Going to the dentist is the same experience as going to the vagina doctor. I really wouldn't tell my dentist those exact words, but I am sure they understand the feeling from their patients. That really has nothing to do with the post. It has everything to do with an annual milestone. Now, all I have to do is get to Denver to have my asthma testing completed and I may have a clean bill of health at mid-life. This is coming a long way after being unemployed for so many months, without health insurance. What an experience to be having during an older part of my life when those things are necessary. It was scary. I am slowly climbing back out of the abyss. Talk about a financial and emotional drain. But onward!
New subject. Random schmandom. Let's talk about pets.
I was lucky enough to have parents who gave us kids pets. There is no greater love than a boy and her dog. I was a tomboy, non-gay type, and a country kid. I had a dog named Co-Co and another one named Shep. Those were my favorites. I think I learned how to love people the same way I loved my dog...unconditionally and I fell hard. Those qualities cause problems if you select the wrong human mate. But not if it is directed toward dogs.
Over thirteen years ago, I got a yellow lab puppy and named him Otis. He and I got along like peas and carrots. I sent him out for training because I wanted to get into search and rescue. Even though we didn't know if he was suited for that type of work, we tried it out. If he failed, or wasn't good enough, he was a good family pet.
He surpassed both mine and the trainer's expectations. Over the next two years, he and I were in training at the same time I was raising Bug who was just born about 11 months after Otis. She grew up with him and they grew up together. Bug loved Otis and pretty much tugged on him and made him her jungle gym. He blossomed into a fantastic search and rescue dog, minus the day he walked up to me and pissed on my leg in front of the Sheriff because he was mad at me. Thankfully, Bug never did such a thing.
April 10th to be exact, I let Otis out to do his "bitness" (pee, poop, walk about) at 2:00 a.m. The bastahd woke me up out of a dead sleep.I got up and let him out. He took off and I couldn't catch him. Now, mind you, he has been ill with THE CANCER, dreadful disease. And slow. He has been moving slow. Well, that was the last time I saw him. My memory was of his butt, me chasing him, and he ignoring me. Needless to say at that moment I was miffed. He had done it before, but usually ended up at the front door about 2-3 hours later.
April 19th, he still had not shown back up home. Moose was driving us crazy with his pacing and checking the window, whining, sucking on his blankie. (no shit-he really does that). Bug was moping and crying at times. I only cried late at night by myself.
I braced myself he ran off to die, but kept thinking maybe someone was taking care of him. The 19th, I prepared in my mind to do a memorial for him and announce his passing to Facebook friends and The Boogie Man blog with a nice tribute. Really, I had thought about posting earlier to the blog, but I didn't feel like it. Thus, I didn't feel like posting anything. I really was down in the dumps.
On top of that, it has been a struggle for me professionally, financially, and emotionally in the last year, but I kept telling myself the light at the end of the tunnel is near...maybe in a couple months. Reality is it might be in 4-6 months. I really have been pinching pennies and I don't know why we pinch things, it's mean. And it doesn't make pennies go farther. They are still one cent.
There were times when I would give things to people or help them and now I find myself at the other end of the stick which is a hard thing to deal with because I am more of a giver than a receiver. I feel blessed that there are so many kind people in the world and I don't know how to thank them properly or enough. How do you tell someone their card made a difference or that gift card to WalMart was just in time for groceries I couldn't afford. Or that $20.00 my mom sent in a card paid for gas to get to work. What about the friend that just thinks of you and sends you an email? Or the countless wonderful blog friends that send an email to see how you are doing because you haven't posted in a while? Have you ever had to call in sick because you didn't have gas money to get there? I know I have. I know some of my friends who have. For the first time, my privileged life is no longer. Don't get me wrong, I have had to work for almost everything I have had in life the hard way. I didn't appreciate my security before when I wasted money left and right and didn't save enough. Now I realize the value of that, working from the bottom up, being unemployed. Maybe that is the journey God had wanted me to take to bring me back down to the simple enjoyment of things and in turn, enjoying the simple things in people. I was so far lost at times emotionally with my first divorce and in the bowels of hell with my second marriage that I could not see the forest for the trees.
Can you really do enough or tell someone enough how much you appreciate their help? What a humbling experience. The first thing I want to do is return the favor or pay back the money, even though it is tough and you can't possibly at that moment. It's even harder when you fail at providing for yourself and your child at times.
This is embarking on a new venture for me, a new experience. I can't imagine what has happened to middle America and the decline of the nuclear family, but I saw it when I was a police officer. Now I am living in it, in the heart of the Mid-West where the fall of industry and manufacturing plants surrounds me. You can see it in their faces, the blue collar and the white collar execs who are no more.
