Evidence 101

EVIDENCE 101...Wherever you go, there you are...

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Rimworld Stranded

Putting a little shout out for my my friend OldNFO. I have read a portion of this and it is very good. Here is his latest book which is an entire universe away from his westerns...

For you sci-fi lovers, you will eat this up. Get yours on Amazon. 

Senior Sergeant McDougal wasn’t a combat troop, he was a maintainer. He was good at it, proud of his status, and on his first planetary detachment as the lead maintenance troop for an outpost.
But, when he got stranded on Regulus Four, a Rimworld and one of the clusters that formed the DMZ between the Patrol and the Dragoons, his status didn’t mean a thing…
Improvising, adapting, and trying like hell not to panic, he did his best to fulfill the Patrol’s prime directive to destroy the portable stargate, and still get himself off the planet in one piece before the Dragoons got to him.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Teenzilla's Final School Moments

Just as Teenzilla arose with a fiery thug...I cowered in the corner. I did not know what to expect. Each day is different.

BUG: Mom, how does this look?

ME: It is a very pretty outfit. You look very nice.

BUG: Well, I need your opinion. I think I should wear a brown cardigan with it. What do you think?

ME: No. I don't think it would look right. It looks nice just the way it is and you would be too hot. Besides brown would not go.

BUG: (miffed) Fine. What about a white shirt on top of this one?

ME: No, honey. I don't think so. It is just right the way it is.


And so I don't know why Teenzilla would ask for my opinion and then explode when she didn't like the answer. Oh wait. It's the teenager thing. Sigh.

I left for work heavy-hearted because I don't like to leave things like that in the morning, but it has become quite regular.

So I was hated until she came home from school, crying. I received a frantic call in the middle of my workout and I had to rush home to see what was wrong. She jumped up off the couch when I strolled in all sweaty and gross and almost knocked me over with a bear hug. The tears were flowing.

Apparently, some kid at school had started a rumor about her having an oral sex moment with another boy. Little buttheads. She just sobbed and said she prides herself on being a virgin and a nice girl. It ruined her reputation, she declared.

"Mommy, I am not a slut!"

"Yes, honey, I know that."

Oh, we are so wise and old and having gone through such ugly rumors, and survived them all. I know no words I said made it better.

So it was Cheetos.

Cheetos make everything better. And ice cream. But we didn't have any.

I thought about offering some wine and chocolate, but then that would be some bad parenting. So I had it.

Cheetos. Comfort food for Teenzillas. Remember that.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Snark Alert: Handling the Press

It is all about the press this week. Check out my new post on Uniform Stories here. Tell me what you think or rate, like, comment, or share. Pass me around like a Tuesday hooker. Every click helps. If you don't like it, comment that way as well. We are all about telling the truth.

As a companion piece...I came up with this. Now...a warning...this is just snark. I had great relationships with the press due to mutual respect. Some are even some dear friends. They might not, however, find my funny here. I find my funny most always, but not everyone is on the same page.

Gotta love George on a Great White Steed

How We Would Like To Handle The Media In Law Enforcement

Police officers do not hesitate to take on dangerous and dynamic situations. That is after all, what we are trained for once we don the uniform. We live, eat, and breathe those types of calls to action. We know how to act when faced with a deadly force situation and save life and property daily-all somewhat routine and regular. Although these types of summons are performed forthwith, we have our own kryptonite:  the television camera or microphone shoved in our face by the media.

In today’s realm, the mainstream media does not always paint a pretty picture for law enforcement. They often spin headlines to gain readers and shock the masses, but set aside most of the truth. The community papers and media might be less dramatic than national news, but are not without their conflicts with law enforcement.

My first rule of thumb as a rookie was to tell the press “I know nothing.” This was entirely true. Later on as a detective, rather than lie, I would tell them, “I cannot comment. Talk to the sergeant.” This was also true.  But geez, they keep coming back like bees on honey, those relentless bastards.

