Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Rimworld Stranded

Putting a little shout out for my my friend OldNFO. I have read a portion of this and it is very good. Here is his latest book which is an entire universe away from his westerns...

For you sci-fi lovers, you will eat this up. Get yours on Amazon. 

Senior Sergeant McDougal wasn’t a combat troop, he was a maintainer. He was good at it, proud of his status, and on his first planetary detachment as the lead maintenance troop for an outpost.
But, when he got stranded on Regulus Four, a Rimworld and one of the clusters that formed the DMZ between the Patrol and the Dragoons, his status didn’t mean a thing…
Improvising, adapting, and trying like hell not to panic, he did his best to fulfill the Patrol’s prime directive to destroy the portable stargate, and still get himself off the planet in one piece before the Dragoons got to him.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Teenzilla's Final School Moments

Just as Teenzilla arose with a fiery thug...I cowered in the corner. I did not know what to expect. Each day is different.

BUG: Mom, how does this look?

ME: It is a very pretty outfit. You look very nice.

BUG: Well, I need your opinion. I think I should wear a brown cardigan with it. What do you think?

ME: No. I don't think it would look right. It looks nice just the way it is and you would be too hot. Besides brown would not go.

BUG: (miffed) Fine. What about a white shirt on top of this one?

ME: No, honey. I don't think so. It is just right the way it is.


And so I don't know why Teenzilla would ask for my opinion and then explode when she didn't like the answer. Oh wait. It's the teenager thing. Sigh.

I left for work heavy-hearted because I don't like to leave things like that in the morning, but it has become quite regular.

So I was hated until she came home from school, crying. I received a frantic call in the middle of my workout and I had to rush home to see what was wrong. She jumped up off the couch when I strolled in all sweaty and gross and almost knocked me over with a bear hug. The tears were flowing.

Apparently, some kid at school had started a rumor about her having an oral sex moment with another boy. Little buttheads. She just sobbed and said she prides herself on being a virgin and a nice girl. It ruined her reputation, she declared.

"Mommy, I am not a slut!"

"Yes, honey, I know that."

Oh, we are so wise and old and having gone through such ugly rumors, and survived them all. I know no words I said made it better.

So it was Cheetos.

Cheetos make everything better. And ice cream. But we didn't have any.

I thought about offering some wine and chocolate, but then that would be some bad parenting. So I had it.

Cheetos. Comfort food for Teenzillas. Remember that.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

How Quaint!?!...

I suppose I spoke too soon about election news being monotonous and boring. Last night protesters at the Trump rally got physical, coming after police. But what happened was good human spirit when citizens formed a wall around the police and told the protesters if they wanted the police, they would have to get them (the citizens) first. It warmed my heart.

At the same time, these people who violently protest piss me the hell off. They are the same ones who time and time again protest everything with violence and are mostly liberals. What happened to the hippies? I tell ya, the world is going to hell.

I want to go water skiing so bad. Like right now. How was that for random? Yep. Well, it's true. I feel the need for some water speed.

Obi (new personal trainer-I am a guinea pig..er...phys. science experiment) told me last night I was "quite thin" and 30-40 pounds would be too skinny and that was a no go. He is such a nice blind man. Weirdo. I know what I am and where I need to be. Just because clothes hide the chubby tubby doesn't mean it isn't there to lose. Weight lifting again. Whee!~

Today I am sore and we haven't even started a real session yet. Yikes. I told him I was not going to whine and complain. He said to bring a towel because he was going to make me cry. This free stuff better be just as good as the paid for. I am excited. I want to bench 80% of my weight. That's a house in case you were wondering.

Anyhoozle, it will probably reduce my need for physical therapy and traction on my neck. I hope that will be an added benefit.

And since I am now fighting Wyoming worker's comp on my lungs (meth lab contamination when I was a cop) again...damn that crap....I have to make asthma less of a bitch by being fit and eating certain foods now. I am not happy. That is a long story. I am sure I will have to get a lawyer..AGAIN. They have a job to do, I understand. BUT...they are unfair and have terrible practices including damaging us honest folks. It's a racket. Really. Like the Mafia. Only worse.

Sometimes you can work with people in a professional manner and other times you have to go fucking bat shit crazy and flip out on a bitch to get somewhere. I'm not sure what is going to happen in this case. I do know...they own my lungs and they need to pay for it. I found out, of course, getting my prescriptions renewed and they cancelled my script card. I have never abused it nor not needed it. Fuckers.

