Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...







Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Prize Is In The Serial Box

I guess the most tragic thing is I let it happen. Over and over. I hid it from everyone. I didn't want anyone to know. After all, I was a cop and a tough one...inside and out. So I thought. And how did a seemingly intelligent, strong person get into a mess like this. It became a cycle, much like a wave pounding me over and over and just when I would reach the top to get some air, it came crashing back on top of me, pushing me under.

Little did I know he was breaking me down, bit by bit. Soon, in my personal life, there was just a little piece of me left. It was enough. It was enough to push back. However, pushing back only added fuel to the flame. For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction...

Serial Killer Monday! Soon.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Serial Problems

It was a mindset instilled in me since I was a kid. Survival was second nature. I knew what I had to do at the right times, I was alert, I paid attention. I didn't put myself in bad situations.

My job afforded me the knowledge and skills to survive. No one messes with a cop. Unless you invite them in.

It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be safe. I didn't allow my self to be afraid. On the outside. Evil was too close for comfort.

Serial Killer Monday!

Got milk? Got Serial?

Monday. Shock and Awe.

A cop's personal life hidden from the badge. What you never know.

Serial Killer Monday. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Replacements

Now that I am in the real world working again as a civilian, I am seeing life through different eyes. When I was a cop, we often heard from our administration that we were replaceable and we had better do it the way they said. Did I get offended? Sometimes. Other times, I just let it ride off my back and didn't buy into the strong thumb of the brass throwing their weight around. In paramilitary establishments you are going to have that. That is how they know how to communicate and they can. It was accepted. At times it was what was needed.

If a police department truly gives the blessing from the top down that the troops are replaceable, what good are they instilling in their organization. Is every cop just a number? Can they be replaced as easily as they chant in your ear? In the literal sense, yes. But is it really practical and is it really true?

A police officer can be replaced. It takes money and time, but it can be done. Is it what is best for the community?

The men and women in blue, brown, green, red, or whatever color their agency dresses them in are not just replaceable simple as that. Organizations should shy away from this type of scare tactic when a team questions things or asks about policy implementation. They certainly don't like cops to be free thinkers. The cops also should not rebel against their commanders unless they are marching them into some mission that is unethical or illegal.

I was not replaceable. I don't care what I was told all those years. My cohorts are not replaceable either. They are people, trained very well, devoting their time and lives for the greater good. You can't replace them. You can exchange them. However, when trading around your candy, beware that some still put razor blades in there. You might get a sour one. You might get a broken piece.

My advice to the brass is change your attitude. It sucks. Wouldn't you rather motivate your troops to climb to higher expectations and growth? Happy faces produce better work and work harder for the community they were sworn to protect. Most I met did not take the task lightly.

If police departments were private entities, they would be broke. And all the workers would be on strike. They are just lucky that cops love being cops and the work overrides the negative moral busting leadership they sometime encounter. All brass is not like this, but all of them have said those things a time or two. Maybe in passing. Maybe as an order out of anger. Maybe as a joke. If you say it enough times, it becomes something you believe. Behavioral science 101.

It can start at the bottom. Love your work. Tell your coworkers to have a safe night. Be a good partner to those you work beside.  Don't be a lazy slug. Bring a dinner or breakfast dish to work once in awhile. Those that play well together, work well together. Make yourselves congruent even if you get outside jabs to your force fields. The public gives you enough hell, you don't need it from inside.

Be proud to wear the badge. It is an honor most will never know. Don't abuse it. You are not replaceable.

Fargo's Back In Da House

I am back. Recharged and a few pounds lighter. Slow process. Short Fargocation. I don't know if I will ever get back into my fighting weight for this mud race, but I am trying very hard. I am feeling good and 29 again. Or at least in my head.

Bug's room is under destruction. Even worse then when she left it in that state. I hope she likes it when she comes home. Moose is still neurotic and naughty. Otis is still old, slow, and a snausage. My neighbor, you may know as Sheriff Mike, has been touring me around Indiana. I think he feels sorry for me.

Things are going to change around this place. It's going to get exciting. On Mondays, a new story line is going to appear once a week. It is not for the faint of hearts. It is not vulgar. It does not talk about heinous crimes against children. It may shock most of you. Sometimes it's just good to be real. Real scary.

If you can't hack it, I won't be offended if you don't stick around on this Monday of Madness. The other stuff will still be here. Mondays are a different type of cop work. From the inside.

I also need Daddy Hawk, Vandy J, and Angela Varner to email me their addresses for their prizes. If you do not want the CDs that accompany your prizes, you can opt out and I will pick another winner. You will still get The Rookies in paperback. Am I missing anyone? Please email me if I was a doofus.

