Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Thursday, August 1, 2013

the RAIN

It started to rain about 15:00 yesterday. Still on military time. My boss laughed and started to give me names of students out loud using the phonetic alphabet. She giggled to herself. I was amused. And it was easier for me to write them down. It's the little things that put a sparkle in our days sometimes.

When I went home, I took the dogs outside for a run in the yard even though it was misting. I smiled and looked around, remembering days like this in Wyoming, I would run naked outside, enjoying the rain. NOT.HAPPENING.HERE. Dang. The things I took advantage of and didn't really appreciate until it's taken away. I suppose I will adjust.

I couldn't write. I didn't feel like it. I watched a couple episodes of The Bridge to catch up. TV on Demand is a wonderful thing if you have a life. It's nice to not have to record or run to the television so you don't miss your favorite show.

It was just me, Moose, and the Big O. Feeling like having the sound of sunshine, I called Bug. She was short and snappy, answered my questions with "nothing", "good", "yes", and "no." It was like talking to her father. I would be lying to myself if I didn't say I was disappointed. It didn't sound like the happy kid I had at home. I don't know if she talks like that to me because she is at her dad's and he is present, or if she is really being THAT rude.

Otis, Moose, and I went back to watching The Bridge. Even after a couple hours of that, I was not enthralled like I normally am, so I decided I might as well turn in. The dogs were snuggled in their spots and seemed to have the same idea.

It was cold. I even thought to put "take AC units" out of the windows as a "to do" for the weekend. Fall is fast approaching and we all at work were talking about how it feels like fall now.

I put my flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt on...my favorite lounging attire when it's cold in the house. Soon, I was fast asleep and for some reason I had chosen to grab a quilt and sleep on top of the feather comforter and sheets. Lazy, I guess.

At about 3:00 (yes, the witching hour again), I woke up. I don't know why, but I felt a heaviness in my heart that I don't know where it came from at that time or place. I was overwhelmed with tears and curled up in a fetal position and wrapped my quilt around me. Just like Linus. Only the girl version.

Maybe it was Otis and his health. Maybe it was the divorce. Maybe it was the quiet loneliness of the house. Maybe it was the soft rain. I don't know.

I started to think about how damaged inside I really am. I don't know if I am fooling myself to think I have come out of this marriage without some serious mental damage. Maybe the serial killer did leave a permanent mark. Am I broken? I'd like to think I am not. I really don't know.

After moments of sobbing, I tried to shake it off, not wanting to feel this way. I had so much to be grateful for and my new job has been wonderful, with the staff embracing me as a person outside of work as well. A lady in the office invited me to go with her skydiving this weekend. I offered to take pictures of her if they would let me in the plane. She said the pilot was a friend and that would be no problem. She offered dinner afterward. Just the girls. It's nice to have friends of the female persuasion. Sometimes you just need a sista.

I fell back asleep for a short time and woke up abruptly to noise and clatter up the stairs and at my door. Before too long, the door burst open. The intruders were facing me in my monkey pjs and a Glock to their face. I just shook my head.

Dumb and dumber.

Yep. Big O and Moose had made their way up the stairs for some reason. Otis NEVER goes up the stairs and I would have to carry him up to get him there or drag him by a harness. It was like dragging a donkey across the field. More like jackass.

He made me smile. It's the first time he came up there. So I didn't mind having the boys jump on the bed and snuggle with me for the rest of the morning. Usually, I would be upset because I am picky about having a clean, neat bed and no dogs in it. It was an exception. I certainly couldn't make Big O go back downstairs.

We perked up to the cardinal's song outside my window and then dozed off...Moose next to me with his head on my shoulder and Otis laying on my feet. I didn't even mind having to strip the bed this morning and wash the bed clothes because of the dogs. I didn't mind having two dogs sitting pretty in the bathroom while I showered and put my makeup on either. They were like two bobble heads with every stroke of my mascara. I couldn't help think why Otis has to go at a time I really need him. Can I ever catch a break? Am I even supposed to ask God for that?

I still had tears form in my eyes throughout the morning and on the way to work. I HATE mirroring the weather. WTF? Even turning up Bone Thugs and Nelly wasn't pushing out the thoughts of how broken am I really? When will I know? Will I be OK again? Will I be suitable for someone...ever?

Do you ever feel like you hit a brick wall?


Mad Jack said...

