Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...







Monday, May 3, 2010

The Daily Dose of Insanity...Serial Killah Monday Minute

Another Monday...another INSANE Monday Minute. This one takes the cake...er, finger. Ian,  the serial KILLAH...has asked them...I was required to answer. He puts so much pressure on me! Check the freak him out here. Don't leave your IP address, tho. He might hunt you down...and you might end up in his freezer...or something. See my responses below...but first...some POLICE BLOTTER...

Another fatal accident...I'm going to rename our little city advertisements from their current slogan to..FATAL ATTRACTIONS...COME GET SOME ACTION. PEOPLE ARE DYING TO GET HERE.

Why can't people fly drive right? We are seriously raising some concerns on the different reasons why people are having extreme crashes and fatalities. Some are drunk, sober, huffing, high...
There is no rhyme or reason or pattern. It scares us coppers.

Here is some police radio traffic DE-Cyphering cop code for all you scanner peeps...

I call this officer BIG CHEESE...beause he looks like he's from Wisconsin and eats a lot of cheese.

Big Cheese was the first to arrive at the fatal accident last night. Here is the radio traffic and some of our conversation. There was debris and carnage everywhere on this one.

BIG CHEESE: (over the radio) Roll medical. SEVERE head trauma.

DISPATCH: copy

BIG CHEESE: (over the radio) Disregard medical. Fire is here. They're going to call it.

DISPATCH: copy

BIG CHEESE: (over the radio) They called it. We have a 79. Notify the sergeant.

DISPATCH: copy

I get on scene and go check it out. I looked down at the dead guy...looked up at BIG CHEESE.

ME: You actually were going to call medical on this one?

BIG CHEESE: Well. [shrugs shoulders] There are people watching up there. [points to top of hill]

ME: Half his frickin' head is missing, dude. *blink* blink*

BIG CHEESE: Yeah, I know.

ME: What. Did you think the paramedics were going to do? Duct tape it together?

BIG CHEESE: Yeah, I know. It's great for everything but this scenario. [cheesy smirk, giggle]

Sarg shows up.

SARG: [to Big Cheese] What. Did you think they were going to put all that back together and tape it? *blink* blink*

NOW FOR SERIAL KILLAH MONDAY MINUTE...


1 - How much would you have to be paid to eat a human cadaver's finger?

Gut reaction to this question: What the eff is wrong with you, man? *blink* blink*

Well, first, I am very worried about how many of these "trophies" Ian is keeping in his freezer. Can you say Jeffrey Dahmer? YIKES! Well I am all about Fear Factor and being a money whore! I need to know if the finger will be frozen, fresh, sloughing, or liquified? Diseases? And I would only eat the birdie (FU) finger. PPPPP-UKE! I have a trigger gag reflex. You would have to promise me BAZILLIONS weeks in advance..in cash...in small bills... and then I probably would still barf and cave. Then... I would take that money and run before anyone could catch me not fulfilling my end of the bargain.

Seriously? Where does Ian come up with this shit? Probably while sitting on the pot...taking a number 2.


2 - Describe the worst physical fight you've ever been in.

Myself and a veteran officer, Munchies, responded to the homeless transition home for a woman that was being kicked out of the housing district. She wouldn't leave when told to since she broke the rules and her housing contract. She had been evicted through the sheriff's department and the next step was physical removal of her person by the popo.  And she was scaring the residents and had assaulted a worker. They also suspected she was high on meth or some other drug. They didn't want to press charges, they just wanted her to leave. So...we enter her 4 x 5 room.

Large woman. Six foot tall. Gurlzilla type. We tell her the way the city runs the housing. We tell her the law. We tell her to leave. She had sat down on the bed prior to our arrival and appeared calm, but stubborn. She said she "felt depressed." The other officer said she was not getting out of it by claiming she was depressed...she had to leave. She said she "felt a little suicidal." The other officer said we could take her to the mental ward and she could check in there. She said NO. Taken aback by a dumb response...we figured she was trying to get out of the problems and take the easy way out to free room and board.

Then...she said she would show us she was suicidal. She had been sitting on a pair of scissors and in a split second grabbed them and stabbed them into her stomach. Little did we know...she was mostly acting and due to her fat rolls, she had not penetrated herself. But we acted. Munchies grabbed her arm and hand with the scissors. I grabbed the other. The fight was on. We were in a sardine can fighting the BIG TUNA.

So Big Tuna goes psycho. Initially...we had poor control. And add drugs to adrenaline...you get retard strength. She got a few punches in and knocked Munchies glasses off. I unloaded my entire can of pepper spray in her eyes. Munchies unloaded his. No effect. The scissors had been taken away from her and now she was throwing punches. And so were we. No tasers in those days. I punched and punched. Munchies punched and punched. No effect. What the hell? We gave her a MILLION knee strikes and some landed in her belly...over and over. All she did was make "oof" noises on top of her banshee screaming of pyschotic rage.  I, in the heat of the moment, had still been clinging to my can of pepper spray and so my punches should have been extra kung pow terrific. The Big Tuna bitch was something else.  I think except for most of the face shots, that our punches were futile and were absorbed in her fat rolls, resulting in just small effects.

