Why? Because I am a big 'ol baby.
I had plans to get a pedicure and mentioned it in the office. I was excited because as an employee of the campus, I received a coupon book and in it was a discount to get one for only $12.00. Now that's a deal. Even I'm not stupid.
I saved it for this week because it is a special week.
So, it didn't work out as I planned. I mean I worked myself up to this for two weeks.
In the office, you see, I have done some things on the sly, or so I thought. A lady's father died suddenly and I placed flowers on her desk when she returned to work. I brought peaches for everyone to enjoy. I have cleaned up the kitchen and conference room just because it needed it after some events. I took on extra projects because I wasn't as busy as some of the other employees. One of the ladies is having problems with a coworker and can't get any resolve. I placed some flowers on her desk and a sign to cheer her up. None of this cost much of anything because the flowers are cut from my yard and the vase's are jars I had laying around. I worked for the peaches. Doing extra work is nothing.
Or so I thought.
As I left work, I was accosted by two friends in town and I will refer to as Doris and Colleen. Me and my big mouth for announcing my coupon intentions to the world.
I didn't really know a good nail place, so I was just going to use the coupon. It just so happens I wasn't going to do it alone. Three with coupons? Why not.
Or so I thought.
Once I got there and explained my desire to have the best $12.00 coupon pedicure they could muster, I was summoned to the back. When someone puts you in the back, you should always be cautious. Especially when they bring two of your new found friends.
Or so I thought.
My pedi-specialist as I refer to her as...was Vietnamese. Not a Chinese Nancy. But I was OK with that. Although, sitting in the spa chair, I did miss her. I did think about her as well. Especially when my lady said the magic word. Her name is Ngoc, but she wrote down "Shirley" for me. I think it is her stage name. I pointed to her certificate and asked why Shirley and if it was her porn name. That really was NOT the proper thing to say. A pin could have been dropped. Doris and Colleen gasped and then laughed hysterically. I had to back pedal on that one and remember my humor is not universal and not multi-cultural. Epic fail. Actually, it was an exceptionally bad error as it could have gotten me kicked out, beat up, or hooked up with Sumo Ted, the bouncer of the place. He spoke very little English and had a fu-man-chu that had a frowny face appearance. I shut my mouth. It was a historical moment.
Vietnam Shirley started to work on me. I was staring at her because she had such a natural beauty, modern hairstyle, and wonderful skin. Then she said the magic words only Chinese Nancy could utter so eloquently...
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: Wewax.
ME: (instant smile): Oh, sorry.
For some reason it brought me to familiar. Then I was waiting for Shirley to tell me my fortune, but it never happened. Instead, something far worse happened.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: Do you want salt and oil rub, paraffin wax soak and peel? $5.00 extra.
ME: Uh. No. I better....
DORIS: Yes, she does. I am paying for it.
ME: Uh. No. I have a coupon and I am perfectly happy with this.
COLLEEN: Ok. Whatever. Shirley, do her up.
ME: *blink*blink* I will fork out the extra 5.
DORIS/COLLEEN: No. We got it.
So we all went back to our spa pedis and I was enjoying mine so well...until...the old lady next to me farted. I mean, really. Who farts in the pedi room? There is no effing where to run. You are stuck there, snorting that shit. Until it dissipates. And you know what Doris said? Yep.
DORIS: Fuck me in the ass. Who farted?
ME: *blink*blink* I think I found my soul sister.
OLD LADY: Oh, excuse me (tee heeing) I got so relaxed it just escaped. So embarrassing. So sorry ladies.
So...I, we, dealt with the fart. It was horrible. I should have gotten a $5.00 pedicure.
Soon, I was taken out of my relaxation mode and alarmed by Shirley taking a chainsaw and dremel tool to my feet.
ME: Were my summer feet in flip flops that bad? I mean, I used to get these every two weeks, but I haven't had a pedicure since December of last year.
I shouldn't have said that. Shirley held up the disposable rug and we all grossed out. How embarrassing.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: You no wait no mo like dat. You nee com in ewey two wee.