I don't know how people can get their words out without swearing. Sometimes you just need to say Fuck Me In The Ass. Bless those who can be eloquent with real words.

Bug seemed to come around yesterday and be human for a few hours. I am sure this was due to the fact I made her homemade french fries which are some of her favorites. Hmm.. now what about tonight? I will have to drum up something good. I bet it might start with the letters ICE CREAM.

Words are so powerful, aren't they?

I am such a quaintrelle. Yes.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Tabloid News

What I Am Smelling...

I am working today with turned up nose. I keep smelling this tuna thing someone fixed. For breakfast? Yuck. You know I can't do tuna! It brings back flashbacks of a dead body I once responded to where the chick died naked with a can of tuna in her vagina with the fork sticking out. Don't ask. Ok. Changing the subject.

What I Wrote...

My recent article from my serious side is not so serious. In fact, I thought some humor was needed, but maybe I went to far. It isn't striking any chords on Twitter or Facebook. Hmm...

Tell me what you think. Click here.  Is it too much?

What I Am Relieved About...

National news has announced the acquittal of Officer Nero in the Freddie Gray case. I am interested to see what happens with all involved, including the status of the mayor. A leading Black Lives Matter activist has filed to run for election. They were prepared for riots, but it seems just some angry protests occurred.

What I Like To Watch...

The Blacklist is one of my favorite shows and NBC has announced a spin off. I am not a fan off spin in any direction. Usually they flop. I guess I will wait and see. It's worth a look-see.

Not A Fan...

I am not a fan of dehydration. I am drinking a gallon a day and last night I cramped up so bad that it created a disability in my left calf and I couldn't do my second run. Blah. Owie. It was one of those type of cramps that lasted for a long time, formed sweat beads, and continued to bother me for quite some time. I hobbled around the house for hours.

I am not a fan of old age metabolism. It is REALLY difficult to shape my body into a hammer and chisel figure. Gah. I have enlisted the help of a man to get me that direction. Luckily, it is free and I am a guinea pig. Sessions start next week. Maybe I will post pics.

National Spotlight Fades...

I think the election stuff has waned this week, Holy buckets of disbelief! There is nothing really super dooper interesting about it right now. The biggest headline is Hillary dissing Fox News and declining the invite to a final debate. Whoop de doo. I wouldn't do it either if I am just going to be the declared winner in a few weeks anyway. Waste of time.

What I Am Frustrated About...

The Bug and I are not having a good time of it. She has attitude. I don't like attitudes. Clash of the Titans. Last night she said she didn't want to live with me because I am too strict, mean, and treat her like crap. Wow. That was an explosion. What triggered this? I told her she was grounded because in the last three days she failed to do her chores and sat around. What are the chores? Potty the dogs and fold a load of laundry. I didn't think it was too much to ask or order as it is not a question in my house. In this time she let the dogs piss and shit in the living room and I had a hell of a time shampooing carpets and trying to make the house smell good. So, I gave her the go ahead to live with her dad. We will see what comes of summer. I texted her dad this morning to say it was OK with me. I have given up trying to be supermom and just stick with super momster. 

What I Am Doing Today...

Today I am working. After that I am going to lose myself in running, doing some CrossFit, housework, mowing the lawn before the 10 Day Monsoon we are getting, and running again. In between that I will be walking the dogs and playing with the fellers.

What I Wish For You...

Difficult roads bring us to beautiful destinations. I wish for you to find joy. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

The Fargo Extreme Blotter

Today's post is brought to you by the color bastard-amber, mental floss, the degrees of 80s, and tornado vernacular. That about sums up my next 10 days of living. Mother Nature is a bitch! God help me.

In other news:


This weekend, I had a treat and attended the National Parks Adventure showing at the museum theater in Indy. I have followed Conrad Anker and the Alex Lowe story for years. It is endearing before, during the tragic death of Lowe, and the after life of Conrad Anker, Jennifer Lowe-Anker and son Max. So the show was about National Parks narrated by Robert Redford. The cinematography was outstanding and brought me many pictures of home (Wyoming) to me. Check it out if you wish-links provided above. They serve beer.


Things are going well, but slow. I have been working hard, however, my body changes are at turtle speed. My daughter monitoring everything said my metabolic system changes with age and it just sucks, but keep plodding. Easy for her to say. Blah.


I really don't know how to process some things when struck by flying missiles. To explain..

COPS: No one wants to date you, Fargo.

ME: Huh?

COPS: No one wants to date you.

