Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...







Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Abduction

Teenagers get abducted by aliens at the age of 13. We can see the development of becoming a target for this capture at about 11 and progressing rapidly by 12. Sometimes, claws, scales, and big buggy eye balls start to appear. Other times, it is a mental transition. Every parent in America should be prepared for this event.

ME: Hi, honey. How was your day?

BUG: Marvelous! I got an A in science today which brings my bad test score up.

ME: Great! Did you ask about additional work you could do to improve or how you could better prepare for the next test?

BUG: Mom! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WRITE A LETTER TO MY TEACHER TO ASK THIS. It's not like preparing for the end of the world. It's my life! You need to pay attention.

ME: Uh. No. I told you  that you needed to take the initiative and approach your teacher and be prepared that she could say "no" and you have to live with it. I was going to write a note to ask her about your study habits or what she is observing in class. No need to yell at your mother.

BUG: OH. FINE! NOW YOU ARE A SPY. 

ME: Well, as a matter of fact, I have uploaded the GPS tracker device your father and I installed in you when you were a baby.

BUG: That's sick. I just want normal parents.

ME: Actually, that is a fantastic idea. And we are fresh out of normal. So what did you learn in school today?

BUG: We had a presentation on our you know...periods.

ME: English class? (snorting because I am so giving her a hard time)

BUG: NO! MOM! YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT! 

ME: Oh. The OTHER period. When would you like to sit down and  have the sex talk with your mother?

BUG: NEver! MY moTHER does NOT HAVE SEX and I DON't WANt TO HEAR abOUT it! UGH! 

ME: Hmm. Well, you could have the talk that my parents gave me.

BUG: What was that?

ME: DON'T DO IT. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. NICE GIRLS DON'T DO THAT. It ruined me. So unfair. I didn't have cool parents. I learned about sex through dad's Playboy magazines, the library, and the boys at school. There wasn't even any television shows that showed any of that. NICE GIRLS. Do you know how much guilt goes through your head when you are a horny teenager and NICE GIRLS are not supposed to think that. I began to think I was the devil spawn or something for having sex thoughts. 

BUG: EW! GROSS! Yeah. I know this already. I don't do it at all. I don't want to do it. CHANGE THE SUBJECT!

ME: Good. You should wait. 
I was a nice girl until I was 22, then I was really mad at my parents because if I had only known what I was missing, I would have had a lot more fun. Picture this...I went three year of college with no sex. The last American virgin in college in 1989...

BUG: MOM! GROSS! I DO NOT WANT TO PICTURE YOU HAVING SEX! STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. I CAN'T BE HAVING THESE PICTURES OF YOU! NASTY!

ME: Pictures? No, we never took pictures back then. That's all new stuff. 

BUG: Why do you do this to me? Why? You are a horrible mother. Who does this to their child? I am not listening any more!

ME: I don't want you to be freaked out about sex, honey. We should be able to talk about it and any questions you might have. It's a wonderful thing, just not until you are older and ready for it. (big smile) In fact...

BUG: STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! I SAID I AM DONE! DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION!

ME: Ok. Do all you teenagers talk in capitals to your parents and yell, or just you?

BUG: IT'S BECAUSE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SEX! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW OR HEAR IT EITHER! IT IS GROSS! SEX IS GROSS AND NASTY! I HATE EVEN TALKING ABOUT IT!

ME: Super. Plan A worked.

BUG: What do you mean?

ME: We are in the yard.

BUG: Yes. I know THAT, MOTHER!

ME: Well, every boy in town just heard you yell that you hate sex and it is gross and nasty. Mission accomplished. Could you yell louder so the next two towns over could hear you as well?

BUG: I SO HATE YOU!

ME: You might want to summon the mother ship now. 

BUG: I JUST WANT A NORMAL MOTHER!

ME: *blink*blink* Yep. Yep. We all can dream. 



6 comments:

Coffeypot said...

My granddaughter did the same thing. DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT (holding hands over her ears and running away.) So funny.

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
Bug doesn't quite get the gist of what is a "normal" parent...
(of she only knew)

Give her time...she might come to actually APPRECIATE it soon enough, though.

Well done...good dialogue.

Roll safe out there.

VandyJ said...

Ha! No such thing as normal parents anywhere, just a grass is greener at your friends house sort of thing. Their parents are normal, why can't you be more like them.
Our days are numbered, Turbo is heading that way.

Angelwithatwist said...

I have boys, and a grandchild from the oldest. Who has no issues telling me about sex, asking me questions about this or that. But GOD forbid he realize that his father and I still do 'that'. Like the day he came through our LOCKED bedroom door with ease to go to the bathroom since someone was in theirs.. yeah there was a reason it was locked all I am saying.. he kept saying his eyes burned.. bwhahahaahah

GunDiva said...

Perfect!

Allenspark Lodge said...

Love it. Of course, all our kids were of the cabbage patch variety, because it was easier for them to believe - even the GunDiva.
Bionic Cowgirl