It dawned on me that I had my pepper spray can in my hand. They are made out of sturdy metal. So I took that hand...my good right hand..and I'm right handed (unless I shoot...which is left handed with long rifles, right with handgun. ) and I hit her as hard as I could on her forehead with the end of my pepper spray can. Down she went. Ding dong... the witch was dead ...out cold. Ha!

Perhaps you can guess that with the unloading of two cans of high potency pepper spray in a small room with no ventilation that  Munchies and I were practically blind, his glasses were broken, and we were gagging, coughing, and spewing mucous from every membrane. It was beautiful.

After the ambulance got there and we strapped the Big Tuna to the gurney...with smelling salts...she awoke. I looked down at her. NICE! I had implanted a perfect impression of the pepper spray in her forehead. BONUS! Thank you, Defense Technologies! She looked up at me and said I was one mean bitch and so was the other girl. Poor Munchies. He doesn't look like a girl. Maybe he hit like one. I don't know.

We later learned she had taken PCP laced marijuana. Nice combo. Super RETARD strength added to psycho, huge, and a bitchy woman! Can I say retard strength enough times?  Our uniforms were torn, Munchies had a black eye, and broken glasses. I just had some bruises on my legs and a few scratches on top of my uniform carnage. So what happens when you give PCP to a big fish?...MARVELOUS CAT FIGHT!

3 - Name one song that if you never heard it ever again, you'd be thrilled.

ANYTHING BRITTNEY SPEARS. Or Justin Bieber singing love songs. I get visuals and isn't he like, 8? Ick.

4 - Describe the "drunkest" situation you've ever been.

I would tell you...but I don't remember...HA! College was bad.

Probably the night my college roommate drove drunk and parked the car on the lawn in Prexie's Pasture at the University of Wyoming. So there, became my desire for lawn parking that I would do later in life myself as the popo. Star performance and so glad she didn't kill anyone. We actually woke up under a tree and found the car later. Have no idea what happened before that.

Or this one time at band camp, again, ...in college...when I discovered I am allergic to Vodka. Passed completely out and woke up in the ER. At a .38 BAC. Asked for a popcicle. NICE. It cost me $643.00. Friends had video. It was like Kim Bassinger in Blind Date. WOW. Apparently, I danced on tables at a bar (fully clothed) like Elaine's (Julie Louis-Dreyfus) magic moments dancing on Seinfeld (beautiful), got up and sang like a freaking tone deaf American Idol with the band on the stage,  and punched a 300 pound bouncer in the face, then fell right in front of him. Nice big man carried me to the car and friends promptly took me to the ER.

Proud moments in history. NOT.

5 - What's your biggest regret?

Oh, there are lots. My VERY biggest regret is not being able to give Ian a NUT CHOP for these questions he forces us to answer.

Ian's cop pop quiz answers are below. See how you faired:

Ian’s (Last Friday) Questions…True or False

1. In 2003, I went undercover to investigate a prostitution ring for 6 months. It scared me at first. After awhile I got used to being a ho…or at least pretending. My information made the case go federal and the FBI took over it.

False. Never happened. Dang and I wanted to dress like a slut.


2. My first case as a detective was a huge counterfeiting ring also involving over $300,000 in stolen property. Two of the suspects died in a fatal crash. The ring leader had a phony identity he had used for years and he was enlisted in the US Army. When captured, he commended me for figuring out who he was and stated… even the US government had no idea who he really was. He asked, “Who are you? The FBI?” His father had been on the FBI’s Top Ten Most Wanted list and one of the US’s most famous bank robbers.
True.


3. I told Vince Neil (Motley Crue) he was a troll at one of his concerts.
True. We often get assigned to concerts as the popo because of obvious problems and large crowds.

4. I have had several suspects threaten to kill me when they get out of prison. The one I believed would try to do it, died in prison and I always believed he was a serial killer. No charges of murder were ever brought against him, although the federal judge said his record was the worst and most violent he had ever witnessed in his court. The judge, being a federal judge for over 20 years, was very upset and gave him the maximum sentence possible for his parole violation which was a whopping 2 years max sentence. The judge said in open court he wished he could mandate life.

True. And I took my weak ass shit case to court to save people because it was all I had. He also had a state charge and 3 year sentence on top of the 2 year federal one.


5. I did CPR on a dead guy and encouraged a citizen to help me.


True. But we didn’t know he was dead yet. Well, OK,  I figured he was.

6. I have been on CourtTV and A & E’s Cold Case.


False. Spoke to them about some of my famous bad guys, tho.

7. Once when trying to crack a tough robbery, case, I got a blank VCR tape and put “ Holiday Inn Express Robbery” on it and set it in front of the bad guy and left the room. When I came back, he confessed to robbing the hotel at gunpoint. The rest of the case was shit and I got lucky.