ME: *blink*blink* I wasn't asking. 

COPS: Well, you need to act like a girl.

ME: I am a girl. I act like a girl.

COPS: No, you are strong minded. You act like a cop. No one wants that. Plus you are too independent, you have too many dogs, and you don't dress hot. 

ME: Who the fuck put you in charge of assessments? I dress classy not trashy. I have some up to date stuff. You only see me in jeans and fitness clothes. You ain't no prize. I'm a prize!

COPS: Well, just trying to help you. 

ME: Well, you are not nice.

COPS: And about your writing? You write good but you say nothing. Just generalizations. Like on the other websites...we are waiting for you to say something detailed and nothing. It's meh. 

ME: I don't know what specifically you are referring to? All of them?

COPS: The ones we have read.

ME: What's that supposed to mean?

COPS: You need to write details. Your articles suck and bore us.

ME: You guys are a bunch of fucking dicks!

COPS: See. You talk like a man. 


Teenagers are funny. They don't always tell their parents everything at the moment life smacks them. At least mine doesn't. She keeps things from me. I especially HATE not knowing when her heart hurts.

BUG: Brayden isn't talking to me anymore. 

ME: What? You just went over to his house for that family BBQ.

BUG: Yeah.

ME: When?

BUG: Two days ago?

ME: I'm sorry, honey. Are you OK?

BUG: Yeah. I'm just sad. I told him it's his loss. Mom, why do I always get dumped and what is wrong with me? I try to be nice to everyone. No one every likes me. (tears flood in)

Seeing your kiddo question herself just like I do myself broke my heart. My daughter is better than me. I don't want her to end up like me. Besides, she is so extraordinary but humble that she deserves to be treated as a princess. I think part of it (her boy issue) is that she doesn't put out or get sexual with boys. She tells me they don't try, but I am not sure if that is true. She may tell them up front that she is not about that. And if that is what they are after, they aren't good enough for her anyway. 

ME: Oh, honey. You have done nothing wrong. You are amazing, beautiful, and good. Don't ever let these high school punks bring you down. Chances are, you will find your true love in college or the real world. Don't worry. God has someone special in mind for you. He will be your knight in shining armor. And when it happens, you will live happily ever after. All these first loves feel like the real deal and it hurts, but something greater is out there. I can't explain it, but someday you will find it. 

And here I found myself spoon feeding the same crap my dad gave me. Sigh. 

Friday, May 20, 2016

Katie Bar The Doors: TOO LATE!

Well, I am very excited to announce my next guest, The Russian Bear.  As you long time readers my know, he is one of my go-to political aficionado and firearms fanatic/guru. Actually, he is just full of brains and because I think he is highly intelligent, I like to bug him about his mind channeling. I know he has a Mensa card, but I won't ask his number. It's way higher than mine. 

So...I present you....Fargo's Brilliant One...in color. Ta da! Enjoy! 

By the way, I am serving myself Blue Moon's on the half orange. The Russian Bear...he is indulging in water with a slice of lemon on the rocks. 

This is what I got when I Googled "Russian Bear".
Is this a Russian Bear or a Russian and a bear? I have no idea.

ME:  Describe Trump in one sentence.

RB: A fat-fingered vulgarian with crony capitalist connections, the taste of Caligula and an over-inflated sense of self-worth.

  (I can't take credit for the -fingered vulgarian line, but I do think it is an apt description.)

ME: Whoa. There are a lot of big words in there. I am guessing you are not a fan. Here is mine: Donald Trump is a complex man with many faces. 

ME:  Describe Hillary in one sentence.

RB: A lying sociopath with grand schemes for self-enrichment at the expense of world stability and national security.

ME: That sounds accurate. My sentence is: DITTO. That is a sentence. 

ME:  Who do you think or who would you like to see as their VP picks?

Donald Trump: I would like to see him pick a conservative VP.  However, the majority of the Republican party is not conservative, so his pick will probably be someone that either unites the GOPe and brings the #NeverTrump over to his side, or appeals to the Democrat base.  That being said I predict someone like Colin Powell.

Hillary Clinton: Barring indictment and federal prison, I expect her to play the girl card to the max.  Assuming they don't have too much bad blood between them, Elizabeth Warren should be her pick.  She can boast about having the first Native American VP.

ME:  Hmmm. Those are great choices. I actually like Colin Powell in some cases, some cases not. Would you like some more water? Here you go. (pours good spring water, not yucky tap water. Yuri needs the best) I think Condaleeza Rice would be awesome but she will have none of that. In Hillary's case? I think she will pick Elizabeth Warren as well. 