Back in the bad old days when I was a slim, trim lady killer that could make any woman feel like absolute royalty, one of my co-workers was a little girl who acted so sweet that I'd practically get diabetes when she walked into a room. One morning I came in with a worse hangover than usual and Little Miss Saccharin greeted me with her usual hearts and flowers, "Good morning, Jack! Isn't it a wonderful day?"
Frankly, it was not a wonderful day and I said as much to her. Undaunted she countered with a lovingly concerned, "Isn't life beautiful for you?"

"No Sharon, it isn't. Frankly, life's a bitch."

Which got a genuine laugh from one of the two men at work I actually liked. Sadly, he's dead now. Suicide, aided by depraved indifference from his live in boyfriend.

So here's the thing. The first three years in any given profession is spent learning the job. After that, it's repetition with very little learning going on. So the first three years you were a cop was spent learning; the rest of the time was spent dealing with the worst examples of humanity that can be found outside of elected office or a walled estate. And by the way, you also have to deal with the complete and total assholes who are your co-workers, but that the brass hasn't yet fired for a combination of abuse and gross dereliction of duty. How many years did you do this?

Then you get taken in by a complete jerk with a good line. Twice.

What makes this worse is that you're a bright person. Trust me, you're well on the good side of the bell curve. That means that you are much more susceptible to abuse - you cannot be both bright and callous without being a sociopath. You have a thin skin, and this is a good thing if you're raising a family or interacting with the general public (not criminals).

Now having said all that, any other person like you, having endured all you have had to endure, would require a combination of Thorazine, whiskey and electroshock therapy just to be able to get up in the morning.

And you wonder just why you feel weepy? A little blue maybe?

Because Big Momma, if you didn't you'd be a serial killer. That's why.

Angelwithatwist said...

And after that comment I have nothing to add. You are broken darling.. just slightly bruised and have had to face it with the writing and the alone time. If you DIDN'T eventually break down and cry I would have been way more concerned about you.

Angela Varner said...

It's when we are at our lowest that everything seems to happen at once. You are strong, but it will take time to recover. I am sure once Bug is home she will be her normal self. Take heart that there are people, some who you have never met, that are pulling for you.

Pulling for ya in CA said...

Mad Jack has summed up my thoughts exactly.

We may not know each other but I care about what happens to you.

You have been compassionate to others for so long, it's time to have compassion for yourself.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You always get through the crap and come out shinier than ever. This time will be no different. And yes, I've felt like I've been flattened against a brick wall by a steam roller. We eventually peel ourselves off of it.

Hugs and prayers,

Coffeypot said...

So you are having a pity party. Good! Now get over it and live and love your life. You cannot change the past... you can recognize it for what it was, know what to do next time and move on. What I want to know is, did you drop the puns and mop up the blood or did you call the cops? Please do not tell me you let them go.

Ms. A said...

I can definitely relate to that brick wall feeling.

Job? I was away for a couple of weeks, so obviously I missed something, because it doesn't sound like you're talking about your shop.

The FBI said...

Bug misses you. Simple. People show it different ways at different times, but bottom line she can't wait to get back to you.

You? Bruised. Bruises heal. Just take your time and enjoy life. Everything has a reason. You, of all people know that.

Shoot something. Go to the range and blow off a few boxes.

Judy Susan said...

Here's what bothers me most about this entire post my dear.
"Will I be suitable for someone...ever?"

what the Hell farg.. have we not discussed this for hours on end? Head/dashboard.. damn it woman.. there is ONE person you have to be suitable for.. the one in the mirror..

grrrrrrr. I'm gonna come out there and whop you until you get it.. stop worrying about "someone someday" and start worrying about YOU TODAY!.. the rest will come if it suppose to.

As long as you keep "growing old together " in your brain.. it's never going to happen naturally.. and naturally is the only way that works.

I love ya woman but holy shit.. head/desk

Judy Susan said...

PS plus, I know that Husband In a Jar works fine.. I'm up to finding out if Ex Husband in a Jar is just as good!

Slamdunk said...

Hopefully, you are just reading too much into your daughter's short responses. The Mrs. does that here with older boy and, to this point, it has been easily explained.

But what better cheer up than to have the furry initiate a slumber party. Unfortunately for you, that may be the status quo now.

I hope you feel better MF.

GunDiva said...

I don't think you're broken, just bruised and battered. :(

I think everyone else has said what needs to be said.

Your Colorado family loves you!

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
Hey, if I don't hit at least ONE brick wall per day, I'm just not alive.
And when people ask WHY I do that, I tell them:
"Because it feels SO damn good when I stop!"

And your dogs KNOW what's going on more than you can imagine. That's why they were there for 'ya.

Hang in there, Kiddo.
We're all in this boat together...just at different oars.

Roll safe out there.