Evidence 101

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Saturday, October 19, 2013

Corn-holio...Stalk me

I am so far behind in my posting of stories and book reviews. Please forgive me. I was pretending to be the government.

Last night, my friend brought my daughter and I to the famous Haunted Corn Maze and Fun Farm. When we first entered the field parking lot donned with Cadillacs, junkers, and big trucks...I thought..."Wow!" We are multicultural.

It was quite the production and totally first class. Equipped with an hour and half long haunted corn maze, a lighted zip line, pumpkin patch, three concession trucks filled with bad goodness, and a farm shop filled with Halloween d├ęcor, corn stalks, and gourds. During the day, they have a petting zoo, cut out people for great picture taking and activities for kids. There was also the "friendly" corn maze section which was just a series of mazes and riddles with decorations that invited children to laugh and have fun trying to pick the right path.

Bug began to get apprehensive during the wait.

Once we got to the Maze Master who gave us the rules...

1) You can't touch them, they can't touch you.
2)No running
3) No cutting through the corn
4) If you need to stop and get rescued, hold your hands straight up in the air to the actors and they will have someone lead you out
5) No pushing
6)No drinking and smoking
7)Don't destroy any props or decorations
8) Have fun

ME: Do you allow screaming?
MAZE MASTER: Oh, yes. Lots of that.
ME: Whew.
BUG: Um, your rule about not touching them. My Mommy has to keep her hands down because she might punch someone.
MAZE MASTER: Mam, do you have an anger problem?
BUG: No, she doesn't except when she gets mad at me, but she has reflexes.
MAZE MASTER: Ah, one of those. Mam, keep your hands down at your sides.
ME: Yes, Mam.
LILY (my friend): Yeah, right. This will be hilarious. We are making Fargo go first.
BUG: Yeah, Mom. You have to go first.
MAZE MASTER: Well, looks like you got the short straw.
ME: Yep. Always.

The Maze Master was a hoot. We asked her if she had gone through it and she said, "No way." The girls in front of us had quite the reputation and had a girl with them who had never made it through the maze. We were about to make history, because I was going to run over or shove those girls through.

The Maze Master must have read my mind and she had the girls ahead of us go and we waited quite some time.

Then we were off like a herd of pumpkins.

And the SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF US began. We had not even gotten 30 feet when we were met with fog, a booby trapped washing machine, ghouls, a clown, quick sand, and trap doors.

BUG: (fearful and crying) Mommy, I don't know if I can do this. I peed a little.
ME: What?
BUG: Mommy, I peed my pants.
ME: (laughing) Oh, honey. I'm sorry. We have to make it through. Hold my hand.
BUG: No, Mommy. I'm serious. I'm having a heart attack.
LILY: It's Ok, sweetie. We will protect  you. Hold our hands and be in the middle.

So we continued on over bridges that shook and made you feel like  you were going to fall off only to be met by the Grim Reaper at the end who forced you back on the bridge then you met by a headless pumpkin character man thing with a chain saw.

FUCK.ME.IN.THE.ASS.

Your gut instinct was to run or fight. I really wanted to take them down. Then the RULES pounded in my head. Damn rules. We were then stuck in this place of doom with the scared girls whom we had caught up to. They were screaming like banshees and crying and the whole malarkey. It was hilarious. But I didn't like unstable bridges. We pushed past the girls and pushed the Grim Reaper aside and went on to more fog...then silence. Silence is worse than the noise and chaos. We heard some rustling in the corn stalks, but nobody came out. Just as we caught our breath, and rounded a corner to see a tunnel, fog, and some spooky noises. We entered the tunnel. I had my had ready in Ninja fashion as I held Bug's hand and drug the group. I knew what was going to happen. Even though you know you are going to get stuck in that tunnel with people chasing you and blocking your way, it still scares the shit out of you.

And so it did. The slow girls had caught up to us and they were so scared that one jumped on top of the other and cried. These were high school seniors. Lily and I laughed so hard that we peed our pants a little. No shit.

BUG: What's wrong with you two?
ME: Um. I think I peed a little.
LILY: Me too. I was scared and then I laughed when I saw that girl jump on her friend that did it.
ME: Me too. How embarrassing.
BUG: Mommy!
ME: What!
BUG: That guy is coming with a hatchet!

So we ran our little pee pee pants out of there to the corn stalk path into more pending doom. We experienced the hay rides, we walked through the light of the moon through the pumpkin patch. We checked out all the crazy gourds. We pee peed our pants. I didn't think my adrenaline would be elevated at all and I was high on natural crack.

I automatically wanted to take them out or run...two rules I sorta broke. I didn't break any noses or bones. One of the slow girls got punched in the face by a bad guy. Not sure what that was about, but it was probably during all the nutso activity with a mob of scared girls stuck in a group. Fight or flight or flailing arms or something. She totally deserved it. She wouldn't get out of my way. There was no way she would survivethe Zombie Apocalypse. In fact, she is going to be bait.

We had a great time and encountered more scariness. It was AWESOME!

Check out your local attractions and support your local folks. You won't be disappointed.

My bucket list adventure? A good haunted house.

My advice? You might want to bring diapers. Or forever wear pee pee pants. At least wear them proud. I did! Or maybe, just go to the bathroom before you do anything haunted this Halloween season.

5 comments:

ravenjanedoh said...

I totally want to go there! I've yet to find a haunted anything that can actually scare me; tried Halloween horror nights, mazes, houses, all of it.... and nothing. I can't get past the fact it's Bill the bag boy dressed in drag and guts.... ::sigh:: someday... then again, everything here in hippy land is rather tame for the sake of "everyone is a winner & don't hug the trees... you might damage the rare Scandinavian moss" - or some P.C. stupid shit like that.
I really want to pee my pants. - am I sick?
-Have missed you!!

ravenjanedoh said...

P.S.; how the hell do I follow you? I never get notified you've posted... GGGrrrrrrrr

Allenspark Lodge said...

Sounds like it was a heck of a lot of fun!!!!
Bionic Cowgirl

Coffeypot said...

I was thinking before you said it that you should keep those girls close by to use as bate. Push one toward the threat and scram.

Anonymous said...

Ok Now I have a new thing on my bucket list. I so want to come out there next year and do the lighted zip line.. Ellie and I will do that, and you The Major can do the haunted corn maze. I hate the mazes that are not haunted.

We have an awesome haunted house in the little town next to us. It's a hoot. We go every year, and every year they make us scream.

hate captcha.. but had to comment next time, i'll just catch ya on facebitch.

The Queen