Freedom of speech. I believe in the Constitution, the Bill of Rights...what our country was founded on. I believe in God. Do I believe in Karma? I don't know. Mostly not.
I received a comment on one of my past posts about "my psychological issues" relating to the process I was going through when my husband decided to leave me after 22 years together.
Apparently, that person, "Annie", was upset I had lied to a suspect to gain a confession. Cop shit 101. No one understands it unless they have been in the copworld, or they believe cops use tactics...which are legal...by the way, to investigate or interrogate. Am I a liar? No. Have I lied? Yes. Doesn't make any sense. Yes. I use tactics in my job which do not define me as a person.
So Annie believes Karma has bitten me in the ass...
Do I think when I walk down a road and step on an innocent ant carrying his lunch home that I will someday stumble on that same road and hit my head because I killed a creature? No. I. do. not. I believe in Natural Selection.
Do I think that if I pull a weed and put it in the compost pile instead of burning in my fire pit and roasting weenies over it...that somehow I will be rewarded? Not unless you compare composted soil to a good weenie.
Do I think because I mow my lawn and cut the heads off the grass blades that death will fall upon my doorstop some day? For the love of Harriet.
Do I think God will strike us down when we do bad? Well, if that was true...no human life would be left here. I think God forgives.
I believe in being a steward to the Earth and helping people. I think most people are good, not evil. Even though I often only deal with evil...most people are good. Living good...doesn't mean with material riches.
My blog is me. It is who I am. What I have seen, what I think, what I have witnessed, what I was told, what I FEEL. Simple as that. You get to know the cop as a person. Daily struggles...triumphs...and the insides and outs of cop work...and my personal life...the in betweens.
To overanalyze me or define me by Karma is ridiculous. I am no mystery. I am a human being inside a cop suit. Citizens often look at us as the "untangible human figure." We struggle with that stereotype and battle on a daily basis.
I think like a cop and mother 24/7. I am a girl. I like to be a girl. I am country. I am city. I am many things. Define me. I like it all like that. Most of all...I am good. I protect people. I open my heart to others, yet, I can de-personalize things from work.
If you were to define me by one thing...know I have HEART. I know who I am. Am I lost? No. But I am going through a tough and sad time which has a light at the end of the tunnel. That is all it is.
I haven't changed since I was a kid. I've always been generous and giving. If I stopped doing that...well, that's just not going to happen. No matter how much I get "beaten" up by life.
There is no abandonement issue. There are no bad things I learned from my parents. My dad was a great father and role model. My mother is a kind and gentle soul. Although I haven't always agreed with everything they have done...I have loved them unconditionally. And the bad things in life...are behind, not something I even remember or hold onto to. I was taught forgiveness at a very young age. It stuck. I came out of my parents separation a stronger person and I got to know my father. And now I am getting to know my mother. How can that be bad?
Was my marriage dysfunctional? Yes, at times it was. Give and take on both sides. At times it was very good. More good than bad. And I stayed because of love. I didn't stay because I was stuck or scared to be alone. I didn't stay because I was weak. I stayed because I loved him. Good and bad. Simple as that. Was I living a dream? No. I was living life. I still am living life. I have feelings. I write about fairytales and Princesses because as a kid that is what you dream about. I still believe it. Disney did that to me. Sue me. I'm a little girl like that.
Because I took snapping, belittling, and yelling doesn't mean I was battered. It meant I was strong because it didn't make me a victim. It didn't make me lash out. It didn't make me hide. It didn't make me treat people as I had been treated. And it didn't happen on a daily basis. It did happen a lot. Did I stand up for myself...yes. Did I lose the battle...yes. Did I think he would eventually stop being like that? I don't know. It's OK. If I find someone later in life...well, I will choose a lot more wisely.
People are not perfect. Is my husband a bad person? No. What he did and does isn't right or good. His life is on a bad path. But he has good in him. Have I hated him? No. I do not hate. But I have disliked what he has become.
I am not afraid to be alone. I have been alone a lot. Married and single. I'm independent and strong. Again...I am not a mystery to be unfolded. I give you myself right out in the open. The Dragon's soft spot revealed.
When I write...I write the emotions I go through. What should scare you the most is the crisis or emotions cops go through...and the fact they have to put on a game face at work...while we protect you...and do it fairly. Imagine that stress overload and the burdens they are able to carry. And I do. That should scare people. Or maybe not. Cops can take a lot and keep on ticking.
That should tell you, Annie, how strong I am. The fact that I share my journey, my emotions...should not make you overanalyze what you read. Or even overanalyze me. Everyone goes through change. Everyone goes through emotional times...good and bad. Take me how I am.
Am I sorry that I have shared my emotions or thoughts on my blog? Absolutely not. And I will continue. And anyone can still comment as they wish. It's Freedom of Speech and I embrace it. Am I upset at Annie? No. It's her opinion. Did I scowl when I read that? No. I did think WTF. Someone who really doesn't know me...thought she would analyze me from a computer. And some of what you said, Annie, was right. But some was very wrong. You missed the mark. Queenie and Red summed it up enough.
I don't study human behavior from a book or think I can look inside someone's mind. I live human behavior when I am in your house...seeing how you act....what you have...how you live...how you treat others. I'm pretty good at it. And I try to help during that time based upon human behavior. I know people. I know myself. Do I have a change to go through? Yes. Am I still me? Yes.
The only thing that should be abandoned around here is hate.
The reason I said I was going to someday believe that being ALONE was OK....was simply because I chose to grow old with someone. And now a different choice was being made by someone else. Loss of control or choice. If you want to label it...it was that. Growing old with someone...that was the path I wanted to take. It doesn't mean that I have abandonement issues. It doesn't mean I fear being alone. It was just simple.
So here's what I think of your Karmachameleon....SQUISH!