Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Monday, May 23, 2011

The George Jones

Some things are right before our eyes, yet we dismiss them.

After five days of straight rain....the sun came out today at a brilliant almost 80 degrees. I took my opportunity to mow my lawn. My George Jones started right up and soon I found myself in tranquil thought mowing like crazy. Thoughts of my financial squeezes and pressure consumed me. Yet...I smelled the wonderful Rocky Mountain air...sagebrush...cottonwoods...flowers. My mind wandered to whether I would have to sell my place and if so...would I move to another location here...or pursue my dream of owning a flower shop/gift shop in the Smoky Mountains. After a few passes...George died. I checked the gas. I checked the oil. All fine. Thought I might have flooded it...left it sit for a few minutes. I even put more gas in just to make sure. I tried numerous times to restart it. Nothing.
I mosied over to the shed and brought out the push mower I had just taken in for a tune up. Nothing. Not only nothing... but I exhausted myself trying to get it going. Feeling defeat...I put it away and went back to over to George and tried again. Nothing.

In true tough cop fashion....I put my head down on my lawn mower steering wheel and sobbed. Not a little. A lot. And for how long I don't know. But everything came out....my financial stress...my loneliness...my longing to be a "regular mommy"....my lack of mechanical skills and used to having someone around who could fix anything...my frustration with not being tougher...the river flooding on my mind...my drive to make things work not working out...things breaking down....and...not having a companion I could turn to and share a funny thought, story, or sunset or sunrise...and my place...walk along the river hand in hand...grow old together with. Such a sappy romantic.  I couldn't stop the tears and although I tried...the tears didn't dry up.

And reality hit that I may have to sell my place so life and finances aren't such a struggle. And where would I want to live? Here? Another state? Start over? Let my dream slide of building on the gardens and growing unusual plants...and not only that...but leaving a legacy here and preserving the river?

When I just get things in the black...and feel it will just be 6 more months and I'll be OK...I get hit with a small disaster, or crisis, vehicle break down...or the ex doesn't pay me on time for bills we have to pay together. I played "catch up" on things he left behind for so long..it ate my lunch...all my money....and all my willpower...and determination...let alone broke the bank.  Lottery winner here...NOT...I wish....thinking if I could only get a big landscaping job this summer.

So... I sat there...all pitiful and slumped over...sobbing...and praying. Please, God, help me. Help me make it and be strong. Help everything be alright.

Then... when I could no longer breathe....see through the tears....or even have a clear thought...I sat up and tried the George Jones one more time. Vrooom! A small smile showed on my face...and as I mowed the property for about an hour...I felt maybe God just hit me in the head with a frying pan and that's what I needed.

Perhaps we are in denial or choose to ignore the obvious. Maybe we are too blind or wrapped up in emotions to see. Today went just like that.

Not only God slap me upside the biscuit...but so did Mother Nature...with a special moment.

 If you look close in the picture you will see two eggs from a Killdeer. When I was a kid...we had a field that attracted hundreds of them  and especially during nesting time were they abundant.

They still fascinate me.

This nest was in my yard near the garden shop and I watched the famous broken wing dance of the mother bird. Then..I knew I had to be careful because she was protecting her nest which must have been close by. Sure enough...I just missed destroying it. It would have crushed me to have mowed over the nest. And the mother was brilliant. It blended in so well with the area where I had spilled potting soil. She chose carefully and wisely.

And so must I in my decisions...

And quit the DAMN crying already...ugh.


GunDiva said...


Ms. A said...

Sometimes I'm forced to let it all out, before I can take it all in. Sorry things are so worrisome for you. There's nothing wrong with crying, that's why God gave us tears.

Cperz said...

Sometimes I think a good cry and a talk with God helps us to regroup and move forward. Also, I find when I am in the middle of really big worries that things like the lawn mower, or computer or dishwasher not working is just the final straw to start the water works.

I hope you get over this financial hump as quickly as fate/luck/devine intervention or whatever will allow. That will relieve some of the pressure where you can start setting your sights on some new dreams.

AND there are some new "happy endings" out there waiting for you. I am sure of it.

Unknown said...