On a joyous note, I was very flattered to be amongst some of the greats on Parental Society. Follow Elizabeth Fallwell and her posts. She writes some very interesting articles. I was impressed by many of the topics and read back several things on the site. Many of you may enjoy it and it is very informative.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Gideon's Army Debut

Rights are important to all of us. Hopefully, we won't have to exercise our right to counsel.  Somehow, it will roll into our lives in some fashion or another. It was a piece of the Miranda advisement I have spewed many times. Informing suspects of their rights before I asked them questions was automatic for me. I didn't abuse it. I didn't leave it out. I didn't deceive those that I dealt with, even the most sinister. I have to agree with the marketing of this program, "Everyone Deserves The Best Defense." Always.

Some things on television are worth the watch. From the greats of HBO comes Gideon's Army on July 1, 2013...

"In 1961, Clarence Earl Gideon was arrested for stealing soda and a few dollars from a pool hall. Unable to afford an attorney, he was convicted after representing himself at trial. Gideon appealed his conviction to the Supreme Court, which ruled unanimously that the right to counsel in a criminal case is fundamental to the American system of justice. Fifty years after the landmark Gideon v. Wainwright case, most of them will be represented by one of the United States’ 15,000 public defenders.





Directed by attorney Dawn Porter and winner of the 2013 Sundance Film Festival Editing Award for U.S. Documentary Competition, GIDEON’S ARMY follows a group of idealistic young public defenders in the Deep South, where lawyers face particularly difficult challenges due to high bonds, minimum mandatory sentencing and a culture that is traditionally “tough on crime.” The thought-provoking film debuts MONDAY, JULY 1 (9:00-10:45 p.m. ET/PT), exclusively on HBO."

 
Join me... and my friends at HBO... for the premiere of this story about justice. It's part of our country. It belongs to all of us.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Fargocation

I am going to be absent for a couple days unless some great story comes up. I am taking my two days off to run, do some CrossFit, clean Bug's room, get my garden weeded,  and find myself... as therapists and inspirational Asian nail ladies tell us. I might find myself or Jimmy Hoffa in my daughter's bedroom.

It has been very hard to have Bug absent for so long and I had better find some project to do every summer or I am in trouble. There is the painting of my house, but I find that I can only scrape it with a wire brush for so long, so I think that will be a long project of boredom.

After Bug graduates from high school maybe I will join the Peace Corps if it is still operational. Ha!

Anyway, don't think I have disappeared. I am still here. You can catch me on Facebook at The Boogie Man Is My Friend or send me an email if you miss me terribly. I gather most of you will not read this until I am back on the blog or even notice I snuck away for a bit.

No. I am not writing another book. I am done with that.

Have a great few days! Thanks for the support!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

The Face: Where's Fargo?

Nostalgia...
UPDATE: JUNE 24, 2023 ANSWERS Since there were several that got one right, you readers get to vote for the winner! Put your choice in the comment section! I will stop the contest in one week!

Deleting my old wedding photos and getting rid of evidence of my last marriage has been cleansing. Gotta love the digital age. Whilst I was doing this, I found these. Can you guess what I was doing at the time? There may be a prize for the winner with the most accurate answers!

It's the  new game show, called The Face. Yep. My face gives me away every time!

Hint: I was concerned here. The look on my face...
I was being taken out to the bars by the girls. They thought I needed to get wild and crazy. I hate bars. In fact, I avoid them at all costs.  I think they are unclassy, full of drunk idiots, and a meat market. I also don't like my reputation tarnished by being seen there often. Bug thought I looked "pritty, Momma" and I was snarly. I took her to the babysitter and off I went. I did not have fun. I have never been to a bar again for the sake of entertainment, only in uniform for work purposes.

Hint: What kind of crime scene was I on here?
Quasi-solo with The Squirrel. It was a hanging scene where the victim had been there for many days unnoticed and it did not smell good. I was on the front landing and could still smell it. Uck.

Hint: Before work. Almost ready. Who is the kiss for?
It was originally to be posted on here to my blog fans. Bug took it and she decided it was for her. In my infinite wisdom and having a dumb blonde moment, I sent it to a man I was dating at the time who turned out to be a dud. Waste of my time. Wasted kiss. Another bad choice.
 
Hint: Where am I going? I have a dress on. I am driving. I only wear dresses for special occasions. What occasion? I was on the way to my friend's wedding. When I got there, no one recognized me because I was wearing a dress. I was a stranger amongst all my rancher friends.
 
 
Hint: Quasi-solo. FTO Program. What g-ride am I in? The Barbie Tahoe.
 
 
 
OK. There are those. Fire away! Or not.
 
 


Friday, June 21, 2013

Police Jargon

Many people have sent me messages or called me about my "police talk" and that I did not explain terms in either book well enough for the readers to understand. So...this is a quiz.

