Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Friday, October 8, 2010

Define ME...Karmachameleon

Freedom of speech. I believe in the Constitution, the Bill of Rights...what our country was founded on. I believe in God. Do I believe in Karma? I don't know. Mostly not.

I received a comment on one of my past posts about "my psychological issues" relating to the process I was going through when my husband decided to leave me after 22 years together.

Apparently, that person, "Annie", was upset I had lied to a suspect to gain a confession. Cop shit 101. No one understands it unless they have been in the copworld, or they believe cops use tactics...which are legal...by the way, to investigate or interrogate. Am I a liar? No. Have I lied? Yes. Doesn't make any sense. Yes. I use tactics in my job which do not define me as a person.

So Annie believes Karma has bitten me in the ass...

Do I think when I walk down a road and step on an innocent ant carrying his lunch home that I will someday stumble on that same road and hit my head because I killed a creature? No. I. do. not. I believe in Natural Selection.

Do I think that if I pull a weed and put it in the compost pile instead of burning in my fire pit and roasting weenies over it...that somehow I will be rewarded? Not unless you compare composted soil to a good weenie.

Do I think because I mow my lawn and cut the heads off the grass blades that death will fall upon my doorstop some day? For the love of Harriet.

Do I think God will strike us down when we do bad? Well, if that was true...no human life would be left here. I think God forgives.

I believe in being a steward to the Earth and helping people. I think most people are good, not evil. Even though I often only deal with evil...most people are good. Living good...doesn't mean with material riches.

My blog is me. It is who I am. What I have seen, what I think, what I have witnessed, what I was told, what I FEEL. Simple as that. You get to know the cop as a person. Daily struggles...triumphs...and the insides and outs of cop work...and my personal life...the in betweens.

To overanalyze me or define me by Karma is ridiculous. I am no mystery. I am a human being inside a cop suit. Citizens often look at us as the "untangible human figure." We struggle with that stereotype and battle on a daily basis.

I think like a cop and mother 24/7. I am a girl. I like to be a girl. I am country. I am city. I am many things. Define me. I like it all like that. Most of all...I am good. I protect people. I open my heart to others, yet, I can de-personalize things from work.

If you were to define me by one thing...know I have HEART.  I know who I am. Am I lost? No. But I am going through a tough and sad time which has a light at the end of the tunnel. That is all it is.

I haven't changed since I was a kid. I've always been generous and giving. If I stopped doing that...well, that's just not going to happen. No matter how much I get "beaten" up by life.

There is no abandonement issue. There are no bad things I learned from my parents. My dad was a great father and role model. My mother is a kind and gentle soul. Although I haven't always agreed with everything they have done...I have loved them unconditionally. And the bad things in life...are behind, not something I even remember or hold onto to. I was taught forgiveness at a very young age. It stuck. I came out of my parents separation a stronger person and I got to know my father. And now I am getting to know my mother. How can that be bad?

Was my marriage dysfunctional? Yes, at times it was. Give and take on both sides. At times it was very good. More good than bad. And I stayed because of love. I didn't stay because I was stuck or scared to be alone. I didn't stay because I was weak. I stayed because I loved him. Good and bad. Simple as that. Was I living a dream? No. I was living life. I still am living life. I have feelings.  I write about fairytales and Princesses because as a kid that is what you dream about. I still believe it. Disney did that to me. Sue me. I'm a little girl like that.

Because I took snapping, belittling, and yelling doesn't mean I was battered. It meant I was strong because it didn't make me a victim. It didn't make me lash out. It didn't make me hide. It didn't make me treat people as I had been treated.  And it didn't happen on a daily basis. It did happen a lot. Did I stand up for myself...yes. Did I lose the battle...yes. Did I think he would eventually stop being like that? I don't know. It's OK. If I find someone later in life...well, I will choose a lot more wisely.

People are not perfect. Is my husband a bad person? No. What he did and does isn't right or good. His life is on a bad path. But he has good in him. Have I hated him? No. I do not hate. But I have disliked what he has become.

I am not afraid to be alone. I have been alone a lot. Married and single. I'm independent and strong. Again...I am not a mystery to be unfolded. I give you myself right out in the open. The Dragon's soft spot revealed.

When I write...I write the emotions I go through. What should scare you the most is the crisis or emotions cops go through...and the fact they have to put on a game face at work...while we protect you...and do it fairly. Imagine that stress overload and the burdens they are able to carry. And I do. That should scare people. Or maybe not. Cops can take a lot and keep on ticking.

That should tell you, Annie, how strong I am. The fact that I share my journey, my emotions...should not make you overanalyze what you read. Or even overanalyze me. Everyone goes through change. Everyone goes through emotional times...good and bad. Take me how I am.

Am I sorry that I have shared my emotions or thoughts on my blog? Absolutely not. And I will continue. And anyone can still comment as they wish. It's Freedom of Speech and I embrace it. Am I upset at Annie? No. It's her opinion. Did I scowl when I read that? No. I did think WTF. Someone who really doesn't know me...thought she would analyze me from a computer. And some of what you said, Annie, was right. But some was very wrong. You missed the mark. Queenie and Red summed it up enough.

