Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Sunday, July 21, 2013

War and Wine

Coffee is my friend. Especially when it is hooked up to an IV and charged through your system at a brand name coffee house. Thankfully, they also have free Wi-Fi.

And no, I don't believe I am still drunk, nor was it too bad. That I recall. I only had one glass of wine.

Little did I know when I said "yes" to a couple of senior citizens who offered to "shake up" my life did I know the true definition of that. I was kidnapped by senior citizens. Thank God, I did not wake up naked on the neighbor's lawn or hanging out of a tree downtown.

My new found friends, who are wonderful and hilarious (Wanda and Harry)...and over 70...took me to the big city for a day of fun. I had no idea what I was about to partake in. I had mentioned I had never been to a Civil War reenactment, nor had I really dove into any cultural events here. This sparked an idea with Wanda and Harry.

On the drive there, I also got the speech about how I needed to meet a wonderful man on campus and I would. However, I was to shy away from professors because they are "screwy." That leaves who? Wanda gave me the college rundown. I felt like fresh meat. I told her I was perfectly happy. Wanda said..."For now." I asked, "What do you mean?" She looked at me with raised eyebrows, "Sex." Somehow talking sex with 70 year olds was just not what I had in mind. Do you know how many times you can change the conversation, and it all leads back to sex? It's like the 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Finally, saved from further sex education, we reached our destination.

The day started out at an interactive Civil War historical museum which was set up in an old town in the woods. It was very well designed and felt back in 1836.

All was fine until Wanda and Harry put me in the General Store that was set to burn down. I should have heeded their giggles. Giggling seniors is a cause for flight...future reference.

After I walked across the covered bridge, I was met by Union soldiers. They sent me to the Porter house. I was soaking up this new flavor of history by talking to a young man who was playing the piano inside the Porter house. He and I got along great and soon we were engrossed in our conversation. In fact, he asked me to join him in the town social which was going to occur at 3:00 pm. Yes, my first date was with a young man from 1836. Shut it.

Apparently, this was not in the plans with Wanda and Harry, as I was holding up the show.  They drug me inside the General Store where the Union soldiers had gathered up. The soldiers told the townsfolks about the Confederate General Morgan headed our way who had threatened the men in the area. I was shoved next to the shelf of wares in the corner as fire balls, gun fire, and cannons took underway. I expected big booms and gunfire, so I prepared myself for the attack. I even thought about defecting to the other side because the Confederate General Morgan was hot, even if he was over 100 years old.

I did not, however, prepare myself for the ultimate embarrassment in Civil War history.

Sorry, Mr. Union Soldier, for that elbow strike as you came running past me. However, you really should not have shoved that shelf of dishes over next to me as I have these horrible scream and reflex problems when someone scares the shit out of me.

You can imagine how low I felt. I am sure I am now flagged for exclusion in any future living history events.

That was not all that was in store. No pun intended.

After all the gunfire, Wanda and Harry took me to the Rolling Stones. Yes. I was in heaven. Old hippies on the green...like 8,000. It was crazy. Wine. Beer. Food. Bravo for the Symphony on the Prairie! It was beyond fun. The music was amazing and the singer they hired was very famous...only not Mick Jagger. However, he sounded just like him. Two blue hairs taught me how to make Mick Jagger moves. It was not pretty.

And Christopher Walken showed up on the green and we had a little COWBELL. Many of you might remember the record our swing shift made on family violence and the drunken night of COWBELL for Team 2. We are famous. I even have the musical record (on CD) and video to prove it. Best dang record made by cops ever.

AnySatisfaction, the Stones were amazing! I was in heaven with the people watching. It was better than People of Walmart.  The 50 years of The Rolling Stones was a great show, all in all, and I would do it again. Apparently, this is a summer fall thingy. Not sure how I would fare during the classical music instruments. I can imagine I might chug too much wine and you have to wear a gown. On the grass. Strange.

