Evidence 101

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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

It's Impotent

I love English majors. I am not one. I am a far cry from perfect in any realm. However, it would be nice if everyone spoke the same accent as is the middle of the USA, i.e....Rocky Mountain region. Do you ever notice your news anchors talk like they are from Wyoming?

They do not have southern drawls. They do not have Minnesota Norweigan accents. They do not pock their cah in the yahd. It is a hay loft, not a hay mow.

However, there is one thing I am not...IMPOTENT. I know this, because I checked. Twice. Only one species can define this word and it is not the chick version.

Therefore, if you are in the near south, you must listen carefully, lest you make yourself look silly.

In my case, that could happen.

If I don't understand you, I will have raised brows, a snarl, and have a somewhat strange look on my face, but I will nod and just pick out a few words and put together my own sentences to piece-meal what I think it is you are saying. Or...if you ramble on and on...I will do the same thing...nod in affirmation and maybe interject a few words. Am I listening to you? Halfway. Do I understand the conversation? Parts.

What kills me is the language barrier. I speak cowboy. No one understands me and I find myself thinking they should have me in Near South Language Immersion classes. I guess essentially, I am.

For instance, the language barrier is often to my disadvantage.

Last night, I dropped some mail on the sidewalk and a nice young man picked it up for me. Handing it to me, he stated...

RED: Mam, you dropped something. Packetsin somethin. Here ya go.

ME: Thank you.

RED: Y'all welcome. Wow. You have a lot of packetsin in letters. You must be impotent.

ME: [looking down] What?

RED: Impotent. You must be. Look at all that mail you are carrying. No wonder you fall down.

ME: Ok. Yep. Gravity is a bitch.

RED: I don't know of her.

ME: Yep. Well, thank you.

RED: Yoo noo?

ME: Pardon me?

RED: You new round here?

ME: Uh. I guess so. Been here almost 8 months.

RED: Guess I recken haven't seen ya outinabout much. Usually knews about folks whos news in town.

ME: Uh. Ok. Then.

RED: Ok. Have a nice day, mam!

ME: You too.

And on the second day, Fargo hibernated. Because she was impotent and folks knows news about her packet sins or something.


VandyJ said...

We are peculiarly lacking an accent here in good old Wyoming. Which can be nice for communication.

Mad Jack said...

Guy walks into a bar...

A well-to-do Georgia Peach took a wrong turn in Atlanta and ended up in Dayton, Ohio. She brought her cat, Miss Tiddles, with her. Miss Tiddles is a long haired Persian of impeccable breeding and a retired cat show blue ribbon winner (or winnah, as the case may be). In addition to regular, frequent grooming and a special diet, Miss Tiddles needed the occasional trim - the fur on her undercarriage must be trimmed such that when Miss Tiddles stands, the fur is in a straight line parallel with the floor.


Our Georgia Peach took Miss Tiddles to the cat groomer and requested a trim - "Ah'd lahk ah lion cut fo' mah kitty, Miss Tiddles. Can ya'll oblige me?"

As it turned out they could, but there was something lost in the translation. 'Line' is not 'Lion', and so when Miss Peach returned to collect Miss Tiddles... well, eventually she did finally come around with the assistance of a little 40 rod for medicinal purposes only, you see.

As for Miss Tiddles, her fur eventually grew back, but she was never quite the same cat.

'Lion' indeed.

Ya'll have a real nice day now, y'hear?

Momma Fargo said...

Vandy J, yes. It's awesome! Although I have to admit Irish, Aussie, and English accents are fun.

Mad Jack, my point exactly! Now you wonder why I like to hibernate.

Well Seasoned Fool said...

You should have a possible sack for your mail. Then you wouldn't get indianed up.

Coffeypot said...

Being from the South, I know Southerneese and that dude wasn't speaking it... nor was the lady with wanting her pussy shaved in a different way. But I will agree with sometimes the accent can be difficult to understand, especially if you are not listening or have no common sense. The way I see it, if you don't understand me, it's your loss.

Momma Fargo said...

Coffey, my darlin', I said the "near" south. I figure if you want me to hear what you are saying, you will talk real nice. And slow. Smoochies.

Momma Fargo said...

Well Seasoned, I like a sack as much as I like a purse. Not much. LMAO

Paxford said...

When I come visit all y'all please expect me to do a lot of smiling and nodding....

If it's *important* (ie. involving food or bookshops) please to write me a translation note :D


Momma Fargo said...


LOL. We will both be in a foreign land, smiling and nodding together!

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
Being from Philly, I tend to have my own unique accent (which can be switched ON or OFF along with intensity)...lol.

I DO get a kick out of the upper Midwesterners, though...

And I haven't been ANYWHERE yet in the USA where I needed "subtitles" to figure out what someone wa saying.
Yeah, I can even comprende CAJUN!
(that also applies to other nations who speak English - ebonics excluded of course...in ANY country)

Roll safe out there, Dear!