Good morning! May you have a peaceful day full of awesome sauce! In the sweetness of friendship, let us share light, happiness, and exchange pleasures. And you, sir, are still going to be ugly in the afternoon when I am sober. Just kidding. I'm sober now.
I bet you didn't know that I just globbed a bunch of brainy quotes together for that compilation of hogwash. Well, it isn't all hogwash. I do wish good things upon all of you.
To lighten our spirits, I must share some great parenting skills. Being a cop has many advantages in parenthood. There are obvious reasons, but the best is my art of interrogation skills. The kid doesn't even know what hits her..
"Mom, I have done something that you don't know. I am not going to tell you. It's a secret that some of my friends know."
"Did you have sex?"
"What! No! I am not that kind of girl! You should be proud to have me. I have told everyone I wear a purity ring and I mean it."
"Well, that's good. I'm proud of you. I'm not ready to be a grandma. And don't ask me to take car of your kid, er..my grandchild. I am too busy trying to life myself, let alone life for you. Did you decide to go to first base?"
"Kissing? I have done that. You know. I told you."
"No, the boobs."
"Ew. Gross, mom! No! Everyone in my school knows not to touch me."
"Wow. That might be seen as a challenge to some or a lifelong spinster sentence, and maybe to the good boys...a deterrent."
"Never mind. Are you going to tell me you use tampons now?"
"Ugh! Mom, you know I tried them and I didn't like them. I use pads. What do I always tell you to buy at the store? Pads."
"You better not have tried pot. Have you been hanging out with potheads?"
"Mom! I don't do drugs and you know it! My friends don't either. We don't talk to those kids."
"Some kids peddle scripts to get you started on something and that is the big thing now."
"You are making me mad! I can't believe you think I would do drugs."
"Well, I know you have drank alcohol."
"That was in front of you. You gave it to me to try and I spit it out. It is nasty!"
"Well, how do I know you didn't acquire the taste or go to a party and start drinking."
"Mom. It is gross. I don't even drink pop."
"I caught you that one day you stole the car."
"I didn't steal the car. I drove it when you were gone and parked in the garage to clean it. "
"Still. That's very bad. You don't have a license."
"I have a permit."
"Not the same. End of discussion. No more of that because you will be only riding a bicycle if you break more car rules. Stealing cars is the gateway crime to robbing banks and homicide sprees. So if you are thinking about having sex, you can talk to me."
"Mom! I am not doing sex. I am waiting for marriage."
"Well, maybe we should talk about your school stuff."
"What about it? I have all my homework done."
"Well, don't be cheating on an exam for school or helping anyone cheat. You have to keep your grades up for your scholarship. And cheating will get you no where fast. It's like worse than being Satan. Colleges won't look at you. You might be able to get a job at Burger King, though."
"Mom, I am an overachiever and I only do it myself and you know that! Stop saying bad stuff about me! It's making me mad!"
"Well, I just worry about you. I don't want you to get arrested or in trouble at school. Have you robbed a bank lately?"
"Mom! My parents are cops! I can't do anything wrong because you will know. Then my head will be through a sheet rock wall as you say."
"No. That's what I said about my childhood if I got in big trouble. But, I might repeat history if you are naughty. Genes and all. So what was it you wanted to keep secret from me?"
"Mom! I'm not going to tell you."
"Did you kill someone?"
"I am a very moral person. You don't even know your own daughter. I am done! You don't get me! I am going to go do some homework. You better learn that you are lucky to have me as a daughter. I could be a rotten kid. They are out there, you know."
So I called after her as she stomped away, "I don't think it is really that nefarious of a secret since I just used a process of elimination..."
I got no response.
See what I did there.
My daughter has never tried drugs nor had sex. She is still wearing her purity ring. She hasn't even gotten to the touchy stuff. In fact, I would say she is a big chicken shit when it comes to breaking norms or moral codes. She isn't using tampons which I wouldn't care if she was. She is not cheating or helping anyone cheat. She is not doing crime. She is not drinking alcohol. Although she felt guilty about moving the car without my permission, she learned her lesson.
I feel pretty good.