Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...







Saturday, February 22, 2014

The Silver Bullet is PHAT

Bug did not like the car's new name. She told me it did not fit and it did not fit me.

BUG: Mom, Beazle is stupid.

ME: I like it. When the car is full of rap...we are The Beaz.

BUG: Mom, that isn't cool.

ME: How about the Silver Bullet.

BUG: No, you are not the Lone Ranger.

ME: How about Bertha.

BUG: No, that sounds fat.

ME: Oooh...Yeah. Fat Amy.

BUG: No...Fat Amy is beautiful. I like her. I  love that movie.

ME: I know, you watch it ten times a day. How about PHAT AMY?

BUG: That is the same thing.

ME: NO, you can't see what is in my mind.

BUG: I don't think the car will like it.

I told her OK...from now on...the car is called...wait for it...PHAT AMY. Bug loves FAT AMY from Pitch Perfect and says big is beautiful. So is my car. It's W.I.D.E.

So we are now cruising in Phat Amy. It fits. It could be Fat Fargo but I am downsizing that.

Tweenkies

Bug and I have been having intense conversations and funnies. I think her tweenage brain is working overtime. It's killing me. I have to think or something.

For instance, she asked me how I came up with her name the other day. I told her that I thought about it for months and I actually wanted to name her "Mattie" after my cousin Matthew who passed away from a tragic accident. She told me that was a really cool name and she would have rather been named that, then followed up with the famous question of why didn't I use that idea. I told her that my cousin Kris, his sister, should have had first dibs at naming a child after her brother and I felt I should not ask her if it was OK and moved on to a different name.

Bug looked down trodden. I asked her if she liked her name. She said she did, but she liked Mattie better. I told her I picked her first name because I wanted it to be different and spelled it all screwy so it would bother her teachers and mess with Spellcheck her whole life. She rolled her eyes and yelled, "MOM!" I told her I was kidding. She asked about her middle name. I told her I wanted her middle name to be her first name, but her dad liked the other name as her first name better. The second name was chosen because it was by the grace of God to have a child in the first place.

She thought about it for a minute, looked forward in the car and said, " I am glad you didn't name me my first name with my middle name. Yeah. I wished you would have overrode the name idea and took-ed it anyway with Mattie."

I looked at her.

She looked at me.

I frowned.

She said, "What?"

I said, "What kind of English is that? You sounded like something out of the urban dictionary."

You know what she told me?

"Mom, I am allowed to express myself and I don't need auto correction."

*head desk*

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

FREE-KINDLE MY FIRE!

A dark and sinister tale, The Last Song of the Meadowlark,  on sale now for free on Amazon Kindle! Two Days Only!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Bug Spray

My daughter and I had a good 4 hour drive home from trading vehicles with my brother in Illinois. She was working on her homework which was a difficult writing assignment. She was to write several poems in different writing fashions according to the teacher's instructions. She bounced them off of me and we laughed and had a good time. See if you can tell which ones were inspired by our lives and the road trip.

BTW...of course she got an A-100%. I am so proud. These are copyrighted of course and if you copy them as  your own,  I will hunt you down like a dog. If you would like to share them and give her credit, then I would be fine with that. Fargo PRIDE!

The first one had to be made from her name and had to reflect herself:

Many colors
Attitudes
Dancing
Yodeling songs
Sunshine and smiles
Orange you glad you
No me!!

The second had to rhyme three lines:

Stars are very bright
They glisten in pale moonlight
Stars make up the night

The third had to rhyme 1 and 2, 3 and 4, and 5 and 6th lines:

At times the sky is very cool
But midafternoon it becomes Azul
Can you see the orange pockets?
Dancing through the sky like rockets
Every color glistens when it rains
Forever making a rainbow through the plains.

The fourth is my favorite. Maybe you can guess why...

Waddle, waddle goes Arty the possum
snooping around thinking he was awesome
He sniffed one too many flowers
and fell asleep for hours
Arty was no more, he sniffed the wrong blossom.

The fifth had to show life to an inanimate thing:

Sometimes the highway is a moody thing
Today it made my tires sing
Yesterday it hummed along
A nice soothing song
But the other day it was a grouch
When my car hit a pothole. Ouch!

The last had to be about the object you drew with your words:
She drew a tree, but I can't do it here, because blogger messes it up, so you get the words.

When pine boughs bend in the wind, they bring strong smells of juniper
Creaks and cracks, moans and groans can be heard all the way to Jupiter
As the old evergreen bends and whips to and fro
Wishing it was summer, when the winds did not blow

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Ding Dong!!!

Ding dong the mouse is DEAD! As in final. Finale. Finial.  Take that, English teachers!

Yay! Poison works. No more Hanta virus pellets of death. No more feeling dirty. No more eerie ghostkatears noises. I fired Amy and Steve...well, I skipped the bill without paying. It was like a dine and dash. Considering it a FREE consultation. I might me on the Dead Files in the "boobs and banshees" edition.

 No more Chlorox cleanses for The Harry Potter house...well at least for a while.


