Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

We Don't Do Fashion

Sometimes we run into people that by their mere existence irritate us. Why is that so? We are supposed to be  non-judgmental (whoa) and full of grace. So is it window dressing? Are the police really objective and not subjective? Come on, now. We are humans. I think sometimes our objective views are subjective. Does that make sense? I try to be neutral, but sometimes I get tired of being the fence.
I'm an angel. I love all people. No one irritates the police. 

Officer Friday and I had taken a call where an elderly woman had been beaten up by her daughter who was an alcoholic and on a binge. The daughter was the alcoholic on a binge, not the elderly mother. But the elderly mother was also an alcoholic and on most days had "continent issues" according to the son in law. I was confused upon this notion and asked about it for clarification. Not land issues. Incontinence. Whew. That made more sense. The woman had MS and was about 75 years old...the mother. She wore depends. Her daughter had been her caretaker for years and was in and out of trouble, a drunk, and all this at the age of 49 years old. Her son in law was reporting the crime, crying, and telling the woman...the mother... it was time to tell the truth and stop covering up for the daughter.

Who wants to tell the truth to the police? Like no one.

She was bruised, cut, and beaten. The house was in disarray with several things broken and the phone ripped from the wall. It was apparent the house was normally neat and tidy. However, today was a special day of domestic violence decorating and boozer interior design takeover. While calling 911, the daughter took the phone away and jerked it out of the wall.

The suspect fled after beating her mother over an argument about beer and Depends. I shit you not. Wait. That pun was not intended.

Mom wears Depends due to her loss of bowel functions, or perhaps it's just easier to drink and drink and pee and not have to get up. I don't know. Maybe it's a drunk thing. News to me.

Anypeepeepants, after having a few Bud Lights, Mom peed her Depends.She asked her daughter if she could help her change them and started to get up to the bathroom. Whammo! Mom was knocked down and well...the rest is above.

Enter the PoPo.

I got Mom to tell me the truth, photographed her injuries and the house. Daughter was on the run.

She would be back. After all, she was drunk. I know drunks. They like to be next to their beer. And I was next to her beer. So there I was.

Sooner than later, the daughter came back. We were around the corner waiting like a fox in a hen house. Well, actually, foxes don't wait in the hen house. How about similar to a fox in a rabbit hole? No. That's not it either. They just have their butt in the air while catching dinner. How about NOT comparing the PoPo to a sly fox. How about a wolf stalking Red Riding Hood? Yep. That's it. I think. I don't know what the heck got me started on that.

Anydigression, the daughter called 911 asking to have drug dealers removed from the house. Whiskey-tango-foxtrot? I don't know. Drunks are hard to figure. Where were the drug dealers? I can always spot one and certainly had not in my visit inside this particular residence.

We enter. Again.

She was loaded with alcohol and probably some prescription candies, yelling, and had a gravelly voice which irritated me. She definitely wasn't Adele. So. I told her she was under arrest. The fight was on. For about two seconds.

I took Miss Elder Abuser (all 110 pounds) and threw her onto to the sofa and handcuffed her up. I don't think I even broke a sweat. She was bitching, yelling, and carrying on. She also was yelling at her mother to tell the police that she didn't hit her. Officer Friday and I ignored all the raging and ranting.

It was winter. (random sentence)

As a nice police officer, I thought I would offer her some shoes so she would not have to walk out there in the cold Wyoming climate...barefoot. She kicked two different pair of shoes away. Apparently, she didn't like the fact they didn't match her outfit and she would not wear them.

Yeah. No.

The PoPo obviously don't do fashion. Otherwise we would match our nails and lipstick to our uniforms with pretty hair ties and we would give a shit about what all our prisoners wear and coordinate, including fantastic accessories. I could give a shit if you wear a bunny suit or go naked. When I say you are going to jail, you go... the way you are. So if you are planning on going to jail...make sure you match and have clean underwear. NOT MY JOB.

As you would guess it, the daughter was taken to the police car by Officer Friday and although we could have carried her, she was a big girl and had to walk across the ground. Maybe...next time...she will put shoes on when they are provided to her. Again, I think people over 18 can adult.

I was THE bitch. Not A bitch, but THE bitch. I was so proud.

DAUGHTER: You know you are a BITCH! I can't believe you made me walk across cold ground. And you ripped me from my home for NO reason. I didn't beat my mother. I am not drunk.You listening to me, Bitch? Cop? You hear me? You have false arrested me! You need to take me home right now!

ME: Yep. We just picked on you for no apparent reason. What is false arrested? Is it like false teeth?

DAUGHTER: Bitch! You ripped me from my home!

ME: YES I did.

DAUGHTER: Why did you do that?

ME: Because you didn't go willingly.

DAUGHTER: I didn't do anything.

ME: Bullshit. Besides when I say the words UNDER ARREST, that means I'm the boss. About everything.

DAUGHTER: Shit. Well don't you think you are Miss Princess.

ME: Actually, I am the PRINCESS PARTY POOPER. No more beer for you. Perhaps when you sober up, reality might set in, and you can make better choices.

DAUGHTER: I don't understand why you have to be such a bitch.

OFFICER FRIDAY: Now that's enough. You got yourself in this situation.

DAUGHTER: I was asking a question!

OFFICER FRIDAY: We are tired of your questions.

ME: You have the right to remain silent.

DAUGHTER: Well, I don't want to be silent.

ME: O..silent night. Holy night...{singing in my Opera voice}

DAUGHTER: Christmas is over, bitch! You think you are so funny.

ME: I am. Aren't I? Officer Friday, aren't I funny?

OFFICER FRIDAY: You ARE funny and you are such a BITCH!

DAUGHTER: Thank you. 

ME: So happy we could finally please you.

DAUGHTER: Could you please pull up my shirt so my titties aren't hanging out when I get in there?

[record scratch]


ME: Yeah. We don't do that.

DAUGHTER: Why not? I asked nicely.

ME: We don't do FASHION.


Mad Jack said...

How often have you heard, "I'm gonna sue your ass for false arrest!"

I expect that somewhere, someone has been sued for false arrest. Maybe the case even went to trial, but I'm betting most do not.

I hate drunks. I have no patience with them; they're loud, messy, and often want to fight. I note that the po-po rarely arrest a happy drunk. In fact, I'll be the po-po rarely encounter a happy drunk. You know?

Old NFO said...

Drunks are their own special brand of hell...

Cheryl said...

Oh the things your eyes have seen. I truly love your way of relaying stories. AND YES you are funny!!! Maybe drunks aren't keenly aware of how funny you are???? See...now there is just one of the many reasons people shouldn't become drunks. Beating up one's mother is a second reason. I can think of many others but, I am sure you already know them.

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
Guess you could categorize those arrestees as that "special kinda stupid".
Then again, when substance (and yes, fashion) gets ABUSED in manners such as those mentioned, what else can you conclude, right?
Doesn't matter if you wear the shield or not...unless you are taking them for a free ride downtown.
They all get to wear ORANGE after that (fashion be damned)...lol.

Very good post.

Roll safe down there, Kiddo.

Well Seasoned Fool said...

anyone who can deal with drunks and not beat the shit out of them has my admiration.