It sounds depressing. However, I am a positive person who always looks forward to bigger and better things. Except for the last three years, where my spirit has been crushed enough to stall it out. During the holiday season I was in a fog and funk which clouded my way.
It came to me at a party where some party goers had seen me on television. They said, "There are those whom exist in the uniform, dream, seek, and those who truly are the uniform. Then there are those who are beyond the uniform. Kathryn has been there and accomplished that." It was a collaborative effort of philosophy by drunks. I really didn't think I deserved those words, so I waved them off and wrinkled up my nose.
Perhaps, I feel insignificant because I have lost my identity as an officer. There are times I miss the job but more importantly I miss who I was. My cop friends still look at me and ask why I left because cops usually leave because of tragedy, scandal, or they are forced to resign. My reasons were none of those.
I have never been one to stand still. Nor have I ever accepted a below average or a mediocre life until now. Problem is I got nothing to move me upward. You have to have connections or money, or means to earn extra money. And right now I am just tired of fighting for everything. Just once it would be nice to have something easy. But that's not how I roll. I do admit I get weary and then kick my own ass and move forward until I hit a roadblock.
My character has been lost by the mellowing out and dissipation of cop life over the last three years. Deep down, the core of myself is still there. But I am a different person.
Is it a bad thing? No, I just think it is a transition that I am not coping with very well. So here I sit. I am about to go run. Why? Because running is about being better than you used to be. Because when I run, I can still hold onto a piece of me. And over time, maybe I will become a better me inside and out. It isn't about the physical benefits as much as it is about the mental.
Mental and physical toughness have left any need here and so I have a marshmallow brain. I need to find my inner guts again to restart my goal seeking drive for the next half century of my life. I cannot go out like a lamb. There are days I feel lost. I sure miss Smoky and Otis because around them...I didn't have to be tough or put up a front. I was just me and they made me better. Yes, they are only animals. Only those who have bonded with one in a crisis would get it.
Smoky saved my life as we slid over a ledge in the Shoshone National Forrest in 2003. He knew we were in trouble and according to instinct, he drove upwards until he landed on stable ground. I was only holding on by the horn with one foot caught in the stirrup.
With Otis, it was his determination and drive as a Search and Rescue dog which inspired me. Otis never stopped. I felt I could not either. In the wilderness on Smokey's back or clinging to Otis while he was dragging me through cold Rocky Mountain snow runoff, it was there that they built my character. Trust was just understood between us.
Now all I have are memories and running. This is what it must feel like to be Forrest Gump.