Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...







Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Exploding Question-Bullet Proof Vest OFF

Imagine my surprise when Daddy Hawk left a comment on my blog today asking where his questions went. I had no idea. After searching my blog and emails, I was glad I had not inadvertently deleted them. Until he emailed me. Then I wished I was...a butterfly! Or something. He had not had his questions answered, so here they are...in their glory...and all..,

What happened to NFL Man? Did you hide his body or what?

Well...NFL Man and I started out with a bang of funny. In fact, the posts were as great as the dates. Or vice versa. I thought I was a princess who found her prince. I was on top of the world.

We did not always agree. We laughed, we enjoyed a lot of the same things. We both had different interests as well. I tried to fit into his and he did not try to fit into mine. He refused to go on a ride along to see what I do. That should have been my first warning, but I fooled myself by thinking I would respect that separation. He introduced me to charity events, hob nobbing, and being retired famous. I tried to introduce him to normal life. We later got married.

Long story short...the marriage was not good. I was alone for most of it. He was not, if that makes it clear as mud.  I don't really want to go into details, but it is book worthy and a Lifetime movie event. He didn't respect me or anything I did. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't skinny enough. I wasn't funny. I wanted to be home, he wanted to party. I really don't think he loved me.

In fact, the whole story is unbelievable, really. However, it is embarrassing for me, as well. The only thing I can say is I was vulnerable after The Great Depression (22 years ended with 1st husband) and I should have waited. I never should have dated anyone until about two years of being alone and getting over the first marriage. That is hind sight. Duh.

I had just found myself again when I met NFL Man. It was a time I was just beginning to find the real me, the old me, and discard the one that was hidden, lost, beaten down, and disregarded by my first husband. The ex really did a number on my psyche...and I let him.

There were red flags I ignored or brushed over. I really don't know why. I guess a tough cop can be a weak person as well. And for sure, a lot of us suck at our personal lives because we are fixers.

I kept praying. A LOT. I kept trying to work on it. I continued to beat myself up. God kept giving me red flags. I ignored them, or took them under advisement and started again trying mend it into the perfect marriage I wanted. I really only wanted to grow old with someone.

The worst thing is I started to believe all those things he said were wrong with me. I was wrong about this and that. I didn't dress right, I said the wrong things, I wasn't funny, I didn't wait on him hand and foot. I started to believe I wasn't worthy. Then...the times he was there, I was running around in circles trying to be the perfect wife. I think I can count on fingers and toes the amount of days we spent together...maybe a little more than 20. Otherwise, he left. Every time. He got mad. He left. I repaired. It started over again. It was a sick cycle...I felt lower as a person for not calling it THE END. I kept trying. Duh.

The miscarriage should have ended it all. Again, a time I was too weak mentally to save myself, I am ashamed to say.

And through all of that...I still loved him.

The best way to describe me is that I was a puppy kicked around (not literally), but kept coming back for approval, love, and attention. I never got it.

So...I moved here to start a life with a family before all this came to a head. But it was just Bug and I for the most part. He only was here at the new house about 10 days total...on and off. The marriage was in trouble during the move and it was not turning out to be the fairytale I had envisioned. Yet, I was so hopeful things would be better on the other side of The Land. And I loved the history, culture, opportunities, and slowed down life. I continued to write my book when Bug was asleep and when he was gone, which was most of the time.

He acted excited about the book, but I don't think he has even read it.

I decided it was time to end it after several attempts of trying to work it out and the infidelities were the last straw. It cuts pretty deep. That and pride. Pride sucks monkey balls. That was just after the book was published. I think when I saw the book online...and it was real...I took a hard look at my own life.

I didn't hide his body.

I did the "or what" and opted for divorce. I had stopped blogging about him because he wanted to remain private. He didn't like me posting stories about us. I later found out why.

It's hard to hide a wife on the Internet.

Now...I am broke, selling things to pay for bills and the lawyer. There won't be an ugly divorce. We will both sign and go our separate ways peacefully. Me broke. Him happy.

But I will be OK. I am strong. I am doing Crossfit again and getting strong mentally again...not just physically.  I think when I am stronger physically, I am stronger mentally. In December, I entered a mud warrior race which now I am glad I prepaid and entered. It's a good goal to shoot for and occurs in October.  I hope it is the first of many.

Bug is doing AWESOME! She rocks.

I also have been applying for jobs (NO-not one of them cop jobs), selling the items in my shop at big sale prices, and trying to make it. It is REALLY tight, but we are not starving yet and I work hard. I plan to work somewhere within 20 miles or so and have the shop open part time. And my friends and neighbors here...they don't ask, but I think they know. They have been very nice and help me out with little things and kindness. The town doesn't know and many ask of him when I am working. I just tell them he is working out of town. Some day I will have to tell them the truth...that I really don't know. We haven't talked to each other.

Nuts and bolts of it, right there. Yep. Pretty sad. I can only blame myself. Now time to pick myself up.

Remember those sounds when you were a kid playing cops and robbers and GI Joe? Pkew...pkew...pkeww.Yep. That's the noise this post made with all of you. AND...exploding grenades and cap guns right there. LOL. See! I can still laugh. A lot, actually.

