There are many problems in the world of communication. My biggest problem has always been my mouth. It's true. Wait. You are laughing? Ok. So that was redundant.
Much to everyone's surprise, I have been told that since I was a wee little baby. It did not just develop one night, but I was born that way. Hallelujah!
The main issue is that I don't sugar coat shit and I have no filter. Maybe that isn't an "issue" but a wonderful character trait of mine. This was sometimes helpful when I was a cop. However, when it comes to the real world, you get a barrage of Fargo and this is problematic. Why? It is the explosion of goodness or not so which accompanies the limit of with I can stand.
It takes a lot to get me to X you out of my life. A lot. That rarely happens. I am usually always here. However, that gets taken advantage of and I become a doormat. A doormat keeps hoping some people will change or turn nice because they believe in the kindness of humans. It isn't always so. Sometimes people are just poops.
So here are 5 of my faults:
1. I am a fixer. Everything and everyone can be healed and just needs to know the love of Fargo. The world will be great and the fairies will fart rainbows. I swear. I am there for you through thick and thin...whether you like it or not. You don't have to ask. I just read things and here I am for you. Ta da! I don't feel I am annoying at this part, but I just seem to be the one people confide in or expect to make it better. This is a fault? Yes, sometimes I take on too many burdens and sometimes I just need not to be the counselor.
2. I don't like conflict so I want to resolve it right now. Even when it isn't a good time for everyone else. Right now is a good time for me. I think conflict festers and there is no sense not to work things out or clear the air. Life is too short to have stupid stuff get in the way of it. Watch out because in order to resolve conflict you have to get real. I get real. My diplomacy goes out the window.
3. When I am done getting run over by the bus of forgiveness, I am done. It takes umpteen times before I leave your world, but when I am gone...it's a true western ending. My Christian ways have limits. I know, it is so not church like.
4. When I am mad or you have hurt my feelers to the deepest point, you get hit with an artillery bombardment of whatever it is that pissed me off. Ratta tat tat. When the Irish, Scottish, German temper subsides, I have left nothing behind. Like NO MAN. In fact, they wouldn't want to be with me after the aftermath of my words. I like to think I am making them better for the next woman so they don't fuck that up. Flames!
So when everything builds up to the snapping point, I will make you rue the day you were born. But when I am happy, you have my undivided attention and affection and I even cook and shit.
Oh, you didn't know that I have red roots and dye my hair blond to be a strawberry blond? Yep. Sometimes I am really, really blond and the ginger is just in my blood, so it doesn't show on the outside.
5. I give so much there is nothing left of myself. And then I don't have enough for my kid or myself. I'm trying to change that.
Sometimes these pew pew pews are good. Sometimes they are very, very bad. There are days I have regrets about going off on a binge of vocabulary. But then when I clear the battlefield and the smoke subsides, it seems maybe that was the way the world was supposed to be. Maybe I was supposed to drive that person away because that was a toxic situation. Maybe I was a big fat asshole and they benefited from not having me in their life anymore. One way or the other, it is what it is. I do this all without hate. I might be angry, but I don't hate anyone. It's just my breaking points have reached that exact moment you want to be on another planet.
It worked good for the bad guys. They needed counseling, scolding, or fixing. I was probably more diplomatic with them at most times. Sometimes you just have to speak the language of the streets.
It doesn't work so good all the time for the other humans. Perhaps I am too brutal in the ending and I should find softer landings for the carnage. But why do people push me? Oh, I know why! Because I am so nice and forgiving and I am resilient. Gah.
I have grown to the point if you don't impress me as a man (dating) in a few months, you aren't going to and I think the serial killer taught me that. And maybe a couple boyfriends after that divorce. What a great life lesson that was. Egads. We don't need to relive it. I think I handed out more forgiveness than God gave me sense in that relationship. I should have punched him in the junk about a gazillion times. How many knocks in the head with a baseball bat does one person need before they wake up? I have no idea, but I think I hold the record. Oh, yeah. I will give up my soul for growing old with someone and finding love. It's the ginger way.
Oh, I still wait around for that magic moment and I still forgive and forgive. I say I am sorry over and over again even when I have done nothing wrong. I take the heat. Why? Because I like to resolve conflict even at my own expense. What's more than umpteen? A lot. That's how many times I forgive. I do that more so with friends than courtships anymore.
When I was younger, I never cared much for bad times and tried to make amends even when I felt it wasn't my place to do so. My eyes are wide open now. I don't think I can always do that.
I am beginning to learn that you have to know which bridge to cross and when to burn it. But should I cross it first and then burn it? Or burn it first and take a different rout? It's all so confusing. I was never good at engineering.
I liked it better when I was a cop and dealt with other people's problems.
I am trying to be kind. Just like my grandmother taught me. No matter what. But that ginger in me keeps appearing at inopportune times. Oh well.
Life is a drawing board, right?