No no. The crying is good, especially when you can do it privately. Others may think it makes you weak, but it helps you to be strong. Use your head and assess your priorities. If pursuing a dream screws up your whole life, it may be time for a different dream. Life changes and you can't control it. The next few months will tell you if your old dream is worth what it costs you. It may work out fine. Or not, and if it doesn't, you won't tolerate the cost for long. You're way too smart to be stubborn about the wrong things.

Mrs. Mom said...

Momma, we are allowed to cry. Its OK- I promise.

Big loves your way girl.

VandyJ said...

Sometimes a good cry can relieve the stress. Go ahead and cry, then pick up and keep moving forward. Things always look just a bit better with the stress off (even if it's only for a bit).
And yes, yesterday was fabulous. After all the gloom and wet weather, the sunshine yesterday was awesome!

Allenspark Lodge said...

Hey, we all need a cry moment now and then - and I don't mean a few tears - I'm talking about the kind you had. You ARE strong, but also you know when God gives you a tap - OK, maybe this one was a shove - which means you are still humble...and a wonderful human being. Just look at those eggs; what more proof is there?
Love ya,

Coffeypot said...

"...not having a companion I could turn to and share a funny thought, story, or sunset or sunrise...and my place...walk along the river hand in hand...grow old together with." Yeah! Your vibrator can only be there for you just so much. They are pretty much useless when it comes to sharing emotions. And the crying thing. That is great that you did it. It not only helps release tensions that the vibrator could never reach, but it also gives your eyeballs a great washing out. Why I get they are so clean now that the sparkle like stainless steel. Though it doesn't do much good physically, I loves ya, baby.

LauraB said...

Can I just toss in a "Come to Texas" suggestion? No state taxes...you'd breeze through academy...lovely weather much of the year.

C'mon. You'll find your perfect cowboy, too.

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
I have to admire the way you named your mower George Jones (I think I get the reference).
And I admit to feeling similarly some days...nothing wrong with facing life head-on (like to find a few side roads and avoid all the negative traffic, though).

You're never alone and never at the end of trail...remember that.

Stay strong.
Stay safe.

Ed said...

Can you say PMS?


You'll pull it together. You're a tough little cookie.

When I see that picture, all I think about are omelets.

Unknown said...

Aww sweetie even though you are a strong talented woman you are still ahuman being and things can be overwhelming.IF you do decide to move com to KY we need smart talented female cops and you could have tons of land for little of nothing. I mean we got ours which is nearly 4 acres with a huge garage and the huge doublewide for 65000 ummyeah..

DepGirl said...

Girl...I have just come across your blog and pretty sure you are my sis from a diff mother....:)
I have found after many many moments of at the brink...woooeee is meee pity partys that the best part is that one little thing that picks your head up even in the slightest....and you go ...wtf was I just baawling about again??? And then I curse and swear at whatever it was that "broke me" and stand a little taller and take a step forward...and then just do what I do...go to work..handle all the crap and say to yourself...well I guess I don't have it thaaaaattt bad....:) Hang in there sister!

Anonymous said...

(((((( Momma )))))

It is totally acceptable to just bust a seam and let the water flow. I'm like you...crying sucks and, physically, I feel worse by the time I'm done, but it does help to wash my mind clean.

In any case...hang in there sweetie! And if it is any kind of consolation...I would totally marry you. If I wasn't already married and if I decided to change teams. You would totally be one of my first choices otherwise! =)

Love ya chick! Hang in there! Stay safe! =) xo

Cperz said...

I have something for you over at my blog. I know these awards are sometimes a nusience but I am supposed to pass it to blogs I like and read. As I love your blog it is coming your way.
This one is a little time consuming and I know you have things going on. Don't feel that you have to deal with it or do anything. It's your if you want it.
I nearly feel like I am passing a chain letter to you but I am sincere that I love your stuff and that is why you are on the list.

North said...

Cry as much as it takes to feel better. And a little more to be sure.

Mrs. Deputy Dimples said...

Girl, before I found my knight in shining kevlar, I felt just like you do now. I believe that we are single at that point in time for a reason, and when you are ready, your knight will show up!

Hang in there, and don't settle for less than everything that will make you and Bug happy!! ;)