Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Friday, January 30, 2015

Danger Will Robinson...Dog Down! Dog Down!

Heavens to Mergatroid!

"The puppies are falling off the cliff. Grab them! Grab them! Don't let them fall!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I scrambled to save them from falling. The emotions were high. I was sweating and struggling so hard but my rescue attempts were to no avail at least as far as a permanent save goes. It was like herding cats. The saves were temporary in nature.  I would barely catch them in time before they plunged over the edge surely to their deaths into the black unknown beneath the clouds. We were way up high on the mountain. I was reaching for the little fur balls with valiant efforts to save them. My knees were scraped and my arms were bleeding. It was reminisce of a white knight's duties. Only I was a girl. I am a girl. I still am a girl.

I must have reached maximum capacity before implosion.

Bug came rushing in and told me I was stupid and the puppies were fine. In fact, they were all on my bed. Go figure.

BUG: EEEEKKKK! Mom! Your eyes are bloody! Oh my gosh! Mom! You are dying!

(Added melodrama of a teenager and crying profusely)

ME: Whatever. Get ready for school.


Ok. So that pic was a fake dramatic demo. It looks more like this...and I'm not smiling.

ME: All be darned. Probably stroking out from all the stress. I haven't looked this bad since college.

BUG: OH NO! MOM, did I do this to you? Did I cause you to stroke out?

ME: Yes.


ME: Relax. I am not feeling anything. 


ME: Yeah. It's a warning you should be nice to your mom and do your chores. Be good.



So I had to have a chat and tell her I was kidding. Although I am not so sure I wasn't. Last night my anxiety level with her was at the limits where I just sent her to her room. 

So eye doctor bound I went.

Yeah. Hypertension and stress related. I had no trauma to the eye. My blood pressure and anxiety, stress level is through the roof. I refused the drugs. I don't like them. I just need to take a breath and relax...mentally get a grip on myself. Yikes. Here is my sleep chart...

What a mess. Ms. A...I am loading up on double the cherry stuff. 

No need to panic.The Harry Potter House is going through some decompression tonight. 

Stand down. 

Fargo is not going to implode just yet. It will look like this for 2 weeks. 

Great conversation piece.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Review Mirror

Today is the day I wrap up the book I am reading. So tomorrow...be ready for a book review. It's going to be off the grid as far as any other book review I have done.

Speaking of reviews...here is one on some things spotted at the SHOT SHOW by 5.11 Tactical. Click on the link below the pic.

And a review about American Sniper you might find interesting can be found HERE. 

Apparently, overall my sleep is not as efficient but it looks like I slept mostly through the night. The 4:15 am wake up is dog pee time as usual. Sigh. Note the slight awake time during the witching hour of 0300 again and I don't remember a thing about it. Creeeeepy?

Several have brought the new surge of protests I fondly call the, "App Attack", to my attention through emails, blog posts (great write up by Mr. G) and Facebook. This topic has created a firestorm in the media and with the public. I think we need to worry about other things. Who cares about an app? There is always going to be some type of technology these days which give the public one up. It still deters traffic violations. How? You slowed down, didn't you? It is similar to a radar detector. There is also talk about how this app will create opportunity for police ambushes and giving up their positions. What do you think?

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Panties In A Wad

Judging from my recent posts on here and My Wedding Dress Is Snow Camo...you might say my panties are in a wad. Well, it might be true. I might be crazy. Or both.

Last night I was on the phone to an old friend and we swayed toward a political discussion. Of course, race and cops came into the mix. Here is my defining moment of political madness...

"I am sick and tired of this crap. I am chock full of people vetting all of the racial tensions in the US and concluding it is the cops' fault and not coming up with any actionable plans of change. Is it as big a problem as some would like us to think? What is your solution? Where do cops go wrong? Is it a regional problem? A department problem? What? And I am sick of people throwing political correctness in my face. Pick a name to call yourself and shut up about it. They are no more from Africa than I am from Ireland. They are not African-Americans, they are Americans. They are Americans who happen to be black just like I am an American who is white. WE are Americans. Get over it. If you have dual citizenship, then I will call you an African-American if you demand it. I have no problem with you embracing your heritage but don't throw all this crap in my face and expect me to remember the latest proper coin phrase so as not to offend people. I mean no offense. As a cop, you are hammered about recording the proper color of suspects and victims (ethnic race, skin color and tone) because it is bio-data and used for identification purposes. It has nothing to do with any agenda or racial slam. Fuck."

Well, that about ended the conversation. At least until another day.

Cue the haters. Hate on me, that's OK. I'm not a racist. I think we are walking around tippy toeing and making namby pambies out of our children instead of talking about real issues, we skirt around with "fake nice-ities" because someone might be offended or get their feelers hurt. Suck it up. Cowboy up. However, you phrase...grow some balls. Not little peek-a-boo types, but big hairy balls.

Whew. I wonder if it had an impact on my sleep.

I know Moose did because he demanded to pee at 2:00 am. Rat bastard. I do love him despite his bladder issues. He is a dog. He hails from Germany. Not really. He was born in America. He is an American German Short-haired Pointer...or dog. He is a dog. Color? Liver. Origin? America.