ME: What is the most important matter our new president needs to focus on?

RB: Define what it means to be an American.  Why would I say that the most important matter is make a mission statement of what it means to be an American?  Because policy flows from principle. Are we a constitutionally limited republic, populist democracy, or oligarchy masquerading as a free country. 

The culture wars have been lost, and the winners are roaming the battlefield and shooting the survivors in the gut and then grinding their entrails into the ground.  Fundamental transformation, indeed.  Our young have been indoctrinated to hate America. Triggered by their own "privilege", they demand freebies for everyone to ease their false guilt. The military has been infiltrated and weakened throughout.

America needs to find its identity very quickly before it is lost forever.  In practical terms, the most important matter is national security.  Our navy had more ships in 1916 than they do today.  We are unable to project power in more than one area at a time.  Our Air Force is looking for spare parts in the boneyards instead of stocking replacements, despite record revenues and record spending. 

tl.dr; more guns, less butter.

ME: Well, I am speechless. I was just going to say that I want the economy to pick up (like a lot) and all these whiners to stop whining and maybe a law where all the protesters can hit each other with their signs and shit. Then may the last man or woman standing win!. I like your ideas much better. Are you sure you didn't slip any Vodka in there? I think I need another beer. 

RB: No Vodka. Just a cup of honesty. Is this tap water ice or spring water ice. It takes a little like lead and manufacturing waste.

ME: Uh. I don't know. I just got it out of the ice bucket. It's ice ice. 

ME:  What is your analysis of the two candidates?

RB: Donald Trump: Here's an egotistical blowhard, who frustrated with the results his bought politicians were getting, decided to throw his hat into the ring, and is now poised to win the whole thing.  Who can argue against "Make America Great Again"?  That's the perfect pitch to an America that is being constantly told by their assumed betters that America is horrible, America is to blame.  9/11 served us right, etc. etc.  I mean, even the most detached voter knows that America was great once.  They may not know why America was great.  They do know that it isn't great right now, so making it great again sounds like a good idea.

ME: Yeah, but most people can see through spin and win, right?

RB: Not really, sad to say. 

Specifics (i.e. substance) is not needed to win at the presidential level, as the last two presidential elections have shown.  The right emotional pitch that appeals to the broadest base is all you need.

What bothers me about the sales pitch, is that it is not the government that makes America great, it is its people that make it great.  Turning to a chief executive of a federal government to make the country great, is a call to totalitarianism.  Over 3500 new rules are waiting in the next regulatory cycle. The CFR is getting larger and larger, and this will not make us great.  Will a populist president help change this trend? I doubt it.

A candidate who says, "I could shoot somebody in the street tomorrow , and you all would still vote for me.", is a candidate to be worried about.  I understand the frustration and sentiment behind those that support Donald Trump, and I didn't like it when Barry said to his supporters to "get in the face" of of their opponents, so I like it even less when a similar threat is voiced by the Republican candidate..

ME: So true on those scary statements. But, he is right. He has escaped any shunning by large masses which should have put any other person out of the race. What about Hillary?

RB: Hillary Clinton:  I honestly have not followed a word of what she has said. I can't stand to hear her voice, it's like a hole is being torn in my eardrum and I must flee to my "safe space" free of harridans and defenders of child rapists.  

ME: Oh, shit, sorry!

RB: Eh. No worries. But why did you spit your beer all over me, Fargo? Geez, you need a bib, girl.

ME: Because that was fucking hilarious.

RB: Well, whatever. Now, in terms of her candidacy, the illusion of democracy in the Democratic ticket is being ripped asunder in front of the eyes of the Bernie supporters.  The Clintons have successfully infiltrated the Democrat party and much of the bureaucracy of the federal government with their minions.  I mean, Come on!  Their former mouthpiece is on a daily national "news" show.

Bill was head of the DNC for a while.  The Clintons know, like every good intestinal worm, how to burrow in and suck off the largess around them. The Clinton Global Foundation is nothing more than a vehicle for laundering their influence peddling money.

ME: Like my blue dress? I got it from Monica Lowin...I don't know her last name. She was very close to Bill Clinton. It's a little big and I couldn't get the stain out, though. Kind of sad. But it was a bargain!

RB: *blink, blink*

ME: Go on. You are on a roll.

