meat. These would be prime training opportunities. FTO 101.

About 11:00 p.m., a red car caught our attention. Not because of a traffic violation...because they were clearly hauling around stolen property...

Actual captured photo of suspect car. Photo credit: Fargo

OFFICER SQUIRREL: Do you two know why we pulled you over?

BOHEMIAN JOHN: Yes, sir. [nodding his head]

OFFICER SQUIRREL: Not only did you steal a traffic pylon, but you duct taped it to your windshield. It's kind of obvious you were going to get caught. And what about the "shoo police" on your back window?

BOHEMIAN JOHN: The part that says...Magical Unicorn Ride?

OFFICER SQUIRREL: Yes. You do realize it looks like you have a you know what taped to your windshield.

BOHEMIAN MATT: Yes, sir. We thought it was funny.


ME: It sounded like a great idea at the time, right?

BOHEMIAN JOHN: We were just talking about that when we were pulling over for you, Ma'am.

So...we ran the little buggers and they didn't have a criminal record and were just freshmen in college. We threw the hammer down on them and made them drive 3 miles back to where they stole the cone and put it back, had a little lecture, and a little Fargo one on one time.

ME: Thanks, boys. Hope you make some better choices. You can be funny, but don't steal, even if it's seems like a little thing.

BOHEMIAN MATT: Thanks so much, Ma'am.

ME: Remember one thing.

BOHEMIAN JOHN: Yes, Ma'am. What is that?

ME: You don't have to have a traffic cone taped to your windshield to look like a couple of dickheads.

BOHEMIAN JOHN/MATT: [simultaneously] Yes, Ma'am. Thanks again.

With that last profound statement, we sent them on their way. I have to admit while I was driving down the road, I was laughing so hard the tears were flying. It was that contagiously chronic laughter. We both couldn't stop...probably because we used to do those dumb things, too.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Awesomius Randomis

How do I write thee words?

Bucket list:

1. Boating accident. (check )
1A. Near drowning incident. (check, check, check)
2. Car dying at Shoe Carnival. (check )
3. Near death experiences. (check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check)

                     Yes, I noticed #3 is up to 8. I probably had more, but those are what I remember.


I have no idea why my bucket list veers off the opposite direction of what I write down. It's like the pen lies or something.

Because my mother won't approve of the language on these memes, I apologize in advance. I can say I have given two fucks today...to all of you. Really. I do care. You held me up during some of my darkest hours when I was just an anonymous cop blogger.

Again, I apologize for the vulgarity and snarky humor. Wait. Why do you keep coming back here?

Meanwhile, politicians continue to capture the spotlight. Pelosi's own people are turning against her and the headlines read that Republicans love her because she turns her own party toward conservatives? I don't know. I don't write the garbage. I just share it. It probably means I am part of the problem.

While all this was going on, I was schooling and writing articles. Here is the latest on Criminaljusticedegree.com about what to do after you become a cop. I am slowly working on books. I am transferring them from the stone tablets to digital documents with features. Not really, but it feels that way.

Healthcare protesters are getting crazy. Once you change or take away something people feel are "rights", then they get violent. Who is going to tell them it is not a right? Those are in the Bill of Rights. Some may have also been formed from case law, but I don't see any out there about healthcare yet. It's a sham. Let's just have free healthcare for everybody, government subsidizes all and doctors will all be paid the same. Yeah. I don't think it works that way. It sounded good at the time I wrote it except for all those little loopholes and exceptions I forgot to add. I don't have any solutions, I just point out the problems.

Me? Part of the problem? I'm slipping.

I have to watch what I say and text and type these days, because now you can be tried for crimes inciting tragedies. Case in point: Michelle Carter. Her texts were awful. Truly awful. I have no words. I can't even mind channel where she was coming from or what purpose did she serve? She sounded like one of those mean girls. The significance of her case is that it is now case law. Your words can have consequences: severe ones. I think maybe kids are too immature to have phones. We didn't have these issues when I was a kid. We had party lines and you certainly didn't want to air your laundry on the phone. It also took a long time to dial and wait, so by the time the process was complete, you forgot what you were going to say. Face to face communication was where most of that was at.

