"Behind that glass, people are watching. They are watching me break you."
"Oh, yeah? Who? Who is interested?"
"In watching this? Is it going to get to WWE style? I know some moves."
"It doesn't matter, Fargo. What matters is when you go out in public."
I did not get any of this. Was he trying to make me poo my pants? Was it a threat? He was going to "break" me? Well, he was no top cop. I found it amusing. This was a front row seat to pure entertainment. Maybe I was going to get, shudder, "brainwashed."
I had to stay to find out.
Well, I had to stay anyway because they were making me.
"Fargo, please address the issues at hand in which I present to you. Law abiding citizens, armed with concealed weapons are too often turning what would otherwise be unpleasant but not catastrophic events such as fender-benders and commuting hassles into tragedies."
"Should I put a stamp on it?"
"It's stupid. Probably made by a stupid senator."
The Chairman was shaking his head and his face was red like Grandma's beet pickles. Actually, those were more a pretty magenta color, but nonetheless, he was a new color.
"Is this an epidemic I have not been aware of? Where is this happening? Like all over?"
"Is it in the water? We should filter it!"
"Miz Fargo, you are trying your patience."
"You mean your patience."
"Yes. That's what I said."
"You are trying my patience!!!"
"Yes, Mr. Chairman. I tried it. I found it to be short."
"Could we be serious? What about guns crossing state lines?"
"They are? When did they become mobile like that?"
He was not amused.
"Mr. Chairman, who cares? Who cares if guns cross state lines? Is it a crime? Can I not take my rifle to the west when I go deer hunting? Can I not take my handgun to my mom's house for protection? Why not?"
"Those guns might be used for bad purposes. Someone might steal them."
"Really? This is an epidemic?"
The door banged open and in stomped a man who looked like he was from Illinois.
"Mis Fargo, when the equivalent of an entire classroom of kids is killed by gun violence, it underscores the need for common sense, effective gun safety measures that respond to the level of violence in our communities."
"Mr. Illinois, what gun safety measure would prevent someone from killing others in a classroom?"
"Uh, well, I have many in mind. Take big guns away and make it mandatory to register them all. Acknowledging that gun ownership is a basic right does not absolve us from the constitutional and moral responsibility to protect innocent children. What do you think of that?"
"Miz Fargo? I am engaging you in a discussion of these matters."
"I'm trying to process all that."
"I can't make sense of it. How would have taking "big" guns away-which I don't know what size you mean- or making a mandatory registration have prevented Sandy Hook? Or Columbine? I have no idea what you mean by gun ownership being a basic right would take away from any innocent children."
Mr. Illinois slammed his fist on the table.
I didn't flinch. I might have blinked only because it was a natural reflex.
"She's impossible! Defiant! Ignorant!"
He stormed out. Mr. Chairman leaned in.
"You're pissing off the wrong people, Fargo."
"What? That guy? He is a weenie. First of all, I'm not scared. If you feel you need to threaten me or to take my crayons away so you can have the best art, then go for it. But what you propose makes no sense. How do you expect to change the country when you make laws which do nothing to fix the problems of broken people, bad choices, disconnected citizens? We are a sick nation."
"Indeed. That's what I'm saying. All these gun toting weirdos everywhere."
"Where are they? Show me. Right now. Let's go outside."
My first inkling outside would be to run away, but this was too much fun.
"Nice try, Fargo. Distract me so you can run away. Bob, bring in Nita."
A brunette lady dressed in a very expensive suit came into the room. She looked like my 2nd grade teacher. I suspected she was one of THEM. She nodded. The light got dimmer. Ooo...it was about to get real.
"Miz Fargo, in these gun travesties-either the laws aren't sufficient or the laws were broken."
"DID YOU HEAR ME!?!"
"Well, what? That was a statement of your opinion, not a question."
She screamed. I was taken aback by that. It reminded me of Bug's tantrums.
"Well, ma'am. Ok. If you say so."
Just then two blond ladies entered.
"Let me handle her. Guns kill. And those who glamorize gun play or worship gun ownership do no service to humanity. What now, Miz Fargo?"
