Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Monday, June 27, 2016

Don't Be A Douche Canoe

Today my weather app on my phone had a new high humidity alert: Lion King or Chewbacca Hair Warning. Well, it came true. Even my mother told me, "Perhaps you should wear your hair up today."

Ok. I get the hint. Things are not aligned in my favor today, so I punt. I hope messy buns never go out of style. Otherwise, I am in trouble. I can't braid, I don't want to do the Addicted To Love bitches hairdo I had when I was a cop. I don't have time for an elaborate updo.

And the world is just going to shit, so...
So...we need a little Wheels to make the day go better...

WHEELS: Boss, here is my affidavit. LEPRESHAWN proofread it while you were talking to the Lieutenant. Sarge signed it when LEPRESHAWN looked over it and said it was good.

ME: [proofread the affidavit] Give me a red pen.


ME: You proofread this? 25 errrors. And the Sarge put his name on it? UGH.


ME: Well, it's much better, let me tell you. Your content and information are good.

LEPRESHAWN: It's his first phase. It doesn't have to be perfect.

ME: Are you kidding me? I will pretend you didn't try to mediocre-ize my rookie. 

WHEELS: Boss says I can't look like a douche canoe in court. Has to be perfect.

LEPRESHAWN: What the hell is a douche canoe?

ME: I'm looking at one right now. [looked at Lepreshawn-big cheesy grin]

LEPRESHAWN: [gets on the cell phone] Sarge, 96 went all English Teacher on the affidavit... 

ME: What a fucking tattle tale! You big baby!

LEPRESHAWN:...We're going to have to bring you a new one to sign. 96, you're going to have to bring it to him. He's on a crime scene and can't leave. Why do you have to be so difficult?

ME: Because I'm raising a superstar, not a douche canoe.

WHEELS: Yeah, I'm going to be a superstar. I just need some work.

*yeah so there*

LEPRESHAWN: Well, I think you're being a little harsh.

So I ran the affidavit to Sarge because there shall be no douche canoes on my watch.

SARGE: What the hell? Lepreshawn told me it was OK.

ME: It had 25 errors on it. I suppose you took his word...the word of a Ginger. 

SARGE: I can't believe he didn't check it better.

ME: He said it didn't have to be perfect because Wheels is in phase 1. I am really going to beat him. Don't even tell me I will get written up because I know I won't. Shawn would not dare say a word...especially if a girl whooped his ass. On the other hand, you owe me one for not making you look like a douche canoe in court.

SARGE: [laughs] What the fuck is a douche canoe?

ME: Are all you guys the same? Don't you know the latest in words and slang? Keep up with the times! Even Wheels knows what that is.

SARGE: Strong work.


pax said...

Thanks for the giggle!

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
---It's definitely not a fit day in that sun and humidity for man, woman OR beast.
(almost makes me want an early winter), but not all that much, mind you.
---Love the Lepreshawn and Wheels "tales from the g-ride".
Thanks for making staying INSIDE a lot easier to take.

Roll safe down there, dear.

bill lisleman said...

thanks for the slang lesson

Being my first browsing of your blog I found the sidebar very enjoyable and I didn't even get a drink.

Old NFO said...

ROTFLMAO! Good one, and I hope you DID actually use a red pen on them! :-D

Cheryl said...

You are hilarious. What a fun read to start my day. I think my new word is going to be mediocre-ize. Seems like in the current state of things I should be able to use that pretty regularly.

As for the humidity and the hair. I feel your pain. I haven't been awake for more than an hour and I now most definitely up to the Lion King stage.

If that air conditioning repair guy doesn't show up today, I will be driving over to borrow one of your guns. Just so you recognize me, I'll be the sweaty crazy person with the frizzy hair and the crazy eyes.