Both of those replies offend most reporters and you end up looking like an asshole. We still have to deal with them and no one wants bad press. Most of us may view journalists as “the plague” whose hearts bleed for the bad guys. Additionally, they are often seen as arrogant, strong minded individuals who proclaim to be experts in the law and the order. Those combinations sit about as well as an unglazed donut. I was lucky I had good journalists in my area. There were some loose cannons, but most of them were stand up people. 

Besides trying to get all the scoop by giving you Home Alone questions, reporters physically escape their containments because hearing a second hand story isn’t good enough. Maybe they squeak past your barrier tape or do a work around to get information. They are like pesky kids and their curiosity is worse than most feral cats.

If we told it like it is on some of our gruesome scenes, they would shudder and fold into mush. Pictures of a decapitation? I don’t know if they could handle it. Maybe it would be too un-freaking-believable for them to comprehend.

Perhaps what we need to do since the filter has been taken off of television, is take ours off as well.  What if we added a little of our own spin?

“What happened here, Officer?”

“A crash.”

“Yes, I see that. Could you tell me more?”

“Well, that red car there went that way and the black car here went this way. They collided. Most of the passengers are going to live, I believe.”

“But it’s just a fender bender.”

“Yes, ma’am, but people could have died. They were lucky.”

There were so many times I really wanted to be more of a smart ass. But we all know the press can be cop career makers or breakers and what comes out of our mouths we own. Somehow we must foster a working association or at least fake it. But there are some tricks to the trade in order to get to that point. So how do we really handle the media as police officers? There are many ways to show them the way, but here are 11 of them. Why 11? Because 10 is just too ordinary.

1.    Don’t let them near your scene. Whisper warnings to them in a dry Gunny Highway voice as you walk by. This pitch and tone is too low to be recorded or overheard. No one would believe it anyway.

2.       Put them in the back seat of your cruiser for their career making interview with a serial killer. Check in on them from time to time. Make sure you take their pencils away prior to placing them in your car.

3.       Rope off a nice 5’ x 5’ square press box about 4 blocks away from the scene of your homicide. They can all be happy in there together. If you want to keep them out of the wind, place your confinement next to a cement wall or building. Have a community service officer stand by to maintain the parameter, but make sure they receive no updates to disperse.

4.       Make them the chief’s problem at any hour of any day. If one is relentless with questions, wake up the chief to connect them via their cell phone. Put the chief’s number in their phone book for future reference. Once connected, leave.

5.       Have that dancing cop entertain them while you unsuspectingly wheel the body past them.

6.       Duct tape the mouthy persistent ones and see if they can do that break and release trick.

7.       Assign the most friendly, but slow talking cop as your PIO (Public Information Officer).

8.       Bridge the gaps between the press and cops by putting them in a ride along program. Be sure to have them assigned to an officer who never arrives. Have dispatch call them off of every call just as they are about to land on scene.

9.       Send them a really spammy press release written in emoji mingled in with a few vague facts.

10.           Have them set their camera down and help you remove a liquefied body.

11.    Hug them long and hard. This is surely awkward and will deter further approaches.

In all seriousness, cops and journalists have to find a way to work together for mutual benefit. It is a give and take relationship which may endure some trust issues. Bad press is all but destroying the good we do.  I had a wise supervisor say to me as a detective, “Give them dogs some bones, but just the small ones. And be nice. Maybe they will come through for us someday.” This is all good and well, however, you have to be careful about the content and details you release. Don’t give them the custard filled donuts, just pass out the regular glazed. Make sure they are a little stale.

