Some things are right before our eyes, yet we dismiss them.
After five days of straight rain....the sun came out today at a brilliant almost 80 degrees. I took my opportunity to mow my lawn. My George Jones started right up and soon I found myself in tranquil thought mowing like crazy. Thoughts of my financial squeezes and pressure consumed me. Yet...I smelled the wonderful Rocky Mountain air...sagebrush...cottonwoods...flowers. My mind wandered to whether I would have to sell my place and if so...would I move to another location here...or pursue my dream of owning a flower shop/gift shop in the Smoky Mountains. After a few passes...George died. I checked the gas. I checked the oil. All fine. Thought I might have flooded it...left it sit for a few minutes. I even put more gas in just to make sure. I tried numerous times to restart it. Nothing.
I mosied over to the shed and brought out the push mower I had just taken in for a tune up. Nothing. Not only nothing... but I exhausted myself trying to get it going. Feeling defeat...I put it away and went back to over to George and tried again. Nothing.
In true tough cop fashion....I put my head down on my lawn mower steering wheel and sobbed. Not a little. A lot. And for how long I don't know. But everything came out....my financial stress...my loneliness...my longing to be a "regular mommy"....my lack of mechanical skills and used to having someone around who could fix anything...my frustration with not being tougher...the river flooding on my mind...my drive to make things work not working out...things breaking down....and...not having a companion I could turn to and share a funny thought, story, or sunset or sunrise...and my place...walk along the river hand in hand...grow old together with. Such a sappy romantic. I couldn't stop the tears and although I tried...the tears didn't dry up.
And reality hit that I may have to sell my place so life and finances aren't such a struggle. And where would I want to live? Here? Another state? Start over? Let my dream slide of building on the gardens and growing unusual plants...and not only that...but leaving a legacy here and preserving the river?
When I just get things in the black...and feel it will just be 6 more months and I'll be OK...I get hit with a small disaster, or crisis, vehicle break down...or the ex doesn't pay me on time for bills we have to pay together. I played "catch up" on things he left behind for so long..it ate my lunch...all my money....and all my willpower...and determination...let alone broke the bank. Lottery winner here...NOT...I wish....thinking if I could only get a big landscaping job this summer.
So... I sat there...all pitiful and slumped over...sobbing...and praying. Please, God, help me. Help me make it and be strong. Help everything be alright.
Then... when I could no longer breathe....see through the tears....or even have a clear thought...I sat up and tried the George Jones one more time. Vrooom! A small smile showed on my face...and as I mowed the property for about an hour...I felt maybe God just hit me in the head with a frying pan and that's what I needed.
Perhaps we are in denial or choose to ignore the obvious. Maybe we are too blind or wrapped up in emotions to see. Today went just like that.
Not only God slap me upside the biscuit...but so did Mother Nature...with a special moment.
If you look close in the picture you will see two eggs from a Killdeer. When I was a kid...we had a field that attracted hundreds of them and especially during nesting time were they abundant.
They still fascinate me.
This nest was in my yard near the garden shop and I watched the famous broken wing dance of the mother bird. Then..I knew I had to be careful because she was protecting her nest which must have been close by. Sure enough...I just missed destroying it. It would have crushed me to have mowed over the nest. And the mother was brilliant. It blended in so well with the area where I had spilled potting soil. She chose carefully and wisely.
And so must I in my decisions...
And quit the DAMN crying already...ugh.