RB: She is a horrible candidate.  People do not find her appealing, the longer she speaks, the larger the negatives get.  She has been entrenching herself into the federal government since 1992. If she wasn't so entrenched, I think the DNC would have shed themselves of her a long time ago.  But hey, you lay down with hippies, you'll get up with fleas, ticks and communicable diseases.

ME: I have never laid down with hippies, just FYI. Good thing, I guess. I didn't realize they had so many "issues." There have been others, but no hippies. I mean, two. Mom, only two. I think Hillary is the plaque and she is poisonous to our country as a politician. Hell, she might even poison the prison system if she ever gets there. Who am I kidding? She is never going to get there, What about The Bern?

RB: Bernie is promising loads of freebies and promising to break the banks.  Hillary promises the same with the added bonus of being a girl, for those who like to vote for historic firsts.  Barring indictment, Hillary will be the nominee over the virulent protests of Sanders supporters.

ME:  What is going on with voters? Your assessment? Their platform preferences, their personalities, their wants, needs, generational differences?

RB: They're mad.

ME: I'm mad too, Eddy. Bet you don't remember that one! Hah! Anyway...so what! Big babies. Do tell more.

RB: Conservatives are mad at, and feel betrayed by the Republican leadership for failing to take a stand and use the power of the purse.  GOPe voters are mad that a classless buffoon is now their nominee.  Bernie supporters are mad that winning more popular votes doesn't get you more delegates. Hillary voters are either mad at the patriarchy or just not informed about her and have a misplaced nostalgia for the Clinton years.

I think both parties are pushing for larger government. Both sides desire a vigorous executive branch.  The GOP has done little to reign in Obama's overreach, partly because they want to do the same thing when their guy gets in.

ME: Well, I agree. But size doesn't always matter, it's how you use it.

RB: *blink, blink* We are talking about the government, right?

ME: Well, of course. Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

RB: Well, you are good at that, but God love ya, Fargo. Anyway...Younger voters are turning to government as well.  The idea of free college, or forgiveness of their student loan debt is a big freebie being dangled in front of them.  The idea that an avowed socialist is gaining a majority of popular votes in the Democratic race, tells me that we've lost the country for at least a generation.  Even my oldest daughter (she is the only one who is not home schooled) doesn't seem to have a problem with Marxism or national socialist theory.  She even gave me a lecture about how I've benefited from white male privilege. 

Hopefully, whichever candidate gets into office, the collapse and rebirth will happen quickly so my yet to be born grand children will have a chance at a free society.

Furthermore, I consider that Islam must be destroyed.

ME: Well, alrighty then. We will have to delve into that last statement further, but we will save it for next time. Thanks, so much for the great convo. I always like to hear what you think about these complex issues.

RB: My pleasure. 

ME: Next time, I might add Vodka to your water. Who knows what we might get? Might be The Russian Bear magnified! 

RB: Well, Vodka is not really my thing. 

ME: Well, you pick!

RB: I will have to think about that. Maybe I will bring some good stuff. 

ME: Until next time! 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Snark Alert: Handling the Press

It is all about the press this week. Check out my new post on Uniform Stories here. Tell me what you think or rate, like, comment, or share. Pass me around like a Tuesday hooker. Every click helps. If you don't like it, comment that way as well. We are all about telling the truth.

As a companion piece...I came up with this. Now...a warning...this is just snark. I had great relationships with the press due to mutual respect. Some are even some dear friends. They might not, however, find my funny here. I find my funny most always, but not everyone is on the same page.

Gotta love George on a Great White Steed

How We Would Like To Handle The Media In Law Enforcement

Police officers do not hesitate to take on dangerous and dynamic situations. That is after all, what we are trained for once we don the uniform. We live, eat, and breathe those types of calls to action. We know how to act when faced with a deadly force situation and save life and property daily-all somewhat routine and regular. Although these types of summons are performed forthwith, we have our own kryptonite:  the television camera or microphone shoved in our face by the media.

In today’s realm, the mainstream media does not always paint a pretty picture for law enforcement. They often spin headlines to gain readers and shock the masses, but set aside most of the truth. The community papers and media might be less dramatic than national news, but are not without their conflicts with law enforcement.

My first rule of thumb as a rookie was to tell the press “I know nothing.” This was entirely true. Later on as a detective, rather than lie, I would tell them, “I cannot comment. Talk to the sergeant.” This was also true.  But geez, they keep coming back like bees on honey, those relentless bastards.

