Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Friday, July 19, 2013

Cat Burglar

I am usually a sound sleeper and only wake up when a bomb goes off. This is not conducive to being a warrior or an alert cop. Both are interchangeable, synonymous.  :)

So...at about 2ish in the morning, I bolted out of bed due to a ruckus downstairs. Now, mind you...it has been 90 degrees with equal humidity.  My air conditioner was on all night which is unusual for me. I'm usually a cheapskate and shut it off after my midnight run.

It's loud and obnoxious. I like quiet...no noise. Very rarely can I even have the television on. Perhaps this is my way of wanting to hear if anything goes down in the Harry Potter house and God forbid...miss it because of some white noise.

You can imagine the sight when I jumped out of bed...long hair (Medusa fashion, I'm sure)...scantily clothed...reached for my Glock and flashlight...and tried to sneak down the squeaky 115-ish year old mahogany staircase. Lora Croft and her grace was a far cry Fargo's sneak attack.

As I cornered the second landing, I could tell it was coming from the back of the house. Moose had already run up and down the staircase in SWAT mode, making it appear as if the ARMY was headed to take care of the intruder. When he finally settled down, he ran to the far back door to the mud room and barked, growled, and played guard dog as taught by his inner sense. Big O, on the other hand, nodded my arrival downstairs and went back to sleeping on his posh dog bed. Fat lot of good he was.

I looked down into the mudroom from the kitchen window and old bubbled glass was not helpful, thus all I saw was a fun house. I just basically had to open the back door and fling it wide, trying the shock and awe method. And...I did so. And....nothin'. However, Moose was going crazy...still.


On top of my industrial second refrigerator, was SASQUATCH...or at least the Mini-Me version which resembled a stray alley cat. Growling, hissing, hair out in fur ball- pissed off -manner. That's a sign I should have heeded.

Did I want to set down my Glock to catch a wild cat? Hell to the no. Cops don't rescue cats. That is a job for hose draggers.

Obviously, there were none around, so Fargo had to do their job as well as protect the dwellers of the Harry Potter house...which meant...me. Cops are also multi-taskers, so this was simple. Right?

Because Moose was so helpful in stirring up the cat even more so, I had to get leather gloves and capture SASQUATCH and throw him out. And that was not an easy task. Ripped the heck out of one of my good satin camisoles. Numerous scratches were avoided after that by holding the varmit way out away from my face,  which reminded me of holding death at arms length...and saying out loud..."HOLY SHIT."

Once again, I failed this task because I am NOT trained as a firefighter.

In fact, I failed the fire test in 1995 and still have PTSD, picturing myself reaching out for that last grasp of the reeled hose and missing...watching it fall all the way back down and even though I got it all the way back up there and grabbed it the second time, I ran out of time to finish the entire test and I'm not bitter nor mad about it and suffer no problems, but hey-that's life- and so glad I became a cop with less pension and benefits because I like to drive fast, fight, guns are AWESOME and would have SUCKED at washing fire trucks and such. And obviously rescuing kittens out of high places.

It was like a monkey fucking a football. Knowing animals in the wild survive very dangerous times, I threw the cat into the grass several feet and slammed Moose's head into the door as he tried to go after it. Accidentally. By now, I didn't even feel bad.

It was then I decided no matter how hot it gets in the mud room...never, never...leave the windows open. Why? Because people and cats can get in there and having no screens [because apparently screens don't survive 100 years over the course of several homeowners] makes me an easy target.

Just so you know...SASQUATCH lives.


Allenspark Lodge said...

There's the Fargo I know and love. Welcome back!


(My W.V. is Icatfif)

VandyJ said...

Pissed off cats are the worst. Ours likes to fight through the windows at the neighborhood cats. Said windows are in our bedroom. 3am is never a good time to be woken up by a howling spitting ball of fury. I sympathize with your exorcism efforts.

Blake said...

There you go. Trying to impersonate a Firefighter because everyone loves the Fire Department.

Fire 100. You never have seen a cat skeleton in a tree.

Fire 101. If you MUST effect a rescue of a cat from a tree, frig, closet, etc, the best way to do so is with a 1 3/4 inch hose line, fully charged. And full turnouts if it trys to scratch you.

Fire 102. If the cat is an issue, have the Police shoot it.

Fire 103. Cat tastes just like chicken if prepared properly.

Momma Fargo said...


Yes, I have returned! :)

Vandy J, thank you. Chicks need to stick together.


Cops always know how to impersonate others...undercover 101, and notation to clause A which states imitating the firefighters is easy peasy. Of course, this cat was in my CASTLE, not in a tree, and I could not use the hose, nor the gun, and opted for the PETA way. And really? I didn't think firemen could cook anything other than chili and hamburgers. :)

Chef Blake said...

The PETA way. Exactly. People Eating Tasty Animals.

Google Police Cook book, and then Fire Department cook book. Lots more Fire Department cook books.

Or maybe that just means we need more direction. I never was good at coloring in the lines.

ravenjanedoh said...

Sasquatch lives here too, only he usually looks more like a coyote. - I have to say, your writing - from years back, to today has exploded! So awesome! You are my rockstar... even if you beat up helpless little kitties. (HA)
- keep on truckin' momma

Momma Fargo said...

Chef Blake,

I did Google that and there may be a lot of cookbooks...but inside...it's all varieties using hamburger and a few chili recipes. If you press "Look Inside" on the cop cookbooks...Greek chicken, Prime rib, shrimp etouffee, Elk tips and gravy, German pancakes, and party foods like fresh Guacamole, artichoke dip, and salads.

Watch out for coloring outside the lines...that can get you in trouble. I should know. LOL

speaking of chefs....

ravenjanedoh, HEELLLLOOOO, lovely lady! You should be a Sasquatch expert. LMAO. Your territory also breeds serial killers. Thanks for the compliment. I enjoy your writing as well. One of these days we will have to meet up in Buffalo, WY (half way mark?) to get my cookbook signed that you are going to be publishing?

GunDiva said...

Dang. Late to the party :(

I was going to mention that the hose draggers are good at rescuing cats because of their turnout gear, but someone beat me to it. Maybe replace your nice camisoles with kevlar?

Slamdunk said...

Meow MF! Meow!

I that same cat was peeking in our sliding door the other night. Glad we are too whimpy to cut the AC off at all this time of year. So with this house secure and the threat of a big goofy dog bolting outside at anytime, cat had to go find another homeowner to tangle with. Glad he chose one as nice as you.

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
Still got that tactical streak in 'ya...GOOD!

And NO, never leave windows open...you never know WHO will wind up INSIDE, when they should be OUTside.
(and another stray gets turned loose...sounds like the COURT systems..LOL)

Roll safe out there.
(BTW, oil will NOT sure squeaky steps)

Momma Fargo said...

GunDiva, Never too late!

Slamdunk, I am sending these stray cats to you. USPS Pony Express. Not sure the condition of them when they arrive. I did not purchase the insurance.

Bob G., I still got it!And no..no open windows.