ME: Uh. Er..k.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: Yah. you do. Nahsty. Must be bootiwall wady. Not dis nahsty fee.
ME: I know. Just isn't in the budget.
I don't know if she understood, but maybe so. She just smiled. Doris and Colleen were looking at magazines and had funny looks on their faces. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I could sense something wasn't right.
I enjoyed the rest of my pedi and it turned out amazing. Shirley was wonderful.
Or so I thought.
It was a conspiracy.
When she was finished, she started to chatter again. Have you ever had to deal with a language barrier? I know I concentrate, open my ears and my eyes...and squint. I look like this...
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: You like na don? Manna?
Now we were talking Spanish. Or something.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: Nays? You need nays today? They shor and no goo.
ME: Yes, I know. Not in the bud..
COLLEEN: Yes, she is. Go take her out front.
ME: No. I can't.
COLLEEN: Ok. Here it is. We know what you have been doing at your office. We love you. It's your birthday week. Shut it.
DORIS: Honey, you are such a blessing to us and you make our days bright with your humor and positive attitude. Plus we know you work hard. You work, take care of Bug, and run your shop. And still have time for us! We want to treat you.
The flood gates opened. I couldn't stop it. Ugh.
DORIS: Oh, sweety, we aren't trying to make you upset. We just wanted to give you something fun. We know it's hard to get back on your feet.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: Oh. No cry. No cry. We fix. Come heeayah. Seet dow.
I was plopped in a chair at a nail station.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: You like colah?
I nodded my head.
DORIS: No full set.
The lady next to me told me to go for it and no color. It looks "natural" and pretty. She showed me her nails. It was the same as I used to get in Wyoming. Happy joy joy.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: You get Frenchie? You lie?
Now what the hell?
ME: Ok. Frenchie. Go for it.
I closed my eyes and braced myself but it was just nails. Whew. It would have been the first time I kissed a girl like that. I didn't think I wanted to, but my friends were treating me. Not really. I knew she meant French Manicure.
While Shirley was doing my nails, she looked at me in horror about halfway through. She actually gasped. She pushed my hair aside and off my face.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: Oh, honwee. Eye bra? No no no. You loo lie moanster.
What is a moan-ster? Is it sexual? How could she tell by my face? I wasn't even in position.
DORIS: Do it. Do the eyebrows.
I really started to cry. Not only was the spa treatment too nice and thoughtful, I had let myself get a unibrow and I was unkempt like Cinderella. I was a monster.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: No cry. No cry. We may yoo prehee lady.
ME: O...(sniff sniff) k. Thank you.
Doris was rubbing my back and Colleen was patting my leg. Pitiful.
Soon, a Vietnamese gentleman came over.
VIETNAM SUNI: It Oh kay. We may yoo ower and yoo lee here new lady. (big smile)
The nails were gorgeous. She even put a flower on them with bling.
After the nails were in place and drying, the girls hustled me off to another room where I lay back in the dreaded eye brow chair.
VIETNAM SHIRLEY: We do lip and chin? No. You no nee that. No hay there. Loo good. Just eye bra. Uck. Oohh. Bad bad.
She ripped and pulled and winced so much I was sure I was almost a Yeti bride rescued from the woods. Blah! I should have taken care of those at home better.
DORIS: Don't you feel better, honey? You look wonderful.
COLLEEN: Happy Birthday, sweety!
Gee whiz. I sure have some very nice friends.
On a side note, when I get my budget increase (please Uncle Sam-are you kidding me? I was not going there. I can get my budge arranged all by myself)...it is nice to know that here in the near south...pedi-manis are a third of the price that I paid in Wyoming. Thank you, baby Jesus.
And when I got home, I had to show my new self to the boys.
Otis...he liked me petting him with my pretty bling nails. And I could scratch his belly better. Until he relaxed so much he farted. And then it was like a spa day all over again. Gah!
All is good in the Harry Potter House.
Except for the missing Bug...she was off at a church retreat. She will surely not recognize her mother all cleaned up and minus the Bushman unibrow.
Do you think Moose he needs a facial wax?