I am funny.

And I have come to the realization that for some reason...I am not going to get my fairytale. I am not going to grow old with anyone. I am going to love my dogs and outlive them. Basically. Maybe I can plant a tree. I can't outlive that...and I can hug it...and often.

28 comments:

Pulling for Ya in CA said...

I have been a lurker for quite some time.

Of all the posts you have put up this one just cuts me deep.. too deep to not respond.

I think we all walk paths that are difficult for each of us, but your resilience, stubbornness and kindness shines through the shit you are walking through.

I aspire to be a police officer in California and your blog has captivated me, made me laugh, made me cry. Through it all your brilliance has been the single most enthralling piece of this blog.

It's ok to feel sad and defeated when faced with such a horrible blow.

You will be better and you will be stronger.

Coffeypot said...

You were his trophy wife. A very pretty blond and he used you to make himself look good. He is a sack of shit in my book and has been before you married him. But I held my thoughts because you seemed happy. Well, FUCK HIM IN THE ASS... as you laughingly say. Except use a broken bottle.

Momma Fargo said...

Pulling For Ya In CA,

Thanks so much. Your exceptional comment was a great pick me up. I am so excited you are aspiring to be a police officer! You will make it and be great. We need great officers. Let me know if you need an ear to bend. I'm here. And you are exactly right. I will be OK and stronger.

Momma Fargo said...

Coffeypot,

I know you knew. A lot of people did and I even had my lows when I was posting back then. I just prayed and tried and kept working on it because a wedding vow to me is sacred. Well...pooey. And you made me laugh throwing my own words at me. LOL

Corina said...

Mama, HUGSSSS and I am sorry it didn't work out...but a new beginning! How exciting! I admire your courage to do what you did! I promise to buy your book, as money allows. I have enjoyed your blog, and thank you for the stories..you are a most excellent writer! Peace to you and Bug!

Momma Fargo said...

Thanks so much, Corina! It means a lot for you to pop in and enjoy my fodder. Hope you get to read my book someday! Let me know what you think...in the meantime...I will still be here...writing silly stuff and cop stories.

Ms. A said...

Daddy Hawk's question was the one I would have asked, but figured you get around to mentioning it, eventually.

Now, when you get a few extra bucks, why don't you change your name? You DON'T NEED THAT MONIKER HANGING AROUND YOUR NECK LIKE A MILLSTONE... since I wasn't able to convince you not to stick with the ba*****, way back when.

Jewells said...

I know I don't post often, but I love ya Momma!

I've been wondering about him for quite some time. After the miscarriage you pretty much stopped mentioning him, and from that point I wondered and I worried. We aren't "friends" per se, but when you read someone's blog for a long time you tend to believe that you are and that you know them. Delusional? Most likely, but you don't tend to bullshit so maybe not so delusional when it comes to yours.

I wanted to ask Daddy Hawk's question, but you have always tried to keep some parts of your life private so I wanted to respect your space. So, thank you to Daddy Hawk for having the balls I didn't, and thank you to Coffeypot for saying what I was thinking when I finished reading this post and for making me laugh my ass off by throwing your words back at you! Total awesomeness!

Paxford said...

Big Hugs Momma

And yeah - exactly what Coffey-pot wrote.

Do NOT give up on your dreams of finding the Right Good man - he will appear one day

LYLT

Pax

Daddy Hawk said...

I've got access to 66 acres and a shovel if you change your mind. Just kidding. Maybe.

Seriously though, I hope you will forgive me for opening the festering wound. I have a knack for hoof in mouth disease.

Like the others, I have confidence in you. I've been reading you for quite a while now (at least prior to divorce number 1). These things I know about you: 1) you are smart, 2) you are funny, 3) you care deeply for those close to you, 4) you are a dreamer, 5) you are a hard worker, 6) you are tenacious and don't like to give up, 7) a whole lote more. Those are all admirable qualities. Don't lose them.

Hugs to you and Bug.

Momma Fargo said...

Ms. A... LOL. I am taking my maiden name back. It is included in the price. If you do it later it is more.

Momma Fargo said...

Jewells, thanks so much for dropping a comment! I opened the door for the questions, and I don't mind Daddy Hawk's at all. I guess it first took me by surprise because I thought everyone wanted to know about the cases. LMAO. Thanks for being such great support!

Momma Fargo said...

Pax,

Thanks. My words haunting me. That will teach me. LOL. I am pretty defeated right now, mentally, and I guess I will open my eyes if one is dropped on my lap. Otherwise, I am on a Fargo mission to consume myself with my daughter, dogs, and life.

Momma Fargo said...

Daddy Hawk,

Thank you so much for your compliments! Don't feel bad about the question, it was one a lot had wanted to ask...and look...they said you had balls! Isn't that marvy? LOL. Besides..I'm Titanium or that other song I hate. LMAO.

Pulling for Ya in CA said...

Thank you Momma for your kind and encouraging words. It made me smile.

FFS-It took me less than a minute to find him and his blog on the internet, actually more like 30 seconds, but I digress.