Yes, I was feeling my Picasso roots today. Don't judge me.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Ghost Ka Tears

It was bound to happen.

It's cold outside. Which makes us spend more time inside

The Harry Potter house has been moaning and groaning with noises. Pops in the night when it is subzero. It still holds up. Why? Because it's over a hunnerd years old, that's why. And because I live there, it must be a warrior house.

The only problem is sometimes the armor gets pierced.

The noises didn't sound like house moans and groans anymore, but something within. Fuck me in the ass. Only I don't say that out loud in my house and well, I should not say in my head because they could read my mind maybe.

I was worried I was going to have to call on Amy and Steve...one day...
but I haven't been feeling that there were any creepers in my house...until now...
 
The noise first started from the north. The north is always a bad sign. Things from the north bring a bad storm of danger and scariness. Or so I am told. Sometimes while relaxing in the TV Room, I would jump up and go investigate, but I didn't find anything. I would sit back down and after a bit, I something would fall in the north part of the house. I couldn't figure out why.
 
 
They were small dark shadowy figures. They were fast. I would think I would see something and then I would dismiss it as my vision being out of whack, or I was tired. Seeing things.
 
I couldn't get the nerve to call Amy and Steve until I had evidence. Then one day I did. It was right in front of my face and it angered me. It was my house!
 
I first put out traps and he ate all the peanut butter but didn't get slammed to his death. I then put out glue strips, but he pooped all the way around them, shitting on my operation. I mean, how many cleanses can you do in one house?
 
So, I called up Amy and Steve and I got crickets. They said they don't do mouse ghosts. I told them he isn't a real one because I can't trap him and he don't die.
 
Steve told me I really need to worry when he has babies.
 
 
My mouth gaped open with horror.
 
I put out more traps. None of them worked. I was running out of Chlorox and sanity.
 
So I went and fucking deconned his ass. Damn mouse! Amy told me it should only smell bad for a week and then I need to cleanse the house.
 
The house if full of poison and Otis and Moose are not near it, but every night after I once again Chlorox EVERYTHING because I am paranoid of the dirty filthy beasts after seeing them kill big humans and poop Hanta virus pellets...(taking a breath here) that I cry out..."KILL KILL KILL" and "DIE DIE DIE"  before I go upstairs and say my prayers to Jesus. Jesus, please kill the mouse.

Bandaid Bus

 
The Gold Beast is at the hospital. Prognosis...some repairs...again. The Bro is handling that. In the meantime, my family got me an awesome replacement...the exact car (basic model) I had as a detective. So I have a new g-ride. I named her Beazle. It fits. Beazle starts all the time, but really doesn't like the cold weather. In fact, this weekend when I went to work out at the gym, I came out to a fussy Beazle. The car did not want to start very well. I continued on by giving my friend a ride. When I started her up again, the same effect. Poop. Shit. I heard the train. They are abundant here. This one was surely from Folsom Prison, coming to pick me up.  In fact, all my life troubles seem to be a strait jacket on my goal setting. I am to the point that I think I have used all my golden tickets up. How many people do you know can touch a beautiful rose and it turns to poop? Yep. That's me. My friend Norma tells me, "but, Fargo, no matter how much shit you have, you come out smelling like a rose. "



I called my brother to get his advice and he gave me battery, starter, alternator and told me to go to a parts store and see if they could diagnose it for free.

My friend, BANANA, directed me to the nearest parts store as I don't know my way around town very well yet. I got there, shut Beazle off and told the dude inside my problem. He wheeled out a machine.

DUDE: Lady, you have the original 2005 Mega Formula AC Delco battery. Let's see what is does. Ok. Ok. It takes a full charge and and and and

ME: What?

DUDE: It falls flat on its face. You need a new battery. 100 bucks plus tax.

ME: Ok. Guess I need one.

DUDE: You can wait inside this will take me about 4 minutes.

So, I went inside like a good customer. I grumbled and mumbled and kicked imaginary stones around the waiting room. 100 bucks I didn't have. However, I had to get to work. No choice. Somehow I kept thinking I was on that Long Black Train...and all the bad things I have done in life are piling up on me despite forgiveness and my imperfections.



After paying my battery Long Black Train toll, I went out to start Beazle.

She fired right up! I could tell the difference even in my non-mechanic self. Beazle sounded better. I felt much more secure and confident I wasn't going to break down.

On the way home, my friend called me back to see how I was doing and I told her the verdict. I had a little sob sob sound starting in my voice, but I was relieved it wasn't something bigger and more expensive. BANANA told me she understands what it is like to be a single mom and not knowing anyone to call for help. She said some words that I needed to hear...

BANANA: Sometimes we struggle and there is no way around it. It is just a hurdle we will have to overcome. You are blessed just as I am blessed. It was just a battery. Easy fix. Sure it is 100 bucks you didn't have, but it could have been far worse. Take it and run.