My panties are still in a wad.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

The Buzz With The Fuzz

What is the latest buzz tasking our police administrators, you might ask?

Oodles and oodles of white noise (yes white, but nothing to do with race) surrounds each department. What am I talking about? Administrative pressures. Some pressures are caused by the societal geniuses and crowds of like thinkers which I call the latest and greatest "white noise." You can't ignore it. You can't shut it off. They might be right. They might be wrong. You may be right. I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for. Thank you, Billy Joel. 

However, it is still noise no one can ignore.  I'm going to tackle just a few of those issues today and wrap my OPINION around it. Why? Because it's my blog. You can agree, disagree, or discuss, ask questions, click off, or all of the above. I welcome it because we only get better with healthy communications.
  • High Risk Personnel 
    • Every department has them. 
    • They are the employees who are in the organization are walking a fine line of justice, "dirty", "corrupted", or just a mess personally. 
    • Perhaps...going lower on the totem pole...they are even good cops, but they have volatile personal problems. 
    • What about officers with drinking problems? 
    • Maybe they are "punchy", wavering on situations of excessive force, and rude to the public. 
    • Some of these types of officers might even be a liability waiting to happen such as "dating their victims", "coming on or sleeping with people they contact while in uniform", "dipping the pen in the company ink", "sleeping with their training recruits." 
    • And the extreme is corruption. 
    • This topic encompasses all high risk behaviors on and off duty.  
  • Fitness for Duty
    • As a society, do you think it is important for an officer to be physically and mentally fit for duty? Yes. I agree. Absolutely. There is no other answer. 
    • Now, in this day and age, it is imperative for life and street survival. 
    • Don't be a slouch. Put down the donut. Get active. 
    • You can't afford to die because you are fat and if you are trying to save me and fail because you are fat, I am going to haunt you. It won't be pretty.
  • Character and Integrity Issues
    • It's not just enough to be a good officer and enforce laws fairly, but you must have the utmost character and integrity. Why settle for anything else in yourself? Why would an organization settle for anything else in an officer?
    • You know, it really isn't that hard. If you think on the fence, you should not be a cop. 
    • Organizations cannot afford to have slackers with poor character traits and integrity issues.
    • Recently, one of my detective friends retired and I am going to share some of his words which are taken from an email he sent to all his colleagues before his final day of duty. He and I think alike. I have permission to reprint it, in case you were wondering.
  • Developments in Force Management
    • Wow. With new coin phrases like "going full Ferguson" and whatnot, do you think the issues here are going wild behind the scenes? Yep. It's getting ugly. 
    • What will be allowed, not allowed? Hmm. Sit and wait. 
    • It all comes down to liability and what the department wants to fork out, what the courts allow, industry standards, norms, reasonable force necessary, etc. What slice of pie do you want?
    • Society does not accept our use of force continuum. 
    • Society expects warning shots and shooting guns and weapons out of suspects' hands.
    • Unrealistic expectations from the public and government officials.
    • Society expects cops to be psychics and clairvoyants when it comes to human behavior and to know what a person will or will not do with a weapon.
    • Society should expect people to get shot who advance with a weapon or brandish a weapon with actions toward an officer or pose a public threat. Duh.
  • Negligent Hiring, Retention, and Supervision
    • The hammer is coming down. 
    • If you think you can "hire sloppy", retain problem officers, and fail to supervise your troops properly...guess again. 
    • Vicarious liability and supervision failures will cause the public and the feds to hang your head on the highest tree. 
    • The pressure as a police supervisor or administrator just multiplied exponentially. 
    • Be ready to take the heat for all or rein them in. 
    • Making supervisors accountable is happening not only by the Chiefs and Sheriffs directives, but the Feds as well. It should be the norm of the job, not a new shiny policy and training module.
    • Your liability for failure to discipline and properly supervise is also going to be actionable against you.
    • Good supervisors will be great leaders and all that will trickle downward into an exemplary team of officers. 
    • Shit supervisors are going to raise poop troops and be on national television.
  • Low Cost-High Yield Training Initiatives
    • Yeah. We want the best trained officers possible but for free. No one has the proper training budget. What now? Training is on the forefront of reformation. Doing more with less will be the latest and greatest coin phrase not only applicable to training, but the entire gamut of police work. Wait. It's been that way for years. Why do we expect so much with so little and then do not want to put money into quality police forces? Shazam. I don't get it. Never will. 
    • Invest in your people. Throw education and training at them and watch them grow.
    • Morale boosts. Incentive programs like working well and physical fitness incentives.
    • Specialty pay.
    • What do you think?
  • Building and Maintaining Duty and Honor Values
    • This shouldn't be something new. This should be carved into the forehead of every officer. Duh. Where did it go to resurface as a new concept?
  • Avoiding Ethnic and Sexual Harassment
    • Keep your penis in your pants. Don't walk around penis first. Get your head in the game. Keep your vagina out of the work place and off the centerfolds. End of story. 
  • Physical Readiness Programs and Standards
    • Absolutely we need standards. We need performance tests. They need to be fair and realistic. You might want Olympians, but you need to be fair. Give your troops the equipment and training they need to succeed. Keep them healthy. 
  • Performance Requirements vs. Quotas
    • Blah. Blah. Blah. Fluff. Smoke screens. There have been quotas disguised as "performance standards" for years. There are quotas. Yo mama is fat and you cannot lie. 
    • You have to have some type of number to judge your average performance level from. The problem is it makes supervisors lazy. They should know if their guys or gals are performing up to par or excelling in their field. They should also be able to measure which ones have emotional intelligence and make sound decisions which is far more important than 3 traffic tickets a day. 
    • How do you measure specialties, special assignments, and veteran knowledge? 
    • Pull your heads out of your asses. 
  • Improving Human and Community Relations
    • Well, as if we didn't see this coming years before the USA blew up itself, imploding racial tensions and unfair treatment all over the land. Police chiefs should have been on top of this earlier when they slipped from community policing tactics to reactive policing. The way of the streets changed and so fast, the administrators were sitting with their thumbs up their asses. 
    • I hear from several who believe it is the new generation of cops which have changed the world and more and more ex-military are creating the problem. Bullshit. It is true our pool of candidates is low and many don't cut the mustard, but that is a scapegoat. It is true ex-military become cops because it is similar...paramilitary organization and they thrive in that environment. Don't hate on soldiers.
    • The problem is quality training, money, technology, equipment, and time. You can't sit around in Lah Lah Land when the world changes around you and you don't adapt to the needs. 
    • The public wants transparency, yet police work is secret. You have to find a balance. Keep them informed, yet don't give away your investigations. 
    • Make your officers community involved...humanize them...give back...talk to the people...be "officer friendly badass." Plus...the community helps out with information when they trust the troops. It's a win win. 
    • The wonder brains didn't develop community policing in the 70's for no reason, they were on to something. 
  • Defining Supervisory Expectations
    • Lazy supervisors suck. 
    • Shitty supervisors suck. 
    • Great leaders surround themselves with great leaders and even some who are better leaders than themselves. Does that make sense?  
    • Keep them on task. 
    • Keep them accountable. You might have to discipline or terminate your friend. Can you do it? 
    • You might have to know the laws backward and forward, policies backward and forward, and ethics upside down, etc. Are you smart enough? Longevity doesn't make you a good supervisor.
    • Raise the bar. 
    • Stripes and Stars? Yep...they are heavy...carry them well or leave them for someone who can hack it.
  • An Evaluation System that Actually Works
    • Hello. We have been screaming for this since the beginning of time. 
    • Why is it so hard and why haven't they come up with a process yet? There are skewed numbers and pretty pie charts for everything, but no fair and qualitative evaluation system which works? Whiskey-tango-foxtrot!?! Police work is not rocket science, but it is a profession of high standards.
      Photo Credit: Pinterest


