Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


It is the season of squirrel sex. Last night I was on my porch during the nice drizzly evening, 80 degrees, and the sun came out for a minute. For that one minute, I observed an abundant amount of  squirrels having sex on my barn roof and on the balcony of the empty house next to mine. I found myself getting INGROSSED ( not engrossed) in their activity. In fact, I am pretty certain I would have been able to write a medical journal research paper on the study.
Have you ever watched squirrels have sex-like lurked at 'em like a stalker type? They are very fast and their recovery rate is very speedy as well. I mean really fast. It's like wrrrrr.wrrrr.wrrrrr. And then they start again. It's like a little motor engine-the kind that doesn't pop or clang, but runs fast and smooth. Think of the noise of a cordless drill. That's IT! That's the commotion motion.
They aren't even nice about it. The boy slams his paw down on the girl's back and says, "Gurl, stop heyah, NOW! I have an urgency." She complies. It's a whorehouse. I would label it: The WhirlHouse if I were a proprietor of squirrel sex.
Urgency is the squirrel version of emergency. In their life, they have no emergencies, they are all actions based off of urges. Urges to eat, urges to have sex, etc. Therefore, they are called urgencies.  
I think they can do the nasty at least a bazillion times a day. There little legs are going as fast as their penis. The girl just lays there or sometimes tries to run away. The thrill of the chase. When the girls are compliant, they appear unamused as if to look at my house and say, "That lady needs to paint her house. I wonder if she will paint it beige."
All that energy expenditure. This might lead to their constant hunt for their nuts. The burning of the calories must be great. I wonder how many calories they burn a minute?

Thwirrels are exhibitionists as they have no qualms about doing it in front of God and everyone. Even if I made fun of them, they went faster. Except, one squirrel boy. He looked at me and gave me the snide little (no pun intended) dickens' snarl as if he was the Darth Vader squirrel-minus the light sabor, then ran off. The squirrel girl was like, "Wha? Wha?" She must have been upset at the quick draw method and sudden disappointment.

I found all this quite entertaining to a point I had to give Bug a commentary and tell her to look. I might have even squinted my eyes while studying the little nymphos. My daughter thought it was gross and I was sick. She went back to writing poems and journal stories with her new markers from The Russian Bear.

I hope she thinks like that until she is 40.

Needless to say after they were finished, I had a sudden urge to have a cigarette.

And I don't even smoke.


Carrie Rambles said...

Shit, now I have to stare at squirrels to see if they have sex alot. You are such a deviant

Well Seasoned Fool said...


GunDiva said...

Laughing so effing hard! This is hilarious. I totally would have sat on your porch watching squirrel porn with you! Did you start flashing their scores at them? 'Cause I might have been tempted.

VandyJ said...

Our boys just think the squirrels like to play chase. The silly things chase all over the yard, up and down the tree and all over. No modesty there at all.

Momma Fargo said...

Carrie, Yes. WSF, Yes. GunDiva, Yes. VandyJ, Yes. Golly, I am such a slut.

Allenspark Lodge said...

I can honestly say that this morning when I woke up, I was not expecting to read a treatise on squirrel sex today.

No. Really.


Mrs Mom said...

Thquirrels and Ducks. Its duck sex season at the lake. At least the thquirrels go after GIRL Thquirrels. If there isn't a GIRL duck handy, the dominant boy ducks will pin down Charlie.

It ain't purty.

Funny as hell.. but not a pretty thing to observe (and have to explain to 8 and 9 year old boys. Yikes.)

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
ROFLMAO...never quite watched those l'il furries in THAT manner before (but I guess I'll have to NOW).

And there are those that say Indiana is BORING...HA!
Now, if you can get them to come up to your door like a Jehovah's Witness (sans copies of The Watchtower) wanting some PEANUTS...
I swear, they look like door-to-door salesmen.
So, where's that vacuum cleaner, Bub?
(guess my "No Soliciting" sign isn't working)

Funny post.

Stay safe down there.

Old NFO said...


ravenjanedoh said...

I think the little squirrels in our yard are neutered. Maybe gay. The ones that haven't been slaughtered by my dog are all fat and lazy (maybe because of all the birdseed I put out) and have never been caught doing a drill. They waddle across the fence and look at me like, "Bitch. Please." when I try to scare them off the seeds. Then they have at it anyway. - They're too fat to have sex maybe? Too full of nuts? (Eeewww!)