Turning the dial to bitch on HIGH. I am going to be sort of a bitch for a moment. That's right. You heard it correctly. Why? Because I am a girl and people call me that name and often. Especially when I was a cop. So there. And it's my blog. Its random schmandom. Look away if you don't like f-bombs, because there are some strong ones in here. And it is all over the place like I am mentally ill. That's why they call it random thoughts. I think SNL did a series on that?
Moving on. There are four parts to this post that really don't relate to each other much and are below in no particular order:
(1) Rewinding and reviewing some things in my life story
(2) Talking about some reviews and issues with those
(3) Posting a short training story from my FTO days
(4) Life changes (not sex changes or menopause) and goals
Today, I have been melancholy. I don't know why. It's silly, I know. My daughter is at a sleepover birthday party and the house is empty without her tantrums and diva moments, I guess. I have to bitch.
I have to bitch at myself and wonder if leaving a high paying good job with benefits is worth living UNDER The poverty level and struggling every day, week, month to pay bills, juggle things around and put off creditors. My budget is so tight, the milk can't fart into a gallon unless it's on sale. My days of pedi-manis are over because I can only afford those with gift money or saving for months. I know, they are $25-30.00 for a pedi and $12 for a mani here. I still can't spare it. So, I do them myself. I got a gift certificate to go the local beauty supply store. I bought some beautiful OPI nail polish. I am so going to tell you that OPI nail polish sucks. It rubbed off in a day. NOT CHIPPED OFF, but rubbed off. Fucking sucks.
So, I went to the Dollar General and found Sally Hansen's nail polish for $2.00. I bought it. It has lasted a week so far and is flawless. So there. Don't buy that expensive crap because it SUCKS and doesn't work. And chainsawing and dremel tooling my feet myself really sucks monkey ballz. I loved my Chinese Nanci. I miss her. Sometimes I weep just longing to hear her tell me I need a whore.
Speaking of whores and bitches, I definitely bitch at myself for the 2nd marriage, but that is over. The first one financially bankrupted me. The second one emotionally bankrupted me. I still have issues. I really need therapy but it's not gardening season, so I guess writing books in the winter is my therapy. Then writer's block. That is not good therapy. However, you have to power through it or wait for that moment. Just like therapy. That AHA moment.
Even if the book sucks, it helps me to write and keeps my head more level. I think. It's my theory. So... thank you for buying my books, even when they had errors or needed some "splainin' Lucy. I thank you for posting your honest reviews.
To all those that I review...I promote your book on Facebook in a good way if I like it. If I don't like it, I still post about it. Sometimes that might help marketing as well. Do all authors or reviewers do this? Do we all think the same? Have you ever been too kind or too destructive on a review?
I'm just venting author stuff. Why? Because I like the word AUTHOR. It is kind of fun to be one even in self-publishing because it gave me a sense of accomplishment. I'm still way in infancy stages, but I enjoy it.
BTW. That is the perfect gift for me. Amazon gift cards. Not that I want gifts. I'm just sayin'. Love them! Thanks to all my family and friends that have given those to me. Kudos. Doesn't everyone love Amazon? Why didn't we think of that? We could have been millionaires. Does anyone know what the next great thing will be? I often ponder that notion.
Speaking of the next great thing...the marriages and the high "flaw"-luting life of a diva cop dressed in PINK are over. I miss the cop part. I can live without the diva, but it is fun sometimes to treat yourself or feel special.
I'm glad the marriages are over. You know what I am sad about? I supposedly married to grow old with my best friend. My "best friends" sharted on me and they turned out not to be my best friend.
This is what bums me- I had such bad judgment and wasted the best years of my life thinking that I had my best friend through thick and thin. Story of my life. I really want to share with someone and make them feel special, like my best friend should feel. I now realize it will happen if it is meant to be and can't be a sadness in my heart if it doesn't.
Anyhoozle, that's the sad part. The good part is I no longer have those ankle weights. I also have the best daughter in the whole world.
Do all divorced people think like this? Do you or did you find your best friend? Do you get crazy after divorce? Empowered? Confused? Stronger?
I guess sometimes I think why wasn't I good enough? Aren't I special? Why did I pick such WRONG men? WTF. Children aside. Why do people pick the wrong people? Why don't people pick the right people all the time? Why do the right people not find each other the first time or ever? Why does it come late? If you do find the right person, why does it end too soon? Or why does it last decades? Why do some people get it right and some people get it wrong?
Any crazy thought processes, marriage over. I never thought I would even have more than one. Nor did I think I would marry a serial killer. I really think sometimes I was abducted by aliens in 2012. Because I was not good enough stock for them, and their alien replacement was suffering intense mental anguish, they must have sent me back in time to realize the error of their ways to save their alien. Lucky for humans, sometimes we wake up before it is too late.
Do you ever take a look and wonder what or who you want to be when you grow up? I do. Only my time clock is ticking and recently I realized I was 46 and not 29. Do you stop in your busy life and do a check check on what is going on? Are you too busy to notice your child is growing up? Are you too busy to find you let too much time go by and you wanted to do so much more? Is it too late? Is it ever too late? Do you have a bucket list? Why? Do you live in the moment?
Manicures and pedicures are over. So is the high paying job. I guess I better suck it up AGAIN in my life and make things work. Funny thing is, I can't stop looking forward and keep making new goals. There are a lot of positives in my life amongst the struggles. And so goes those.
So, I applied for grad school so I can get my Master's Degree in Public Administration starting next fall. That is, if I get accepted. And then...lucky me, I get discounts working at a university. It might mean doing one class at a time with payroll deduction. It might mean applying for loans I can't pay back. I don't know. I just took the first step. I'm a fly by the seat of my pants type of gal.