And now...a few parting words from Wes Gudahl...(I have shortened the entire letter and taken pieces out to share):

I know everyone tries to leave with humorous, or caustic remarks.  I would like to impart five things I have learned over the years as my final words.  Some of you will read this, roll your eyes and move on, however, I hope some of you will be encouraged to press on, so for you, here goes:

First - Don’t buy the lie that Quality is better than Quantity when it comes to spending time with your loved ones. Quantity produces quality! Remember your family comes first and foremost, this means the commitment to your marriage as well as your children.  Being married is hard work as is rearing children!  Get off the couch, away from the TV, work at your relationship with your loved ones!  Stay away from self-indulgence, self-centeredness, and self-absorption. Live for others, spend your energy and efforts wisely, invest in your family and the relationship with your spouse.  In all of the funerals I have been the minister for I have never had family upset about  their loved ones not writing that last citation, or making that last arrest.   But I have heard repeatedly the longing to spend just one more minute with their loved one, one last conversation, one last laugh, one last hug, one last kiss.

Second – I believe as first responders we lose our innocence so the citizens can keep theirs.  Because of this I also believe it is important to remember the God who created you.  Our spiritual outlook can sometimes anchor us when the situations we encounter seem evil and we see the evil that men do to each other.  Stay grounded spiritually, get involved with a church, bible study, etc.  Not only do you meet good people but studies tell us those who have a positive spiritual grounding live longer.  In our profession we can get pretty sour and sometimes angry at God.  Yet, if you choose to believe in God, you realize in the beauty and the pain of creation is His allowance for mankind to make a choice.  After all, He did not create us to be robots. Some make evil and reprehensible choices.  You get to protect society from them!  Others make wise and wonderful decisions and we get the opportunity to encourage them. 

Third – The greatest trust the American people can give is for us to uphold the laws they have enacted.  We protect the innocent and those who cannot protect themselves.  Sometimes this is frustrating, irritating, and feels hopeless.  However, we never let down.  Wojo (CPD Officer Jim Yurkiewicz) told me a long time ago “You have the power to change someone’s life forever.”  I have never forgotten those words.  Use that power wisely.   If someone vents, or is angry at the situation, let them.  Never trade safety; but if the victim/witness needs to vent at you, who cares?  If your skin is that thin you’re already in the wrong career field.  PLEASE, it does not have to be an “us against them” mentality.  Make friends with non-law enforcement, spend time with them. Realize there are good people out there and re-invigorate yourself with their company and their perspectives.  It will make you better at being a cop and make you a better, more complete, person.