Can you define the terms below? And...what terms do you need me to define for you? Answer and question. Why? Because I'm different like that.

1. Slickback
2. Window licker
3. Rolling dirty
4. Residential slide
6. Doored up
7. Backup queen
8. House of Popo
9. Perp
10. Christmas tree lights

Ok. Those were the most common problems. Fire away!

__________________________________
Update! Daddy Hawk wins a book. He was the only one that mentioned there was no 5.


1. Slickback...police car with no lights on top, black tinted windows
2. Window licker...well, everyone knows what that is. Police are not so harsh as to put them in the handicap section. We like to put our criminal losers in that category.
3. Rolling dirty...blacked out, rap music, driving in the ghetto, guns in tow
4. Residential slide...cops blacked out, driving under 15, trying to catch the burglars.
6. Doored up...cops parking about 4 inches apart, driver to driver in order to chat
7. Backup queen...duh. The person that never writes the report, gets there late
8. House of Popo...The Hall of Justice...police station
9. Perp...short for perpetrator
10. Christmas tree lights...not the pretty ones on a tree around December 25...police lights in the "on" position.

______________________________________________________________
Daddy Hawk and Vandy J, if you would like to email me your address at mommafargo@gmail.com, I will mail your prizes out to you!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Who Gives?

One week.

Book and CD giveaway.

Vandy J already won one set of CDs. Why? Because she entered the contest.

Contest on Bam! Shazam! post. Find it. It was one week ago.

Enter if you wish.

I'm unpredictable.

And fun!


In Search of some Wheels

Wheels' fan club is growing. Aunt Superwoman has joined The Queen in the search for Wheels. Check it out.

In Search of The Rookie Named Wheels...it's a blog. Follow along if you want. Prizes might be sent to The Queen for participants. Actually, I know she will have prizes. LOL. Link up!

Rolling Dirty

I have an extra set of my patrol CDs. You get three. If you enter the contest a few posts back, the three CDs are as follows:

Rolling Dirty...Sarg and I's favorite.
Residential Slides...Fargo's slow music while blacked out or in need of decompression.
Transport Tunes...yep...torturing the prisoners. Not really. Most of them liked it.

So...enter. If you wish. Book and CD set goes to the winner. If the winner opts out of the CD set, we will have two to give away. And don't get excited, these are not professionally produced. They are MINE. The ones I rolled dirty with. I had uploaded my stuff to iTunes, so you get the actual memorabilia. It could be worth millions someday. LMAO.

The First Review

The Queen has spoken...and I must add, a very nice compliment...

 
I might also like to reach out to those that bought the first 8 paperbacks. Please message me at mommafargo@gmail.com. Thanks!
 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Ego Booster

For some reason the night temps dropped to a perfect medi-awesome about 9:00PM. I worked out in the yard briefly before getting some last minute things done. At midnight-ish, I went for a nice jog in the country and was dive bombed by fire flies. Let me tell you, it was my first real experience (not pretend stuff in cophood) with war. I don't know how many times I did the duck and roll, thankful for my life. It must have been Eminem. I kept up with the beat to Superman, Lose It, and Business. Oh, how I've missed my Eminem and other rap. I have been listening to it when I work out so it keeps me jazzed. Makes me miss rolling dirty in the streets, just a little.

As luck would have it, I have already attracted the only single men in town. One creeps my store often and I smile and shoo fly shoo. One cries and tells me his problems. I don't have Kleenex at the store. I don't believe in it.

The others are nice, but I am by no means interested in ANY. I think the thought of a man right now makes me run into a corner and pee my pants. This is unusual behavior for even me. I must need therapy. I do enjoy fishing and shooting and all that jazz that men like that women usually don't care for, except farm fresh girls like me. I really miss the camaraderie of my male coworkers without all the sexual overtones. I hate sexual overtones. I just like to be nice and friends, no touchy touchy. And so I find myself kind of lonesome. The woman are great, but are in their 70s and my young friends are busy with summer projects or married with family events.

Crazy town. It's fun, though. I do enjoy the newness of it.  I did drive out the famous good looking Playah without a second glance when he came into my store all smiles and Hollywood. I don't think he liked the fact that I snarled and didn't pay attention. It's funny now how I am so good at picking up on Playahs and con artists. My snarl factor instantly goes up. I don't know what is going on, but I think it is my duty in life to drive them into the ground of rejection.  Lots of practice over the last few years of being the dope that Playahs sucked up by their charms and then crushed has made me tougher and smarter. Thanks for that all you assholes out there. You know who you are.

I just want to sing that song, "Why Can't We Be Friends?"  However, men take all that the wrong way, too, and think no means yes.  Silly boys can't just be friends with a girl. Very frustrating. It's a genetic problem.