I don't study human behavior from a book or think I can look inside someone's mind. I live human behavior when I am in your house...seeing how you act....what you have...how you live...how you treat others. I'm pretty good at it. And I try to help during that time based upon human behavior. I know people. I know myself. Do I have a change to go through? Yes. Am I still me? Yes.

The only thing that should be abandoned around here is hate.

The reason I said I was going to someday believe that being ALONE was OK....was simply because I chose to grow old with someone.  And now a different choice was being made by someone else. Loss of control or choice. If you want to label it...it was that. Growing old with someone...that was the path I wanted to take. It doesn't mean that I have abandonement issues. It doesn't mean I fear being alone. It was just simple. 

So here's what I think of your Karmachameleon....SQUISH!


Coffeypot said...

If all you have ever done to a prisoner is lie to him, then the prisoner should feel lucky. Lying to get a confession or information is better than the good old days when the cops would have beat the shit out of him for the same information or confession.

But they are real weenies like Annie out there. I bet she is even a…ugh…Democrat. She sounds like one of those Liberals. But I will pray for her that karma doesn’t come around and bit her in her bitch-ass.

Dee said...

*thunderous applause*

You go, Girl!

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the whole - you are to blame for him leaving. Ummmmm......NOT! He made the choice to break the vows and leave the marriage.

Deb said...

Well said, very well said!

wolfshades said...

You daydream of the Princess.

I daydream that karma is real, as is reincarnation (unfortunately, I believe in neither). Wouldn't it be great if they existed?

And wouldn't it be just amazingly wonderful if Tom Cruise came back as a mother with 23 kids, and all kinds of post partum depression? And the only meds available were aspirin and a large rock -with which to hit your own head?

Hey, we can all dream. :)

I'm really grateful that you have no regrets on writing what you do in your blogs, by the way. Big time.

Mrs Mom said...

I missed the assessment by Ms. Annie, but I'll tell her- just from what I read in this post- girl, y'all just don't have the easy answer for this woman. Not at all. You can try to analyze her till the cows come home, but you know what? Till you have walked a mile in her moccasins, and LIVED her life, you don't stand a chance.

Sorry Ms. Annie, but from the sounds of things, y'all missed the mark in a big way. Go back to your book ma'am, and toss it aside for a while. Live the life before you throw the words around on the computer screen.

Momma, we love you. Cowgirl up babycakes, and know we gotcherback ;)

TechnoBabe said...

I so like that you are against hate. Hate clouds the issues and makes us stupid. Keep writing, please.

VandyJ said...

I don't really believe in karma, but I do think what goes around comes around.
You deal how you must to keep moving forward. It's tough to rearrange your thinking about how things are going to turn out when you didn't decide to change things. Keep on keeping on Momma Fargo--your stories brighten our days!

The Queen said...

I have not read this because I just got home. I just wanted to tell you there is a little something waiting for you at the castle. The Royals are pretty pissed off with Annie do Good. We love you..

singedwingangel said...

Aww you were so polite.. I was too..

The Bipolar Diva said...

You pretty much rocked! Good for you!

suz said...

You're smarter than I am, Momma. I couldn't figure out what the hell Annie was saying. It was like reading one book and finding a chapter from a different book right in the middle! Maybe she was projecting (I am smart enough to know my shrink terminology.;D) It sure wasn't you she was rambling about.

Glad you let her have it. Now you can dismiss her because the last thing you need right now is another mindless rant from a raving lunatic. Mine was perfectly adequate, although I do apologize if I was too hard on Hubs. As I said, I know you had your reasons for staying and trying to make it work. (I'm a little emotional myself this week - Baby Boy leaves for boot camp in a few days...)

And Momma, YOU are the light at the end of that tunnel.

Sassy Pants Freckle Face said...

You are awesome keep on rockin',...Let others stew in their own stinky juices,..ewww

The Queen said...

OH,, you are so classy.. not me.. I fired up the bat mobile and we are gathering up the posse' We are on it like flies on horse turds...

us being the flies... Annie.. a horse turd...

see,, told you it was a good thing one of us was classy..

Crazy Brunette said...

Im getting ready to smack a fucking cunt Momma...

I had no idea about Mr. Fargo... Im sorry woman. I've been away too long.

Give me her link immediately.

Amy J - Book Addict said...

You go girl!

GunDiva said...

You *are* a strong woman, Momma Fargo and I'm proud to call you my friend (even if it is bloggerland).

I also had a hard time deciphering that comment and wondered where on earth it came from. It sounded a lot like the preaching we got as kids when my parents got divorced. I had a fourth grade teacher who was absolutely convinced that I was damned because my parents got divorced. Annie's comment was like a flashback twenty some odd years. *shudder*

Momma Fargo said...