True.


8. I arrested a man who was reported naked in the park and trying to fart…”Whistle While You Work” while holding a rake and raking some leaves. Then… he was chasing kids in the park with the rake. He was about 30 feet from the mental ward. He had escaped while being treated for severe mental problems.

False.


9. While talking online to child predators, my moniker was “dirtygirl14”. I bragged about being the “blow job queen” in junior high. Upon capture, one of the predators flew into our town and was wearing a leopard print thong. I greeted him with my Glock in his face. I couldn’t look up. It was crazy

False. But we may have arranged a takedown like for a different type of child predator’s capture.

10. Last summer, my trainee and I arrested a man, naked, walking around and only wearing a short Dale Earnhart, Jr. jacket and a ballcap…on his head. I told him he disgraced Nascar and no one wanted to see his one inch erection.

False. My trainee was in charge and kept asking the guy, why? If I hadn’t held my tongue…I would have surely said all the above.

23 comments:

Michelle Pixie said...

I am LMAO over your Elaine moves! Bwahahaha

Ian does come up with some freaky questions and it really does make you wonder...

I didn't do too bad on the T/F. ;-)

passionofthemom said...

ROTFLMFAO!!! You are TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO funny, and I am PROUD to call myself your newest follower!! Can't wait to read other stuff of yours! xD

BigSis said...

You have THE BEST stories, hands down. And I love the way you use the term popo. Somehow I used to think that was derogatory towards law enforcement.

Jessica said...

Ian ain't right, for sure.

Your fight story - holy shit!!

Eternally Distracted said...

I just LOVE comin' here!!

Momma Fargo said...

Michelle Pixie,

You did pretty good! Bravo!

passionofthemom,

Thanks for stopping in! It gets a little crazy here.

Big Sis,

I started owning derogatory words like fuzz and cop early on and now the popo. That way the bad guy can't get one up on me. LOL.

Jessica,

Ian is just that. But don't we just love him? LOL.

Eternally Distracted,

Oh. No. I'm worried about you. LMAO!

~J said...

Bwhahaha @ gurlzilla!! I know the type..they scare me, I won't lie.

I have been dying for these true/false answers! Running off to compare how many I got right! :)

I said I'd eat the finger for half a mill..but after hearing about the poor half headed man...my stomach is a little squeamish..so maybe a million? ;)

Momma Fargo said...

J,

I think you should up your fundage for the finger thing.

And you scored very well on the quiz. Bravo!

VandyJ said...

It's harder than ever to park on Prexy's Pasture now, but I remember when it wouldn't ahve been so diffucult to do. I also remember sitting on the heads of the nucular family statues on one drunken night. Ah the memories of college drinking.

Momma Fargo said...

Vandy J,

Haha! We used to call that statue..The Family Orgy. Memories...

Ian said...

Wow. Just wow. You my friend deserve the first inaugural Monday Minute hall of fame award. That fight story was fucking awesome!

Heather said...

I would love to see you give Ian a nut chop, lmao. That would be a awesome vlog :)

Momma Fargo said...

Ian,

LMAO. It was better to be there...front row seats. So invigorating! Am I sick or what!?LOL.

Heather,

You don't say? I totally agree. :)

Nan said...

Follow from Friday Follow;
Would love to get follow back at;
http://beonefineday.blogspot.com/
Thanks for sharing,
Nan

Momma Fargo said...

Nan,

Thanks for stopping in!

The crazy Shaw Family said...

Hey, my 2 year old adores Justin Beiber!
But then she's 2! Awesome stories! (Ian is a wee bit out there, ain't he? Wow.)

Momma Fargo said...

The crazy Shaw Family,

LOL. Your 2 year old probably loves him...the age thing. And he is going to be a great star unless when he hits puberty his voice cracks. LMAO.

Ian is funny...I have no idea where these thoughts come from...scary. Ian, you rock!

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

As everyone commented on your post, Momma, I always will say the same thing.
You're awesome. The funniest stories ever!
You're gifted!
B xx

Momma Fargo said...

Betty,

Thanks! LOL. Crazy things, I'd say makes the funny stories.

Cara Smith said...

Gurlzilla...you had me damn near rolling on the floor!

Marianne said...

.25? That's it? What a pussy.

Marianne said...

Fuh-reaky. We both referenced Jeffery Dahmer when making fun of Ian and we both said we never want to hear Justin Bieber again. And I guessed your middle name down to the spelling. I think we've spent too much time together. LOL.

I'm so sad no one has ever farted whistle while you work. I might have to do that, just to see what happens!

Momma, you kill me. Please write a book. Shit, just tell me what to say, and I'll do the writing!

wolfshades said...

I'm all for the legalization (and regulation and taxation) of pot, in part *precisely* because of the kinds of scene you describe with the amazonian woman from hell. PCP-laced pot. Anyone who does pot right now is just asking for trouble. You never know what's in it. You could be smoking rat poison.

It's a scary world.

(Although I'm guessing in her case, she laced it herself)