Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Susie Chapstick...revisited

And here you go, Bill, one from memory lane...03/24/11 to be exact...

Sometimes the simple things in my job crack me up...

Like when we arrest someone who has had a "privileged" life. Take this military brat....very, very drunk... for instance we arrested for public intoxication last night...

ME: Do you have someone sober who can come pick you up?


ME: Do you have money for a cab? I can call you a cab.

ROTTEN RANDY: Yes. I have lotssss of money, but iss for beer. I won't waste a dime on a cab. Fug that.

ME: Ok. How about money for a ride in a nice, fast blue charger...bed and breakfast in a big castle on the hill....I'll even throw in some bling...whole nine yards cost you about $110? Cab ride...$20?

ROTTEN RANDY: Pftst. I'm not using any of my money for a ride. Beer only.

ME: Okey dokey.

Sooo...Rotten Randy went with us in handcuffs to the JAIL. Sadly, he had never been in trouble before so...this was his first lesson.

ROTTEN RANDY: You can't put me in jail for thissss. I juss drunk.

ME: We explained all that, Mr. Howell.

ROTTEN RANDY: That's snot my name, dude.

ME: No shit. I was referring to you as the high and mighty Thurston Howell...SS Minnow? Gilligan's Island?

ROTTEN RANDY: Don't know it.

ME: Sure you do, Thurston, you are on a 3 hour tour...and destination...Gilligan's Island. The SS Minnow went down. Look it up.

ROTTEN RANDY: Thiss fugged up, lady.

The ride to the jail included a diarrhea of the mouth from Rotten Randy of how we were violating his civil rights and he was above the law.

Arrival jail.

Enter my favorite deputy detention officer....JUST JASON.

JUST JASON: Stand up.

ROTTEN RANDY: You don't have to be ssssoooo rude.

JUST JASON: Listen, tool. This is the jail. Do as I say. My words are not questions. They are orders. If you want to be a smart ass, I will face plant you on the floor. Kapeesh?

ROTTEN RANDY: [getting assy] I think you need a new approach. You don't jussss talk to me like that.

JUST JASON: You're right. I talk to everybody like that.

After he was searched and stripped off his city duds....Rotten Randy protested giving everything up...and snuck his chap stick. As he was walking to the book in room, staggering...trying to put on his chap stick...but hitting his cheek instead....JUST JASON noticed the violation.

JUST JASON: You can't have that in there. Give me your chap stick.

ROTTEN RANDY: No. I'm going to put some on first.

Thud! Thwack! Slam! ROTTEN RANDY: HEY! OW!

Sure enough...FOXY FRAN took the chap stick out of his hand while JUST JASON face planted him in to the wall with a flying arm bar. NICE!

JUST JASON: NOW! We aren't going to take any of your snotty crap in here, Susie Chapstick. Obey the rules and we will get along just fine. There are no privileges in here....except a public toilet in the middle of the cell.

ME: Welcome to the dark side. Maybe you should learn to obey the rules.

ROTTEN RANDY: Can they do this?

ME: Oh, yes...and boy howdy...are you in for a treat. Hope they don't put you in with THE SCORPION. He's been in here for days. Or worse...when your lips are chapped....they make you use Bag Balm instead of your fancy chap stick...and the tub has been dipped in by all sorts of felons...sharing it...putting their fingers in it...applying it to their lips. Check it out.

JUST JASON: You're right...community Bag Balm...thank God that rancher donated that used one. The economy and all.

ROTTEN RANDY: Uh...I will just go without.

ME: Really? Seems like you never have gone without....what a great idea! You could fast or protest in here just to demonstrate your civil rights...be a martar...start a club or something.

JUST JASON: Shut it.

ME: [big cheesy smile] Just trying to help.

JUST JASON: Alright, Susie Chapstick, let's get moving.

ROTTEN RANDY: I think it is a violation of my civil rights that you refer to me as a woman when I am clearly a man....and  OOF! OW! What the fug, dude?

JUST JASON: See how that works, Susie? Chapstick hand...blade of hand...armbar...is a great lever...when the mouth gets ahead of the brain. Bam! 


JUST JASON:  Just like applying chap stick...it becomes a Pavlov response.

ME: Did I ever tell you how much I love you?

JUST JASON: Tell me again.

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