I really have a new appreciation for the fall of the economy and what it does to people, especially when they lose everything. My situation is a little different because I chose to leave all that is secure. I don't blame the government, the economy, or anything or anyone else. Moving for empty and unfulfilled marital promises was part of the result, the other...was an extremely positive one.
I can only express what I see in my child and the difference the move has made on her and our family as a unit. We are stronger. She is stronger and is growing into a beautiful young lady with a rock solid moral compass and a big heart.
All things that matter in life have become real again.
Sure, I lost my identity, my prestige and reputation in the community that I had known for over 30 years. However, I found myself again (the pre-1989 self and the 2010 self is resurrecting-two selves-egads! I knew I had voices in there) and I found my daughter.
I am proud to say, although we have our mother-daughter moments, I am very proud of the individual she is becoming. She is not me. She is not her father. She is herself and I am allowing her be just that. As a parent you can only hope and pray they turn out OK and that you do the right things to mold them into good people. Then you have to let them fly.
Well, she is a teenager, so she doesn't get pushed out of the nest just yet. It is more like tether ball. I don't even know how to play that game, but I know if you throw that ball, which is attached to a string, it beats itself up against the pole after flying around a little bit, then winds back down the pole and gets stuck. That's what it is like living with a teenager. That and it's similarities to dodge ball.
Again, I digress. The point I was getting to is near. I think.
The Easter Bunny has blessed me in several forms this month. I am loved. It is an amazing feeling.
Many gifts were given to me in different forms and I was overwhelmed. I withdrew from blogging for a while and I haven't written one word on any of my books for months. Shameful.
I was sent something from Missouri and I cried. I was sent something from Minnesota and I cried. The reaching out to me was coming from all directions at a time when I was defeated inside, but trying to hide it. I was given something from Tennessee and I cried.
EB Rabbit sent a very nice surprise package to my front door from Michigan and I cried. Bug was in awe that someone would think of her and her poetry.
On top of all this emotional roller coaster, I had a cancer scare, I had dental work, I got new contacts and my eye exam. It was huge. It was the first time I had REAL health care since December 2012. And Otis. He was gone.
I was in denial at first, still clinging to that last hope that he would be found or arrive back home. He didn't show up. I talked out loud to him at times. Bug was upset and I comforted her every day. Moose. Well, there was nothing helping that neurotic soul. He was just nuts. I cried every night when I went to sleep.
April 19th, about midnight, I just felt I needed to get up and go for a walk. I had not been sleeping all too well. I went outside in my jammies for all the world to see and walked outside, sat down on my bench, then walked around, thinking and talking to myself. Something I did along the river, which I was really missing. Those peaceful walks were my sanity at times.
As I turned to go back inside this yellow mass came running up to the back door, then turned and saw me, and ran for me.
OTIS. Dumb dog.
He wagged his tail and I petted him, then I hugged him. He was skinny. His front claws were worn down and it looked like he had been digging. Yes, I sobbed.
I really don't know what kind of journey he had been on or what his food source was, but I was overjoyed he was home. The next morning, Aunt Superwoman woke up to see a ghost dog, thinking it was the first time for everything, then she realized it really was Otis. Bug was so excited and Moose went back to his normal self.
It's funny how the return of a big, dumb, stubborn, bull-headed yellow lab can bring the equilibrium in a house back to par. Strange.
He is getting stronger and eating well, being his happy self. His farts are still extremely bad and I suffer. It's something you put up with when you love someone.
A new focus has become a forefront for me. It's a little thing, a small milestone, but it has given me a new drive. My personality is not one to stay stagnant for long. I have been entering 5K races to drive myself forward in a new direction. Perhaps it is because death is inevitable for all of us and I have had a rude awakening with my lackadaisical attitude, taking myself for granted. I don't want to be old and decrepit. I want to embrace this latter half of life with vigor and strength. It is nice that the university had a wellness program that affords these opportunities on a poverty budget. LOL. Maybe it will awaken the writer in me again so I can finish these half-written Boogie Man books.
So there you have it- The Harry Potter April Saga. The non-posts. The dead files.
Decompressing was necessary, however, I have missed reading your blogs, seeing your comments, and interacting. Most of all, I have missed some funny or intense moments which you all have shared. Not to worry, our lives are full of them and I realize there will be more. I just wanted you all to know that I do read your posts.
In retrospect, it is funny how hind sight is so vivid. We all have experienced this I am sure. Here I thought all this time I had been dealing with the first divorce so well in 2010-2011, that I lost sight of myself later down the road in 2012-2013 and what was going on with me in the second marriage- which beat my spirit into the ground. Perhaps my personal life had been such a wreck because I was trying to salvage something that didn't exist in the first place.
Well, I'm back. The ME is back, not the imposter fake person trying to get by with a smile on the outside and hiding what is going on in the inside. The aged me. I have aged on the outside. I am still a kid at heart. :)
My attempt at mommy duck lips of displeasure.