There are some things I have not been discussing with Bug. It has been really bothering her, so when it came up today, I just thought maybe some of it I could tell her. Mostly I keep her out of my personal matters to protect her. Sometimes my daughter is wise beyond her years...
ME: Have you noticed along this race, they have placed only fat old cops to control traffic and probably left the hot fit cops to patrol the city?
BUG: Mom! You should not be so judge-y.
ME: Why not? Cops should not be fat. I know this. It is important to be strong. Besides it would be fun when you are all tired and panting to see some eye candy along the way to lift your energy.
BUG: Great, Mom. I don't think you need any more creepers.
ME: Oh. Strong work. Score one for the slam to the mother.
BUG: [giggle] It's true.
ME: I know.
BUG: I thought "Mr. Fire Chief" was really nice. I really liked him, Mom. I can't believe he was a phony. I mean he was a real fire chief, but he was all fake.
ME: Yep. I didn't even know who he really was or is.
BUG: Do you hate him?
ME: No. I don't hate people. I don't waste that much energy.
BUG: I miss him.
ME: I'm sorry. I can't fix that.
BUG: You should have kept up your suspicions when you had suspicions.
ME: I did. I just didn't think it would be this epic. The first clue...when they make you think you are special...run fast.
BUG: What did he last say to you?
ME: He yelled, "I GUESS I CAN'T TALK TO YOU ANYMORE! I GUESS YOU HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT!" Then "click". Then nothing.
BUG: That's so weird. Why would he not tell you why he did it and at least say goodbye? Why would he not say he was sorry.
ME: Because I was a game. I did not mean anything to him.
BUG: But he told you he loved you all the time and that you were beautiful and sent flowers and bought me nice things. When he was here, he was great to us.
ME: Men say those things because they think you want to hear it and then they can manipulate you. I can't explain why people are cruel like that because I have never understood why or how people can live with themselves afterward. And who really wants to waste so much time and energy on a game? I mean you can get sex anywhere and for a lot less trouble.
BUG: Ew gross, MOM! No, no no no no. I don't want to hear it. I'm not talking sex with you.
ME: Well, I want you to know that. Men are after sex with women. It's a sad truth. We think with our minds and feel with our hearts. Men think and feel penis first. Emotions for them might come later. There are several good men out there who cherish a person and would not do these things to a woman. Not all are like that, but for the most part, men want sex and they can do it without emotion. So can a woman, but after a while, she might become attached.
BUG: I just don't understand how someone doesn't feel. It's sad, really.
ME: I agree. It's sad. But it explains why he blew up when I told him he hurt my feelings at times and would not ever talk about it or say he was sorry, nor change anything, compromise. It was always his way, his terms, his schedule. Especially when I got stood up those times, I knew something was wrong, but I took his work explanation and left it at that because I had no other things to go on. All the stuff that he did nice was fake. The not nice stuff was the real him and the cancellations. Those were real. The only thing I know is he is afraid of public humiliation because he is a pillar in his community to some, so he does not want anyone to know about all his exploits except those close to him that already do.
BUG: But why would someone tell you they love you and want to be with you and move you and me to Texas, take care of us? I don't understand, Mom.
ME: Just words, Bug.
BUG: Do you ever tell someone you love them and don't mean it? Like me?
ME: Of course not. I never say those words if I don't mean them. My dad taught me to never tell anyone I love them if I don't mean it. He explained how hurting someone's heart was the worst thing you could do to a person. He also told me about men only wanting sex, but I guess I thought I was special. I don't toy with people's emotions. I don't want you to ever do that either. Always be true, even if you have to tell someone you like them only as a friend and not anything else. I am too old for that crap anyway. I never did play that way. I was always straight up.
BUG: Why is "Mr. Fire Chief" like this? Isn't he old?
ME: There are just some people that are like that. All of their life. He is almost 54.
BUG: Fire chiefs are supposed to be good people. He is old enough to know better.
ME: Ha. Learn that from grandma?
BUG: [giggle] Has anyone ever told you they love you and you didn't feel the same?
BUG: What do you say when that happens? Isn't that sad? I think that is sad when one person doesn't feel love for the one that does.
ME: It's a complicated situation to be in, so I guess it would just depend. One time I stopped seeing someone because I didn't want to hurt him.
BUG: Mom. I hope I never have this happen. Um. I don't mean that to be mean. Sorry.
ME: I know. I'm sorry I am such a bad example to you. You deserve true love like Grandma and Grandpa Yost.
BUG: I don't understand why you don't cry. I would cry. Are you OK, Mom? You can cry. It's OK. I can handle it.
ME: Yep. It's God's gift to me...the not crying thing. I should not cry over a person who felt I was insignificant and to be so evil to me and the other women, the kids. Maybe I am just numb. Your mother is probably broken.
BUG: What are you going to do?
ME: Move on. I think first I should put a sign on my forehead that says, "WELL PLAYED, CHIEF". [slams forehead]
BUG: Mom, you should have had a V8.
ME: [giggle] No shit.