Captain's Log: (eek...fat face alert)
Day three of the Apocalypse and funny thing is I still have a job and I am still here in body, mind, and spirit. Lacking in the spirits category, however. They frown on me drinking at work.
I am sure all of you have seen some strange and bizarre behaviors from some angry Americans and others over the election. Hell, Mike Rowe even posted about licking a cat. Hilarious. I ranted about those ranting and melting down and then went silent because you can't reason with crazy. It just ain't going to happen.
Meanwhile, I laughed all the way to the bank where my 15 cents is still secure. I hope President-Elect Trump will make it grow. If not, I might give him permission to grab my pussy.
Perhaps I should get a cat before I extend that offer.
My computer screen has a big crack in it from me banging my head at the social media nonsense going around. It's like a train wreck. You can't look away. Several of my Democrat friends (yes, I have many) are posting a petition to demolish the electoral college. Now...hold the show. Didn't it work for Obama? Oh, no. Wait. He won the popular vote AND the electoral vote. See? It worked just perfect that time. But this is a 200 year old election way. We all knew going in it was this way and coming out...well, some got mad. Trump even said before the election, he didn't like the electoral vote way. It also worked for Bush, but maybe the Dems didn't like Al Gore as much as Hillary. I'm not sure which I would trust less. At least Al was not as slick and you could see him coming.
So change it? I don't know. It gives the people a voice. Make it more fair for our future? Sure, go ahead. But I don't want California or Florida to run the show and squish out the little guy it will. But whatever the people want. But you can't make it retroactive.
Let's talk about cops. If you are a user on the Faceplant...go to "Blue Blogs" and like it and follow all of us. Most are current cops. Don't think you can ambush us or target us for hate...we're right here. Come at me, bro!
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for Thou art with me. You, me, and Jesus.
Funny thing about that Jesus character.
So...I also consort with several atheists and agnostics. This one I have who was raised in a spiritual household after his alcoholic father became a born again Christian...has many doubts and some anger toward the Lord. I don't judge. I just listen.
Well, one day last week he was getting pretty full of himself and razzing me pretty good. I razz back, by the way. And then he got a little personal, so I got a lotta personal. I said, "I'm sorry you don't know me. I am a great person. But you don't take the time with your friends to get to know people."
He got a little irritated and threw back, "Bullshit. I'm sorry you don't know me. I'm sorry you don't know anything about mechanics. I'm sorry you don't know Heavy Metal..."
"I'm just sorry you don't know Jesus."
"What?" He looked truly surprised.
"I'm sorry you don't know Jesus. Not going to preach to you, of course, but such a shame. Maybe if you knew him, you wouldn't be so angry. Oh, snap! I said I wasn't going to preach. Psyche!"
Well, that shut him right up. I think I instilled some PTSD he had of his dad forcing him to go to church. Not sure where that train derailed but it sometimes happens. It's a personal choice.
I did apologize to the Lord for using him in a time of strange conversation, but I was serious about the statement even though it was a twisted moment of cracked humor.
Speaking of crack...well...sort of...
Here's a little throwback for you:
Diazepam and alcohol. It's a beautiful thing. Especially behind the wheel. Not once, but twice.
Slumped over the wheel. Engine running. Sample bottles of liquor strewn about the car. The question isn't the state of rest, but how IT got there. By IT, I mean the driver we were about to encounter.
She was thin, olive skinned, and in her 40s. Long scraggly hair, Ed Hardy knock off shirt, and sweats. Looking at her, she had a rough life. It wasn't kind to her. Weathered skin, bags under her eyes, yellowed teeth, bunions on her bare feet. Whoa. Am I describing myself? Snark intended.
At one time she may have even been a pretty lady. But no longer. Again, is it me? Mirror, mirror...
When she poured out of the Dodge Durango, we could immediately tell she was stoned and drunk. And quite the character. Nasty. She agreed to do field sobriety maneuvers much to our surprise.