It was a new assignment,  me trying to fit undercover into a day of cultural events. I can act refined and dress the part. Sista From Anotha Motha can vouch for me and chime out about the time I showed up to her house in my black evening dress after a night of "Got Stood Up" at the Christmas police dinner. If it weren't for her and my brotherhood praising my clean up act and pumping up Fargo in a long black dress, I might have noticed my date was absent. I just had to swallow crow and tell everyone I didn't need no stinkin' date. So yes, I dressed up that night for nothing. Any digression...this refinement has nothing to do with Indiana cultural events. It did teach me, however, that dating sucks.

The Indiana wine. It doesn't like me. I know I only had one glass. However,  those dang hippies kept filling it up. I had a hippie cleansing. Now I am ready for real life.

See, in Wyoming, cops just had drinking contests for therapy with firemen because we all hate bars and it's the only thing we can beat firemen at besides shooting matches. We tried boxing-failed. We tried cage fighting-failed. We are proud that we can out drink and out shoot them. This would start Poker and other games and usually led to trouble. Things got blown up,  burned, and stuff. Especially when you mixed the bomb team with the firemen. And especially when they decided my land of 40 acres was perfect for these things. Pure torture, those days.

Reminded me of those times when my brother built homemade cannons and pipe bombs. Of course, that was when the ATF just interrogated you over dinner on the ranches and laughed at the country kids. No jail.

Now I'm running from Union Soldiers, fitting into Woodstock, and sitting at a posh coffee shop attached to an IV and Wi-Fi. Life sure has changed. Or maybe it's the Indiana way. Like cow tipping, only different.

See...my mind is all over the place. That's what hippies and wine do to me.

And btw, I still have not been to a Civil War reenactment.


Paxford said...

Oh you crazy Gad-about! :D

So happy you had a fabulous day out and hope that Wanda & Harry "Kidnap" you again soon

[I laughed so hard about you elbow clocking the re-enactor. Such a good thing no one tried to pull a dummy gun on you!]

Suzanne McCarley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzanne McCarley said...

I know a few Hoosier septuagenarians who mess with the definition of "old folks." Maybe next summer we should introduce CP to a strange new breed of "middle aged broads."

Allenspark Lodge said...

This is looking like it's going to be fun reading abut the 'new' adventures! Our hats are off to W&H.
Love from Colorado.
Bionic Cowgirl

Momma Fargo said...


I am all up for the challenge! I love to try new things! However, I did have to google septuagenarians as it was not on my list of vocabulary knows. And what kind of word ahs more vowels than consonants. LMAO. Give me a shout when you are in my neighborhood!

Bionic Cowgirl,

Yes, my life is an adventure! LOL. You know I have the most fun with you!

Mad Jack said...

It's nice to see you're getting back to normal.

Coffeypot said...

When you said you wanted to introduce CP to a strange new breed of middle age broads, I hope you were talking about me. I like strange middle age broads... and non-strange middle age broads... and normla middle age broads... and broads of all shapes and kinds. Just saying... I'm ready.

Momma Fargo said...

Mad Jack,

Yes, it feels good to be me.


You know I am saving myself all for you. ;) LYLT

Anonymous said...

Yes Momma,
You shine up pretty good!!! That night you showed up to my in-laws house to show me the dress.........well we all thought you looked GREAT........both my husband and father in-law approved!!!! But then again, you've always been able to spoof up in a split second.........especially with your hair and eyeliner........me on the other hand?............totally stylishly retarded!!! LOL
~Sista from Anotha Mutha

Momma Fargo said...


You are not stylishly retarded. I am rather fond of your taste in fashion.

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
Been to the 130th anniv of Gettysburg...and it was great.

Even videotaped the thing from a buckboard shared with the wife of one of the Confederate re-enactors.
The best part, everyone went home for dinner!

At a local restaurant, we let some "rebs" sit and have breakfast with us as well.

Wish ALL wars were handled as easily as that.

Stay safe out there.

Momma Fargo said...

Bob G. I love war history. Only not when it's involving dishes falling behind me.