I am a big girl.
I'm not talking about my size, but my mind.
Here is your Fargo tip of the day=The only people who tell the truth are small children, very drunk people, and people who are pissed off in the moment.
People all around me seem to forget that I am an adult. I make my own decisions. I have several crazy moments in my life. Well, more so than others, I believe. I fuck up. I fall down. I get back up. I do have triumphs.
Sure, I am not superwoman, although I am a pretty tough broad. I am permeable and maybe I have chosen wrong at times. This is in regards to any choice in life, about life, about any decision one has to make. Do we go left or do we go left? Do we turnaround?
But maybe those paths are put in front of me for reasons I learn later. And maybe I am just a terrible chooser. Maybe I can't read fucking signs. Maybe I ignore them because rules are meant to be broken, says the rebel side of me.
With news of my "fake relationship epic explosion"-let's just call it MAN-PLOSION, out of the woodwork comes those who feel the need to help. Hot off the presses, the news hitting those close to me whom I had confided in, comes the flood of very meaningful and on their terms, "thoughtful" advice.
This even resonates from family.
However, if they would take a step back and reread their messages, they really are hurtful and don't help. In fact, some of them make me downright bitter and angry. Yet, I forgive them for their nice intentions.
Sometimes it makes me rethink what I say to others in a time of sorrow or crisis.
There are those who just support our friendship or just call to give me virtual hugs.
There are those who condemn me, spew awful words of advice, and damnation.
Now, all this taken into consideration, these are good people. They have good intentions, like I said. How do I know that? I know. I will share some of the "thoughtful" words I have received from several friends and family members...
"You just need to concentrate on yourself and be a good mom to Bug."
"Now is the time for you just to be a mother."
"You just need to stop talking to men."
"Will you promise me that if you ever get interested in a guy ever again, you will contact me right away? "
"My husband said if you even ever think of dating again..."
"Do you even check these people out before you get involved?"
"Next time you even look at a man, run it by me."
"Oh, gawd, do you ever have any sense?"
"You need to stop looking for a man." Funny thing is, I don't go looking for a man. The past relationships have all been opportunities.
"Don't push God."
"You don't need to go out and look for a man. You need to stay home." Like I am a slut on 4th and Main with my leg hanging out.
"For a cop, you sure are stupid. Don't you even get to know these people better?"
Maybe so. Maybe I should close my heart.
Did it ever occur to anyone this relationship occurred over a year, over time, very slowly? From a distance as well, which makes it even more slow. But it makes it easier to deceive.
I cannot even count how many times I have received messages, jokes, inspirational quotes, phone calls, cards, etc., from friends and family who make me feel small and stupid.
Then there are those who you think you would like to talk to about it, but they listen about two seconds and talk about themselves. Or the ones who just give you the wave and tell you to get over it. Well, duh. I like the times you are right in the middle of answering a question about "how are you handling things" and they "have to go."
That's the ticket.
Here is another message another friend thought would help...
In other words, I don't deserve true love. Or I don't get to have it. You didn't get picked to experience true love. And on another note, telling me I am dwelling on it to a point my life stops...so this wall of text suggests. Like I don't have coping skills, for fuck's sake.
Better yet, I like the countless ones who tell me I really didn't love him, or you were just rebounding. Well, newsflash...I really did love him. I was not rebounding. I could give a two shits about the serial killer. I was over him at least a year prior to filing for divorce. The first husband? That was 5 years ago.
Does everyone think I just sit around and pine, weep, and curl into the fetal position? Really?
Would it surprise anyone that I have not cried this time?
And yet another friend's message...
"Maybe you don't get love. Maybe you don't get a companion. Maybe you were meant to be alone."
Yes, I was meant to be alone. Because I do it so well.
Why don't you just hit me with a stick, bitch? It would hurt a lot less.
There are those whom I laugh with and we joke about my life and those who just are there, saying nothing negative and not judging. Believe me, I make fun of myself. I am damn funny. I can laugh about anything.
There are those who just say they are sorry and give me love, offer an ear. Thank you, take a bow. I curtsy to you.
Over time, I learned I have many wonderful friends. I do. I have the kind of friends whom I put on angel pedestals. I have the most awesome family. In fact, my friends are also a part of my family.