OFFICER BIG CHEESE: I am going to demonstrate the Walk and Turn. ..[and he did so]
IT: Ok. [swaying, stumbling in place, then standing still...like a statue...looking down at her feet]
BIG CHEESE: Do you understand?
BIG CHEESE : Go ahead and begin whenever you are ready.
And so she did. We walked around the entire block in Hitler high stepping action and back around again. Did we stop her? Hell to the NO! We needed a nice evening stroll and besides...what great video footage!
BIG CHEESE: Ok. Now, I am going to demonstrate the One Leg Stand....[and so he did]
BIG CHEESE: Do you understand?
IT: Yep. But I'm ambidextrous and it isn't a fair test.
IT: I'm ambidextrous so this test isn't fair to me. Do you know what ambidextrous means?
ME: [holding back a smile]Yes I do. I think it means you took drugs AND alcohol today before you got behind the wheel. Whether you took them both with your left hand or one in each hand is a mystery to me.
IT: No. [turning to Big Cheese] Do you know what ambidextrous means?
BIG CHEESE: It means you like Mexican food. Now go ahead and begin when you are ready.
IT: You guys are a bunch of Nazis.
IT: Nazis. Like Hitler. This is a Hitler test.
BIG CHEESE: I don't understand what you mean.
IT: Yeah. Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [raising her hands like the swan move in The Karate Kid]
ME: [looking at Big Cheese and shrugging my shoulders] This test is more like the swan from Karate Kid minus the wings...it would be called the resting swan maneuver. Let me demonstrate.
And so BIG CHEESE and I demonstrated again. She had no clue. She was so stoned out of her head and stuck on Hitler and ambidextrous that she couldn't focus if she tried.
BIG CHEESE: Go ahead if you want to try the test. Whenever you are ready.
IT: [stepping with the left foot out and rotating in a circle, stepping out 6 inches each time.]
ME: What are you doing?
IT: Your test.
ME: Let me demonstrate again. You need to stand in one place, feet together, hands down at your side. Then raise one foot approximately 6 inches off the ground, point your toe, and count outloud. You will be doing this for 30 seconds. Do you understand?
IT: That's what I was doing.
ME: On what planet? I have no idea what that just was. With you...it's like we are world travelers...from Germany to Asia.
IT: You are mean. Hitler. Nazi...all of you. Even that kid...what is he 12. [referring to Lunch Money]
ME: [rolling eyes] He just turned 13.
BIG CHEESE: Do me a favor and turn around and look at that nice Blazer behind you.
ME: He has some pretty bracelets, but wants to surprise you. So turn around.
IT: Oh, how neat. I like jewelry.
So she got arrested and started to whine about the cops being Nazis. On the way to jail she gave Big Cheese a voodoo curse. I told him it was probably real, because when we did the towing inventory on her vehicle, she had SECRET SOCIETY letters of acceptance and books on code and voodoo curses. I tole him he should heed her warning.
Because she had taken 20 Diazepam and drank who knows how much Vodka, Big Cheese took her to the ER. The place was packed. So...he left her with Security because she was like a wounded fly and not a flight risk. Besides...she did circles. He was to pick her up after 3-4 hours. During the examination waiting time...the security guards stepped away from the rubber room for a few moments...probably to fetch a donut. She escaped. Obtaining another car...she again hit the streets of Gotham City.
DISPATCH: Units...copy for an Accident with Injuries...appears the car is stuck into the bank wall and the driver is trying to run away.
Yep. Sure enough... she ran the car right into one of our bazillion banks. Just so happened to be mine.
ME: Well, you sure are ambidextrous, alright. We have a DUI for your left and right side.
It wasn't the first night of double DUIs on the same person. We had three of them. The other two were bonded out by sober drivers and taken home. Then they got into their second vehicles and drove drunk again. It's becoming an epidemic. Pete and Repeat. Ambidextrous or something.