What. In. The. Hell. Do. You. Do. With. Them?
They take up space. They sass. They yell. They stomp. They wear tiaras. They eat all the food.
ME: Quit that fake smile crap.
BUG: What! You don't love me? [stomp, pout]
ME: Don't be ridiculous. I just want a nice picture, not that fake smile you always do.
BUG: [stomping off]Nice, Mom! You don't like my pictures. Moms are supposed to like everything of a kid. Maybe you can solve that by not taking any pictures of me for the rest of my life. [slams bedroom door]
I can do better with a meth addict who is running around in the street naked, frothing at the mouth, yelling, "Tebow for President!"
Bug's hair looked so cute so I wanted a nice picture. All she could do was that fake smile crap. We all hate it. She grits her teeth and smiles gargantuan and looks like a nitwit. Good thing we have digital cameras now days. She certainly would waste the expensive 35 mm just to get one good pic. And not only was she fake posing to be uncooperative, she had words to back up her body language sass afterwards.
This after I chased my garbage all over Timbuktu and struggled with a large piece of cardboard. Word. Don't get dog kennels for Christmas...in boxes. Thanks, Santa.
There I was trudging up the driveway after tugging the box out of the sagebrush. Did you know sagebrush has fingers and it wants everything. Instead of Swamp Thing around here, it's Prairie Thing. It's almost as bad as tumble weeds. They are like venus fly traps only different. Do you know how temped I was to let it blow into the river and float to Nebraska? Yeah.
Although if I had done that, some hobo would have tried to fish it out of the river thinking it would have made a good addition to his house and then he would have fallen in the river and drowned. Then I would have been a murderer. Orange is not my color. And it wouldn't even have made a good book because it was too short of a story. Maybe a Law & Order episode.
So...how did I get from Tweens to Murder? Simple. They go together. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it.
She decided to come out of her room...
BUG: Mom, tomorrow is nerd day.
ME: Well, then you won't have to dress up.
BUG: [stomp, yell] Mom, I am not a nerd. I don't have any glasses![stomp, run to room, slam door]
Really. Walking across fire to bring 100 pounds of food to starving African children would be easier.
Apparently, I am learning tweens run to their room, slam the door, have some revelation and come out with more mouth or a new con game.
BUG: You don't even love me, do you?
ME: Of course I do.
BUG: Well you don't like my smile and now I'm a nerd.
ME: Nerds with fake smiles need love too.
BUG: Mom! I shouldn't have to put up with this in my life! [stomp, run to room, slam door shut]
ME: [big cheesy grin]
BUG: [yelling from room with closed door] I know you are smiling out there! God still loves me!
ME: Yes. God still loves Tebow, too.
BUG: Mom! I'm not Tebow!
ME: I know. Otherwise I would be saying these things to you with diamonds on and drinking a large bottle of the best red wine..naked.
BUG: Ew. You are so gross! Why do I have to have such a gross mother?!!??! [opens and slams door for effect]
So...I have come to find how you save the world from countless murders. You torture your tweens any chance you get. You get even. Because right now old and wit beats young and sass any day....no matter how cute they are. And after all that...I got one sorta good pic...with a fake smile.
After opening the door and dragging her feet, she came out one more time.
BUG: Do you even still love me?
ME: Of course I do.
ME: Ok, honey.
BUG: I'm serious.
ME: [big cheesy smile]
Someday, I will pay for all this when she wheels me right into the river and inherits my riches. Perhaps I will invest in a Chia Pet farm. Just sayin'. It would be like bonsai therapy for her only different.