She was right. I picked up Bug at her friend's house and I did so with a good attitude and forged forward. Later we went to church. I was greeted by all the friendly faces and I love my church people. They are much more Godly and just good down to earth elderly people. Well, most of them. There are about 6 under 60 year olds. Johnny Cash The Preacher just so happen to sing this song in Johnny Cash fashion in a Capella with his guitar at church and I am sure it was meant for me.

So...this is the latest published version. I'm pretty sure it sums me up.   It is a song sung by at Christian rally ( Go God! ) featuring Lynda Randle and the Gaithers co-written by Kris Kristofferson.
 
The history is really interesting. It was meant for the late Patsy Cline (one of my favorites), however, she died before she could record it.
 
Even Tupac has recorded the song? With Eminem? Well, it is a different song "One Day At A Time" (minus the "Sweet Jesus")...far from Jesus...
 
 
This weekend was very eventful. I busted out of prison, I got my taxes finished, I jumped off the long black train, I painted a little bit, and now I think I am in a better mindset.
 
I did this all without wine, but a lot of whining. I did it with Christina...
 
So...


Justified

My buddy, the Russian Bear, has found some blog topics to get the troops all riled up. I think it is just best to glorify you with a discussion question and give you the link to the article and video...

So...let's say the police come with a search warrant in hand, no knock to be exact, and the troops convoy to the place, rally for the event, and make entry...turtle suits and all...vest with big POLICE on them...big guns...wait for it...wait for it...


 
...and one of them gets shot by the homeowner who is involved in illegal activity...and the law enforcement officer dies...
 

What do you think about that? Justified? Not justified?

Read about it...see the video...

Look what happened in Texas...

What do you say? Do you agree with the court finding?  


Here is the younger Sharon Stone, an avid supporter of gun control. Well, the older version is still against gun control.

The Boogie Man is open for discussion...


Thursday, February 6, 2014

What In The World?

Sometimes I am offensive to others who do not share my off the mark humor. Cops are sickos. Ex-cops are still sickos. On the other end of the spectrum, I am not easily offended.

I am opinionated and outspoken at times.  This would mark one of those.

What is up with America?

Lately.

Let me outline it. In fact, I will outline it just like my good English teachers taught me. They are all dead, but hey-I sure don't want any of them to haunt me...

I. Protesting the Super Bowl Coke Ad
            A. America Changed the National Anthem
                   1) America The Beautiful is now our national anthem?
                   2) Is it Obama's fault?
                   3) Did George Bush do it?
                   4) It was caused by a firearm?

            B. English Is Not The Only Language In The World
                   1) Other languages besides English exist in the world?
                   2) Other cultures cannot appreciate America?
                   3) Everyone is not the same color?

II. New Bullets

             A. They Look Cool
                  1) Are they going to be priced out of this world?
                  2) Will they come out in pink?
                  3) If they don't get used right away, do ammo owners have to brush their teeth?
             B. They Are Vicious
                  1) Are there concerns if they get in the wrong hands, they are going to be the next greatest cop killers?
                  2) Will they kill someone all by themselves and go on the gun control hot list?
                  3) Do we need new kinds of bullets? Are the old ones bad?

             C. Green Is The New Black
                  1) Copper? Did they use recycled?
                  2) Are they green manufacturers?
                  3) Are they an Eco-friendly company?

III. Cold Weather
            A. Al Gore Is A Sumbitch
                1) Did he smoke one too many doobies?
                2) Can he clarify global warming goes into a polar melt goes into an ice age?
                3) Is climate fucking one of his tricks?
                4) We can't wait for his next movie?
                5) Can he put Snowmageddon in a nice flow chart or graph?
            B. Summer Has Vacated America
                1) Can we get a rebate on this?
                2) Can we claim a deduction on our taxes?

IV. Fort Collins High School Bans Spirit Day
           A. Principal/Faculty Have Party Pooper Status
               1) Is it against American school policy to be a patriot?
               2) Can we wear red, white, and blue? All together?
               3) Do we have to wear our America shirts inside out?
               4) Can we still raise the American flag every day?
           B. 'Merica
               1) Is the multilingual or multicultural? Can it be a derogatory slang and a good slang word at the same time?
               2) What about those that have a speech impediment and drop the letter A? Are we excluding them?
               3)Can we communicate how to spell a word? Can we communicate our feelings to students?
                    a) Did you text them?
                    b) Did you Tweet it?
                    c) Did you send out an email?
                    d) How did that Facebook rating system work out for you?

V. Justin Smith for President
          A. Colorado Sheriff Has Balls
               1) 2016 campaign for President of the United States?
               2) Can we clone him?
               3) Is his Patriotic Servitude and Gumption contagious?
                    a) Where did he get trained?
                    b) Is it a class?
                    c) Was he anointed in some type of Patriot Oil?
                    d) Is it in the water?

         

               
       

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Ground The Hog Day!

Ground the hog day! Make bacon! Spring is not near, so READ!

THE BOOGIE MAN IS MY FRIEND  is now free on Kindle today! 
 
Click here to get if free now~
 
New artwork inside and out, new edits, new look, polish and shine! Oh, and Yuri, I added page numbers and table of contents just for you!