Both of those replies offend most reporters and you end up looking like an asshole. We still have to deal with them and no one wants bad press. Most of us may view journalists as “the plague” whose hearts bleed for the bad guys. Additionally, they are often seen as arrogant, strong minded individuals who proclaim to be experts in the law and the order. Those combinations sit about as well as an unglazed donut. I was lucky I had good journalists in my area. There were some loose cannons, but most of them were stand up people. 

Besides trying to get all the scoop by giving you Home Alone questions, reporters physically escape their containments because hearing a second hand story isn’t good enough. Maybe they squeak past your barrier tape or do a work around to get information. They are like pesky kids and their curiosity is worse than most feral cats.

If we told it like it is on some of our gruesome scenes, they would shudder and fold into mush. Pictures of a decapitation? I don’t know if they could handle it. Maybe it would be too un-freaking-believable for them to comprehend.

Perhaps what we need to do since the filter has been taken off of television, is take ours off as well.  What if we added a little of our own spin?

“What happened here, Officer?”

“A crash.”

“Yes, I see that. Could you tell me more?”

“Well, that red car there went that way and the black car here went this way. They collided. Most of the passengers are going to live, I believe.”

“But it’s just a fender bender.”

“Yes, ma’am, but people could have died. They were lucky.”

There were so many times I really wanted to be more of a smart ass. But we all know the press can be cop career makers or breakers and what comes out of our mouths we own. Somehow we must foster a working association or at least fake it. But there are some tricks to the trade in order to get to that point. So how do we really handle the media as police officers? There are many ways to show them the way, but here are 11 of them. Why 11? Because 10 is just too ordinary.

1.    Don’t let them near your scene. Whisper warnings to them in a dry Gunny Highway voice as you walk by. This pitch and tone is too low to be recorded or overheard. No one would believe it anyway.

2.       Put them in the back seat of your cruiser for their career making interview with a serial killer. Check in on them from time to time. Make sure you take their pencils away prior to placing them in your car.

3.       Rope off a nice 5’ x 5’ square press box about 4 blocks away from the scene of your homicide. They can all be happy in there together. If you want to keep them out of the wind, place your confinement next to a cement wall or building. Have a community service officer stand by to maintain the parameter, but make sure they receive no updates to disperse.

4.       Make them the chief’s problem at any hour of any day. If one is relentless with questions, wake up the chief to connect them via their cell phone. Put the chief’s number in their phone book for future reference. Once connected, leave.

5.       Have that dancing cop entertain them while you unsuspectingly wheel the body past them.

6.       Duct tape the mouthy persistent ones and see if they can do that break and release trick.

7.       Assign the most friendly, but slow talking cop as your PIO (Public Information Officer).

8.       Bridge the gaps between the press and cops by putting them in a ride along program. Be sure to have them assigned to an officer who never arrives. Have dispatch call them off of every call just as they are about to land on scene.

9.       Send them a really spammy press release written in emoji mingled in with a few vague facts.

10.           Have them set their camera down and help you remove a liquefied body.

11.    Hug them long and hard. This is surely awkward and will deter further approaches.

In all seriousness, cops and journalists have to find a way to work together for mutual benefit. It is a give and take relationship which may endure some trust issues. Bad press is all but destroying the good we do.  I had a wise supervisor say to me as a detective, “Give them dogs some bones, but just the small ones. And be nice. Maybe they will come through for us someday.” This is all good and well, however, you have to be careful about the content and details you release. Don’t give them the custard filled donuts, just pass out the regular glazed. Make sure they are a little stale.

Journalists are valuable for alerting the public about dangerous suspects or missing persons. When you have an amicable working relationship, they can be advantageous to a police organization. In this day and age, good press can present departments to the public in a favorable light to help boost community partnerships.  It doesn’t mean you give up all the goods, but you give them enough to have a story without jeopardizing your investigation. Too often, they may still push and try to color outside the lines. It is the nature of their job. We can find a way to play in the sandbox together, but we still have to growl at them once in a while.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Bad Human Tricks

I am pretty much over the brutal bison killings in Yellowstone by park officials. It was a baby for Pete's Sake! Poor thing. So my bleeding heart liberal is showing. Sue me. They made an announcement that they are not in the business of rescuing animals and would have had to quarantine it. Well...la tee dah. Ranchers do it all the time. Oh, yes, it happens at zoos. It happens when someone rescues a wild animal or any exotic. It happens everywhere but all of a sudden in the park system...it is as big and as likely as Obama making a positive speech about cops.

I bet they would have rescued a wolf.