Fourth  - Treat your partners, the department, and the public with respect and professionalism.  We don’t always have to agree and sometimes respecting someone is hard but we don’t have the excuse not to be professional.  Respect and professionalism are important elements.  When we treat others with professionalism, regardless of how they respond to us, only then can we truly respect ourselves.  Even if you don’t care for your fellow officer, respect does not let your fellow officer fail or fall.  Respect stands up and strives to help build for success.   Respect takes pride when others succeed and does not strive for self-adulation.  Respect and professionalism are part of a team concept not a self-serving concept. I guess when I look in the mirror the person looking back needs to know no matter how the other person treated me, I did, and will, treat them with professional respect. 

Fifth - Educate yourself.  Never stop reading, bettering your technique and honing your skills.  Learn from others; it is amazing how anyone can teach something even if it’s how not to do it!  Solicit advice and input from people who respect you enough to be painfully truthful regardless of the outcome.  Evaluate, open the door for constructive review which can only make you better at your tasks.   Don’t be afraid to defend your position but know the balance.  Open and honest review with a healthy discussion makes yesterday’s mistakes tomorrow’s successes.  Teach and pass on your lessons, don’t keep them to yourself; help others.  The citizens, your fellow officers, and you,  deserve the best you can possibly be so NEVER stop LEARNING.

You are all part of an honorable profession, one that I no-longer have the opportunity to participate in. I envy each one of you.  I know I have not been perfect and if I have offended any of you please forgive me.  I have been blessed with my time here at CPD and have enjoyed working with my fellow officers, dispatchers, office administration, services, victim services, property evidence, CSO’s, and DA’s.  As a Team we have put really bad guys in jail and made a small part of our world a better place.  Don’t lose heart. If I can ever be of a service to you, if you want to talk, shoot the breeze, or need a place to stay please don’t hesitate to call.  I will look forward to seeing you.

I leave you with this proverb “When justice is done it brings joy to the righteous but, terror to the evil doers” (Proverb 21:15)

-Wes Gudahl

Monday, January 26, 2015


Are you lying in wait for the next big news blast on cops?

Or a new riot to break out?

How about the storm to hit the east coast?

Come on. You have thought about this...How many of you think it is karma biting The Patriots in the butt for cheating? It was a thought.

How many of you are waiting for your city or state to fix the potholes? I almost got swallowed up by one yesterday...

For a break...take a look at my latest serious side...follow along if you like...

It's quiet out there. Shhhhh. Don't say the "q" word. I know. I know.

A few random schmandoms today:

New vocabulary:

impo ent (two words due to the pause): spelled i-m-p-o-r-t-a-n-t--im·por·tant
  1. of great significance or value; likely to have a profound effect on success, survival, or well-being.


Had a couple (more than two) questions on email to address:

1) What are your plans? Are you happy? What is in your future?

I first took this as a questionnaire resembling what you would fill out on an online dating site, but then I knew that was not true because I have never been on an online dating site. So...I wouldn't know. It just sounded like something you would fill out. Are you asking me out?

Must love dogs. Must embrace crazy. Must be able to keep up. Must have a job. 

There...I shaved my list of requirements way down from the original 40.

1-I have many plans, some of them are spinning in place, some in motion.

2-I am happy most of the time because I am crazy like that. I do get sad on occasion and have other emotional episodes including drama because I am a girl, but I act like most normal types. My daughter would say I have stone face and resting bitch face. That applies to some situations. I like to laugh a lot. Life is good.

3-If only I had a crystal ball...

2) Why do you defend cops when you know they are moving toward a police state right now?

That is a loaded question, isn't it?

I believe most cops are inherently good. It's funny how the media spins every move they make now into one end of the spectrum or the other which I think influences the public to one way or the other as well.  I am pretty much sick of it. Let's move on. Weed out the dirty cops. Get rid of them. But most are good. Don't give them all a blanket party. As far as police state? Bwahahaha. Don't make me laugh. You people don't even know what a police state is. Yes, I said, "you people" which is only directed at those liberals who think we have a police state with our law enforcement. I wish the cops could be left alone to do their jobs. Right now they are under a microscope. Perhaps this is warranted with the way the world has changed and if they are doing their job and by the rules, no worries. Right? Wrong...because they still get criticized. Society as a whole doesn't just chew off the top layer, they want the officer naked. It is to the point, I think many forget they are human beings in a uniform...no perfect robots walking black and white with no grey matter. Grey matter is sewer, but in this case I am referring to those cases where there is no black and white answer or solution. I suggest attending a citizen's academy or some law enforcement event. Get to know your community instead of being on the sidelines. I could go on, but why bore you on a Monday?

3) Where is that book review you promised?

Yes, it is soon. Patience, grasshopper. 

Honk A Boy

A little this and that and a round of crazy. Actually, crazy is my circle of life. That's my life. Welcome to Crazytown. Who wants normal? Those boring people.

I was excited to make a fast run to Minnesota to see my family. I learned they are doing well and I miss them very  much...to a point, in fact, I wanted to be there longer. Sometimes I think I should live there, then it gets windy. I don't mind the cold and snow. I don't miss the wind.

However, school and college life called us back home. Dang jobs and schools.