So I was in an accident the other day. It was my fault. Coming from the divorce attorney's office, I ran over the top of a young man's ghetto ride. It was actually nice for one of those. He didn't have insurance or a driver's license and I was surrounded by homeless men. A Vietnam Vet rescued me from the homeless beat down I was about to receive as they shouted at me for running over the dude. It was a 10 mile an hour crash, but with the Gold Beast, his Chevy was a Yugo. No one was hurt, thank God. The police officer that showed up was very kind and asked me what happened. I told him it was my fault. The crash investigation took about an hour or longer. He was very kind. It came into the conversation that I was a former cop and we chatted longer than most would over a simple accident report. It was nice to ham it up with a fellow officer. He caught me by surprise when he asked me...

COP: Where were you coming from down here in this neighborhood? Lost?

ME: No. I came out of my divorce attorney's office and I was upset. I should have pulled over and got my head on straight.

He asked me who my attorney was and I told him. I asked him if the man was a good one. He said he would do a good job and if I didn't like him, he would recommend one and to just call the station and ask for him. As we were departing, he turned to me and said,

COP: You know he is the stupidest man in the world, right?

ME: What?

COP: Your husband. You are so beautiful. I mean it. When I saw you I noticed you. He is an idiot. Just remember that when you are ready there will be many men lined up waiting for you. And I mean a lot. Be picky. Take your time and find yourself first. You have to find yourself. This happens to a lot of us in the job. It's a hazard of the job. I was divorced once, too. It will take months, maybe over a year or more, but you will be OK. You will be loved by the right man. You are very beautiful. Inside and out. I can tell in our short time together here.  Remember that and believe it. If I wasn't married, I would be the first in line.

I was not expecting that kind of conversation. It was flattering and I probably needed to hear something nice after the beat down I had had over the last two years. From 2011 to now, I really lost myself and any good thoughts about who I am. Although, I had already started to work on finding myself...not the one in the mirror...but my OTHER self, that was a boost. Then I felt schooled by my own cop crap. Funny I thought that and he turned and said at the end...

COP: And I'm not just telling this to you to get down your pants or giving you the cop thing. I mean it.

ME: [giggle] Good thing. I threw my pants away so no man could NOT go there again. Don't you need to write me a ticket?

COP: For what?

ME: [smiling] Thanks. I appreciate that.

COP: Go find yourself and let all that he ever told you or however he treated you disappear. And don't let any man do that again.

ME: Gotcha.

Aunt Sue...were you in Muncie disguised as a cop?

I will say this about Midwest men. They are gentlemen. They treat a woman well when they are sincere or they want to get down your pants.

Anyone find Fargo? Let me know where she's at.



Tuesday, June 18, 2013

That's For The Dogs

Bug is spending the summer with her father, which means I am lost and lonely and stuck with these two dingdong mutts all by myself. I heard Bug talking to herself in her bedroom as she packed her last flip flop for Wyoming. At least, I thought...

BUG: Moose. Moose. Look at me.

MOOSE: [Squirrel!]

BUG: [grabbing Moose's face] Moose, look at me. Pay attention.

MOOSE: Chubba chubba. Why are you pinching my cheeks?

BUG: Now. You be good while I'm gone. I will..

MOOSE: [Squirrel!]

BUG: Moose! Stop looking out the window. Now look at me.

MOOSE: Ok. Ok.

BUG: I love you very much. You will miss me, but I will be back.

MOOSE: You are hurting my cheeks.

BUG: You be a good dog and don't get into trouble.

MOOSE: [Squirrel!]

BUG: I'm serious! Aw. I am going to miss you so much. You be a good boy.

MOOSE: Ok.Ok. I will eat your sandals while you are gone.

BUG: And you better not eat Mommy's shoes.

Gives A Hoot

For anyone out there that gives a hoot after our disaster launching of the second book that somewhat resembled a bad NASA experiment and went over about as enthusiastic as a new police policy...

The Boogie Man Is My Friend: The Rookies




 ..........is now available in Kindle and paperback. I have to say I am upside down in the Kindle version and I have no idea why. I don't remember doing that. Ugh. Maybe I was trying a keg stand in there.

Anyway...you have to type in the exact words up there and maybe even type in paperback or Kindle for the next 5 days until they fix things. So sorry. It's like working for the federal government. Bang head now. Thanks for the support! The Queen is running the Wheels Fan Club and is off her rocker, but having a hoot! I keep giving her assistance, but she ignores me.

The book has newly released stories about myself and takes you through the times behind The Shield with Wheels. It's not the blog. You might recognize some things, but it's new.

Thanks to Bill and Juanita Martin, Pax my editor, GunDiva, The Queen, Angel, Coffeypot, Judy Snow, and my friends for all the promotions and hoopla on this book and my shop! I love you all!

