Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...







Thursday, April 27, 2017

Sexual Violence and Books...What the Erpie Derp?

Howdy! We are brought to you today by peas and carrots...

I am drowning in college finals and projects if anyone cares. I don't read the materials all the way and mostly skim them. Most of the time, anyway. It's a lot of text. I can't read past 10 words without falling asleep. I mean, who writes these textbooks anyway? Oh. The instructors. So boring. I write a lot of window dressing in my papers, otherwise known as bullshit. I do take my research projects seriously, however. I'm pretty exhausted. It is easier being a cop.

Yep. That's my comparison.

This is how I roll in college. 


April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and the month is coming to an end. Please don't stop the good fight to reduce sexual violence.

 (Fargo going off the rails here)

I mean, if you choose to engage in violent sex like S & M, then that is your choice but don't force it on others. That's what I'm saying.

(back on the rails)

Anyway, I wrote a pretty bold ditty about rape culture here.   

(back off the rails)

Pass me around on Twitter and Facebook and share me like a Thursday hooker. 

I don't think that is probably very appropriate verbage near the topic, but I'm a funny person, but serious about reducing sexual violence. Make sense? Kapeesh? Kapeesh.

(derailed the train)

On the home front, Gotham City is suffering greatly and my old CPD is in turmoil. 🙀🙀🙀🙀🙀You can google it or read about it everywhere because it is just sad. I might have some things to say about that later. But for now, I'm studying, studying, studying...




I'm kind of a little pscyho about getting A's. I am making up for my undergrad which was horrific and boozy in nature. I think I partied my way to a degree at UW. No, I'm pretty sure I did.

Anyperfectionistproblems, here I sit. And wait. Group presentation today. I'm going to wing it. Why? Because I do.

Luckily, I have a mouth and I can just get up in front of people and roll some bs off my tongue and my instructor will be like...

Bravo. And I will smile and say thank you. In my mind, I will think...whew...another day another good day of coming up with some fluff to impress the teacher. I got this.

I think.

Please God, it's me Fargo. Please let me get A's. 🙌🙏

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Summer Pool, Schweaty Balls, and Other Flavors

Captain's Log:

)&#$^()*#&$)@#&*($^





Current status: Frazzled from Grad School Meteor Shower


Navigational readings: Dazed and confused

Ship's course: Steadfast ahead

I think Oliver is feeling the effects as well.

So, meanwhile, I will be starting another research project, working on a final exam essay response paper, a group project, and discussion boards. Is there enough Advil and wine in this world? Just kidding. I don't write my papers under the influence.

However...here is a blast from the past about the first time bath salts started to float our way into Gotham City...


Interesting topics always pop up in briefing. For instance...we all discussed the latest craze that started with teenagers experimenting. 

And where they come up with this stuff is beyond me...but yet another product on the market that we will probably end up regulating. 

Can't anyone just use the products the way they were made and intended?

LT. KANOOK: Everyone knows of the newest thing where they are smoking the bath salts?

OFFICER BIG CHEESE: Yeah. Everyone should know they are smoking these bath salts, hallucinate like LSD, then do something crazy..usually driving into a house or something.

ME: So...I bet we can guess what the best flavor is for the biggest high.

OFFICER SAVVY: Cucumber melon?

OFFICER SHINY KEYS: I'm liking musk...no wait....sandalwood.

ME: Jasmine moonlight

CAPTAIN: Ocean breeze.

ME: Yeah. Ocean breeze has to give you the biggest high. It sounds like its from California.

LEPRESHAWN: Yeah.

THE ENGLISH: Bacon. Bacon flavor.

ME: Would that be a pun on cops? I think bacon flavor would totally be ironic.  What about Schweaty Balls? 

THE ENGLISH: Gross.

ME: What about "Boob Schweat"? "Dirty Money?"

OFFICER SHINY KEYS: Hey, Big Cheese, does it show up what flavor on the test? [laughs]

OFFICER SAVVY: Yeah...what color is their tongue...does that show what flavor?

ME: I wonder if we can tell if it is "Wet Dog" or "Sorority House Rose" or "Yankee My Wankee" or "Blueberry Bromance" and stuff. 

[laughs from the team]

BIG CHEESE: You guys are so funny. This is serious stuff.

LT. KANOOK: No seriously. It's like an epidemic with kids now. You guys need to be aware of this and take it very seriously. Call Big Cheese if you need some assistance. He was informed on the last conference and we have been seeing a lot of here already. 