"Well, ma'am, I worship Jesus. I do not bedazzle my guns, but if people want to do that, I guess that is OK. I don't see the problem there. Sometimes I wear pink on the range. Is that glamorous? And who is playing with guns? They should be taught some firearms safety immediately. Oh, and guns don't just fire ammo into people all willy nilly by themselves. Usually...it's a finger's fault. Attached to a HU-MAN. Maybe if you cut off every one's hands, we can all be safe. Now that's an idea fitting to a liberal."
"Carolyn. She is former police. Let me handle this conversation." The other blond turned to me. "Miz Fargo, I have always supported law enforcement having access to all of the information they need to keep us safe, fight against gun violence and keep guns out of the hands of criminals."
"Thank you, ma'am. I like your jacket."
"Oh, thank you. It's Talbot's. I got it at a good price."
"Ma'am, I could have used you on the force, because I know a few criminals who got guns. So how do you keep them out of criminal hands? They don't care about rules."
"The availability of guns to children, felons, and the mentally unstable individuals is a major problem. It's atrocious."
"Define atrocious? I think one gun in the hands of a felon is atrocious. I think children should be taught firearms safety and should practice with a responsible adult. What is defined as mentally unstable? A little crazy or full on cray-cray?"
"Miz Fargo. Don't be difficult."
"I didn't think I was. Is someone advocating the sale on the corner to these groups? Where? Are they handing them out? Are they in vending machines? 'Cause that would be interesting. Probably in one of those western states."
"Miz Fargo, could you please be serious. No one likes a smartass."
"Have you been talking to my dad?"
"Well, because he has passed away and if you can talk to him, I might need a private session with you. He used to say that all the time to me. How much for a reading?"
"See? See what I am saying, Mr. Chairman?" She turned back to me, "All you gun weirdos are the same. Fuck!"
"Wow. Simmer down, fireball. Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean you need to poop in the sand box. Are you going to discard the 4th Amendment, label sickos, and lock up children in a closet until they are 18 to make sure NO tragedies happen? What is the number of these violators and tragic cases compared to the non-troublesome people? Is everyone running amok? Why don't you advocate knowledge and truth for a change? What about education for everyone? For our youth? Give out more free gun locks? How are you going to make people use them? Be responsible? What about real penalties for criminals? These are questions I want answered. You're the ones who let them out to have a second chance...third, fourth, fifth...or wait...you just give them probation. Apparently Americans are too dumb to figure it out without you taking away their freedoms. Why don't you make houses all the same? Work on urban development? Why don't you provide viable jobs for everyone?"
"Miz Fargo, you are getting off track."
"No off road driving? How do you expect good ideas to come to fruition? That's how cowboys decided where the best places was to put roads. "
Her fist hit the wall. I was glad it was not my face. I think she had been working out.
"I don't think your ideas are good."
"Why? It's no secret that economic boosts in the nation make for a lower crime rate. Lower crime rate helps morale, helps mental well-being. Heck. I would stop working the corner if you did that for me."
They rolled their eyes. The Chairman escorted the ladies out.
"Miz Fargo. Congress must act to close the gun show loop hole. We must protect people from these trades and sales of semi-automatic weapons. There are gaping holes in our gun laws. Virginia Tech should not be forgotten."
"So you are going to require all those people at gun shows to have an FFL? Do background checks? What gaping holes in the gun laws are you going to plug? Which laws? Which new laws are you going to propose?"
"Uh, I'm working on it. Nothing formal yet."
"Well, Mr. Chairman, I would really like to know your proposals in detail."
"Miz Fargo, I believe the M & M's have arrived."
"You were just stalling with those silly questions, weren't you, Mr. Chairman?"
Some of these topics were taken from conversations, speeches, debates, or media recordings...all stated by the top gun control advocates in the nation. These are real issues being taken up about 2nd Amendment rights, gun control, and laws.
n the equivalent of an entire classroom full of kids is killed by gun violence, it underscores the need for common-sense, effective gun safety measures that respond to the level of violence in our communities…Acknowledging that gun ownership is a basic right does not absolve us from the constitutional and moral responsibility to protect innocent children