When I went home, I took the dogs outside for a run in the yard even though it was misting. I smiled and looked around, remembering days like this in Wyoming, I would run naked outside, enjoying the rain. NOT.HAPPENING.HERE. Dang. The things I took advantage of and didn't really appreciate until it's taken away. I suppose I will adjust.
I couldn't write. I didn't feel like it. I watched a couple episodes of The Bridge to catch up. TV on Demand is a wonderful thing if you have a life. It's nice to not have to record or run to the television so you don't miss your favorite show.
It was just me, Moose, and the Big O. Feeling like having the sound of sunshine, I called Bug. She was short and snappy, answered my questions with "nothing", "good", "yes", and "no." It was like talking to her father. I would be lying to myself if I didn't say I was disappointed. It didn't sound like the happy kid I had at home. I don't know if she talks like that to me because she is at her dad's and he is present, or if she is really being THAT rude.
Otis, Moose, and I went back to watching The Bridge. Even after a couple hours of that, I was not enthralled like I normally am, so I decided I might as well turn in. The dogs were snuggled in their spots and seemed to have the same idea.
It was cold. I even thought to put "take AC units" out of the windows as a "to do" for the weekend. Fall is fast approaching and we all at work were talking about how it feels like fall now.
I put my flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt on...my favorite lounging attire when it's cold in the house. Soon, I was fast asleep and for some reason I had chosen to grab a quilt and sleep on top of the feather comforter and sheets. Lazy, I guess.
At about 3:00 (yes, the witching hour again), I woke up. I don't know why, but I felt a heaviness in my heart that I don't know where it came from at that time or place. I was overwhelmed with tears and curled up in a fetal position and wrapped my quilt around me. Just like Linus. Only the girl version.
Maybe it was Otis and his health. Maybe it was the divorce. Maybe it was the quiet loneliness of the house. Maybe it was the soft rain. I don't know.
I started to think about how damaged inside I really am. I don't know if I am fooling myself to think I have come out of this marriage without some serious mental damage. Maybe the serial killer did leave a permanent mark. Am I broken? I'd like to think I am not. I really don't know.
After moments of sobbing, I tried to shake it off, not wanting to feel this way. I had so much to be grateful for and my new job has been wonderful, with the staff embracing me as a person outside of work as well. A lady in the office invited me to go with her skydiving this weekend. I offered to take pictures of her if they would let me in the plane. She said the pilot was a friend and that would be no problem. She offered dinner afterward. Just the girls. It's nice to have friends of the female persuasion. Sometimes you just need a sista.
I fell back asleep for a short time and woke up abruptly to noise and clatter up the stairs and at my door. Before too long, the door burst open. The intruders were facing me in my monkey pjs and a Glock to their face. I just shook my head.
Dumb and dumber.
Yep. Big O and Moose had made their way up the stairs for some reason. Otis NEVER goes up the stairs and I would have to carry him up to get him there or drag him by a harness. It was like dragging a donkey across the field. More like jackass.
He made me smile. It's the first time he came up there. So I didn't mind having the boys jump on the bed and snuggle with me for the rest of the morning. Usually, I would be upset because I am picky about having a clean, neat bed and no dogs in it. It was an exception. I certainly couldn't make Big O go back downstairs.
We perked up to the cardinal's song outside my window and then dozed off...Moose next to me with his head on my shoulder and Otis laying on my feet. I didn't even mind having to strip the bed this morning and wash the bed clothes because of the dogs. I didn't mind having two dogs sitting pretty in the bathroom while I showered and put my makeup on either. They were like two bobble heads with every stroke of my mascara. I couldn't help think why Otis has to go at a time I really need him. Can I ever catch a break? Am I even supposed to ask God for that?
I still had tears form in my eyes throughout the morning and on the way to work. I HATE mirroring the weather. WTF? Even turning up Bone Thugs and Nelly wasn't pushing out the thoughts of how broken am I really? When will I know? Will I be OK again? Will I be suitable for someone...ever?
Do you ever feel like you hit a brick wall?