Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Flower Power


What. In. The. Hell. Do. You. Do. With. Them?

They take up space. They sass. They yell. They stomp. They wear tiaras. They eat all the food.

Fuck.Me.In.The.Ass. Seriously.

ME: Quit that fake smile crap.

BUG: What! You don't love me? [stomp, pout]

ME: Don't be ridiculous. I just want a nice picture, not that fake smile you always do.

BUG: [stomping off]Nice, Mom! You don't like my pictures. Moms are supposed to like everything of a kid.  Maybe you can solve that by not taking any pictures of me for the rest of my life. [slams bedroom door]

ME: Nice.

I can do better with a meth addict who is running around in the street naked, frothing at the mouth, yelling, "Tebow for President!"

Bug's hair looked so cute so I wanted a nice picture. All she could do was that fake smile crap. We all hate it. She grits her teeth and smiles gargantuan and looks like a nitwit. Good thing we have digital cameras now days. She certainly would waste the expensive 35 mm just to get one good pic. And not only was she fake posing to be uncooperative, she had words to back up her body language sass afterwards.

This after I chased my garbage all over Timbuktu and struggled with a large piece of cardboard. Word. Don't get dog kennels for Christmas...in boxes. Thanks, Santa.

There I was trudging up the driveway after tugging the box out of the sagebrush. Did you know sagebrush has fingers and it wants everything. Instead of Swamp Thing around here, it's Prairie Thing. It's almost as bad as tumble weeds. They are like venus fly traps only different.  Do you know how temped I was to let it blow into the river and float to Nebraska? Yeah.

Although if I had done that, some hobo would have tried to fish it out of the river thinking it would have made a good addition to his house and then he would have fallen in the river and drowned. Then I would have been a murderer. Orange is not my color. And it wouldn't even have made a good book because it was too short of a story. Maybe a Law & Order episode.

So...how did I get from Tweens to Murder? Simple. They go together. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it.

She decided to come out of her room...

BUG: Mom, tomorrow is nerd day.

ME: Well, then you won't have to dress up.

BUG: [stomp, yell] Mom, I am not a nerd. I don't have any glasses![stomp, run to room, slam door]

ME: Sweet.

Really. Walking across fire to bring 100 pounds of food to starving African children would be easier.

Apparently, I am learning tweens run to their room, slam the door, have some revelation and come out with more mouth or a new con game.

BUG: You don't even love me, do you?

ME: Of course I do.

BUG: Well you don't like my smile and now I'm a nerd.

ME: Nerds with fake smiles need love too.

BUG: Mom! I shouldn't have to put up with this in my life! [stomp, run to room, slam door shut]

ME: [big cheesy grin]

BUG: [yelling from room with closed door] I know you are smiling out there! God still loves me!

ME: Yes. God still loves Tebow, too.

BUG: Mom! I'm not Tebow!

ME: I know. Otherwise I would be saying these things to you with diamonds on and drinking a large bottle of the best red wine..naked.

BUG: Ew. You are so gross! Why do I have to have such a gross mother?!!??! [opens and slams door for effect]

So...I have come to find how you save the world from countless murders. You torture your tweens any chance you get. You get even. Because right now old and wit beats young and sass any day....no matter how cute they are. And after all that...I got one sorta good pic...with a fake smile.

After opening the door and dragging her feet, she came out one more time.

BUG: Do you even still love me?

ME: Of course I do.

BUG: You better not put any of those dumb pictures on the blog, only the good ones.

ME: Ok, honey.

BUG: I'm serious.

ME: [big cheesy smile]

Someday, I will pay for all this when she wheels me right into the river and inherits my riches. Perhaps I will invest in a Chia Pet farm. Just sayin'. It would be like bonsai therapy for her only different.


Dazee Dreamer said...

I liked all the pictures of her. What a cutie.

And I thanked God every day that I only had 1 girl. Oh wow. The sad thing, you are just getting started. Big hug

Captain Tightpants said...