I discovered my mother is somewhat of a rebel. When I went into her laundry room, I noticed a pellet gun and pellets just sitting out there like she was a thug. Apparently, she shoots out the back quite often at starlings and pesky birds which disrupt her song bird watching. Now...never mind it is illegal in the city limits, but straight up starling genocide. She laughed at my lecture as did my brother who got her started on this hobby. I guess it will keep her young at heart. Yes, I am kin to the Clampetts in case you were wondering.

My child's mind is going in strange directions. For instance, last night she quizzed me on how puppies behave.

BUG: Mom, the puppy is mean to Moose. He runs up to him, bites his pee pee...like honk...and runs away. Why would Moose just lay there? Doesn't it hurt him?

ME: Well, maybe he likes to be honked.

BUG: Mom, that is so gross. Really, be serious. Why would he not get mad or cry because it hurts.

ME: Honey, it goes like this. Men like to play honk and run. The world has people with left brain and right brain thinkers. On top of that...men have a top brain where the left and right thinking occurs and a bottom brain. Girls only have a top brain unless they were a man who becomes a woman...you know, dude looks like a lady...or they have an operation..which I think technically...would they have the bottom brain disconnected? I don't know. It is complicated. Well, anyway...that is out of the box. So, Moose is thinking with his bottom brain and that is why he likes it. 

BUG: I don't get it. Men don't have a bottom brain. And how could anyone think with a bottom brain? You mean the penis has a brain? Ew. Gross. It thinks?

ME: Well, they do. Men often walk around life penis first. Boys like it when girls play honk and run. It is naughty, but the boys like it. But I don't ever want you to honk a boy.

BUG: Oh, nasty, Mom. You are sick. 

ME: Ok. This is getting weird and uncomfortable for mommy.  I don't even understand where this conversation is going. Let's just watch the puppies play. This will all make more sense when you are older. 

In other news...non-penis related...my sleep pattern was going well until last night...

I don't remember any of this except the 4:50 am get up and pee the dogs episode. I got home very late after driving 9 hours on a 5 hour road trip due to in-climate weather. Let me just say...idiots who cannot drive on snow and ice should not be on the road. This would include the too slow and the too fast. I got a little road rage last night which carried over this morning on the way to work. )&#Y$()*&#)$(*#(*#@$& I think my blood pressure was sky high. Beat me.

Also it is good to note that speed limit signs in Chicago are guidelines... 55 miles per hour means 80. 

Photo credit: Pinterest

I think I am digressing backward into my twenties; not the looks, but the attitude and lack of patience. Perhaps I need some range time. It has been entirely too long.

I did see American Sniper by myself. I would recommend it. It was a good movie. I didn't get all hyped up about the fake baby scene. It didn't ruin the movie. Did I notice? Yes. I also noticed the real baby they used was an ugly thing...poor baby. Really, it was. Not attractive. And I love babies. At a distance. Or someone eles's. Anystars, go see it. At the end, when the credits rolled and the movie was obviously over...no one moved. It was silent. We all sat there and tried to absorb what we just saw. Then slowly people started to get up. It had an impact. And would it surprise you that Piers Morgan slammed Michael Moore and Seth Rogen, stating Chris Kyle was a hero.

Yes, I almost ran naked in the street in disbelief.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Mental Funk Junk

Life of Meh and melancholy continues. Even though I am in a mental junk funk, I have been going according to plan for marathon training. Exercise is the most underutilized anti-depressant and attitude adjustment drug.

You see, I would get into a relationship with you, but the way my gym schedule is set up...

It is a different world training inside for most of the winter versus running in the open air and views of the country. It's a forced issue for me to run inside. Once I get to the gym, I start to ease up on the brakes. It would be easy to deter me right now and lure me from the gym by using shiny things. Or wine.

In between running (or fat jogging), I am doing some strength training and Piloxing. Strange exercise, but I love it. I embrace the weird.

Photo credit: Pinterest

It brings my attitude up during lunch.    Intertwined in my schedule after work are a couple of Bootcamp classes. Love the university benefits. Normally, on my budget and income, I would not be able to afford these classes or opportunities. Grateful note. I am thankful.

On the eat lean poop green plan, I have become accustomed to all the fresh food. So what happens? Disaster struck around noon yesterday. I took a friend out to lunch for her birthday. She picked Fazoli's. Cue hate mail, but I do not like their food. It's too heavy and greasy.

Hakuna Matata.

Well, I accommodated her since it was her choice. The bathroom accommodated me for the rest of the afternoon. Like a rock it sat until it came out at rocket speed. I know, TMI. Again. I share.

Miserable, I was. Now I hate the place.

Today is a new day and minus any butt explosions, it looks grand outside! I have issues with my wardrobe, however. I need a hairbrush to alleviate the chaffing and irritation done by my tight jeans. It's like a yeast infection minus the jizz.

This is how these jeans roll...too big in the waist...JLO booty just right...ride up the crotch...butt crack moments of bliss at bends. Who the hell creates jeans? Do they know how a woman is built? Maybe I need to go to the JLO big booty section where Meghan Traynor, Nicki Minaj, and Mary J Blige shop. They have nice booties. Mine is just big. Just observations.