Of course the GOP shooting at the baseball game has flooded your news feed everywhere. I find it odd that the FBI ruled it just an assault and not a targeted assassination or domestic terrorist act. Hate crime? I don't know. Maybe they are trying to scale down these incidents. Next thing you know, they will be labeling them as an abandoned vehicle problem or malicious mischief. Disorderly conduct?

Check out this article on firearms safety. Quick! Read now before all thing warm and fuzzy that go bang become a hot topic of gun control again. Oh wait. Too late. You might see a pic of me on there somewhere. Enjoy the articles. Give me some feedback if you wish. Pass me around like a Thursday hooker.
It's true.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Twangled Are The Twords.

First let me say, may the Navy souls rest in peace who lost their lives on the USS Fitzgerald.
Bless all those survivors in the recent attacks and may those innocents who perished at the hands of evil rest in peace.

As for you bad guys, fuck you. I'm sick of your shit. I wish I could extinguish you myself.

While life is passing me by and world is going to hell, I calmly frantically study. Many days I am worried I am going to stroke out or seize up from anxiety. Any of those long forgotten days of undergrad have rapidly returned to me. I know. You are sick of hearing this shit and Fargo, just suck it up. I wish I could. I try. All I do is get fatter and more seized up. My exercise routine went by the way side and I have recently picked it back up and let me say that I have lost a LOT of progress. I digressed 10 years.

So, in order to make things better, I am going to conduct a squat challenge. It has no prizes except maybe a JLo booty in the end. I am challenging myself and you to do 100 squats a day for 30 days. Let me help you with counting. That is thirty, not 28, not 27, not 31. You don't get extra credit. Also, challenge is on to drink the right amount of water per day. That is usually 8-8oz glasses, but look it up for your body.

I can't do any of these challenges with my kiddo. My daughter needs help with calendar days. After getting her license, I told her she could not have any passengers (kids) in her car for 6 months. She yelled at me and said I was unreasonable and said "the law was 180 days, mom." I said, yeah, that's 6 months. She threw a fit and said I was lying to her.

Go figure it out, math wizard kid.


I suppose you are really sick of the melancholy posts and Sad Sack ways of Fargo as of late. Many of you may not even know who/what Sad Sack was/is? Google it. On the other note, I'm sorry. I have no interesting news.
Not really. That would make me sick.
However, some days,..

As I write this, I am also choking down a protein shake which is very chalky this morning. I hope it helps, because it was torture drinking the thing. They need to put accurate descriptions on their products: "Tastes like green chunky wet chalk going down with hints of berry and if not properly mixed will be like a sewage sludge going down the hatch which might catch on the esophagus causing you to heave. But it's oh so good for you." That's more accurate.

The national news is pretty doomsday if you ask me. Every channel, station, outlet conflicts another or spins a little more one way than the next. I can't even piece together the truth. I do think everyone hates the US right now until they get into a bind. It's super. It's like the nation of cops. Everyone hates you. We used to be the nation of firefighters and everyone loved us. I know. That is such a bad analogy.

I'm actually mad. Fat people get that way a lot. Maybe we should do a study on anger and see if it is attributed to obesity.

I'm mad because no one cares about the truth and I can't find it. If you think about it in cop terms, that's real anguish right there. Sometimes I shut off any searching for news and just wait for my phone alerts or Facebook to tell me what is going on. I think that is driving with blinders? Or the blind leading the blind?

Anyway, you get my drift. What does that even mean? I have no idea.

So idioms are/were oms created by idiots, thus making the word "idiom".  When you have multiple idiot oms, you call them idioms, plural, with an s.

If I call on Webster, the meaning is even more convoluted: "a group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from those of the individual words."

It's no wonder all the kids have problems in school. 

So we spew out words which have meaning but the meaning is not deductible from the words. 

See what I mean? The struggle is real. 

And we keep using these idioms over and over and pretend to know what they mean? 

I am flabbergasted.

That has nothing to do with flubber or gas. 

I know. That wasn't an idiom.


I know that.