And then low and behold, some ijigits walked out on a hot springs there. I watched them crouch down and lean over. I was waiting for them to fall in and then that would be all she wrote. It didn't happen. It was very anticlimactic. Here let me show you. I must warn you this is a graphic film of complete asshats. They are not stupider than the dudes who put the baby bison calf in their vehicle, however. That one wins.

Bad humans.

Today my clouds are aligned in some odd sky way as clouds do align in skyways...as I am grumpier than my teenager is when she wakes up. For those who don't know...that is WAY grumpy. I have a permanent frown on my face. I have no idea what happened.

Right now some Cheetos would make me happy but they are not on the diet plan.

Now can you see why I am pissy? Everyone should get Cheetos when they want them.

It's inevitable.

Monday, May 16, 2016

I Was A Lawyer... And I Lied To A Judge... That One Time

This weekend Bug and I watched Concussion with Will Smith based upon Dr. Bennett Omalu's medical discovery and his struggle to bring the realization of CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) to the NFL. We both thought the movie was good and sad at the same time. Eerie but not surprising that the NFL brought down some shady stuff. Sadly (speaking of which), I don't find anything online that would suggest treatments or anything effective to help these patients, except maybe treating the depression part of it. In fact, the Mayo Clinic says there is no treatment for this disease and it needs to be studied further. 

It brought back a flood of memories. I'm sure you know where this is going. 

It took years to get a divorce from the serial killer.  Yes, I said, YEARS-not months. I don't think I ever shared the court battles on here. I don't think I will but maybe give out some Cliff Notes of the ordeal. It was zero fun and nor do I wish to redo that experience. In the end, I had to fire my attorney and go pro se. I don't think I have totally shit my pants in court, until the day I became a "lawyer." Luckily, I had a very kind judge who was patient with me. I studied hard and in about two weeks I was ready to be an attorney. 

So roll the time forward and it was the deciding day on the stand after firing my attorney, hiring a PI out of Chicago, PI investigation to track down my husband who was avoiding service and contact-and still did to the end, publishing in the newspapers, etc., etc., the whole ball of wax  and the whole shebang. In fact, he never made a court appearance. Everywhere I went I was told my attorney should be doing this and that. I told them I AM THE ATTORNEY, bitches. It was exhausting. Those attorneys are worth their prices...well, most of them. 

Judge H. reviewed everything very carefully.

JUDGE H.: Ms. Loving, are you sure there is nothing the state of Indiana can do to reconcile your marriage?

Ok. Now I was forming sweat beads because I didn't want this to delay any further. It had been FOREVER already. Good night I was going to be ancient before I was free from these shackles and this black cloud. And surely, I did not want to have sex in sin. Who wants to be naughty with a married woman? 

ME: No, sir. 

JUDGE H.: Ok. Ms. Loving, are you sure you do not want any of this property back in which Mr. Loving has in his possession which you brought to the marriage? It looks like he brought zero and you have given him thousands?

ME: No, sir. He can keep it. I am sure he pawned the ring anyway. The furniture, household items, and paintings he can have.

JUDGE H.: Ok. Did he give you a ring? I need to list everything.

ME: No, sir.

JUDGE H.: He didn't give you a ring? 

ME: No, sir. 

JUDGE H.: Ok. [muttered something under his breath that I could not hear] 

I am sure the judge was looking at the stupidest broad in history to marry a man who did not produce even a ring. Yes, I was the stupidest broad in history. Bam. 

And so the Judge did his thing and granted me free and clear...legally divorced. Ah. What a great feeling it was. He also made sure I had an original copy with his signature. We signed like 4 copies. He knew I needed to have it official and in my hands on that day. 

Relationship Status: Sleeping In My Bed Diagonally 

As I was gathering my things and preparing to leave....

JUDGE H.: Ms. Loving?

ME: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE H.: Do you think your husband suffers from that concussion thing from the NFL?

I thought about it that for a moment. I knew I definitely had brain damage. But him?

ME: You mean my ex-husband?

JUDGE H.: [smiled] Yes, I mean your ex-husband.

ME: I'm not sure, Your Honor. It could be possible.

JUDGE H.: It sure sounds like it.  I wonder if things would have been different for you. Sad deal.

ME: Yes, sir. 

JUDGE H.: Ms. Loving, do me a favor.

ME: Yes, sir?

JUDGE H. : This has been the longest divorce proceeding in my history, I believe. If you get married again, find someone who is good to you. You deserve a nice fella. I can say I will be glad to never see you again. [giggle] 

ME: Yes, sir.

