Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Fairy Farts and Vampire Slayers

My friends are trying to figure out why an entire tribe of weirdos are globbing on to me lately which have resulted in some strange encounters of the 5th Kind. They think I need to be saged. I can't say I disagree with them. Right now I am slathered in garlic, fairy dust, and crosses to deflect evil and crazy. I am not sure it is working.

Friday was a trying day of different sorts as I was called back to the Ta-Ta doctor for an additional mammogram and ultrasound. So they showed me the problem which was a huge mass in my left side. Immediately I felt sick to my stomach and tried to fight back tears. What a pussy. I don't know why it hit me hard. I was there for four hours. After talking to the doctor they determined I had hundreds of cysts on my left side which were all benign. None on my right. This was true evidence that I have been abducted by aliens since one side was perfectly healthy. My right elbow is bad. My left elbow is perfect. My neck is broken and my lungs are only 80%. My left rotator cuff is shot and my right is perfect. And my butt is too big.

Oh, yes, we can blame it all on aliens.

In the end, the Ta-Tas are OK, but I have been instructed to cut down on coffee consumption. You may as well have told me to cut my fingers off or put me in a guillotine. Really. It's that bad. "Try  cutting back to 2 cups a day first, " he said. WHAT?!?

That's like telling a crack addict to snort soap.

Say some prayers for me. The vampires are working against me. Those blood suckers.


Tennessee Grammie said...

The good news is that those lumps are only cysts! And yes, caffeine in any form is a no-no - which I agree is a bummer because it's in all types of foods and beverages we like. Keep wearing the garlic and crosses and add some sage too, it will make everyone around you think of Thanksgiving.

Dee said...

Oh my. Good they are just cysts. You old lumpy boob, you. :D How did you manage to collect them on only one side.... you freak. LOL The should thing - ouch. Been there.

Old NFO said...

That's a classic good news (benign cysts), bad news (Cut Coffee???WTFO) You'll make it, just take a deep breath and hang in there.

Well Seasoned Fool said...

If told to give up coffee or die next week, the days would be used to get affairs in order.

Momma Fargo said...

I know only having them on one side is crazy. I had no idea. They both feel the same to me. I even had several other people feel them to see if they could tell the difference. Nope. Same result. No one knew a thing was different. Signed: One Lumpy Boob Girl

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
Sounds like your checkup is a mirror of my life...except for the cysts.
I chalk it up to old age...and the fact that I literally punished the hell outta my body as a "yout"...and am now paying that God-awful price.
(note to self - next life...take it EASY).

Cut down coffee???
Seriously (even when they said it can be good for your health?
I did read that someplace...honestly.
I'd change docs pronto...lol.

As for the "blood suckers"?
Eat more GARLIC...they'll think you're Italian and leave 'ya alone.
(Ever see a vampire that hailed from ROME? Nope, and now you know why).


Roll safe down there, dear.

Cheryl said...

Glad to hear that the aliens were kind enough to only inflict "benign" lumps. That had to be stressful and I am glad your lumps are the not of the serious variety.

I, too was told that some of my fibroid tumors would shrink up by alleviating caffeine. As I don't drink coffee it was much easier for me to do and I noticed a radical difference. BUT..given that your coffee is a much needed and wanted part of your diet, is there any harm in drinking it? In other words, the cysts don't do any real harm do they?