But I also have those who interfere in my life way too much. And some of those include my angel friends. Some of those include my family. Some of my family just scowls about my life, but say nothing. They all mean well. They do. I think they don't realize how harsh they are because they only want the best for me.
That's why I have kept many personal things private. And geez, when I thought it was going to lead to something big, I told a few of them. BIG MISTAKE. They were mad about that too. Why? Because I didn't tell them. Do you think I want to be drilled about my love life? Fuck no. And here we are at a point something didn't work out so well and I get, "I would have told you so. You should have told me. I could have told you that wasn't going to work out."
The blog is me being open and honest, but I still have kept a lot of privacy. It's true I am an open door for the most part. Why? I can talk about anything. I am not afraid.
I'm a train wreck. You can't look away.
Here's a headline for those judgers: You have flat tires in your little race we call life's journey, too. I was always there when it was rough for you or you made some SHITAY choices. Did I judge you? No. Did I condemn you? No.
But Fargo, you do it over and over again in relationships. You can't get it right.
Maybe. I don't know how to address that.
I only revealed my dating relationship to others when I thought it was going to lead to bigger things. I never talked about my second marriage much until I blogged about it. Really. There are several back home who still think I am having a colorful NFL life.
Funny how no one really cares on a daily basis, but when it comes to an abrupt and tragic end, everyone has their nose in your business.
I can grieve alone. I don't need puns. I don't need jabs. I don't need judgments. You can think them. Keep them to yourself.
Do I need friends and family? Yes. Do I need you? Yes.
Be nice or be quiet.
Don't ask me questions, I will tell you no lies.
That's what it has come to over time. Exclusion.
Here is what you need to know in a nutshell. I lost a person whom I thought was my best friend. Everything I thought was real was unreal.
Try to swallow that.
At least in death, you can hang on to what was real.
At least with a real loss, you learn, you loved, and move on. It happened for a reason. It is a part of you. You have real memories.
Mine were revealed to me as an illusion and a delusion. Two different things happening at the same time. It's a hard pill to swallow.
I also am the only one to suffer public humiliation over this.
Do we all have regrets? Yes. Yet, at the same time, I don't look behind me. I look ahead.
Do I regret ever falling in love at any moment in my life? No.
Do I regret falling in love with the wrong person(s)? No.
I bet that last one took you for a U-turn or a re-run. Did you have to read it twice?
Why? Because love is a gift. I give it away pretty freely. I suffer the consequences in the end if it is one sided, but I never regret giving my love to anyone...even a stranger.
If you read my blog during the police officer years, you might have already grasped that notion. Sure, I could be ruthless and a hard ass, but I didn't let the crust build over my heart.
How do you grieve something that wasn't real? How do you grieve the loss of a best friend whom didn't feel that way about you? Betrayal is worse than death. Why? First of all, because what you believed to be true was a lie. Because your real thoughts and real future plans were abruptly stopped and not only that, they become impossible. Because that person is still there, yet not as the person you thought they were. They still live in their happy life. He still loves, but it isn't me. He didn't lose his best friend. He still has her.
Did I get another explanation than just the one from the girlfriend? Yes.
It was a birthday present I appreciated. Sometimes you want to know why.
Do I believe it? Some of it. You never get all the truth, the whole truth. Only what someone wants to reveal to you. It's really hard for someone to tell you the truth when it was such an explosion of deceit and generally, they were thought to be a good person. Those people don't want it to be public. They don't even want to tell another person in confidence. They don't want to lose respect or their reputation.
So, you get pieces.
And all of it is hidden from public eye, kept under wraps.
What I know, am told, or believe... is all inside this rock head of mine. For me to digest.
Rockhead. I think my dad might have called me that once or twice.
Did my fake boyfriend ever love me? He says so. He says he always will. What does that mean?
I don't know. Maybe nothing.
And yet I don't hate him. Many people can't understand that.
I don't hate people.
It isn't worth the waste of energy.
I only love and forgive in my personal life. Many of those people may not be in my life anymore. That's the difference.
If you were lucky enough for either one, you are a part of me...always.