JUDGE H.: Good luck to you, Ms. Loving.

ME: Thank you, Your Honor.

And so there was this one time....at Indiana district court... where I stood there in a high dollar suit and lied straight faced to the judge while posing as a lawyer. I don't think I have been that dirty in all my life. 

No, I don't think the serial killer suffers from CTE endured in the NFL. I just think he is a bi-polar violent asshole who self-medicates with alcohol

I really wanted that to be my answer. 

Free Bird

Friday, May 13, 2016

The Friday Blots

Fargo blew the dust bunnies off the blog as she looked around and saw no one.

It is Friday the 13th. Is this absence of humans to be expected or was it related to yesterday's post? It is deserted in here like an island with no habitants. A habitant is a French settler down Louisiana way or Canaduh if you didn't know. An inhabitant is all the others. So, therefore, in conclusion, there are no French people around here. Or anyone else for that matter.

Apparently, yesterday my talk about health issues and lube was too much. I was going to take it down so no one had to look away or be embarrassed, but I didn't. Why? I don't know. So it could embarrass my mother? I have done that all my life. One time one of my Minnesota aunts called me and said she used to read my blog, but can't anymore because it was "whew". Yeah. I told her nothing is sacred and everything is shamed on here. She said, "oh boy." I told her if she thinks The Boogie Man has no filter, she should go over The Snow Camo. She didn't think she could.  I  have a tendency to talk about anything under the sun. Literally. I was talking about things yesterday where the sun doesn't shine. It's the cops' fault. The job made me that way.  The cricket sounds in here were getting so bad I couldn't hear myself think. And for all who don't know...that's way loud.

I really thought it was necessary information I should share for all the world to know. Oh well. At least it was way more exciting than America fighting over bathroom issues. That shit is in the toilet. The matters we see in the news just keeps flushing our country down the drain. Puns intended. Can you believe how much time and money is being spent over the ordeal? Why doesn't the entire world just make private rooms so we can move on? Unisex bathrooms with one person per room. Shut the door, lock it, do your business. Done! Next! No more stalls and urinals. Let's do it!

Also irritating is the rumor of establishment Republicans creating a third party run. What a waste of our time and their egos. NO ONE WANTED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE! Another cherry picking headliner is the tizzy over Donald Trump's taxes. I DON'T CARE! That's between him and the IRS. I don't care about anyone's taxes unless they are a criminal and then stick it to them!

And Pinterest...poop on you. I recently got a message that I had pinned something against their policy and got a complaint? WTF? It said something about nudity? I have NONE of that on my pin boards. Freaking whackjobs. Perhaps my lasagna pin was TOO NAKED for someone. Get off my boards, you freaking whiners. If you don't like my stuff, go away! It irritates me the same as when someone jackknifes my Facebook account, complaining that I posted something they didn't like. GO AWAY! It's my page. If you don't like me, go away! I don't complain about other people and their Faceplant pages even if they are nasty and hateful. I click off. Is that so hard?

In the good news...

1. Carlie Trent was found safe.
2. I am finally in my running groove and I feel I might live through a half marathon in the fall.
3. I did not die. This is not a scheduled post. Every day above ground is a good one.
4. Despite my teenager's attitude and mouth having the runs, she did not die.
5. I didn't have to use lube to take anything life handed me this week.
6. It's Friday! Yay, weekend!

Some things I need to improve on:

1. My approach. Teenagers do not think it is funny when you respond to their eye rolling but encouraging them to continue so they might locate some sense or a brain in the back of their eyelids.
2. My filter. It seems I need to reattach this device but it seems to be lost at the moment. Note to self: find filter.
3. My diet. According to my coach, I am eating too many carb ladened fruits and veggies. I mean, who knew cucumbers had so many carbs? They taste like nothing. Aren't carbs supposed to have flavor? FMITA.
4. My princess mode. The cops told me I act like a man. Whiskey-tango-foxtrot? I have no idea what that means unless I am not the damsel in distress kind. This lady does not look like a dude. I guess I need to act like a priss and not look strong. How do you do that? I need a work husband to do my fixins' at home.
Around here it is scheduled to be partly cloudy with undertones of rain and a high of 50 degrees. Super. I love going from 85 to 50 in 5.5 hours. Mother Nature is such a bitch sometimes.

So, I'm going to go figure out how to entertain myself in cold weather. Blah. Have a great weekend!