Oh...and Amazon has it on sale already...almost a dollar off! I know! Shut it! Go buy a tootsie pop and think of me!

Wheels UP! Enjoy! Happy Reading!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Emergency Message

*Pause Effect*

We have technical difficulties. It appears that the computer gurus got confused with the two titles of my book. If you notice the reviews are split and all crazy. In fact, the day the Kindle version of The Rookies went up, they already had 4 reviews. However, they were reviews about the first Boogie Man. Beat me.

How many times have I tried to get this fixed? Let me count the ways.

Too many.

How many times have I been on the phone?

Too many.

Most of the time they connect me with a nice techie who tells me there is nothing wrong. They have nothing wrong. IT's me.

I am about to unleash the FMITA verbage on Amazon. However, I am thinking it will not be in good taste nor be classy. So it is all in my head. Over and over. I am just not saying it out loud to the techies. Why?

They don't understand street lingo. I have to talk in binary code. Yes, it's true, I am learning a new language. So...Amazon techies...this is what I think of you not getting your poop in a group...

00101000011111111000001110101010101010!

If this isn't fixed by Monday, I am bringing out the Phil Robertson Conspiracy theory. Why? Because he is still mostly number 1 in every category. He's slipping a little. He paid Amazon to sabotage me so no one can find the book, the reviews are not with the book, and they have things upside down which are upside right in my digital copy. Yeah.

111100001010101010101000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000!

Ok. I feel better now.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Masshole Alert!

The wonderful Masshole Mommy did a review of my book. Now if you don't know her, she is a snarky soul from the East. Sometimes I call her East Side. That's her gangsta name. She was kind enough to say nice things about the first Boogie Man. You can read about it here. In the meantime, snoop around a little, follow her. Love her. She is awesome!

Thank you, MM! Keep rolling dirty up there!

Friday, June 14, 2013

Bam! Shazam!

Book Two. The Rookies. Available tonight on Amazon.com. It's different. It's about a superhero in the making. With a twist.  Or something.


Featuring book cover by Bill Martin of Allenspark, Colorado. The Great Editor, Pax. Bow, curtsy, cheers, confetti, trumpets!

 Look for Juanita and Bill...and Shawntel...and Jay...my friends. And especially look out for Wheels. A lot of the untold is inside. It's real. It's a Marine story. With a twist of Fargo. Get it. Or not. You decide. Duh. But if you do decide to get it, I am eternally grateful for the support and I hope it inspires you. It's more than just about cops. It's about all of us.

And you would guess it! I had a crazed blogger fan go off the deep end and she has been on a mission to help promote this book. Not only promote it...but now she is in search of Wheels...check this out...The President of the Wheels Fan Club...



I can't stop her. She is on a mission to find American greatness, the good we all seek, and that rookie everyone will come to love known as WHEELS!

I talked to Sarg yesterday. He loved the first book. His wife cried. He has his walking papers all ready for the federal job that he should be sought for...and most of all...I sent him my gangster rap CD that he and I would listen to and roll dirty down the ghetto. You can't get it on iTunes or anywhere else. Why? Because it's from a gang in Detroit, Michigan,  that were all shot in gang wars. And it's my favorites...I added my mix to the mix.

 So...in two weeks...I will be doing a giveaway! A free Rookies book and a CD. If you opt out of the CD, we will give it to runner up. Let me tell you...it features the Notorious B.I.G. and you can think of me. Just don't share it with your kids. It's adult music. Patrol music. Enter here. All you have to do is tell me the story of your Aha! Moment in the comments of this post. Now get to it! And good luck!

Oh and on a side note...the book is a dollar more (inflation) but you get 110 extra pages. It's long.  Happy reading!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Farm Fresh

BUG: Mom, we are getting fat since we moved here. Look at me.

ME: You are not. You are a kid. Fat. ME. Yes. Uh. That's what happens when you are poor.

BUG: Why?

ME: Carbs are cheap.

BUG: What are carbs?

ME: Energy food like bread, pasta, processed food, stuff filled with gluten, other stuff. You know the stuff that tastes good.

BUG: Oh. Like ice cream?

ME:  Well, yes, but ice cream isn't cheap. It's an American Conspiracy. The fat thing.

BUG: Uh. Mom. Kid. Here.

