Imagine my surprise when Daddy Hawk left a comment on my blog today asking where his questions went. I had no idea. After searching my blog and emails, I was glad I had not inadvertently deleted them. Until he emailed me. Then I wished I was...a butterfly! Or something. He had not had his questions answered, so here they are...in their glory...and all..,
What happened to NFL Man? Did you hide his body or what?
Well...NFL Man and I started out with a bang of funny. In fact, the posts were as great as the dates. Or vice versa. I thought I was a princess who found her prince. I was on top of the world.
We did not always agree. We laughed, we enjoyed a lot of the same things. We both had different interests as well. I tried to fit into his and he did not try to fit into mine. He refused to go on a ride along to see what I do. That should have been my first warning, but I fooled myself by thinking I would respect that separation. He introduced me to charity events, hob nobbing, and being retired famous. I tried to introduce him to normal life. We later got married.
Long story short...the marriage was not good. I was alone for most of it. He was not, if that makes it clear as mud. I don't really want to go into details, but it is book worthy and a Lifetime movie event. He didn't respect me or anything I did. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't skinny enough. I wasn't funny. I wanted to be home, he wanted to party. I really don't think he loved me.
In fact, the whole story is unbelievable, really. However, it is embarrassing for me, as well. The only thing I can say is I was vulnerable after The Great Depression (22 years ended with 1st husband) and I should have waited. I never should have dated anyone until about two years of being alone and getting over the first marriage. That is hind sight. Duh.
I had just found myself again when I met NFL Man. It was a time I was just beginning to find the real me, the old me, and discard the one that was hidden, lost, beaten down, and disregarded by my first husband. The ex really did a number on my psyche...and I let him.
There were red flags I ignored or brushed over. I really don't know why. I guess a tough cop can be a weak person as well. And for sure, a lot of us suck at our personal lives because we are fixers.
I kept praying. A LOT. I kept trying to work on it. I continued to beat myself up. God kept giving me red flags. I ignored them, or took them under advisement and started again trying mend it into the perfect marriage I wanted. I really only wanted to grow old with someone.
The worst thing is I started to believe all those things he said were wrong with me. I was wrong about this and that. I didn't dress right, I said the wrong things, I wasn't funny, I didn't wait on him hand and foot. I started to believe I wasn't worthy. Then...the times he was there, I was running around in circles trying to be the perfect wife. I think I can count on fingers and toes the amount of days we spent together...maybe a little more than 20. Otherwise, he left. Every time. He got mad. He left. I repaired. It started over again. It was a sick cycle...I felt lower as a person for not calling it THE END. I kept trying. Duh.
The miscarriage should have ended it all. Again, a time I was too weak mentally to save myself, I am ashamed to say.
And through all of that...I still loved him.
The best way to describe me is that I was a puppy kicked around (not literally), but kept coming back for approval, love, and attention. I never got it.
So...I moved here to start a life with a family before all this came to a head. But it was just Bug and I for the most part. He only was here at the new house about 10 days total...on and off. The marriage was in trouble during the move and it was not turning out to be the fairytale I had envisioned. Yet, I was so hopeful things would be better on the other side of The Land. And I loved the history, culture, opportunities, and slowed down life. I continued to write my book when Bug was asleep and when he was gone, which was most of the time.
He acted excited about the book, but I don't think he has even read it.
I decided it was time to end it after several attempts of trying to work it out and the infidelities were the last straw. It cuts pretty deep. That and pride. Pride sucks monkey balls. That was just after the book was published. I think when I saw the book online...and it was real...I took a hard look at my own life.
I didn't hide his body.
I did the "or what" and opted for divorce. I had stopped blogging about him because he wanted to remain private. He didn't like me posting stories about us. I later found out why.
It's hard to hide a wife on the Internet.
Now...I am broke, selling things to pay for bills and the lawyer. There won't be an ugly divorce. We will both sign and go our separate ways peacefully. Me broke. Him happy.
But I will be OK. I am strong. I am doing Crossfit again and getting strong mentally again...not just physically. I think when I am stronger physically, I am stronger mentally. In December, I entered a mud warrior race which now I am glad I prepaid and entered. It's a good goal to shoot for and occurs in October. I hope it is the first of many.
Bug is doing AWESOME! She rocks.
I also have been applying for jobs (NO-not one of them cop jobs), selling the items in my shop at big sale prices, and trying to make it. It is REALLY tight, but we are not starving yet and I work hard. I plan to work somewhere within 20 miles or so and have the shop open part time. And my friends and neighbors here...they don't ask, but I think they know. They have been very nice and help me out with little things and kindness. The town doesn't know and many ask of him when I am working. I just tell them he is working out of town. Some day I will have to tell them the truth...that I really don't know. We haven't talked to each other.
Nuts and bolts of it, right there. Yep. Pretty sad. I can only blame myself. Now time to pick myself up.
Remember those sounds when you were a kid playing cops and robbers and GI Joe? Pkew...pkew...pkeww.Yep. That's the noise this post made with all of you. AND...exploding grenades and cap guns right there. LOL. See! I can still laugh. A lot, actually.
I am funny.
And I have come to the realization that for some reason...I am not going to get my fairytale. I am not going to grow old with anyone. I am going to love my dogs and outlive them. Basically. Maybe I can plant a tree. I can't outlive that...and I can hug it...and often.