Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...







Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Neighbor Episode Number 9,790.9


I had to go to the barn to retrieve some Freshwave inventory I sold on Amazon. I turned on the lights and headed to the room with the stored products. I heard a noise behind the tall sheets of metal stacked for the scrap yard. I had some graffiti artists work their magic on the back side of the barn last year a few days before I purchased the house (according to Lord Farquaad and Sheriff Mike). Keep in mind in the area where the metal is it is very, very dark. The light doesn’t quite go that far.

ME: Alright you little bastard, come out of there before I flatten you.

The metal rattled and almost fell down (it’s 10 feet high).

ME: I mean it, you little shit. I will kick your ass. I am not going to put up with stealing and tagging my property. Come out here. We are going to talk to your parents.

The metal rattled even more so and soon, I saw movement. I was going to grab that little bastard by the hoodie and drag him to mommy and daddy, that is, after I gave him the what for and showed him my ninja skills if he tried anything.

I soon screamed to high heaven as a possum came running at me. With. Big. Eyes. He was huge and fat and pokey hairy. And grey. He was 50 shades of grey. I swear he was at least 3 feet tall and 75 pounds. I was afraid he would eat small children. After I got done screaming like a sissy girl and dancing around, I saw he was about 4 pounds.

ME: Yahhhhhhhh! OOOOOOOOoooo! Get out of here, you little shit. Go! Go! Get!

He looked at me. With. Big. Eyes. (The better to see you, My Dear)

ME: I mean it. You get! Go! Scoot! Leave! Andale!

He went forward the wrong way and I blocked him.

ME: Yah! Yah! Yah! Go! Get out of here! We! We! We!

He scooted to my tool room. My tools are my jewels.

It was very dark and scary in there and I ran and ran around banging things to make noise. I don’t know where he went except he ran and hid. Nasty thing.

LORD FARQUAAD: What’s all the racket over there?

ME: Possum in the barn.

LORD FARQUAAD: Oh. You would have thought you had some kind of cowboy dance combined with a haunted house or something. Really strange.

ME: How do you get rid of possums in your barn?

LORD FARQUAAD: You shoot ‘em.

ME: But I don’t want holes in my barn.

LORD FARQUAAD: They shit everywhere and have you seen the size of them things?

ME: Yeah.

LORD FARQUAAD: Do I need to say more?

Yeah. I don’t know what was up with the pig noises either. You just start possum panic when they appear. They are creepy things. I think they only come out at Halloween time. Shudder.

3 comments:

Well Seasoned Fool said...

US Army, German, circa 1960's, bivouac in the woods. I'm on guard duty and hear noises on the perimeter. "Ah ha", to myself, "Troops snuck off to the nearest town and are now sneaking back".

Best G.I. voice, "Halt, who goes there?" and turn on my flashlight. Who goes there is a wild boar with tusks. It is a wonderful thing, how high and fast you can climb the side of a truck. Like a bull rider headed for the fence with a mean Brahama after him.

Coffeypot said...

He was only doing what you commanded. You should have gone ahead and kicked his ass.

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
No, they really only come out at night...lol.

There are some good pest guys out there that will trap and remove them...like what we had done for the raccoon that was tearing up the (old) roof on the house.

We also had any tree limbs trimmed back enough for them NOT to be able to get back onto the NEW roof.

Sadly, some of the buggers are in the vacant house NEXT DOOR...and Ft. Wayne Animal Control won't get rid of them...go figure.
(they have to be injured or sick)

Know any LEOs down there with itchy trigger-fingers?
I got a "job" (injury venue) for them...!

:)

Good post.

Stay safe down there.
And remember, possums NEVER carry spray paint.
(no pockets OR opposing thumbs)_