Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Thursday, August 20, 2015

I'm A Bad Bass Fishergirl

I'm pretty sure I am going to lose my shit and the house and everything I own due to Oliver.  He keeps snatching up underwear and playing tug of war with it by inciting a riot with Murphy. This leads to rippage and destruction. And one pissed off Fargo. And my budget cannot handle another screaming teenager demanding another set of new underwear. I think I am about to go commando.

I'm dead serious.

Ok. I have to let that go. Talking about underwear brings up all those emotions when you see your cute dog wearing them on his head and bikinis now resemble a thong.

In other news...

I have had to go to the doctor twice. Like right now. They put me on steroids and I am not taking them unless I have a life and death attack from mosquitoes. They make my butt look big. The mosquito bite reactions keep getting worse. It's the strangest thing. The other day I looked like Elephant Man and now they are doing some things which make me think I am being injected with alien babies.

That actually would be brilliant if the aliens used mosquitoes that way.

Or our enemies with germ warfare.


I also have realized that bass fishing is not easy. Those bastards. They hide from me. I'm really good at catching trees and garbage. It's fucked up fishing.

What I do enjoy is getting used to this artificial, which I refer to as fake bait thingy. It's not even lures...which in Indiana they call it "lerrs." It might be a Norwegian thing. Do people know they named their kids Lars after fishing bait? I would really hate that if I were a kid.

So this fake bait. It's weird but kind of fun. I've got it down to a science now how to make those squiggly jigglies look like live critters. It's my finesse. Now I just have to figure out what the fuck they eat because it's not my squiggly jigglies. However, everyone else catches them with their fake bait. And I'm pretty sure that there is a piece to the puzzle I am missing. Maybe it's because at first I put things on that looked like real bait and then I started using the pretty ones. I mean seriously, how am I supposed to read a bass? Who would know that the damn things are picky. With trout it was flies and worms. Pretty basic...and they fight good.

Around here, these bass are heavy and pull but don't really fight hard like thrashing like a trout. They're just fat. It's like dragging fat bastard in from a donut binge. Except, I'm haven't caught anything lately.

But I still don't like it when they swim between my legs. It gives me the heebie jeebies.

So what am I going to do to improve my skills? Practice for one. Number 2 don't go to Dick's and ask them to help you because they set the girls up with the shit that doesn't sell.

And then cops laugh at you and you have to use a lot of fucks.

By the way, that store is appropriately named.

I even downloaded a book on how to read bass. Bend over. Yes, it is on my Kindle and was free. Why? Because I don't need any smart ass cops coming into my house and browsing my bookshelves and noticing any of that. Geesh.

And you guessed it...river fish act a lot alike...if they are in the teenager stage. Otherwise, it's anyone's guess.

I miss trout fishing.

But this is a challenge, so I will continue. I can say one thing...wow...there is a lot of litter and trash in the rivers around here and no one cleans it up. I was very grateful I didn't snag that tire, garbage can, and all those beer cans. It is really sickening. My complaints of the filth in the water landed on deaf ears. I think the cops around here think it's like conducting a search warrant. You never know what you might find. It makes me wonder what kind of fisherpeeps are out there being trashy slobs.

And it angers me. You don't want to piss off the Fargo. Just ask Oliver.

That's enough chaos and strange thoughts for the day.


Coffeypot said...

Judy gets just as upset when I run around the house with her panties in my mouth. The main difference is, when she is tugging on them, she is also slapping me, too.

MrGarabaldi said...

Hey Momma Fargo;

I suck at fishing......unless I can use explosives... I feel your pain....except for the mosquito bites ;)
Coffeypot...Man that is some funny stuff...

Old NFO said...

Helps to fish where there are actually fish... :-)

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
I don;t even want to know HOW Oliver gets the unmentionables...Must be something he "likes"...lol.
As to fishing?
(good reason to sit under a tree and have a brew..beats GOLF!)

Stay safe down there, dear.