Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Resident Evil: Afterlife

The night was still, dark, and the cooling temperatures of fall were starting to creep through my uniform. Clouds moved in and a silent, gentle rain fell all night. Luck would have it the rangemaster announced shotgun qualifications under these circumstances. And so...Lunch Money and I made our way through the storm toward the range.

Loaded up and ready for war, I felt like Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil...only not that hot.

The Rangemaster announced the qualifications and we proceeded to our marks. Starting from the 50 yard line, we worked our way forward. Me with a shotgun is like hot sex. I love them. Especially modified tactical style with a pistol grip and a shorty stock. Pump action. Although most of the guys prefer the Benelli semi-auto. I'm all about the pump action Remington 870 modified. And I look cool. That's what counts when you are a girl with a big gun.

Lunch Money and I did as the Rangemaster said. His shots were right on and so our competition began. Even though we were there to qualify, Lunch Money and I had a little game going. That's what happens when you get two girls together. Power struggle. And he was such a bitch.

Approaching the 5 yard line, we were neck and neck and almost to the end of the qualification. Advancing toward our targets, our senses were elevated with the rain and darkness. We could hear our boots pounding the ground as we came upon our targets. The final command was set and we fired our last rounds.

RANGEMASTER: 96, what the hell did you just do?

ME: [blowing raindrops off my hair] Uh, I shot the target right through the middle and killed the bastard like I was supposed to.

RANGEMASTER: No. I saw that. What the hell are you doing firing that weapon from the hip.

ME: I just saw Resident Evil 3D. And it's cool to shoot like that. And the bad guy is dead. And I didn't miss. And I looked cool....like Milla. Did I say I looked cool and I killed him?

RANGEMASTER: What the fuck does Milla have to do with police qualifications?

ME: She's hot.

RANGEMASTER: I don't know what we are going to do with you.

ME: Well, you don't state in your qualification policy that I have to have the front sight picture alignment and the gun at my face. So...in real life, I will probably do the same thing. Sometimes you are so close to your threat, you have to aim and fire. Sometimes you have to adapt to the little alien zombies.

RANGEMASTER: We are shooting people here! Not aliens! Not zombies!

ME: Right.


Deb said...

Hey, if you're going to shoot big guns you better damn well look cool doing it. None of that namby pamby sighting the gun crap. Keep on workin' it!

I know you looked a hell of a lot better than your current bitchy side kick.

Stay safe!

CI-Roller Dude said...

When I run the range, I don't care how an officer or soldier holds the weapon, as long as it's safe and they hit the target.

Momma Fargo said...

Deb, CI-Roller,


TechnoBabe said...

Hey, I agree with you. You killed him. You passed with flying colors.

Christy said...

Sometimes the bad guys are aliens. Don't you think?

Anonymous said...

A hit is a hit. You should get extra credit for doing it with style.

Mesmerix said...

I just discovered your blog through Mad Jack's recommendation, and after reading this post, I am so glad I did! Killing zombies is what life's all about, or should be. :P

The Queen said...

I would love to spend my summer vacation just following you around and watching you look cool.. I think it would make me look cool... or like a stalker.. either way. I'm good with it..and it would make for a great vacation.

Does your Department have an old lady ride along program.. cause I'm in..

suz said...

You didn't specify - please say you outshot the bitch. Good to know he's got skills.

Mrs Mom said...

Hey kick ass new look here Momma! It totally suits you ;)

Nice work with the Remington too.. sweeeet!

We're gonna have to get you a special t-shirt...
"End Of The World Go To Girl:
When The Zombies Strike,
Call The Momma-nator"

*giggle* (I think the cold medicine is kicking in... sorry!)

Daffy said...

I love the way you think.

If there is a way to do it and look hot...DO IT

Anonymous said...

LOVES! We are one in the same..I'll bet you were hotter than Milla!

The Queen said...

I love this layout.. and you have two awards at my house..


Sean said...

Please, please, please come to my range and teach some of these officers some humor like this... instructing them is like pulling gorram teeth!

Ed said...


So are you.

Jackie said...

RIGHT!!! Note to self when Zombie attack head straight for Momma Fargo she will protect me!(And Avoid Sean as he is not able to kill zombies!)


Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
Like your choice in shotguns.
I've just got a Harrington & Richardson Pardner Pump Protector 12 Ga 19.5" barrel(870 clone).

Also love your Resident Evil gig 'ya got goin' on...
Most perps ARE "zombies".

Hey, whatever works to bring down the baddies works for me.
(you can tell the rangemaster that)

Roll safe out there.

Anonymous said...

haa!! This is hilarious. you're awesome. :-) Note to self- i will come seek you out in the event of zombie apocolypse. :-)

The Green-Eyed Brat said...

I found you through the Queen.

I. Love. Your. Blog.

The Grumpy Dispatcher said...

I love this blog. Just frickin' love it.

Coffeypot said...

It's had to look hot when you also look like a drowned rat...wait, put that damn shotgun down. YOU ARE HOT, HOT, HOT. Damn! Bitch!

Texas Ghostrider said...

sometimes a girl gotta do what a girl s gotta do. Hip shooting is so sexy, you go girl!

GunDiva said...

Momma, I loved my tacti-cooled 870. 6-position AR butt-stock, pistol grip, surefire forend, 6-round side-saddle and Ballistics Resources tactical sling. *sigh* I miss that gun.

Good thing I'm building myself a new one - flat black this time.

And I swear, there was nothing sexier than me with that gun. And no man would dare say otherwise, 'cause, well, I was armed.