So, this creates those problems such as the sneak and pull, corner yank, and thigh slide. To describe, you are walking as the seam is riding up your hoohah creating discomfort. It is an immediate release problem. It does look offensive in public so it must be done with slight moves. You can also do the shake and walk, but you look like a dink. It is imperative to be stealth about digging garments out of the va-jay-jay. You have to have class. Women are not like men where we grab our junk in front of God and everyone. Spanks might work to create a crawling barrier, but then you are sucked in and the furnace does not get vented. It is important to keep it vented and dry. Humidity-bad.

In other news...my office manager had never heard of snow shoeing. So I had to show her via Google. Result-turned up nose and "why would anyone want to do that? That is too much work."

*head desk*

Also I am learned: new Indiana words:

manase: spelled m-a-y-o-n-n-a-i-s-e

noun-salad dressing, white jizz whiz which goes on sammiches

cran: spelled c-r-a-y-o-n

noun- a wax art instrument in various colors.

drawling: spelled d-r-a-w-i-n-g
  1. 1.
    a picture or diagram made with a pencil, pen, or crayon rather than paint, especially one drawn in monochrome.
    "a series of charcoal drawings on white paper"
  2. 2.
    the selection of a winner or winners in a lottery or raffle.
    "entrants need not be present at the drawing"
    synonyms:rafflelottery, sweepstake, sweepballotlotto
    "she won the Christmas drawing"

  3. Have a Happy Friday! I'm gonna go dig the drawlers out of my hoohah in the most discrete manure, Indiana style.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Life Of Meh

Life is a story. Mine is somewhat thriller, suspense, comedy, and lots of drama. Not sure what they call that category of entertainment,  but it has plot twists.

The latest in the eat clean, poop green lifestyle changes have been leaving me very blah feeling. Trying to consume the recommended water allotment is making me feel like Humpty Dumpty minus the wall. Raspberries are my favorite but seem to leave me with diarrhea explosions. (I know TMI). I won two months free membership to the local CrossFit gym in town through my university's working well program. I am eager to meet some new people and most of the them are cops and firemen, so maybe I can relate. Perhaps they will also push me to lose this extra weight I have accumulated. 

Sleep is strange...

Sometimes I wake up feeling like I am at home and other times I feel like I don't belong where I am. Did you ever go through those episodes in life? 

I have a happy kiddo and happy dogs. My house if full of joy. I love my house, just not sure this is the location where I am supposed to be in life. Maybe it is temporary. I don't know where the road of life is going to take me next. You think you plan it out...then whammo. 

My awkward feelings could be a combination of relating to people around me. 

Photo credit: Pinterest

Part of me wants to be in Minnesota with my family and also wanting to be in Wyoming, wanting the fairy tale. Reality then sets in and you can't turn back time, only plod forward. Bug even asked me the other day if I could turn back time, what would I do differently? That is a loaded question. I didn't answer it.

How about that State of the Union address? I didn't watch it. I figured it will be misery as usual and just went out and bought another jar of Vaseline. I clicked on for two seconds, saw Obama's extremely long pauses, hated the clap (the disease of fake politicians enjoying a presidential address), and he looked orange. Hollywood make up artists failed him. It is the first speech I have missed. I refused to suffer through and watched Downton Abbey instead ON DEMAND. 

I was asked the other day if I miss cop work, a common occurrence about every three months. People are just curious like that. I suppose a lot of it has to do with the current events. I miss the fun, the nights, and the bizarre. I don't think it will be like that ever again and being a cop right now is like walking a tight rope. It is pretty much ruined for me. What I would like to do is some consulting on child crimes investigating procedures and multi-agency jurisdictional issues. No one really is interested. I see over and over again how many states suffer from good plans in process and really don't care to change even if it is a free change. Change is scary. I just never understood why you would not embrace getting better, especially at the price of nothing in order to save even one child. 

I am a difficult person, this I know. Maybe that is why I am alone.

Maybe I don't want to settle anymore. Maybe some things are just not good enough. 

People don't like to change nor do they want to do anything that might draw groans from a crowd or whispers. So they just stay miserable in place.  

I usually embraced changed, especially when I could see a different or positive outcome ahead. The change I did not enjoy was major life changes which were insecure or involved risk, but I still did them. Some worked out, some did not. Now, looking back...I am glad I am not afraid because if something detrimental happens, I just cry in my Wheaties and move on. 

So what do you do when you are on forward motion and everyone around you is pulling on your pants in the opposite direction or just refuse to join the direction you go and turn right? 

I just never had that attitude of "mediocre is fine" in law enforcement or anything, really, (except husbands), so I can't comprehend why anyone else would either. Mediocre sucks, especially in husbands. 

I didn't even settle for mediocre donuts.

Friday, January 16, 2015

My Name Is Jehezimiander. How Can I Help You?

Sometimes technology is my friend. Today it was not. I had to chat online with robots to fix a billing issue on my account with a utility company. It took 1.5 hours.

Here are the mystery guests I spoke to:


I imagine either they are foreigners or Americans impostoring goofy online names or robots. I am going to go with robots because the English was super proper.

I thought they were robots from India or Pakistan because there were super generous amounts of "please, thank you, I see, I understand your concerns."

