Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Paddle This

Well, The boobies were not aligned in my favor.

I received a call from my doctor to get right back into the office the next day. Over the phone at 8:00 PM, I was run through a series of questions that felt like an interrogation. Nurse Ratchet asked me over and over-you sure you haven't felt any pain in your left breast?

My only response to her was that it really, really hurt during the mammogram when my boob got smashed and it was like an orange in a trash compactor, or how we would simulate it. Although, we didn't get any orange juice and now that visual just took a wrong turn down the dirty highway.

Anytatas, I got the paddle. And NO, Coffeypot, it is not what you think. Picture this. Boob on tray, paddle comes....slowly...then BAM! Paddle hits boob and smashes a size C to the depth of a dime. Yeah. Picture that boys. It feels about as nice as hitting your family jewels with a ping pong paddle back and forth like the Chinese champions do at the world tournament. FORCE. Think FORCE.

While I peed down my leg, Nurse Ratchet had no sympathy. Seriously, tears ran down my face.

Moving on.

That showed bad results. New test.

That test showed bad results. 'Nother test.

While I am laying on the table in the dark while an ultrasound is being done during some point in this process, my mind wanders to everything FINAL. It especially hit home when the doctor said, "Is it true, your last mammogram was 8 years ago?" I was appalled at myself. Was it? Had it been? Was I so busy as a cop and business owner that I had not made my appointments? Skipped out?


I had screwed myself. Now everything had probably metastasized. This rang home when the ultrasound went to my rib cage all the way up to my shoulder. FUCK ME IN THE ASS!

I started to rewrite my will. I thought about Bug. I had an hour to lay there and beat myself up in the head. That's a hard thing to reach. According to my parents, it is extremely hard and stubborn in there.

You know when things go downhill real bad when your bottom lip starts to quiver and tears start coming and you try to stop it so you don't look like a fool! Yep. All that happened.

In the end, the doctor told me I was OK. I had benign fibroid-z- (two-plural) in there. Gross. The word sounds like aliens. So, I like to say I have alien abductions in my left boob.


Save your boobs. Save your life. Get checked annually and SHOW UP!

Oh, and yes, I was a little disappointed in not getting new fake boobs that are perky. Nurse Ratchet ruined all hopes for these puppies. They now drag on the floor.


Angelwithatwist said...

As a woman who has had fibroids in her boob all of her life as has my sister I know that kind of fear. They did take a few out of my sister a long time ago only to have them reform.. apparently it is a genetic thing.. I am glad you are okay darling and DONT SKIP THOSE APPT WOMAN

MrGarabaldi said...

Hey Momma Fargo;

I am glad that the "girls" are ok...even though they might be a bit smushed.
Like Angel said" Don't SKIP THOSE APPTS WOMEN".

VandyJ said...

So glad it's all OK. I hated my first appt. Not looking forward to an annual visit, but you do what you gotta do for the tatas.

Old NFO said...

Smushed is better than the alternative, glad it's not life threatening!

Commchick said...

I, too, have dealt with fibroid masses all my life. However, in June of 2005 (while getting one of my yearly mammograms) the tech found a suspicious spot and sent me for more extensive testing. A biopsy found that I had cancer, but since it was found so early I only had to have a lumpectomy and a few weeks of radiation. I have been cancer free for almost ten years now. I still have the occasional scare when a lump shows up, but so far they have only been fibroids. Your health is one of your most important assets, and you need to be around to remind Bug how important that test is when she is old enough to begin testing. Take care of yourself and keep up the writing, I enjoy every word.

Coffeypot said...

I am so sorry you had to go through that, both physically and mentally, and I am sorry it hurt. I'll kiss them well for you... no charge. Just being helpful and neighborly.

And I can bring along the paddle,too. You know you have been a bad girl...

Momma Fargo said...

Angel, Mr. G...Yes. I know now not to skip those dang boobie crushing events. Oy.

Vandy J and OldNFO...yes. LOL

Commchick...CONGRATS! You are an inspiration and I am so glad you had early detection. Bravo! I learned my lesson and I was so caught up in my job and life activities that the rude awakening was heard loud and clear!

Coffeypot...um...umm...so naughty!

Jennifer said...

I am so glad it turned out okay for you! As another one with fibrous tissue combined with a strong maternal history of breast cancer, I'm already dreading my first mammogram scheduled for this year. My mom faithfully had mammograms starting at age 40 (I don't get to wait that long), and skipped exactly one year - bad choice as the next year she had stage 2 breast cancer. She's been in remission for 9 years, yay! But between her and my doctor, I don't think I'll ever skip one. Glad you're using your experience to drive the point home!

Slamdunk said...

Glad you are ok, and that nothing deters your great sense of humor.

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
I'm glad your "partners" came through their "probie" status fine.
(okay, that WAS a pun-intended)

You have a good take on life, too.
Just don't jump the gun - reserve THAT for when you add two more deades to yourself (like me).
((hint: try not to even do THAT...aging is highly overrated...lol))

Take care & roll safe down there.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You practically made me laugh, cry and pee when I read this. The hell we women endure at every turn - to make sure we aren't being murdered by cancer cells. Meanwhile, our droopy boobs droop further and further towards the earth's core without any hope of ever ascending the belly button. I feel your pain. LOL.


ravenjanedoh said...

My doc is all up in my junk about going and getting the ladies paddled. I haven't done it because uh, I can't afford it. I'm sorry your boobs don't produce juice (totally gross visual, BTW - LOL!) and I'm sorry your boobs have been abducted, and now you don't get new perky boobs. I want perky boobs too - one would think after getting them smashed they would just offer replacements. Damage compensation. We should lobby for that.

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Anonymous said...

Phew. Glad it was "nothing"!!!