Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

FMITA Moments By Fargo

Last night I almost got swallowed up by a phenomenon. That is a lot of consonants followed by some vowels followed by more consonants. First, I must preface this that it was a dark and stormy night with 60 degree weather and pouring rain and cemeteries and no visibility on the roadway.


Going to a school function in a nearby town, I drove balls to the walls because I got off work late. As I drove toward the town, I was receiving texts that I was about to miss the event.

"I'm going to make it! I'm going to make it!"

Moms and dads beware, Fargo is en route, mach 12. I kept driving and my anxiety level was escalating with each moment.

When I arrived in the town which was an average population small town, my cell phone lost service and my GPS quit working. I shit you not. It was straight out of a damn horror show.

To top that, only two businesses were open...a small grocery and a pizza joint. No one was in the pizza joint, but maybe they were out back smoking. I didn't have time. I saw the carry out boy in the parking lot of the grocery and hustled to his side. Well, I drove like an asshole and slid to a stop. To the lady's horror, there I was. She was a fat customer, about 30 getting assistance from a carry out boy who resembled Harry Potter's mother mating with the Schwan man. They did not smile.

Literally, no one was milling around in town. Ok, so it was pouring rain. That might explain it.

"Excuse me, sir, could you direct me to the high school?" I asked with a desperate smile. He looked at me like I was an alien.

But he gave me directions to go way down there and turn a right on Raider Road and go way down that road and turn left. Well, I went miles, couldn't find a Raider Road, ran into farms and many cemeteries and got hell bent. Cell phone and GPS still were not working to my panic and demise. I drove around and around, finally reaching cell service on a hill in fucking nowhere. I have parents on speed dial. It's the school way now. I am actually sociable. Somewhat. But distant. I sniffled and sounded like a freak, but explained my dilemma. Boy, did I sound like a freak.

To my dismay, no one could give me directions and only found the school by happenstance. Well, fuck me in the ass. I got off the phone and screamed. This was really stupid. I made up new curse words.  A grown adult lost in Area 51, screaming in her car, no cell service, and no GPS. Picture that.

I mean my car fell off the screen and the voices stopped and there were no roads. The yellow arrow was in a field of black. I should have taken a picture of the GPS screen. If I left the hill, I would have no communication with real people. Ever again. I was certain.

I was certain I was being set up to be serial killer bait.

Ima Gonna Killa Bitch

I had to drive back to the desolate and empty town. Fifteen minutes later, I tried the pizza place screaming in the back for some assistance. Startled, a pizza dude came out and helped me. He was quite nice. His directions were spot on.

Apparently, 3rd street was Raider Road. Well, fuck me in the ass. Who would know? There weren't even any signs pointing to a school. Taking 3rd street, I reached an intersection where the school sat... 2.4 miles later. Did it ever dawn on the makers of this building to put school signs along the way if they were going to put it in butt fuck Egypt? No. Why? Because that would make sense. Or why not extend the 3rd Street name for the next 2.4 miles so people don't get confused. Streets should not turn into roads. Just saying.

I need to be an urban planner. I could really straighten up this mess for dummies.

To top it off, I found out if my GPS hadn't taken me on a ghetto Garmin cruise, I could have reached the school by back way in 20 minutes on a new highway, bypassing Creepytown.

I didn't make it. I arrived for the last 10 minutes.

I really am trying to be a good mom. I don't know if I am going to be able to hack it.


Tennessee Grammie said...

Rule # 1 - when I have to be somewhere I don't know, I ALWAYS print out a map and directions and take it with me. Because GPS and cell phones are built by humans and 90% of the time don't work in the mountains or creepy towns in bad weather. just sayin'.

Rule # 2 - No matter whom you stop and ask directions, they will NOT give them to you in language that is helpful; and the street signs are hidden or were knocked down years ago. "Go down to Brown's Mill, turn right and past McGee's Hardware turn left." Brown's Mill burned down in 1937 but EVERYBODY knows where it was; McGee's Hardware became a Pigly Wigly 20 years ago but no one calls it that.

If you think it's bad where you live, just wait until you drive in the south...

Coffeypot said...

First of all, get a real gps and not the gps on the phone. Secondly, leave the work and go. Family is more important than that last piece of paper or what ever it was that kept you late. If you have to have it, come back after the function. Otherwise, sell bug to East Asians and live the free life.

Momma Fargo said...

Tennessee Grammie...yes, me coppers say the same thing. I didn't think of it going out the door. The directions were nothing like the south. They were worse.

Coffeypot, I had a cell phone and a GPS device separate from my phone. I might have to sell the bug. Sigh. LOL

John said...

My wife and I were at Jim Thorpe PA some years ago over Halloween.
Late in the day we had wandered up to the cemetery and were saying hello to the veterans.
We left the cemetery and a young lady pushing a baby carriage suggested we visit the "ruins" just down the hill.
As we were walking towards the "ruins" we looked at each other and said "horror movie!"

Stand alone GPS.

I think the worst person to get directions from is a local. My wife and I have lived here thirty one years, and though we know where everything is, we have long ago forgotten the street names.

Momma Fargo said...

John, so glad to hear I am not the only one. LOL. I know how to get around the entire state of Wyoming without a GPS...even in Egypt and the wild frontier. However, put me in with population and boy, what a mess. I am used to following the ways of the cows not the corn.

Well Seasoned Fool said...

A former LEO getting lost? Show me shocked!

Dee said...

This post brought back memories of trying to find my step-son's ballgames. LOL Good post!

Momma Fargo said...

WSF, yes, it is true. Be very afraid. LOL. Or be glad I'm not a cop anymore.

Dee, Oh...I am so glad there are more of us out there. LOL

Bob G. said...

MOmma Fargo:
Wow, if that area doesn't look like something out of that creepy-ass video game: SILENT HILL.
(tell me there were no babies wanting to get all cannibalistic)

Next time, go to the pizza joint and yell FIRST (just a thought).
And try going when it's not AS creepy.

Roll safe down there, Kiddo