It's Throwback Thursday on Faceplant. I think it's appropriate here. You might want to hear this story about Wheels from way back when...
Drunks were running amuck again as usual. Utility poles-0. Drunks-20. Apparently Rocky Mountain Power puts those dang things in the middle of the road. Or something. Occasionally we get a report from a concerned citizen before someone gets killed or kills a pole...or worse. You know the rest.
One such citizen called in a cowboy before he could strike a pole. Wheels was JohnnyOnTheSpot and happened to be close. He pulled him over and called for another unit. The night sergeant had put him in my area, so we worked together that night. Naturally, I was his backup.
WHEELS: This should be a fun one, Boss.
ME: That bad?
WHEELS: Yup. And he's 21.
ME: OK. Let's go.
So Wheels started out with the preliminary questions...
WHEELS: Do you have any head, neck, or back injuries I need to be aware of?
CLOWNBOY: That's confidential.
WHEELS: I need to know if medically there is anything that may prevent you from performing these tests or a medical problem going on now.
CLOWNBOY: Yeah. That's confidential.
ME: Look. We aren't going to plaster your information all over the internet. We need to know a few simple things about your medical background, mostly pertaining to injuries, heart conditions, diabetes, and epilepsy. The better you cooperate, the faster we can get you on your way. We need to see if you are safe to drive. Your choice.
CLOWNBOY: Ok. Fine.
Now...he didn't know that the "faster we can get you on your way" may be to the jail, not necessarily behind the wheel. One glance at Clownboy and he was going NOWHERE except to the clink. The field sobriety tests...fascinating. Only if I could show the video. It was priceless. Of course, in the end...he was arrested...and blew a .189. However...he was a clever cowboy.
Horizontal gaze nystagmus started us off with a bang...or good vibrations. If I had to name him by the eyes, I would have called him-THE JERK.
WHEELS: Hold your head still. Just follow my pen with your eyes only. You keep moving your head.
CLOWNBOY: [swaying in place]Well, you need to keep that pen level. You keep moving it up and down and you can't keep it straight for me. If you do your part, I'll do mine.
ME: Guess he told you.
CLOWNBOY: Don't you see my issue, mam? He's all over the place.
ME: [big cheesy smile]
WHEELS: Ok. Let's try this again.
The new DUI training has eliminated counting and the alphabet, but Wheels was taught OLD SCHOOL, so he still uses it despite his new updates. It's just extra for the affidavit, but isn't necessary.
WHEELS: Can you say your alphabet from A to Z without singing or rhyming. It should sound like this...A, B, C...and so forth.
CLOWNBOY: A, B, C, D, E, J, L,M, Q, R, X, Y, AND Z! Yeah, hell, I messed that up.
[No shit, buddy]
WHEELS: Can you count backwards from 68 to 52?
CLOWNBOY: Hell, no.
WHEELS: No? Do you want to try?
CLOWNBOY: Hell no. If I walk backwards, I might hit something and hurt myself. What kind of stupid test is that?
WHEELS: No. I want you to stand still and count backwards like 68, 67, 66, and so forth. I don't want you to walk backwards. So do you want to try.
CLOWNBOY: My answer is still HELL NO.
The walk and turn was SOMETHING. Wheels demonstrated it, CLOWNBOY tried. At least we thought that was what he was doing. I, myself, think he was trying out for the circus.
His arms were parallel to the sidewalk. He swayed like he was on the high wire. If he had been on the high wire...he would have fallen several feet below into the net. He had to have his baseball cap off because it "threw him off balance". So, of course, we allowed him to take off his hat. We didn't want him to fall down from the extra weight.
CLOWNBOY: 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 5, 6, 7. Whoa the line is moving. I need to do this somewhere else the line is moving.
ME: It's an imaginary line. And we are on a city sidewalk. So it's in your head. Focus.
CLOWNBOY: 7, 8. I need to put on the record the sidewalk is sloping right here and really pulling me into the street.
ME: So noted. [roll eyes at Wheels]
WHEELS: [ big cheesy smile]
CLOWNBOY: 9, 10...and spin around military style. 1, 2, 3, I need to put on record the sidewalk is smaller here and there isn't enough room.
WHEELS: It's a normal sidewalk.
CLOWNBOY: Well, I feel it's smaller here. 4, 5, 6, 7. Oh, by the way... I have a broken leg.
WHEELS: Like right now? I asked you about injuries to your legs.
CLOWNBOY: No, when I was 8. Fell off a horse.
WHEELS: Ok. Are you under a doctor's care for that?
CLOWNBOY: No. But I think it's affecting me on this test. It's wobbly. 8, 9, 10. I'm done.
WHEELS: You're finished?
CLOWNBOY: Yes. I took an extra step to make it 10 for ya.
ME: Actually, you took more than 10 on the first set of steps.
WHEELS: I told you to take 9 steps.
CLOWNBOY: I wanted the extra credit.