I derive at the guesstimation because Indians and Pakistani are very gracious in the telephone solicitation biz and billing centers.

But they were slow robots. It was freaking ridiculous.

I miss real people.

The End.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Fake Hill People

I know I should not complain.

I know I should move if I complain so much about a state being backwards. It's just not in the cards right now. Most of the state is great and I have some wonderful friends. There are these little doses of DUFAQ which befuddle me.

Today started out with a big pothole in the road of life with the house being very cold (61) and the heater is now blowing cold air and struggling to do anything. FMITA.

I go to work.

I get here.

The office manager can tell I am in a funk, so I start to unload after the question is posed, nice someone cared enough for me to vent. Of course, the conversation turns off my problems momentarily when she tells me she woke up to no electricity then talks of an ice storm of 1814 or something. The university never closed despite only one building on campus operating with electricity and heat, also dual purposing itself to housing stranded workers who have no water, heat, or electricity at home. I mean, dufaq?

First, I didn't get to unload my problems. It is no fun when someone acts interested or asks you a question and run over the top of you with their own agenda. Why bother asking me? Drat the offer of nice greetings turned into all about someone else.

Second, dufaq? This university is messed up. I believe that would warrant closing. Just last year the university panicked and closed for two days, then made all the students, workers, and faculty make up the days, citing the legislature made them. The representatives and senators made a public announcement that there were no such rules and had no idea what our university was talking about. It is not uncommon for the university peeps not to know the rules and regs of schooling. So weird.

Thirdly, then the story drones on and she talks about how she got up and had to put a toboggan on her head. I literally, out loud said, "What the fuck are you putting a sled on your head for?" I was really puzzled and I thought she had lost her mind. She says, "Yeah, a toboggan, and then I go out to the living room..."

I am still in the "what the fuck mode" of trying to comprehend wearing a sled on your head.I can't think further. My mind stopped.  I repeated my question. She got mad and charaded (that is a word) me. After charades were done where I figured out what she was talking about, I calmly said while having a Fargo snarl, "You mean a hat, a winter hat?" She said, "Yeah, a toboggan." I'm like...(in my mind of course, because three times surely would have made her cry and she was mad I was looking at her like she was an idiot as it was) a toboggan is a fucking sled and hat is hat. I mean who can't say hat? Dufaq?"

Really, people. It's not even an alternative use of the word. 

"I'm going to ride my hat down the hill." See, it doesn't work and only makes you sound like you are on meth or in some sort of psychosis.

Can people not learn how to speak English the right way? The right way. Wait. That's hypocritical of me since I make up new words all the time (see above: charaded=when someone speaks to you in pictures) Pot calling the kettle black. 

You know, it's my blog. I will rant about the weirdness of this conversation. I love my friends. However, I am seriously having issues with this jargon of Indiana. There are no hills here, so they have to come up with some other way to define themselves. Fake hill people anyway.

Update. In defense of "anonymous"...the SLANG word was entered online by someone down south as: 

Real dictionaries do not behold this definition. Why? Because it is a SLED. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

It's Damn Good Police Work, You Namby Pambies!

I have a stick in my craw. Always hated that little quip because although craw is a stomach or insect, it sounds like butt or crotch and, by golly, that's gotta hurt. Or at least be "durned" uncomfortable. My stick is the way things are twisted these days. The GunDiva posted a diddy on PC and microaggressions yesterday I found interesting. Candy asses. Now that is a word of the future: microaggressions. Dufaq, you say! 

Let me have Wikipedia define it for you because all things are true on there: "Micro-aggression is a form of "unintended discrimination". It is depicted by the use of known social norms of behavior and/or expression that, while without conscious choice of the user, has the same effect as conscious, intended discrimination. "

Well, my aggression is macro because I go big or go home. Really, I have no intent to ponder that theory, I just found it interesting the world is dissecting every word we say and all of it or some of it is going to offend some daisy out there. Well, sue me. You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. 

What is "aggressing" my craw is the media spinning a good thing into a bad word which sparks everyone around you to shush you when it is uttered: PROFILING.

Profiling is just damn good police work, you namby pambies. 

Photo credit: Pinterest

Let me direct you to Google for this definition: "the recording and analysis of a person's psychological and behavioral characteristics, so as to assess or predict their capabilities in a certain sphere or to assist in identifying a particular subgroup of people."

Oh, and I found a ditty on the definition of "profiling" from Urban Dictionary which shows what dopes they really are: "Basically stereotyping for police. It's when an officer think a person is committing some sort of crime simply because they are of a certain race, culture, etc. And as Ron White would say it, it is wrong.They pulled me over, but they were stopping everyone on that sidewalk, and that's profiling, and that's wrong."

All I can say is the dudes behind Urban Dictionary are just dingbats and have no clue about word verbage and their definition would more likely fit "racial profiling",  a much different term.

Raise your attention to all alarmists! The police are coming! The police are coming! 

(jazz hands and chicken dance, circling in panic)

Photo credit: Pinterest

So if I was walking late at night or jogging (great cover for a burglar casing a joint), and got stopped by police, I would have no problems with that and comply. Why? I have nothing to fear, it is not considered a burden to me, and I have done nothing wrong. Would I consider it harassment? No. Maybe I am alone in that line of thinking.

