Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Monday, May 18, 2015


I've been trying to increase my mileage if I am to accomplish a half-marathon in the fall. Now I see myself only entering if I run the whole thing or slow jog, whatever. BUT my office expert says it's OK to run/walk and just finish, especially your first one. My theory is never enter a race too big for your britches, but that's just me. I could care less about image.

So therefore, I train longer miles and harder. Mind you, it's taken more than a year to feel awesome again, so I am just going to expend myself.

Yesterday at the gym, I had a creeper. He resembled Fred Flintstone somewhat and was with his son.

Even his son told his dad to stop staring because he was being a creeper. I heard that plus viewed a smack on the left arm as he delivered his disgust to his father. Good boy. Keep that up.

I wished he would have stared at the young pretty college girls instead of someone his own age. Yeah. Then he would have been super creepy and I could have attacked that shit with some Fargo magic. Quash the chimo. But it was apparent he wasn't one.

Father and son were preparing to leave when I walked in and I overheard their conversation of staying longer. At first I thought nothing of it until I felt: THE SIDEWAYS AWKWARD GAZE. It was not smooth at all. Soon father and son were on the stair stepping machines which are in the southeast corner of the track facing outside, mind you, nowhere near forward facing the track. I like it that way. People stare outside, opposite of the runners.

Every time I rounded that corner, he would turn and stare at me while stairing. It was awkward: SIDEWAYS AWKWARD. I tried to fart in that area, but luck would have it I had no gas that day.

Immediately, I donned my resting bitch face, but it did not deter his glances. He probably thought I was just a serious runner.

What happens when you have a creeper? You creep back. Why? I don't know! The creeper backs don't creep like the creepers. It's like self-defense creeping. It's the only way you can counter move the creeper moves.

I watched out of the corner of my evil eye as I was on the other side and he didn't turn for the cute, young skinny girls, so he was being age appropriate. It was still gross. Yes, I was the only old girl on the track. Thankfully, I only had to suffer for 90 minutes of my runs (not butt explosions) and the rest was interval training and went smoothly without any uncomfortable clouds. It could have been longer and more of an expedition instead of the longest journey.

Why couldn't he be HIM:

Hmmm Mmmm

Oh, I know why. It doesn't work that way for me. I get the Fred Flintstones and the Barney Rubbles. Or serial killer types. 

Yabba dabba doo! Doo. DON'T! 

As I thought about it, I tried to change my gait to an uneven gallop, embracing my inner klutz. I really didn't have to dig too deep as it comes naturally. Perhaps if I looked like a three legged turtle, he would avert. Nope. Failed attempt.

What if I walked a lot? Gym people don't like slackers. I tried that. I looked away or down every time I passed that corner. Nope. He was a true creeper. 

Why couldn't it be a day of allergies with long snot trains running down my face? Or a booger stuck to my cheek? Yeah. Even I can't do that, I would have gagged...but I think it would have solved the problem. 

Gym Creeper Top Tens:

1.  Flirting with the gym workers.
2. Watching girls squat.
3. Talking about someone's Spandex
4. Working out next to a hot chick, switching up your routine just to be next to her.
5. Looking at someone in the mirror, pretending you are working out.
6. SIDEWAYS AWKWARD GAZE. Like you are some sort of smooth operator.
7. Looking at someone while working biceps. Creepy. Freak!
8. Wearing a cut up t-shirt which represents two strings, showing off your muffin top.
9. Ignoring headphones and trying to make conversation with someone. They are on for a reason!
10. Bringing your cute kid to the gym. It's like bringing your dog to the park to pick up chicks.

My only defense was to outlast his stay because as you exit the 40 million dollar facility, you have to give them your last name so they can give retrieve your faculty/staff ID. It was a day to be Gladys Nightstone, but of course, if I said that and they didn't have an ID to match, then I would be whack. I go there every single day. Why couldn't they just look at me and know who I am, hand me my card? Why? Because gym workers have to say, "Have a nice day, Ms. Loving!" Ack. Another way for a creeper to find out who you are. 

So there I was. I was really expired at an hour, but, by golly, I would keep going until he left and stopped lingering at the track like a stray cat. 

How long did I keep going?

45 minutes longer. 

I'm pretty exhausted. 

Maybe I need more creepers to challenge me.  I'm pretty sure that is a bad idea. 

It's CreepFit.


Coffeypot said...

You should just walk up to him and tell him in a voice everyone can hear that you do not appreciate his staring at you like a creep. And if he really wanted to impress any woman in the gym, the only machine he could use is the ATM.

Momma Fargo said...

Bwahahha! Coffeypot, thanks for that.

Well Seasoned Fool said...

+1 Coffeypot, the Georgia Philosopher.

Ms. A said...

I don't have problems with creepers, however... I am currently too big for all my britches!

Old NFO said...

+1 on CP... don't sugarcoat it, just slam him early...

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You are so funny. I never thought about trying to fart in a creeper's direction. I accidentally fart at the gym in cute guys' direction. Dang.

I just bought pepper spray to deter the creepers, but it doesn't really work to hold pepper spray up while you're on the treadmill. Or does it?

Bob G. said...

Momma Fargo:
And that's one (of several hundred) of the reasons I DO NOT go to gyms.
Anyone wants to creep-stare me,.,..I give 'em the stink-eye back...and follow it up with "take a picture - it'll last longer, (moron - this word IS optional)."

Yep, that will make friends and influence people...lol.

Roll safe down there, dear.