ME: Oh. Yeah. Well, they lower the prices on fat food in stores because gluten free is in and healthy shit. Then they also put lots of carb food in the food banks. It's America's way of destroying itself. Everyone is blaming it on Obama and Congress, but it's really the FDA's fault. The FDA is slowly killing America by making us fat and defenseless. And not that we don't need carbs. We need them. Just not every single dish. And not in high doses. Unless you are a Navy Seal.  Oy. I think they should lower healthy food beneath fat food prices and force the processed food and high carb companies to get healthy because no one will buy their expensive food. But then no one would be rich. The world would all be poor. Or maybe we should go back to fresh markets and buy things daily or weekly. Then it's fresh. And since organic and farm fresh isn't made or maintained with chemicals and icky seeds, why does it cost more? I want to put a sign on me at the corner that I AM ORGANIC. But then I would be lying because I eat some of that other food. Maybe I should just start grazing on the lawn.

BUG: Uh. Mom.

ME:  Oh, yeah, I haven't started my hooker business yet. Sound like a crazy person, don't I?

BUG: Yes.

ME:  Well, it made sense in my mind. Anyway, that's why we are running and doing CrossFit all the time. Because I am fighting the government conspiracy. And I prefer Farm Fresh.

BUG: What?

ME: I don't like the word fat unless you talk about Otis. We are Farm Fresh.

BUG: Mom, you don't even make sense.

ME: This I know.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Book Winners! Attention!

It has come to my attention that the Pony Express may have lost some horses. They must have gotten sent to one of the glue factories still in existence or the train robbers stole them.

So..

Please let me know by email or comment if you did not get your book from the book contest because I sent them many moons ago.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Butt Seriously?

Dogs are like old men. I swear. Otis won't go up the stairs. He gets to the first landing and stops.

5:09 a.m.

Moose: nudge arm, nudge arm

ME: swat away

Moose: nudge arm, nudge arm

ME: roll over

Moose: nudge butt, nudge butt   stare down

ME: FINE!

So, I get out of bed at the butt crack of dawn. As I walk down the stairs, or zombie waddle, Moose goes Mach 7 between my legs and meets Otis at the landing. Otis is wagging his tail. Beat me.

I take them to the back yard to do their business.

Otis: Pee Pee Pee Pee...dribble dribble stop

Moose: Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee. Stop. Circle circle circle circle circle circle circle circle and poop.

I climbed up the stairs and plopped back in bed.

5:49 a.m.

Moose: nudge arm, nudge arm

ME: Roll over, ignore

Moose: nudge butt, nudge butt stare down

ME: Seriously? You just went.

So, I get out of bed AGAIN and zombie waddle downstairs, Moose runs Mach 7 downstairs to meet Otis at the landing.

ME: You suck.

Otis: wag, wag, I love you, wag, wag.

I take them to the back yard to do their business.

Otis: Pee Pee Pee...dribble dribble stop

Moose: Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee Pee. Stop.

I climbed back up the stairs to try to get my shut eye until my alarm was to go off at 6:30 a.m.

6:11 a.m.

Moose: nudge butt, nudge butt, nudge butt, nudge butt, nudge butt, whine whine whine stare down

ME: I really want to beat you. Go away.

Otis: whine whine, prance on stairs, prance on stairs, owwww roof roof prance on stairs

ME: Beat me.

So, I get out of bed AGAIN AGAIN and zombie waddle downstairs. Moose ran Mach 7 downstairs, pushed me against the railing and met Otis at the landing where Otis was wagging and prancing.

I took them outside to do their business.

Otis: Pee Pee...dribble. Stop.

ME: You better do more than that, Little Mister.

Otis: Poop...waddle...poop...waddle. Stop.

Moose: squirrel stare down

ME: Moose, do something.

Moose: squirrel stare down. Not moving. Pees on his own leg. squirrel stare down

ME: Are you kidding me? Now I have to wipe and clean you? )(*^#&*$(@*&@#

Yep. Seniors. I should be working in a nursing home. At least I'd get paid for this.


Saturday, June 8, 2013

Nothing To Do With Perfume

I collect perfume. And shoes. Except not lately. But now what I do have is organized. The floozy perfume that I thought was great last year...trash. I love me some Ed Hardy. Have several of his flavors. Keeping those.

How long does it last? I have no idea. Some of them last many moons, some really do turn into toilet water with a little time. Until the shit stinks, I am wearing it.

I have been going through things. I call it "after spring cleaning". It's really "cleaning whenever I feel like it."

I have also been running to get fit for a race. A race I am afraid of because there is mud. Not really. Really mud. Not really afraid.

And working. A lot. Making money...not so much. It will show up, because the trees have blossomed and soon thereafter comes the fruit. What? Money doesn't grow on trees? Now you tell me. Drat.

The one thing that happened...I got older. Things fall apart...or off. Not in any particular order. I'm paying attention to what I eat and reading a lot about healthy choices and food. I believe we should not deprive ourselves, but also eat in moderation. Sometimes my idea of moderation is supersized and that just brings butt fat. Not a good idea. So grab some will power and join along with me.