I would appreciate it in my neighborhood. I would also appreciate them checking to see if I was alright. After all, I did a lot of that during in-climate weather or odd hours of the evening. Unfortunately, you often discover victims of violent crime, domestic violence, or homelessness as well. Yes, all persons are checked for warrants and I logged their information. It was very helpful at times when our logs would assist during armed robberies or we just so happened to cross a fleeing suspect and did not know it until later. However, that intelligence was revisited and we were able to locate the persons to recontact and arrest. Those are just some examples. The police are not the enemy, however, it seems like the media want to portray them this way.  Especially, with recent events, the police are under fire from all different sides, even their friends. 

I digress.

Let me add in that racial profiling does not count white people. Why? Because in the color wheel, white is not a color. White is the absence of color. It is also considered a shade in the art world. So racial...just means "people of color." Let's say you are a white dude targeted in Chinatown communities...say of L.A. or the Projects of Detroit or Chicago. If you are white and targeted by police because you look out of place (white person roaming around in a different cultural neighborhood)...it is still not racial profiling. It does not apply to white people. OK. Point made. Hey...it's not my definition.

Let me get your awareness modules up by showing you the ACLU version of  their definition of "racial profiling":"Racial profiling is a longstanding and deeply troubling national problem despite claims that the United States has entered a "post-racial era." It occurs every day, in cities and towns across the country, when law enforcement and private security target people of color for humiliating and often frightening detentions, interrogations, and searches without evidence of criminal activity and based on perceived race, ethnicity, national origin or religion. Racial profiling is patently illegal, violating the Constitution's core promises of equal protection under the law to all and freedom from unreasonable searches and seizures. Just as importantly, racial profiling is ineffective. It alienates communities from law enforcement, hinders community policing efforts, and causes law enforcement to lose credibility and trust among the people they are sworn to protect and serve."

I have to agree with Sunil Dutta who said this in an article: "True racial profiling, in which people are targeted solely because of race or ethnicity, is both illegal and immoral. It destroys public trust and reduces the effectiveness of the police. There is no place for it in law enforcement. "

Add a word "racial" in front of it and it becomes a big  no-no. It is wrong to target someone solely based upon the color of their skin. That's not what I'm talking about. 

I mean to speak of the times an office is patrolling his/her area and looks around...notices odd behavior, one thing doesn't look like the other, persons walking around late at night, or that one car when you glance and you go...hmm..."probably up to no good". It also sets well in the hearts of veteran cops to know when you observe things in your area, you can pick out those dealer cars, those vandals, robbers on their way to robbing, etc. Isn't that something all of America would like? 

Communities United For Police Reform say this:  “Stop and frisk” and other discriminatory policing practices have spiraled out of control."

So what do officers do? 

What is profiling, really? And how do officers stop doing it? Should they stop doing it?

They watch, they surveil. 

Profiling all by itself with no adjective,  is made up  of observations combined with street knowledge, emotional intelligence, and situational awareness. It helps to add in years of experience on the job and time in a certain area, recognizing crime patterns and target places. Then you have a good Fox Moldy and a Danish Scully officer who really has some substance. 

But we are told this is bad?

If the person commits a traffic infraction, police might use that opportunity to get some Intel, pull them over. Perhaps they just let the bad guy know they are there, give them a warning and let them go on their way. Maybe...maybe...they smell drugs in the car. Or better yet, the person has a warrant. 

What about the person walking down the street at 3:00 AM?

Duh. "It's the witching hour, let them thar warlocks go on their way, stop at Mini Mart, and get  a cup of coffee. But any other times, it is good to stop and chat 'em up." 

No not really. You contact them. It isn't harassment. It's damn good police work.

Most of the contacts are just that...a simple and brief contact...perhaps offer assistance... and you wish the person a good day or evening or safe travels. WHAT IS THE BIG FAT HARRY DEAL?

Sure, you have issues when the police go over the scope, harass, act like assholes on every contact, shake up the town, and go beyond legalities to push too far. I get that. Those are bad things. But the every day regular Joe Cop isn't a bad guy nor does he need disciplined because he follows the rules. Rules of police work work properly if followed correctly. Say that five times fast. And good cops prevail. 

So what now?

Or add in the new language...we now have categories..."criminal profiling" versus "racial profiling".  Oh, and the little old ladies book club applauds and  thinks "criminal profiling" is OK because the word "criminal" makes it worthy.  

Can we just stop with the semantics and word juggling all the damn time? PC is getting ridiculous and everyone is now transparently thin-skinned. Or do we have to be that specific?

I am just worn out with the blanket parties of people thinking "police" is a dirty word. 

I also despise the PC takeover and reformation of dumb things by Namby Pambies. Stop it. 

Trite. That's a word.

Focus on things that matter. Oh, and by the way, most police organizations have asked for reform for years in the form of training and equipment. It just takes money. Now it's someone else's great idea and the FEDs will throw money at them. Hopefully, they will not come up with overly mandated programs with under funding. Again. 

Also...to prevent bad cops...it takes great leaders and role model examples in several positions. 

Basically, leaders...get your balls out of your purse.