Ever wonder what lurks there in the night? Dwells amongst us, near us, next to us? Wheels was about to encounter The Mabbit.
Wheels had a rough night. It was dark, windy, cold. The weather was a direct reflection of how the night would go. Worried about passing the last few nights, his anxiety and anticipation were higher than normal. And maybe I didn't throw enough tennis balls for him to retrieve.
He responded to an overdose of a pregnant girl. Running to the location...(he is a protector of children...born and unborn)...he overshot the runway and ran past apartment A, going to apartment M. I stood next to apartment A, hoping to give him a hint. Distraught, he did not see the writing on the wall, and became upset with himself. He ran back and forth, still not registering the lettering system of the apartments in the hood.
ME: Wheels, calm down. What apartment are you supposed to go to?
ME: What apartment are you looking at?
ME: What way to they decrease or increase in the alphabet?
WHEELS: I am so dumb.
So with the enlightening moment, he entered apartment A. Brushing past the first occupant, he was directed to the pregnant female who had locked herself into the bathroom. Wheels tried talking her into opening the door. She wouldn't have it.
He broke the door and brought her out for the paramedics. The girl was one I had dealt with many times before. Drama Queen. According to her friends, she was pregnant with "twins" at 5 weeks. Her boyfriend broke up with her a few days ago and she was depressed. She just announced to her boyfriend and friends she was pregnant. Took some pills in front of her friends because her boyfriend wouldn't come back to her. Thinking to myself...I wondered if she really was pregnant. And twins? At 5 weeks? A little early to determine that, but perhaps I was just being a cynical cop.
Well...she could just go to the funny farm. Doc would figure it out. And if she wasn't pregnant...the wrath of the Doc she was about to meet at the ER would bedazzle her forever.
As the paramedics were checking her vitals and the meds she ingested...to the right I got a glimpse of the object coming through the front door. Sarg tapped me on the shoulder.
SARG: Look at that.
I turned. UGH! The Mabbit.
ME: Are you shitting me? What is she doing here?
SARG: How could not look at it. It's like a train wreck. Sexy outfit.
ME: I'm going to have to poke my eyes out.
SARG: I'm going to throw up.
It was the famous Mabbit. A well-known "somewhat slow" person, 45 years old, a drunk, criminally inclined, short, large, lady type resemblance of a thing, big breasted, one eye drooped, cross-eyed...etc. OK. It was the female version of Fat Bastard run over by a semi-truck. That's all I can do to describe her. Mother nature was not kind. And some guys referred to her as The Mabbit. Because that's her last name.
The Mabbit entered the apartment despite the fact it was occupied by 4 cops, 5 firemen, and 2 paramedics...plus all the household members. She was scantily dressed, wearing a tube dress like thing in leopard print. Damn sexy.
ME: Mabbit, you need to leave. You can't just walk in here.
MABBIT: I'm the apartment manager.
ME: It's not your business and we can't divulge any information. Please leave.
MABBIT: Well, I'm going to take the kids away so they don't get scared.
ME: Alright. Say...is Larry taking you out on the town tonight?
MABBIT: No. Why?
ME: You're all dolled up in that sexy dress.
MABBIT: Oh. Well, I just put this on to please him.
WHACK! Sarg socked me a good one.
SARG: Stop it. I'm going to laugh. Or barf. I can't determine which first.
ME: Come on. You know you want her. Heck...she's so hot, I might.
SARG: You are so gross.
WHEELS: Boss, I'll take Mabbit out.
ME: You are such a nice boy.
SARG: Do you want to warn him?
ME: I can't. I'm just observing him today. Can't help him. Maybe you should.
SARG: I don't know. We all learned the hard way.
Wheels was a gentleman and took Mabbit and the kids to her apartment. Shortly thereafter, he returned...white as a ghost.
WHEELS: Boss, Boss. She was so gross.
ME: Why? What happened?
WHEELS: When she got to her apartment, she sat down and her dress rode up and well...it was like icky.
ME: Yeah? What was icky?
WHEELS: Her va j j was just hanging out. I about puked. Then she got up and bent over to pick up a blanket for one of the kids and I saw the biggest moon and craters ever.
ME: Was it like THE GROWLER? [chased him with claw hands]
SARG: Yeah...did it come out after you?
ME: Did she have money in her crack for you?
WHEELS: This was a setup again, wasn't it.
ME: Nope. You are just such a gentleman that we can't interrupt you when you do kind acts or change your personality. You acted out of the kindness of your heart. And Mabbit will love you forever. So when you respond to her place again, she will remember how nice you were. And she shares all of her with us. Sometimes a little too much of her. Is that so bad?
WHEELS: In this case? Yes.
SARG: You know, she's a stripper, don't you?
WHEELS: No way. No way.
So....I socked Sarg back. Because he was making fun. Mabbit would not even qualify for an underground nightclub stripper. Heck...not even the bouncer. Well...maybe the bouncer. Back in the car, Wheels was still pondering the stripper thing...
WHEELS: Boss, I can't believe she is a stripper. That is just nasty.
WHEELS: Dont' you think so?
ME: I think it's so fun you are so naive and innocent.
WHEELS: Yeah. I've never been to a stripper club. Ever. You'd think since I was in the military I would have gone, but I didn't.
ME: *blink*blink* This is a setup, right?