He's not as smart as he thinks he is. He can be found and he can't hide a wife. He's a fool for letting you go and not appreciating the real you.

What he is is a user. He is a people user. He chooses vulnerable people, kids, anyone he can use. It gives him a sick sense of power.

I have to agree with Coffeypot and say I didn't like him from the beginning, but as was stated you seemed happy. You deserved happiness then and you sure as hell deserve it now.

Moving on-I love your resolve to move on and live life. It is a great way to heal yourself.

In my less then 30 years of life, what I have observed is that we attract people who are in the same emotional state as we are.

I swear this is the last paragraph-I want to commend you for opening your raw wounds, it's painful and embarrassing to admit we should have done better, but THIS is exactly how growth happens. The manure is the fertilizer that allows those beautiful things to spring forth.

Angelwithatwist said...

About time you laid it all out. I am not an idiot. I knew months ago.. probably long before you did. I cringed when you married him and wanted to grab you and shake you and say HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?? I am glad to see you got out.. and are finding yourself again. YOu are worth so much more than you will ever know my friend..

Daddy Hawk said...

Momma, leave it to me to ask what everyone else wants to know but were afraid to ask. I have no idea which song you are talking about.

Angela Varner said...

I am a long time lurker, first time posting (well, first time post with a real name). I am so happy that you and bug are doing well and I hurt for you and the issue with NFL Man, but like most on here, I'm glad he's gone. I didn't like him after the Super Bowl situation, but you seemed happy so I was rooting for you. You are beautiful, smart, strong, funny, I have not idea what he was thinking. Best of luck to you and bug in your new life.

Momma Fargo said...

Daddy Hawk...go to YouTube and search "Titanium". If I hear it on The Voice or American Idol one more time...or my daughter singing it...I'm checking myself in to the funny farm. It's quite alright you asked. It felt good to write it down.

Momma Fargo said...

Angel,

I know. I went against my better judgment, your better judgment on a LOT of things. I really look back and think am I so desperate to find love that I chose poorly...like twice. FMITA.

Momma Fargo said...

Angela,

Thanks for commenting. The Super Bowl was my duh moment that I chose to forgive. Duh, duh, duh. HELLO! The first planned wedding day...duh, duh, duh. Anyway, I am strong and will be okie dokie. I really appreciate you sticking around after all the drama. LOL

Momma Fargo said...

Pulling For Ya In CA,

Thanks, again. It actually felt good to write it down. It's real...it's out there. It's life.

Momma Fargo said...

Oh...and Daddy Hawk...Keep your 66 acres asshole free. LOL

Pulling for Ya in CA said...

I have hope that you will get your happy fairytale.

Just seeing Titanium written down makes me want to poke my eyes out.



gowestferalwoman said...

ugh. if i was there I would be giving you hugs, a margarita and most important the sister talk. Im not there so here is the sister talk ~

You will get your fairytale romance and finally find yourself, when you finally give yourself value FIRST and FOREMOST and love YOURSELF FIRST and FOREMOST. and Im not talking crossfit, im not mudders, im not talking peptalks, im not talking being a good mother, daughter etc. im talking about the actual YOU, and your entire life span, from cradle to grave, from healthy to sickness and everything inbetween. YOU.

And no, im not talking about selfish intent either, Im talking about the fact that you need to realize you are a wonderful woman who is deserving of being loved fully, and you that you should learn that saying the words "no", or "stop", or "thats not true" to someone you love does not make you a person undeserving of being loved - ever.

IMO i dont know you personally, but i see on your blog that You take care of everyone around you, whether youre being paid or not - but its time you take care of that little girl inside you, that woman inside you who wants to be loved for herself, that person inside who is deserving of being treated with RESPECT, otherwise that little girl, woman, person will die a slow painful death of the soul...

You'll get there because you are a dang smart cookie. It took me awhile, but Im there now, actually for the last 13 years, and its a wonderful place to be, even when the world is falling apart around you - actually, even though certain things may have happened physically to me, I have never felt stronger. And youd be surprised at how that good strength attracts good strong men, because the weak bad ones are scared shitless- they dont darken your doorstep for fear of their own weakness being exposed. true strength is omnipotent.

Im hoping you'll understand what I am saying so that you will finally understand the strength inside you is for you to take care of you first. Then you can fully take care of others beyond anything you can imagine (even without being paid!)and beyond anything they can imagine (bugs included!) and so my last feral soapbox speil-

The odds are against you finding a real good strong man whose your equal for a lifelong relationship as long as you think you wont have one and have to settle... you know that? Find yourself, love yourself, protect yourself. Then big things will happen...

(((hugs to momma fargo)))

Daddy Hawk said...

Momma, who said the 66 acres were mine? I just said I have access. Did I mention that there are feral pigs in the area?

GunDiva said...

What Feral Woman AND Daddy Hawk said :)

It's all good, the fairy tale will come, it just might not look like a fairy tale at first.

Momma Fargo said...

gowestferalwoman,
Thank you. Very much.

Daddy Hawk,

LOL.