I'm going to share some poor man's choices on healthy living. When I say poor...I mean almost homeless. Upper poor can afford equipment. I call it Fargo Fitness. You need to eat like a fighter and train like one. Get off the couch. I did. It was difficult and I didn't do it during Longmire, but just do it.

1) You don' t need a gym. You don' t need weights. Use your body weight to get fit. Use your school track. Use your neighborhood streets. Run stairs. Take a sledge hammer to a tire in your yard. If you don't have a sledge hammer, pick up something heavy. Move a stack of hay for a farmer. Punch a sand bag. Carry a sand bag. Put rocks in a backpack and run with it. Do lunges. Pushups. Sprints. Long runs. Long brisk walks. Squats. Burpees. The list goes on.

2) Stay away from process foods. Hormone injected anything, especially teenagers. They give them shots. I swear.

3) Substitute HONEY for sugar and then half of it. Not the human form.  And not the hooker variety. Because Honey and Sugar are hooker names. The sticky stuff. Ok. Anyway the stuff bees leave behind. Not from their behind. But...you know. But don't put that stuff in your coffee or tea. Drink it like a cowboy and stop being a sissy la-la.

4) Need a peanut butter sandwich? NOOOOO. Bad chemicals. Wheat problems. Substitute celery for the bread and slather on some peanut butter to those little crunchy sticks. You did it for your kids when they were little. Don't be a weenie. Don't eat weenies either. They are over processed and handled wrong. Shut it.

5) Free range eggs. Do you know how many farmers in my area that give away free eggs? Like a gazillion. Except the Amish store.  And the local meat market. They have really good eggs because they charge a lot. Befriend a farmer's wife that doesn't sell her eggs. Especially at one of those banks.

6) Love steak? Eat 4 oz. instead of 8 oz. and put a little organic coconut oil in the pan. Just do it. Then put some seasoning on it...like a rub...Lawry's ...or whatever. Then when it is medium rare-duh no other way-cut it up and eat with raw hot ground horseradish. Num num. (Also when you buy a bigger steak and cut it into three 4 oz. pieces. It's cheaper.)

7) Drink a lot of water because it's good for you and invest in a filter or buy bottled water. I just got my water test back and it swears it won't kill me, but the city likes lead and iron. And says it's nothing to worry about. That's what Obama said about the IRS scandal. Kidding. Well, I don't know. He might have said that. Isn't he in hot water over that one? Anywaves, this is THE one thing you should be careful about putting in your body. I can buy 5 gallon jugs for $3.00. Or I can buy a filter jug for $49.99 and use the tap water. I'll let you know which one is best after I find out which type kills me. I've had the filtered jug thingy for about 8 months.

8) Go without sweets for 2 weeks. Then you won't need them. Forever. If you need something sweet, then don't go crazy and eat one bite of something. I just have to stay away.

9) NO energy? Try this. Spinach greens. Splash of iceberg lettuce. Romaine lettuce. Feta cheese or blue cheese crumble in moderation. ( Don't get crazy, Fatty) Craisins. Chopped walnuts or pecans or almond slices. Carrots, diced. Peppers-all colors. Mushrooms. Onions. Red raspberry vinaigrette. If you can't find a healthy vinaigrette. Make your own. Google it. Who do I look like, Martha Stewart?

10) Do some activity. Hobby. Family or no family. Kids or no kids. Animals or no animals. And this is clean stuff here.

11)Read. Even you visual people. It's good for the mind.

12)Love yourself. No one else is going to do it.

13)Water your plants. We need oxygen.

14)Throw away your vitamins. They are junk. Use natural food. Use natural herbs. herb capsules, or herbal extracts. Read your vitamins. You would be scared what they are putting in there. And calcium is not calcium. You need the good stuff. This is something to save for and if you don't have the money, buy nothing. Because nothing is better than cheap and bad. Go pick some herbs from a friend's garden. Am I super smart. No! This has been reaffirmed to me by my great doctor and another nutritional expert. Word. When I sat down with them on different days...I was scared because of what I DIDN'T know out there on the market of vitamins. Cheap is bad.

15) I will never turn into a vegetarian. I will never stop eating real butter. Why? Because we were made that way. I'm just going to be smart about it. You can overdo everything. And the butter thing? I told you silly willies back in the stone age when that fake stuff came out that it was bad, tasted like shit, and look at you now. You have chemicals and nasty stuff clogged in your colon. How do you like that? You can't even poop right nowadays.

My grandpa is almost 100. He eats meat. He eats butter. He likes guns. He is a Republican. His skin is not gray. My grandpa rocks.

Do you have to do what I do or someone else does? Absolutely not. Just suggestions. Do what works for you. My main views about fitness and eating right are motivated by living healthy and not necessarily looking like a fitness model. But wouldn't that be nice? I don't have to live long, but for ever long I am here, I want it to be quality.