If I was to get my Bachelor's degree, tuition would be free. However, if you are getting your Master's or Doctorate you have discounts, but don't get tuition waved. But if I get a Master's Degree, I could teach higher education as an associate professor and make enough money to not struggle so much. Plus, I would love to teach. Second, I could be an administrator if that is what I chose. In the long run, it has several advantages.
Reviewing right along, I was pondering why some companies or agents approach me to review for them when they don't follow through. Several agents have asked if I could read a book for their client and offered a Q & A with the author. I dig those things, even if I didn't like the book, I love to talk to authors and just because I didn't like it, doesn't mean someone else won't.
But here is the deal. Don't NOT send me your client's book. WTF? Next time you contact me and ask me how it is going, I won't be so nice. Don't waste my time. I will understand if a busy schedule lost me in the shuffle and you send it out...in BOOK form. Don't send me a digital copy where I have to print 400 pages. Why? Because it costs me 80 fucking dollars in ink cartridges and paper. If I cheap out and don't print the book, it will take me FOREVER to get through it, but I will do it because I can only read those things on my desktop and I don't want to sit there and stare at it for hours because it kills my back and I can't afford a good desk chair and my laptop is broke shit. Poop shit.
However, three authors got me to print their books. Why? Because I like them and I don't regret it. And I don't regret it. I know they are going to worry about this part. I am not offended or mad or angry or upset that I was given THEIR digital copies. They are special like that. That would be Wilson, Emery, and someone by the initials ONFO and he is soon to be out with a new book. That review will come later with a Q & A. You know what else? These are great authors. They are fabulous...so much talent out there.
A book costs an agent peanuts to send. I don't mind reading digital copies for my friends or bloggy buddies. Why? Because I really care and I like to help and I admire anyone who can write anything. I also know it is faster and easier to send digital because we all wait with ants in our pants for someone's review or edits. We really do. The books are our babies. I have really gotten tougher skin and appreciate all the input on my books. I know about the other end as well. I like to help and feel privileged if someone asks me to look at their book or review it or both.
So why don't I prefer digital? Because I don't have a Kindle. I have a Kindle app on my computer. My tablet all of a sudden blinked off my Kindle library and I can't get it back. Pisses me off. I talked to Amazon and they can't figure it out either. At least I could sit in a comfy chair and read that. Well, now I must do it at my desktop.
Reason number 2. Roll out the creepy. Digital copies or e-books are not my favorite because frankly, Kindle version are sucky sometimes (including mine which are not getting converted properly) and it is not as endearing as holding the pages in my hands. Call me creepy. I love to fondle a good book because then it is REAL and the story seems better. Yes, it's true. Ask BEEL. He agrees. Only he might deny it on the internet in front of God and everyone because his creepy friend talked about it and posted it with glory.
On another note, thank you so much to my editors for accepting digital copies to review and edit of MY books because I am too poor to do otherwise. It's a contradiction I am trying to deal with. I guess it is a headcase moment where I need to suck it up and get into the digital age and embrace it.
One reason why digital books are great? Because it's instant gratification like going to a bookstore and picking up a new book and taking it home. Another reason? They are cheap and affordable on a budget and I can read several for under $10.00. Third reason? Free books on Amazon, Nook, Kindle, Barnes & Noble. Ok. Fine. There are some great pluses.
Speaking of my love for great pluses, especially when I wear them. NOT. I am working off winter fat. Fuck me in the ass. The fattest I have been in my life. I am fit fat. I can haul, push, pull, drag your ass and more because I am farm girl fresh and tough. I just need to shave off some booty. Back to reviewing...
I love reviewing. I especially loved reviewing MREs for a great unnamed company once. Only they DID NOT SEND THEM. Again, pissed me off. Then they contacted me and asked me why I had not put up a review. Blah. Because you are a fucktard. That's why. Virtual MREs sucked and so that I wrote. Your product sucked because if I was on a virtual island or wilderness, I would have virtually starved to death. Fuckers.
You know what was one of the greatest moments not related to books but sorta related to reviews? I was featured on a cool blog from a tactical gear company Click here. It was an honor and fun. I became a reader, fan, and I paid attention to their gear reviews and product lines. Once, I entered a contest on their site by writing a short comment on TacticalGearNews.com (one of my favorite sites of practical tactical and gear glory). I entered their contest and won! I receive a pair of patrol boots and they were real and good. Then, my department bought me three pairs of those boots before they changed design. See how that works? I make you money and my feet were happy, healthy, and fast like Lightning McQueen. Actually, I was fast like lightning only slower. You know if someone uses the word "actually" they are lying.
Ok. Back to the real meat and potatoes. It really comes down to thanking JK for finding me and in turn, I became a fan of her company and their site. Plus, their reviews are really informational. They sell great equipment. Why? Because they review it honestly. When companies pay attention to customers needs and wants and reviews...they produce awesome tactical gear. Reviews mean something.
I love all the whistles and bells, but if it isn't practical tactical, you fail for me. So you can be pretty and hawt and new...but if your shit don't work (redneck talk 101), I don't want it.
Ok. Finally. A story about copping skills. It's on the next post. This one is getting so long that only maybe one or two are really going to read it. Bastards. There is no faith nor loyalty anymore. No one wants to read Fargo... the has been or the used to did. Nah. I'm just messing with you. I am slowly getting around to reading everyone and catching up. Been a busy week. Holy Ballz. And Russia. The Olympics. Please God, let everyone be safe.