Somehow I keep fantasizing I'll avoid all this with the Biscuit... yet I know you're only giving me previews & will be laughing at my own tales down the road!

Suz said...


Don't think I could deal with a girl. Even a beautiful, insightful, sometimes sweet girl.

Well Seasoned Fool said...

Three sons, no daughters. Two grand daughters. All are lucky abortion isn't retroactive.

Allenspark Lodge said...

The Bug is beautiful.

Doors can not slam if you pull the hinge pins and take the whole damn thing into the garage. Ask me how I know.


MrG's said...

Love the pictures there, Bug is a cutie. My son is 8 fixing to be nine and he thinks that he is an adult already....jeesh and I have 9 more years to go? will I make it?
I have gotten the "Dad, one day i will be taller and faster than you" line...I replied" yes son, that is true...but you will never be as mean as me." Gotta keep them guessing.

Mad Mind said...

I thought this is what we have children for. Are you saying that isn't true? Oh my have I ruined my children.

Ms. A said...

In answer to your question, I don't know. Somehow I managed to get mine raised without murdering them and now the grandkids are reaching that same, difficult time. I recommend deep freezing them, until they reach 25 or 30.

Paradise Driver said...

ROTFLMAO! Mamma! Stop! Now take a deep breathe and count backwards from 10 in Swahili. Now sit down and remember want you were like at that age. Be honest (remember, female Pinocchio's boobs get smaller with each lie). Welcome to the world of puberty.

Slamdunk said...

We are diving into those years for the first time. Scared to think that kids reflect their parents so much--man am I in trouble.

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
Why do I get the feeling that we didn't seem to have SUCH "issues" when WE were growing up?
(and if we did, we "unleanred" them soon enough)

She's gonna be a heartbreaker...just make sure SHE doesn't find that out...not until she's around THIRTY, kapeesh?

Good post and pics.

Roll safe out there.

Coffeypot said...

Fake or real, she is still beautiful. And no jury with teenagers would ever convict a mom of taking out a teenage girl. I know, I had one and now have a teenage granddaughter.

le Chef said...

I crawled out of the gutter JUST FOR YOU.
Back on the wagon, so to speak.
First off, keep all those fake smile picks, because they don't look fake on this end, and at least she's still letting you take them. Give her about 2 years. Then she'll really turn into the alien vampire princess, and won't ever be caught on film again... she'll only be visible just after she sucks the joy and life out of you, and even then.. only until you pass out ... from drinking all that cheap wine to help you forget you willingly gave birth to this beast. ;)
But be of good cheer. The door slamming eventually stops. (ppsssttt! That's when you need to start watching for the sneaking out.)

Oh hey! We have a troll in Seattle under the Aurora underpass - rather unremarkable and seemingly off topic, however, this "troll" has been turned into a Chia Pet. Investment, therapy, and nerd flag all rolled into one! I'm thinking Christmas next year .... She. Will. Love. You. Forever.
Or at least until she opens it.
...DAMN I'm wordy.

The Queen said...

Tweens need to be thrown in boot camp until they turn 21. Tweens suck.. they are a Buzz Kill.. King had to raise our Female tween.. I hid in the bedroom for 10 years, until he had her raised. She freaked me out!

The Queen said...

Tweens should be thrown in boot camp until they turn 21. King raised our female tween. I hid out in the bedroom until he had her raised. She freaked me out!

GunDiva said...

Those are the exact same conversations Ashinator and I *still* have and she's 19. All I can say is I'm sorry. Tweens and teenage girls suck. There's no way around it.

Unless you kill them. Which often seems like a viable option.

Stock up on the hard stuff, wine's not going to cut it for the next few years :)

Aileen said...

My youngest is a girl and I'm scared already. She's 8 and my boys rarely gave me sass. My husband is totally not used to it either. Thanks for putting it all in perspective. Your post sounds awfully familiar to my daily encounters.