Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Monday, March 13, 2017

Comprehending Squirrels

Fuck is a word that encompasses many meanings. As Dr. Henry Lee always says in his classes...fuck is a noun, verb, adjective, conjunction, etc. It is the greatest word in the world. He, himself, has said it is the best word in the world and has universal meaning. I have had him sign his textbook for me at a class I attended. He asked me if there were people in Wyoming and quipped about the isolation. He thought perhaps I was the only cop there. My partner was right behind me. He signed mine "to the best detective in Wyoming" and when my partner came up I told Dr. Lee that he couldn't have the same thing on his textbook, so he signed his as "to the second best detective in Wyoming". Fitting, right? I enjoyed his humor. He isn't afraid to share it.  He ended our chat with, "Embrace fuck. It's a beautiful word." So I do. I mean, he is an expert. It's how you say it, not what you say. You could read porn to an infant and as long as you say it nicely, it doesn't matter because they don't understand. They are listening to the delivery. 

That's what I'm talking about. It's not what you say, but your delivery. Em-pha-sis on the correct syl-lab-ble. Squirrel has yet to learn the meaning of fuck, delivery, or emphasis on the right syllable. It only makes sense if you were there and if you appreciate the word.

So in order to further explain my meanings and understandings along with some comprehensions...I must demonstrate in dance. Not really. I will bring up an old story...

My rookie, Squirrel, was new in the captain's chair of my g-ride. So far, we had many humorous moments and clashes of the Titans. He was a great guy with a good heart, just punchy and over zealous. He was beyond Wheels. Wheels was compassionate. Squirrel was even more robotic and tried to keep a poker face all the time. Behind his persona was a little tiny temper. It flared once in awhile, but he really did a good job of keeping it under wraps.

We were called to back another officer on a DUI stop and deal with the passengers while he and Officer Billboard did sobriety maneuvers on the driver. Ultimately, the driver got arrested.

We were soon engulfed in a conversation with a drunk passenger. Intoxicated. For all intense purposes, he was drunk as fuck. Whatever that means. Maybe he was a drunk fucker or a fucking drunk. I don't really know which fuck he was, or perhaps...all of them. See the beauty of the word? Gotta love it.

Dr. Lee was right.

Anyfuckingnonsense, the dude soon became more and more obnoxious and was disobeying orders.   The drunk male passenger was a cowboy... handsome, tall, dark....with five o'clock shadow. All of 25 years old. The other passenger, female, was more drunk as fuck. Does that make sense? She and the other drunk fucker started to fight. It was beautiful. Action.

I enjoyed the banter to a point when the "f" word started flying loudly and citizens in the park nearby were getting offended. Had to put an end to that fucking nonsense. So I did. They shut the fuck up for a little while. Then they started in again. This time Squirrel had to interject.

At this point, the male passenger, Ranier Robb, snapped at Squirrel's brashness and started yelling at the PoPo.

RANIER ROBB: Dude! Calm the fuck down. I want out of here. She is pissing me off.  You are badge heavy. Geesh! I am laughing my fucking ass off. Little military guy. Fucking badge.

Squirrel at this point went off and the "f" bomb came out of his mouth as he pointed and leaned down into the car. The argument between the two of them was precious. Soon...that half smile, half smirk thing came across my face.  I really don't know what I just had witnessed, except it looked like a fox down a rabbit hole with his tail sticking out, trying to go after his prey. Squirrel was leaning more and more toward the dude in the car and the dude was barking back. It was nuts. As a good FTO, I felt I should have interjected sooner. I was not a good FTO. Moot point.

RANIER ROBB: Look. Your partner even thinks you are ridiculous. Fuck.

Squirrel turned and looked at me and then sauntered back toward my direction.

ME: How did that work out for ya?

SQUIRREL: Fucking crap. Asshole.

ME: You need to calm the fuck down.

SQUIRREL: I'm not bothered.

ME: Yes, you are. He is winning.

At that moment Robb leaned out of the car and antagonized Squirrel and harassed him for several more minutes. I didn't say a thing. He then pointed to me.

RANIER ROBB: You...I respect. Him. I do not. Fucking rookie soldier with a badge heavy attitude. Fuck him.

ME: Knock it off. You've made your point. Shut it.