Suz, and all,

You were not too harsh on Hubs. Neither was anyone else. I don't know or understand his path or what he has become. Nor do I like it. I think it weird, unhealthy, and mentally a roller coaster. I have my ups and downs, but I can't dwell on his nonsense anymore. It wears me out. So...I will have my tears and sadness...but I have to keep looking forward. Survival 101. :)

Thanks to all for the support. I usually don't answer comments in a post. So...but felt I had to. On to funny stories and mysteries...

Jackie said...

*hugs you tight* A very smart person once said "Flush the negative Nellie's".

This person has no right to judge you honey. You've been through alot but somehow you keep getting up and going. That's more than most people.

You're a very very strong lady you're going to get through this, and inthe mean time you have your blog to talk to and the shoulder of those who read it when you need it!


The Queen said...

Look who I found!!! I should be a cop


Dear Annie, you can run.. but you didn't hide!!!

Bendigo said...

Two words for you...well said...

Well two more words for you ...You Rock!

Mike said...

I am sorry for your pain. You seem to be a very nice person. I hope things work out for you. Blessings to you.

Christy said...

So we just let the criminals run the world? Excuse me?

I think Annie's jealous. She can't write as well as you so she's lashing out. Is that cerebral enough for her?

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:

If you were here right now, I'd HUG 'ya (just make sure we don't bump pistoles)
That was one remarkable post, and I have to admit, covers a lot of *me* as well.

I've been through a breakup (years ago)...we just grew APART...hey, it happens.

I only believe in KARMA when it happens to run over someone's DOGMA...

Maybe I'm cynical...but at least it's with reason.

I've also seen a lot of "stuff" over the decades...some nice, and some coyote ugly (NOT the film).

I'd much rather enounter someone like YOU...being real.
No pretence, no BS...just some truth laced with sarcastic simplicity.

And that's the way we should view everyone...ONE at a time.
Hang in there, trooper!

Stay Strong.
STay safe.

Crazy Brunette said...

I dont think I was so nice... but I love you.

Marti said...

As a cop's kid and a cop's mama, you have my admiration and support. FUCK that slutbitchcuntwhorefromhell Annie who likely has a criminal record. THANK YOU for ALL you do to protect and serve!

Tracie said...

Found you through CB.

What the hell is wrong with people?

I have many friends that are cops - they deserve nothing but our respect and gratitude for putting their asses on the line every friggin day.

What a bitch.

Stay Safe.

Nolens Volens said...

Came over from Crazy Brunette, curiousity piqued... Looks like you can handle snarky people. I hate those too. :)

RN Mama said...

This is my first time to your blog, I clicked over from Crazy Brunette:)

I salute you for writing this post! I hate internet trolls, and blogging drama in general! I hope she gets the message and decides to pick on someone who isn't packing a gun:)

Tennessee Grammie said...

MF darlin'

I am proud of you! Your strength and faith are what will guide you through this hurtful time in your life. We all know, and so do you, that you are a wonderful mother and a genuinely good person. You and Bug have so many who love you, just open your heart and feel the love and prayers we all are sending you.

As we southern ladies are known to say, "bless her heart, Annie is more than a bit touched in the head."

I'm in your corner, I've got your back and will always be here for you. We love you both with all our hearts. Aunt Sue

Moose said...

Anyone who would tell someone that their spouse left them because of something they disapprove of you doing needs one hell of a lot of therapy.

Talk about misplacing your anger. That person needs some serious, serious help.

Jessica said...

Those with the most criticism are often the ones with the least experience.

Had a few of those myself. Fuck em Momma.
Your going through a hellish time, regardless of the why's or who's. Go forward with courage. That's my mantra. - Nothing doubting, and believing in yourself.

BTW: it takes two to tango. If one partner has two left feet and a penchant for assholism .. likely best you start "Dancing with Myself."
The view is better - it just may take some time to see it clear.
I'm here for you.
.. and I always wanted to say this, but never had the opportunity; Fuck You Annie! .. and your daddy Warbucks too!

Well, it made me feel better. I highly suggest it.

Jessica said...

Hello, my name is Jessica, and I'm a liar.
It's been about 4 hours since my last lie.
I told my kids the great pumpkin was real, and that when it showed up I was going to clobber it and eat it.

If it makes you feel any better, I lie to my kids all the time. It's what gets things done round this looney bin.

BTW: they found the biggest pumpkin they could and told me to beat it.

Wrexie said...

Survival 101. Hey... I took that course. Professor Life can be an ass! (and so can some people)
But there is much to be said for happiness. Life is too short to try to fix unfixable stuff. I thought 20+ years was a good effort too...

If Karma was real, I would have been toast by age 5...for bug murder.

Bethany said...

That's it, sista - hold that head up.

Marianne said...

Oh dear. Nothing like unsolicited advice from someone completely foreign to you and who, like the rest of us, only knows the magnitude of the situation based on what you've shared with us.

You handled it with grace.

I said on a blog the other day about the weak argument "freedom of speech" when people are caught talking out of their asses, "I'm pretty sure the men who wrote the Constitution would rather you be compassionate and keep your mouth shut than be heartless and spew your hatred."