Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Friday, October 9, 2015

Sh*tz Going Down Fo Real

Had to share this because I forgot about it until I was browsing for Throwback Thursday. It made me giggle. So here's a little Fargo going to the gutter. Enjoy!


This is the last post of the week. I  know, you are down on your knees thanking Jesus.

If you start at Saturday and work your way back to this one...you will see what I did during the 38 hours of no sleep...write about crap that happened and crap in a cop's brain and conversation crap in the car with the popo and conversation crap with my mother. That is two days too many of all about my crazy life. It was a long two days.

This conversation displays the sick twisted mind of cops when there is no criminal activity afoot, or acar...or ANYWHERE. And it might sound like a trucker convention. I'm sorry. LEPRESHAWN has a terrible potty mouth. It's the truth of the matter on this particular dialogue and all his others. Well, OK. I might have said occasional potty mouth as well.

At about 2:30 a.m. on Saturday morning...it slowed down. So because of this slowness, we were driving around blacked out and lurking...trying to catch a burglar...or anyone...anything...just something that moved in the night...

ME: [startled] Turn around. Did you see that?

LEPRESHAWN: No. What? Your fucking music was distracting me. See? I told you.

ME: Shut up. You are a damn woman.Turn around and go over by the fire department.


ME: [points]THAT.

LEPRESHAWN: Cheese and Rice! Fucking A! That is the biggest fucking raccoon. EVER!

ME: Try to run over it.

LEPRESHAWN: You are so sick. It would mess up the cruiser, you idiot.

ME: Well, just try. There are like a million of them under there in the sewer system.


Getting closer to the raccoon now running across the street.

ME: That is one big damn raccoon. [raccoon is about 50 pounds...no shit]

LEPRESHAWN: No shit. And fast. Look at him hump along.

ME: You missed him. Go back.

LEPRESHAWN: I am not going to run over him. He is too big.

ME: Look. He's stuck in the gutter over there. His fat ass is hanging out. Go back over there so I can poke him in the ass with my ASP. He will thank me for pushing him into his home. And wouldn't that be fun?

LEPRESHAWN: No. You are such a sick country girl. No way. He will back out and hiss at us and then we'll get fucking rabies.

ME: You are such a pussy. Aren't you a boy? Girls aren't even supposed to think about doing stuff like this. You should have come up with it.

LEPRESHAWN: Shut the fuck up. We're going to keep going. There is crime out there.

ME: [ignoring candy ass] We should all suit up in a rubber suit and totally go down there with shotguns. Wouldn't that be fun? I bet there are millions of them down there..hissing and being nasty gutter rats...and wouldn't it be fun to go down there with shotguns? Carnage.

LEPRESHAWN: No. Fuck NO! What is wrong with you? I'm getting Freddy Kruger situations going through my head. Who knows what sloths there at night...fuck! And none of us would probably come out alive. I mean, can you imagine how many are down there...for miles.

It's true that haunted houses fascinated me, rock climbing to a certain extent, creepy woods...did all that when I was younger. They still fascinate me but now I'm into serial killers and shit like that. It's a sick, sick thing in my brain. Probably because cops are adrenaline junkies...but me, I'm just curious.

ME: You are saying a lot of "fucks" in my car and I think you are over the limit. You are in the presence of a lady. Watch your mouth.

LEPRESHAWN: [rolls eyes while driving]

ME: Have you ever been in the sewer system looking for evidence?

LEPRESAWN: Fuck NO! And when has your sissy ass ever been down there.

ME: A guy threw a gun there once, but I had the water treatment plant guy go down there to get it. And he was gone a while, but I kept the spotlight down there for him. See how nice of me that was? It was a big deal. I still don't know what it looks like down there. I want to see it down there. Wonder if it's like the movies? I am not going down there alone without a rubber suit on, tho. We should go down there sometime. Wouldn't that be fun?

LEPRESHAWN: [rolls eyes] No.

ME: You are such a pussy. You didn't even say anything about my thousand "down theres". Geesh. Pay attention. Pussy.

LEPRESHAWN: Whatever. I don't want to end up on a milk carton or made into some horror movie.

ME: I think milk carton kids are out of style these days. But you are about the right size.

LEPRESHAWN: Shut the fuck up. I'm still not going down there. You don't even know what's down there. It's creepy. And it stinks. And who the hell knows what is down there.

ME: Maybe a mutant serial killer. I wonder if that's why they have a high turn over at Sanitation and the Water Treatment Plant...

LEPRESHAWN: Could be. Shit Plant Bob was creepy...remember him? [snorts and laughs really loud]

 He knows Shit Plant Bob stalked all the female police officers working at night a few years ago and got fired and my other girl cop friend and I really hated him...he was really creepy.

ME: Shut the fuck up.


Well Seasoned Fool said...

You are a sick, twisted woman. That is why I read your blog.

Coffeypot said...

As a kid I (we - my buddies and I) would shoot coons and opossums all the time. What else can a 10 or 12 year old shoot with a 22? Rats! Oh yeah, we had a horse barn and a tack barn in our back yard that was the home for rats. I could set on the back porch and shoot them as they ran across the yard for the woods. Then my 'hood was annexed into the city and the cops frowned on me shooting. Damn cops!