SQUIRREL: I can defend myself.

RANIER ROBB: Apparently not. Mommy's boy.

ME: [stink eye] 

I really tried not to bust out laughing. This was a good lesson. I just needed to make sure it did not escalate out of control. It was a fine line. But sometimes, you have to let the newbies drown so they figure it out on their own.

RANIER ROBB: Ma'am, I can heckle the po-lice. It's not a crime. I respect you. Him. He can kiss my ass.

ME: Ok. You did it. Got it. Good. Done.

RANIER ROBB: Yes, ma'am!

SQUIRREL: It's OK. He's not bothering me. You don't need to protect me.

ME: [*blink*blink*] Sinking ship.

SQUIRREL: He's nothing. Doesn't even get to me.

RANIER ROBB: Whatever. I'm felony free. Felony free, baby. Fucking never been in trouble and you can't handle a drunk man making fun of you, little man. Haw!

I was again trying not to laugh. Squirrel was getting so stirred up and really trying not to get embarrassed. I think he knew he was losing the battle at this point. We waited 45 minutes for a cab for RANIER ROBB. It was a long 45 minutes. He was relentless. When the cab came up to pick up Robb, he had the last words to Squirrel and turned to me.

RANIER ROBB: I'll be going back to the bar. My big jacked up black truck will be sitting there all night. I will get a ride the fuck home. Big truck, black, sweet, nice. At the bar.

ME: I'll be watching for you. [Fingers to eyes and back at him]You know what they say about big trucks. [Held up my thumb and forefinger signifying "small".]

RANIER ROBB: Big truck. Small penis.

ME: [shaking my head in affirmation] Yep.

RANIER ROBB: You are naughty. But I like you. I don't like him. Be at the bar later. See if you can find a reason to arrest me, little soldier man.

ME: I'll keep my bracelets handy for ya.

RANIER ROBB: Fuck yeah.

SQUIRREL: Dumbass. It wasn't sexual. She's going to arrest you. Maybe not before I will.

RANIER ROBB: Wound tight. Talk about little problems. Yours is tiny.

ME: Get. In. The. Cab. [smirk]

RANIER ROBB: [laughing] Good night.

I smirked as he was hauled off by the cab. Squirrel started to chime in after me.

SQUIRREL: You need to be more assertive. You let guys like that win. He thought you were a pushover and a pansy.

ME: [glancing down at him] Really? Perhaps you had better reevaluate that. You don't need to get all assed up at people. You can also relax and go along with their nonsense to keep the peace. And I don't really give a fuck what he thinks of me. Just because I talked in a calm voice, laughed, and stood back and let his banter rage on, doesn't mean I didn't have authority and control. He knew it. Who had more control anyway? Me or you. Imagine if you were alone with the guy. Or I was. Which one of us would have gotten through that without a scuffle or high emotions? 

SQUIRREL: You give in to them. You are too laid back all the time. You need to get in their face.

ME: Never. Command presence. Delivery. Choice of words. Confidence. Emphasis on the right syllable. Much to learn, grasshopper. You see, when he got way over to the right, I reined him in a little. I didn't infringe on his rights of free speech. Tone. Pitch. Voice command. I really didn't care what he was saying. I was watching his body language. Keeping him busy until he could get a ride. Sometimes...that involves entertaining their notions without letting go of control. Interject a little, let a little go. It's like fishing. Learn the meanings of fuck. And the one you really want to know is how not to look like a fucking idiot cop. You get assed up and let them see you struggle, you lose. Then they know your triggers and keep pulling them. 

Squirrel still didn't get it. He strutted his turkey feathers back to the car. Smashing his turkey feathers was going to be the death of me.


Coffeypot said...

Well now that the good doctor has proclaimed FUCK the best word in the world, I guess that makes me a fucking linguist. Know what I fucking mean?

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
A great story...damn near laughed my ass off because it's TRUE in a lot of ways.And yes, nothing is AS flexible as the word fuck.
Shame it's not something they (formally) teach in school...(yet) most of the students ALREADY know about it. Crazy, huh?

Good post.

Roll safe down there, Kiddo.

.45ACP+P said...

Good story. Much can be learned by those inclined to do so. By the way, the phrase is "For all intents and purposes". Hard to parse out if you have only heard and not read it previously.