Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Friday, June 2, 2017

The New Hans and Frans

Remember SNL's Hans and Frans? It's fake. People aren't like that really. This is the cop version of the show. 

I stumbled upon a journal entry from patrol days. Drug addicts in the later stages of their lives are not purty. There is no other way to describe them except for what is observed. Drug addiction is not pretty either. In fact, it is horrendous and painful for the person and everyone associated with them. The below story is very real in trying to draw a picture of the smells and sights in front of me. And ode to the best frequent flyers, "One-Eyed Susan" has since passed on.

My sergeant and I respond to a family fight which took us to two addresses. Suspect and victim. They were separated prior to the call which was a good thing. That way we were not in the middle of a domestic and they had time to cool off.

Walking my way to the suspect's house, One-eyed Susan (not like the flower), I was preparing to speak to her. Upon approach, I saw a car blacked out and parked caddywhompus on the sidewalk with two subjects slumped down in the front seat. Now, the family fight turned out to be bogus, so these fellers were a must see. My attention got diverted. The Popo can't ignore criminal activity afoot or acar.

We snuck up on them and I shined the light into the car. They started the engine. Perhaps they thought they would make a fast getaway.  I was about to slam my flashlight on their car and tell them to STOP when the car died. Thank God for jalopies. But it was sad I didn't get to have a foot chase involving a car. I might have beat this one.

The two were fumbling around in the car, putting things under the seat, and shaking like leaves. This is what we call a CLUE.

So, after I told them to sit up in their seats, I immediately recognized them as Frick and Frack...a couple of old dopers. When I say old, I mean one is 40's and the other is 60's. That's old for a doper.

They both have been in the dope business for over 20 years. After talking to them for a while, we both realized the shaking like a leaf thing we observed in the two men was probably meth induced. And they had secretly (well as secretly as they could muster) stuffed a bindle of meth into a pack of cigarettes and it was sticking out of the package. I do have observations skills, especially when it is right in front of me.

So, the Sarge asked, "What's in the cigarette pack?" 

No response. In fact, an awkward and.long pause of silence ensued. We asked them again. Nothing. Not even a word. The two appeared stumped. This was captured on video...see snapshot below:

Sarge asked, " Who's cigarette pack is in the console?"

Both responded that it wasn't theirs and they didn't know to whom it belonged. I told them they both had the same kind of cigarette in their hand and were smoking them. I found it odd. They looked at their cigarettes and said, "What? Huh? Oh, we borrowed these." 

Egads, this was going to take all night. 

So, we asked them if it wasn't their cigarette pack, could we see it? 

Long pause of silence. No response. 

We asked again. They shrugged their shoulders. 

Frick said, "Well, it isn't mine, so I don't know. " 

Frack replied, "Not mine. Don't know anything about it." 

So I thought I would razzle dazzle them with logic and said, "Well, if they aren't yours, then you don't mind if I see them?" 

Frick puzzled, "Well, I don't care. Frack, it's your cigarettes. Do you care if I give 'em to her?" 

Frack panicked at Frick's response but continued, "They're not mine.Go ahead." 

Frick handed the cigarettes to me. And yes, it was a bindle of meth. Ta da!

So, while I was examining the cigarette pack, my Sarg asked them how they were doing which was just conversation starter "ice breaker" type chit chat. 

Frick told us he was doing swell, just celebrated his kid's first birthday.

I broke out in song..."Stop the music..."Did you say 1st? As in your kiddo is one years old?"

Frick said, "Oh, yeah. We just had a party." 

Me thinks to myself...yikes...and then this visual pops in me head:

I know. It was a mean thought, but when you see the environment and parental species, you don't think of regular cute babies.

Egads. I needed to focus on my dope bust. 

We moved away from small talk and asked them what they were doing in that particular spot. 

Frick volunteered, "Oh, we came to party with One-Eyed Susan." 

The two ended up getting arrested. We couldn't let a felony meth bust just go by the way side. In the middle of Miranda (not a girl...but a declaration of rights), One-Eyed Susan showed up. She focused on my Sergeant and we were all aware of her infatuation and she loves him. He is the apple of her one eye. Ack! I know. Mean. Cops are cynical and means sometimes. It keeps us sane or something. 

One-Eyed Susan is very vocal, always making a fuss. It's her nature. We are used to it. She was really upset her two party men weren't going to take her out on the town. 

Now, she is not a spry young thing either. According to Susan, they were going to "get it on". Lord have mercy. I'm guessing the boys had to take some Viagra (meth) before the party. I didn't want to know and I didn't ask and I surely should not have had that visual in my head. 

In the car, Frack and I talked about the party. He told me that meth makes him last for hours and he can have wild, crazy sex and he can't help it. Imagine the things cops learn in the patrol car. It's like going to the beauty shop only better.

I told him I have heard that before but the after effects were not worth it. 

"Like what?" 

I said, "Like jail, like losing your teeth, your hair, your wits. Like it makes you brain damaged, causes permanent schizophrenia, makes you stupider (that is a word), and scabs form, you see bugs, you lose your job, you become a crack ho, etc. Do you get my picture?" 

"Well, yeah, but that one time..." 

I said, "Like that one time in band camp ....when the cop busted my stupid ass before I could get it on... and now I'm going to the pen...and I have Bubba stuck up my ass kinda time?" 

Frack said, "Well...yeah...I guess." 

"You guess?" 

Well, the conversations only got better. And at the jail, it was like old home week. The old jailers remembered Frick and Frack on their first bust 20 years ago. And they all yucked it up. Fun was had by all except Susan. No One-Eyed Susan orgies. Today, we prevented another Frickle or Frackle from entering the world and taking after mom and pop. Drugs and crime are generational and taught in the home. Sometimes we can save one child or a child saves themselves. But it really is a sad deal.  It's a war out there. 


Mad Jack said...

It makes me wonder what those two would be like without drugs. Probably somewhat better off, but still derelicts.

Coffeypot said...

She said, "That's okay, boys. I'll keep and eye out for you."

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
---ROFLMAO...now THIS one of the BEST ways to start my weekend.
((This is what we call a CLUE))...damn near pissed myself over that one. Nice call.

Frick and Frack...what would the world BE without those two showing the hell up damn near every place on most any day?

Great post...funny as hell, but you should post a:
"Momma Fargo Warning - Do not read this while drinking any fluids, as it could spontaneously spurt from your nose onto your keyboard" ...heh.
Have yourself a great weekend.

Roll safe down there, Kiddo.

Old NFO said...

Yep, they ARE out there, and yes, they DO breed... sigh

Well Seasoned Fool said...

As the years go by I am even more grateful for the kindly county sheriff that told me, in words to effect, "Any knucklehead who has been thrown out of every high school football game has no place in law enforcement". How do you keep your cool?