Have you ever been stuck in time?
I mean, right now...I have all these plans of grandeur, but no money and no time. Then I have time but no money. Then...yeah. That's pretty much it. It stops there.
I have never before felt limited. Or looking blandly upon my future. It kind of saddens me. And yes, I do realize, this too, shall pass.
There is no assistance for grad school, so I have to really sit down in the next two months and figure that one out. I already have three jobs. I can't take away from Bug any more. I have been looking for a new, better paying job, but I am limited to this area right now. I am going to keep trying. The boss is going to ask for a raise again, but I am not getting my hopes up.
I don't think money is everything. I think it is nice to be secure, though, and being on both ends of the stick, I really miss the days where I could go buy toilet paper on any given day and not budget for it. However, on the flip side, I can squeeze $20.00 out of a dollar.
I miss police work now more than ever and that might be due to me feeling better. There is no ambition to write any more books and frankly the last book did so poorly that it isn't worth the effort. Just to keep my mind into it, I am rewriting the first book, but I really have no idea why. LOL. Wyoming also calls my name and I can't return. So, for some reason I am supposed to be here.
The other day a man told me I was driven and too intimidating to be with any man. He said I was "intense" and "strong." He did not mean physically, I am sure. LOL. He added my "looks" will attract people and then when they find out how driven and active I am, it scares people. I just thought I was normal. I clean house, I am a mom. I have dogs. I go to work. I workout. Nothing special. Sometimes I even decide to dust.
No, I wasn't dating this person. Why? Because I don't want to and I am not interested in him. This was just two people having a conversation that he brought up by saying, "You are intense. You just set out to do what you want to accomplish."
It was an observation a man made out loud. He said he was attracted to me at first but not anymore because of how I am. I go and do and have so much ambition and energy. Wow. That was not something he needed to share. It kind of hit me right in the gut. Not his attraction part, the part where he said I drive people away. And I don't feel I am that driven or intense to scare people. Like I said, sometimes I don't dust.I can even name some of the dust bunnies in my house.
I feel like I am a slug and need to get back at it with all things. I don't really know how to process that. I am who I am. It seems to be a pattern of feedback I am receiving as of late. So do I pay attention or do I file it in the folder of weak comments?
And I have been getting bombarded by people who mock my organic lifestyle now. I expected it and that is all something easy to handle. Who cares? But-it is just another one of those things I notice and file on the shelf. Sheriff Mike is one of them as are some friends at work. I don't talk about it or brag..I just do. I am doing what I am told by my doctor. That's about it. So far, I feel fantastic. I have to refuse many things and somehow that portrays me as a weirdo.
In conference with the doctors (orthopedic and family physician), we observed how much muscle mass I lost over this time period. That part really bothered me and continues today when I see progress one way but not another. I hope it will come and I will have strong legs again. My arms are pretty shot from my rotator cuffs so they might have some strange muscle configurations, but I just want them to work and look healthy. If that makes any sense. I'm no Barbie doll.
Perhaps it is just a melancholy time of year. Maybe I should consult with the stars and see how they are aligned. Rain does not depress me, so I know it is not that. It makes things grow and allows me to take peaceful naps.
Ok. I need to get off this cantaloupe train and back into the B12 crack of my life. Onward ho!
Um. The other kind of ho. Not a garden tool either. That is spelled hoe. The non-slut kind.
Ho is used to express joy and not the joy of sex. Land ho! Or onward ho! It is joy of a destination or placeholder or an urge. Again, no sexual urges. LOL
Get your mind out of the gutter.