ME: Yeah. Make them breathe on you so you know if you are dealing with quality brands or generic flavors. It could make a difference in their highs. 

*snork*

OFFICER SHINY KEYS: "Oh, yeah, officer...I forgot to tell you my dealer's name is Bed, Bath, and Beyond."

Yes, we amuse ourselves. 

Friday, April 7, 2017

Momster Chronicles #450984

Good morning! May you have a peaceful day full of awesome sauce! In the sweetness of friendship, let us share light, happiness, and exchange pleasures. And you, sir, are still going to be ugly in the afternoon when I am sober. Just kidding. I'm sober now.

I bet you didn't know that I just globbed a bunch of brainy quotes together for that compilation of hogwash. Well, it isn't all hogwash. I do wish good things upon all of you.

To lighten our spirits, I must share some great parenting skills. Being a cop has many advantages in parenthood. There are obvious reasons, but the best is my art of interrogation skills. The kid doesn't even know what hits her..

"Mom, I have done something that you don't know. I am not going to tell you. It's a secret that some of my friends know."

"Did you have sex?"

"What! No! I am not that kind of girl! You should be proud to have me. I have told everyone I wear a purity ring and I mean it."

"Well, that's good. I'm proud of you. I'm not ready to be a grandma. And don't ask me to take car of your kid, er..my grandchild. I am too busy trying to life myself, let alone life for you. Did you decide to go to first base?"

"Kissing? I have done that. You know. I told you."

"No, the boobs."

"Ew. Gross, mom! No! Everyone in my school knows not to touch me."

"Wow. That might be seen as a challenge to some or a lifelong spinster sentence, and maybe to the good boys...a deterrent." 

"What?"

"Never mind. Are you going to tell me you use tampons now?"

"Ugh! Mom, you know I tried them and I didn't like them. I use pads. What do I always tell you to buy at the store? Pads."

"You better not have tried pot. Have you been hanging out with potheads?"

"Mom! I don't do drugs and you know it! My friends don't either. We don't talk to those kids."

"Some kids peddle scripts to get you started on something and that is the big thing now."

"You are making me mad! I can't believe you think I would do drugs."

"Well, I know you have drank alcohol."

"That was in front of you. You gave it to me to try and I spit it out. It is nasty!"

"Well, how do I know you didn't acquire the taste or go to a party and start drinking."

"Mom. It is gross. I don't even drink pop."

*blink*blink*

"I caught you that one day you stole the car."

"I didn't steal the car. I drove it when you were gone and parked in the garage to clean it. "

"Still. That's very bad. You don't have a license."

"I have a permit."

"Not the same. End of discussion. No more of that because you will be only riding a bicycle if you break more car rules. Stealing cars is the gateway crime to robbing banks and homicide sprees. So if you are thinking about having sex, you can talk to me."

"Mom! I am not doing sex. I am waiting for marriage."

"Well, maybe we should talk about your school stuff."

"What about it? I have all my homework done."

"Well, don't be cheating on an exam for school or helping anyone cheat. You have to keep your grades up for your scholarship. And cheating will get you no where fast. It's  like worse than being Satan. Colleges won't look at you. You might be able to get a job at Burger King, though."

"Mom, I am an overachiever and I only do it myself and you know that! Stop saying bad stuff about me! It's making me mad!"

"Well, I just worry about you. I don't want you to get arrested or in trouble at school. Have you robbed a bank lately?"

"Mom! My parents are cops! I can't do anything wrong because you will know. Then my head will be through a sheet rock wall as you say."

"No. That's what I said about my childhood if I got in big trouble. But, I might repeat history if you are naughty. Genes and all. So what was it you wanted to keep secret from me?"

"Mom! I'm not going to tell you."

"Did you kill someone?"

"I am a very moral person. You don't even know your own daughter. I am done! You don't get me! I am going to go do some homework. You better learn that you are lucky to have me as a daughter. I could be a rotten kid. They are out there, you know."

[stomp, stomp]

So I called after her as she stomped away, "I don't think it is really that nefarious of a secret since I just used a process of elimination..."

I got no response.



See what I did there.

My daughter has never tried drugs nor had sex. She is still wearing her purity ring. She hasn't even gotten to the touchy stuff. In fact, I would say she is a big chicken shit when it comes to breaking norms or moral codes. She isn't using tampons which I wouldn't care if she was. She is not cheating or helping anyone cheat. She is not doing crime. She is not drinking alcohol. Although she felt guilty about moving the car without my permission, she learned her lesson.

I feel pretty good.