Tell me your fitness secrets? What kind of perfume do you like?

Friday, June 7, 2013

Help Kelly Fight Cancer Schmancer In the Ancer

Kelly is in the fight for her life and writes on her blog Mommy Kicking Cancer's Ass. While she is battling cancer, she is constantly giving of herself to others. She is campaigning for research, raising money for other cancer victims, and giving her time to make a difference. Now it's her turn. Help out Kelly. Like her fan page. Read her blog. Follow her journey.

And if you can do more by donating to her cause...then do it! I know if it were me, she would be fighting in my war...and I am a perfect stranger to her.

Define Me

My friend, GunDiva, sent me a link to a blog with some cop language on it and I started rolling with laughter. I will give you the link...The Graveyard Shift...and you can read the post, "The Language of Police: Cop Slang." I really did chuckle. Bravo, Lee Lofland. Cops get cops.

I also chuckled because parts of the United States have different cop slang. I messaged back to her that I thought a lot of the cop slang in the post was from the 60s. She challenged me to throw in some Fargo Verbage. I'm not so sure my slang is keyed into the rest of the world. So here goes...

Waterboarding...duh, everyone in America knows what this is now. It's when you take a piece of plywood, get on the North Platte River, and ride the waves over the city of Casper wave park. The CIA totally stole that from me.

Rubber Hose Treatment...it's during a drought and you have to hook up all the hoses to all the outside spigots and turn on the sprinklers. The lawn loves it. In the Investigations unit...in the 60's it's similar to the phone book treatment.

Window Licker...a waste of a human being with not much intelligence,  annoys the cops, an air thief...and for awareness sakes...that might be seen in the passenger seat licking windows for entertainment or out of habit. They are never the driver.

Bam!...not from Emeril. It's when a cop arrests a rotten criminal after a pursuit, slaps the cuffs on after a tackle, jumps up, throws the gang sign, yells, and proudly cheers their work. It's a lot like calf roping with hand signals. I think they might have used this in 21 Jump Street. Or at least a similar version.

Rolling Dirty...driving around in the ghetto, acting calm, cool, with shades on, in a patrol car listening to street rap, some Eminem, and my favorite song, "FTRFU".

Fargo Flick...literal sense-when you make the cop so made, you get a forehead flick to reset. In Fargo sense...it's when I get the jump on you, twist your words to defeat you, make you look stupid.

Fuck Me In The Ass. (FMITA)..not ever to be taken in the literal sense. It's a really bad moment of refection.

Chimo...MO...child sex offender.

Lunch money kid...a kid that just doesn't get it and probably had his lunch money stolen in school and never defended himself. Cops must defend them because they are dangerous and cannot defend themselves.

Prostitot...a teenager dressed like a woman of the night and showing all her naughties.

The Joint...not of the marijuana sense or weed variety...state penitentiary.

The Clink...the county jail.

Hoosegow...local jail.

Murdercycle...a motorcycle, likely to end up in the riders' demise. Does not fair well with cars.

Bling bling...Fargo handcuffs.

Bracelets...Fargo handcuffs.

*head dashboard*...Fargo training moments of despair.

*blink blink*....REALLY?

Christmas Tree Lights...lights on top of the police car in the ON position.

g-ride...patrol car of the fast variety. Derived from a "ghetto ride."

ghettohood...neighborhood located in the ghetto.

trailerhood....trailer park neighborhood. Two or more trailers.

banana hammock...not the dreaded clothing craze. Fargo using a banana peel to shine her boots in front of the Captain.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword...an affidavit  of criminal charges will do more justice to a criminal than shooting him/her. Well, in theory.

Tune in another day for the next episode of "Define Me". What phrases do you remember from the Fargo days? Which one was your favorite?














Tuesday, June 4, 2013

May Flowers In June

Books are marvelous. I have been reading anything I can get my hands on.  Thanks to Bill and Juanita...my bookshelf is full of good reads.

However, I am not worldly nor up to date.  I like good, old-fashioned paper in my hands. For example, I tried the free books on Kindle ( I have a tablet with a Kindle app)and got miffed when it only gives you a passage or one chapter. I'm going to tell them to quit teasing people. That's so mean.

On a side note, could you imagine a world without free press? Free speech? Me either.

For the first time in my life I am enjoying the right to free speech. Well, I guess I did have my share of it before cophood, but now I feel I have discovered a new freedom. It's like I just stepped off the Mayflower...or something.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Fargo Time Machine

Today I felt melancholy. I am pretty sure it is a fruit.

Do you ever want to go back in time and start over?

I was thinking I pinpointed a lot of my mistakes to the year 1986.

Do overs.