Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Monday, September 6, 2010

Just LOSE it!

Gone are the days of simple. Cruisers with no sterero. I remember what it was like to patrol in silence. Our police radio was all we had for entertainment. That and deep thought, the night noises on the streets, and our own voices in our heads.

Then came the AM/FM radio. We thought we were in hog heaven...no pun intended. Variety in the late night hours kept us awake. Now we have CD players and iPod docking stations. What would we do without them?

Last night was the first night I had Lunch Money. His voice is like fingernails grating on a chalkboard. He's a nice kid and all...but annoying as fuck. That's the only way I can explain it. With an f-bomb. Literally.

During the entire 12 hour shift, he whined every 10 minutes about my music. And he has a high-pitched voice on the verge of turning into puberty...only he's 27 years old. He turned the stereo down to volume 1 for almost the entire time. Taking a dis for a few minutes doesn't bother me, but whining for the entire night makes my head spin around backwards.

For training purposes, I always ask a recruit what kind of music they listen to. It tells me something about their personality and then I put in the opposite. Torture? No. Well, somewhat. They have to learn to focus. They have to block out distractions. What better way then to concentrate on their listening skills than to distract them with music they hate and have the police radio on, their FTO quizzing them and teaching them all night? It has worked for all the other trainees I have had. Every. Last. One. Of. Them. After awhile...when I ask...they can't tell me what song is playing. Except Wheels. He learned how to focus on every sound around him. When I quizzed him...he started singing the song, telling me what was going over the police radio and what was happening outside the car. He said it was from his military training. He got a gold star.

Not this fickle white boy. After 8 hours of telling him to can his whining, I put in different music. Queen. Led Zepplin. Sugarland. Beyonce for Pete's sake. And then one of the all time greatest songs EVER. Low Rider. How can anyone not like Low Rider?

LUNCH MONEY: You actually like this?

ME: What the? You know what? I am done with your crap. Sick of it. I've been diplomatic with you the entire night. Now you better can it. Your job isn't to whine about every song in the stereo. I even let you turn it down to volume 1. Now stuff it. You need to focus.

LUNCH MONEY: Well, I can't possibly focus with this kind of music. If you would just let me put in my music. A little Rob Zombie. Korn is even too mellow for me. And I absolutely can't do my job if the CD plays over more than one time through. If you would plug your iPod in, at least there would be enough songs to play through and you wouldn't have to switch CDs.

ME: *blink* blink* {with smoke coming out of my ears}

LUNCH MONEY: Well, the stuff I like is real music. I can listen to it over and over.

ME: This is the last time we are discussing this. Do you hear me?

LUNCH MONEY : I don't understand why you have to torture me.

ME: You don't understand. How am I going to trust you when we walk into a family domestic where the bad guy aims a gun in your face?

LUNCH MONEY: Well, of course, I would shoot him.

ME: Oh, that simple, huh?


ME: Booool-shit! You can't even let music you don't care for slide off your back. How are you going to be able to draw your gun, focus on the eminent threat, and block out the screaming wife and crying baby and the dog circling your feet and the toddler tugging on your leg and the neighbor coming up behind you and knowing the location of your partner or backup in order to decide whether to pull the trigger? You don't have a clue. That's what I mean by focus. You can focus on your target, yet you know everything going on around you. But you tone it down. The target is on volume 10, your surroundings on volume 4. And you see and hear 360 degrees. Got it?

LUNCH MONEY: Oh, I am sure when the time comes my adrenaline will kick in and my senses will be heightened and I will be just fine.

ME: Fuck me up the ass.


ME: Take me to the gym before I kill people. Especially clueless ones. I need to work out.

LUNCH  MONEY: Oh, good. I can listen to my music while I run with my earphones on.

And so the entire night continued. He had good times and mostly annoying ones. He was even silly on a DUI arrest. The only relief I got was during my workout. I have 5 weeks with him. I don't even hate the kid...he just annoys the shit out of me. There is an insane asylum about 300 miles from here and THEY might send me to it. So if I fall off the radar...you'll know I just lost it.


Debbie said...

Ha, well he is only 27 and that whiney...Good lord what will the boy be in 20 years! Hey I like your playlist...variety is the spice of life. We love music, my husband has a great play list. Your whiny boy would hate it all. Tell him we said BUCK it up, or SHUT up!

GunDiva said...

Oh boy. Got your hands full with this one. Are you counting down the shifts until he goes away? Or are you seeing him as a challenge? Because if you are, girl, you'd better stock up on the chocolate.

Jackie said...

You know sometimes there are trainers and traineee's that just for what ever reason do NOT get along. I had two while I was going through school and it was terrible for me. We just butted heads against everything. I've found that sometimes what works for teaching 98% of the people, will not work for that 2% if you're still having a hard time try switching it up a bit, see if something different gets to him.

and please don't go to the loony bin I would miss your blogs too much!


Betty Manousos @ CUT AND DRY said...

That is no good..it's really hard to have to work with someone you don't pair with. I've experienced the same at my work.

B xx

Coffeypot said...

Maybe a 2x4 between his eyes will get his attention and he will be able to focus on you and what you are trying to teach him. Dumbass!

911 and the Randomness.. said...

Holy cow batwomen...Good luck with the next 5 weeks. I'm praying for your sanity and your safety.

Are you sure he's really 27 and not 12?? My generation is beyond spoiled. (Sorry about that.)

I'd blast your awesome taste in music next shift.

Crazy Brunette said...

Want me to send him poison and I'll come help you bury the bastard?

He kills me and I've heard ONE story about the dickbag!

You are a saint!

Texas Ghostrider said...

Don't worry my sista from another motha, I will break you out of the looney bin.

You train like I did, with the radio and quizzes. I use to all of a sudden start banging on the door and asking the rookie where you at, some of them pissed in their pants from the shock.

Or I will crack up the good time radio on a rocking song and ask them what was just said over the police one. We had two police radios in the car on two differant channels. Yes I was the FTO from HELL, but at least I was not labeled the terminator. That went to one of my alumnis of mine....

Allenspark Lodge said...

Choose a classic. Like "Rubber Ducky" by the Muppets or something equivalent. Put it on repeat. Tell him if he can tune it out and not even mention it for 2 hours, he can choose the music on the next shift.

Of course,one of you may just go nuts and shoot the other before the shift ends...

Anonymous said...

kinda makes you miss wheels, huh? i sure miss wheels...i have no fantasy man now.

BigSis said...

I would HATE to be stuck with him. But, I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy the stories you have for us over the next 5 weeks :)

Daffy said...

Ummm....yeah....scares me just a wee bit that he carries real bullets. Can't ya switch him out a nerf gun or something?

Damn...I'll buy ya a drink at the end of your next shift with him.

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:

He wasn't the kind of kid that stuck butter knives in light sockets...was he?
(just wodnering)

If they EVER have you committed, We'll ALL come get 'ya out!

Roll safe out there.

TechnoBabe said...

Love your humor. Hog heaven. Heh heh.

Bethany said...

Oh, absolutley...your senses will be heightened...just bank on that...you can wing it...

*eye roll*