Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatball

Redheaded Stepchild over at Say Anything... challenged me to write about the funniest popo story during my career so far. That was tough. There are years to wade through and lots of laughs. But...one sticks out in my mind. So...it's the funniest story right now...this minute.

It was a dark and cloudy night in spring of 1998. Yes, I can remember this.

Also...found my police journal awhile back. This story was in it.

Working on the Ruthless Crew...at this time in my life I was a whopping 115 pounds of police power. Mostly mouth.

Anyhoo, on my shift was a large fat bald man I called Meatball. Huge. Like Chris Farley without hair. He used to call himself Ton Of Fun. Randini called him Tubby. I preferred Meatball...it was more fitting.

On this night, we got into a vehicle pursuit which lead to a foot pursuit. Only Meatball was the lead car. That's like me running a marathon. I might get to the finish line the next day. Only because I gauk around, get distracted, and don't focus. The Boulder Boulder is my type of run...music, activities, etc. Meatball's excuse was because he liked donuts. Lots of them.

Meatball called out the foot pursuit which sounded much like cat wheezing and furball coughing. Pretty soon...we heard nothing. He didn't answer his radio. Back in those days...it was simple. No GPS. No Bat signals. No emergency buttons on our police radios with GPS tracking. Nothing.

Randini and I arrived first. The rest of the backup was behind us or around us. Some spread out in a different area, so we could be more effective in finding Meatball. Afterall, it wouldn't be very hard. Fat man...in a little ciiitttyyy....or something. Tommy Boy had been out by then and was probably our favorite movie and reminded us all of Meatball.

Turning the corner of a terraced business district, we still were at a loss. We called out...we flashed our flashlights. No Meatball. We started to wonder if he got ambushed by the bad guy. Pretty soon, we heard...

"Psst. Hey, youuu guuuyyyssss! I'm up here! Help me. Help me!"

Randini and I looked up. There was Meatball hanging off a chain link fence which was 3 feet on one side and 6 feet on the drop side. His little stumps of legs were running in place and he was going nowhere as his duty belt was hung up on the top. We busted out laughing. Meatball didn't think it was funny.

MEATBALL: "Get me down from here."

ME: Nope. You look like a trophy on a wall. I'm getting my camera.

RANDINI: Yeah...get the camera.

MEATBALL: Don't you dare. I will hunt you down.

ME: Hey, look...it's Pig On a Stick.

RANDINI: Hey, Tubby! You look like one of those Dum Dum suckers. Emphasis on Dum Dum.

MEATBALL: You guys are fucking comedians.  Get me down.

ME: Maybe we ought to wait for the sergeant to get here.

MEATBALL: Get me down. You know he will write me up. He hates me.

So, Randini and I tortured him for a little bit. Then we had to make plans to get him down. I got up on the 3 foot side and Randini stayed on the drop side so he could help with the BIG DUMBO DROP.  As hard as I tried with all my might to pull his duty belt off the top of the fence to release Meatball, my efforts were futile.

RANDINI: You look like a monkey fucking a gigantic football...actually like the Goodyear Blimp. Let me get up there and you come down here to this sodded area where we can drop him down.

ME: We need a damn crane.

MEATBALL: You are such a bitch.

RANDINI: Hey. Who's the idiot stuck on the fence?

AnyChristmastimebynow, Randini went up on the terraced part and I went down to the drop off side. He thought about it for awhile and looked over the Meatball situation. He said he was going to try to pull the belt up. It didn't work. He said he had another idea. Operation BIG DUMBO DROP was underway again.

Randini released Meatball's belt keepers and the belt gave way. Meatball fell. As he was coming down...I saw my life flash before me. It was slow motion. Meatball was running and flailing and falling in mid-air. I was not moving...in shock...wide-eyed and thinking NNNNOOOOOO. Down he came...and landed... on me. Knocking me over as I misjudged and he flew farther out than we all planned...his bald head hit square in the middle of my gut. It knocked the wind right out of me... for awhile. Meatball and Randini were laughing so hard they may have peed their pants. Finally, they gave a shit and asked me if I was alright.

ME: Yep. [barely able to talk]So glad you didn't land a few inches shorter. I wouldn't be able to have kids.

MEATBALL: Doh! That would have been funny!

ME: Pervert.

RANDINI: Yeah, pervert.

Needless to say, Randini and I were sworn to secrecy. I agreed only because I thought I could use it to my advantage later. We made up a story and told the sergeant that Meatball's portable radio had died and of course, the fat man lost the bad guy. This is the first time I have broken my secret pact.


Ms. Anthropy said...

Sure would have been easier if Meatball would have kicked a shoe off and at least gotten a couple of piggies in the fence, for support. Probably could have unloosed himself. At least it would have kept him from falling on you.

Momma Fargo said...

He probably wasn't that agile. He was an idiot. So glad he quit a few years back. Free entertainment, tho. He did a lot of silly things....more so than me.

Anonymous said...

LOL @ Pig on a stick!

That whole story was hilarious!

Momma Fargo said...

The Blue Zoo,

Glad you liked it! It still makes me laugh to think about it.

Anonymous said...

I think I might be your new stalker!

RedheadedStepchild said...

Oh my. LOL The picture in my head...ROFL Those belts must be super strong.

TechnoBabe said...

This being the first time you have broken your secret pact, you must not be worried about Meatball exacting revenge. This was a very funny story though. Glad you broke the pact.

BlackLOG said...

I'm not sure about you not being able to give birth, sounds more like you would have given unbirth to meatball....

My dad was a Policeman in London, the stories he could tell. I guess it makes up for some of the sh*t you guys have to put up with.....

Ann T. said...

Dear Momma Fargo,
It really is too bad you were in the way. He probably would have bounced back up and given himself a grille on the chain link fence.

You make me laugh, so hard,
No he would have been perfect for one of those ovary bumper stickers.

Ann T.

CI-Roller Dude said...

Tell me you took a picture...
I wish we had these nice digital cameras 30 years ago...somethings are so hard to describe.
I've known many fatties in my time who, for the most part would not even try to climb a fence or...even start running after somebody because they knew it would kill them.

I remember jumping over a few fences and turning around and having this shocking fear when I understood that I was going to be on my own unless my back up, who was standing on the other side staring, could somehow knock down the fence to get to me.

Later, when I got smart...I'd stop before I jumped over the fence and ask the cop or deputy I was with: "can you climb over this??? or are we letting this one get away?"

I stopped going alone...it wasn't worth it.

Bethany said...


One time when I was at an underage kegger party, the cops came to bust it up & I took off running. I grabbed this little chain-link fence and went to throw myself over, only my belt got caught & I was hanging UPSIDE-DOWN on the other side. Luckily, help came along...lol

Momma Fargo said...

Eternally Distracted,

LOL. Stalk away!

Redheaded Stepchild,

They are. LMAO. We only wish it would have broke the first time.


He's not a cop anymore, so it's all good. LOL.


I'm sure your dad has some good stories. LOL.

Ann T.,

LOL. Meatball was something else. He would have been a poster child for a lot of things.

CI Roller Dude,

Back then we had those big 35 mm cameras. I didn't take a pic. The one in my head is bad enough. Nowdays...I wish I had gotten my camera afterall. LOL.


You little rebel. LMAO!

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Thanks for the giggles, Momma!!
I'm falling off my chair. Now I think that you will be expecting Meatball's revenge LOL
Hope you have a fab weekend!
Betty xx


Ha ha! That's a great story! I'm guessing meatball doesn't read your blog?