Well, The boobies were not aligned in my favor.
I received a call from my doctor to get right back into the office the next day. Over the phone at 8:00 PM, I was run through a series of questions that felt like an interrogation. Nurse Ratchet asked me over and over-you sure you haven't felt any pain in your left breast?
My only response to her was that it really, really hurt during the mammogram when my boob got smashed and it was like an orange in a trash compactor, or how we would simulate it. Although, we didn't get any orange juice and now that visual just took a wrong turn down the dirty highway.
Anytatas, I got the paddle. And NO, Coffeypot, it is not what you think. Picture this. Boob on tray, paddle comes....slowly...then BAM! Paddle hits boob and smashes a size C to the depth of a dime. Yeah. Picture that boys. It feels about as nice as hitting your family jewels with a ping pong paddle back and forth like the Chinese champions do at the world tournament. FORCE. Think FORCE.
While I peed down my leg, Nurse Ratchet had no sympathy. Seriously, tears ran down my face.
That showed bad results. New test.
That test showed bad results. 'Nother test.
While I am laying on the table in the dark while an ultrasound is being done during some point in this process, my mind wanders to everything FINAL. It especially hit home when the doctor said, "Is it true, your last mammogram was 8 years ago?" I was appalled at myself. Was it? Had it been? Was I so busy as a cop and business owner that I had not made my appointments? Skipped out?
I had screwed myself. Now everything had probably metastasized. This rang home when the ultrasound went to my rib cage all the way up to my shoulder. FUCK ME IN THE ASS!
I started to rewrite my will. I thought about Bug. I had an hour to lay there and beat myself up in the head. That's a hard thing to reach. According to my parents, it is extremely hard and stubborn in there.
You know when things go downhill real bad when your bottom lip starts to quiver and tears start coming and you try to stop it so you don't look like a fool! Yep. All that happened.
In the end, the doctor told me I was OK. I had benign fibroid-z- (two-plural) in there. Gross. The word sounds like aliens. So, I like to say I have alien abductions in my left boob.
Save your boobs. Save your life. Get checked annually and SHOW UP!
Oh, and yes, I was a little disappointed in not getting new fake boobs that are perky. Nurse Ratchet ruined all hopes for these puppies. They now drag on the floor.