Today my weather app on my phone had a new high humidity alert: Lion King or Chewbacca Hair Warning. Well, it came true. Even my mother told me, "Perhaps you should wear your hair up today."
Ok. I get the hint. Things are not aligned in my favor today, so I punt. I hope messy buns never go out of style. Otherwise, I am in trouble. I can't braid, I don't want to do the Addicted To Love bitches hairdo I had when I was a cop. I don't have time for an elaborate updo.
And the world is just going to shit, so...
So...we need a little Wheels to make the day go better...
WHEELS: Boss, here is my affidavit. LEPRESHAWN proofread it while you were talking to the Lieutenant. Sarge signed it when LEPRESHAWN looked over it and said it was good.
ME: [proofread the affidavit] Give me a red pen.
ME: You proofread this? 25 errrors. And the Sarge put his name on it? UGH.
ME: Well, it's much better, let me tell you. Your content and information are good.
LEPRESHAWN: It's his first phase. It doesn't have to be perfect.
ME: Are you kidding me? I will pretend you didn't try to mediocre-ize my rookie.
WHEELS: Boss says I can't look like a douche canoe in court. Has to be perfect.
LEPRESHAWN: What the hell is a douche canoe?
ME: I'm looking at one right now. [looked at Lepreshawn-big cheesy grin]
LEPRESHAWN: [gets on the cell phone] Sarge, 96 went all English Teacher on the affidavit...
ME: What a fucking tattle tale! You big baby!
LEPRESHAWN:...We're going to have to bring you a new one to sign. 96, you're going to have to bring it to him. He's on a crime scene and can't leave. Why do you have to be so difficult?
ME: Because I'm raising a superstar, not a douche canoe.
WHEELS: Yeah, I'm going to be a superstar. I just need some work.
*yeah so there*
LEPRESHAWN: Well, I think you're being a little harsh.
So I ran the affidavit to Sarge because there shall be no douche canoes on my watch.
SARGE: What the hell? Lepreshawn told me it was OK.
ME: It had 25 errors on it. I suppose you took his word...the word of a Ginger.
SARGE: I can't believe he didn't check it better.
ME: He said it didn't have to be perfect because Wheels is in phase 1. I am really going to beat him. Don't even tell me I will get written up because I know I won't. Shawn would not dare say a word...especially if a girl whooped his ass. On the other hand, you owe me one for not making you look like a douche canoe in court.
SARGE: [laughs] What the fuck is a douche canoe?
ME: Are all you guys the same? Don't you know the latest in words and slang? Keep up with the times! Even Wheels knows what that is.
SARGE: Strong work.