Journalists are valuable for alerting the public about dangerous suspects or missing persons. When you have an amicable working relationship, they can be advantageous to a police organization. In this day and age, good press can present departments to the public in a favorable light to help boost community partnerships.  It doesn’t mean you give up all the goods, but you give them enough to have a story without jeopardizing your investigation. Too often, they may still push and try to color outside the lines. It is the nature of their job. We can find a way to play in the sandbox together, but we still have to growl at them once in a while.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Bad Human Tricks

I am pretty much over the brutal bison killings in Yellowstone by park officials. It was a baby for Pete's Sake! Poor thing. So my bleeding heart liberal is showing. Sue me. They made an announcement that they are not in the business of rescuing animals and would have had to quarantine it. Well...la tee dah. Ranchers do it all the time. Oh, yes, it happens at zoos. It happens when someone rescues a wild animal or any exotic. It happens everywhere but all of a sudden in the park system...it is as big and as likely as Obama making a positive speech about cops.

I bet they would have rescued a wolf.

And then low and behold, some ijigits walked out on a hot springs there. I watched them crouch down and lean over. I was waiting for them to fall in and then that would be all she wrote. It didn't happen. It was very anticlimactic. Here let me show you. I must warn you this is a graphic film of complete asshats. They are not stupider than the dudes who put the baby bison calf in their vehicle, however. That one wins.

Bad humans.

Today my clouds are aligned in some odd sky way as clouds do align in skyways...as I am grumpier than my teenager is when she wakes up. For those who don't know...that is WAY grumpy. I have a permanent frown on my face. I have no idea what happened.

Right now some Cheetos would make me happy but they are not on the diet plan.

Now can you see why I am pissy? Everyone should get Cheetos when they want them.

It's inevitable.

Monday, May 16, 2016

I Was A Lawyer... And I Lied To A Judge... That One Time

This weekend Bug and I watched Concussion with Will Smith based upon Dr. Bennett Omalu's medical discovery and his struggle to bring the realization of CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) to the NFL. We both thought the movie was good and sad at the same time. Eerie but not surprising that the NFL brought down some shady stuff. Sadly (speaking of which), I don't find anything online that would suggest treatments or anything effective to help these patients, except maybe treating the depression part of it. In fact, the Mayo Clinic says there is no treatment for this disease and it needs to be studied further. 

It brought back a flood of memories. I'm sure you know where this is going. 

It took years to get a divorce from the serial killer.  Yes, I said, YEARS-not months. I don't think I ever shared the court battles on here. I don't think I will but maybe give out some Cliff Notes of the ordeal. It was zero fun and nor do I wish to redo that experience. In the end, I had to fire my attorney and go pro se. I don't think I have totally shit my pants in court, until the day I became a "lawyer." Luckily, I had a very kind judge who was patient with me. I studied hard and in about two weeks I was ready to be an attorney. 

So roll the time forward and it was the deciding day on the stand after firing my attorney, hiring a PI out of Chicago, PI investigation to track down my husband who was avoiding service and contact-and still did to the end, publishing in the newspapers, etc., etc., the whole ball of wax  and the whole shebang. In fact, he never made a court appearance. Everywhere I went I was told my attorney should be doing this and that. I told them I AM THE ATTORNEY, bitches. It was exhausting. Those attorneys are worth their prices...well, most of them. 

Judge H. reviewed everything very carefully.

JUDGE H.: Ms. Loving, are you sure there is nothing the state of Indiana can do to reconcile your marriage?

Ok. Now I was forming sweat beads because I didn't want this to delay any further. It had been FOREVER already. Good night I was going to be ancient before I was free from these shackles and this black cloud. And surely, I did not want to have sex in sin. Who wants to be naughty with a married woman? 

ME: No, sir. 

JUDGE H.: Ok. Ms. Loving, are you sure you do not want any of this property back in which Mr. Loving has in his possession which you brought to the marriage? It looks like he brought zero and you have given him thousands?

ME: No, sir. He can keep it. I am sure he pawned the ring anyway. The furniture, household items, and paintings he can have.

JUDGE H.: Ok. Did he give you a ring? I need to list everything.

ME: No, sir.

JUDGE H.: He didn't give you a ring? 

ME: No, sir. 

JUDGE H.: Ok. [muttered something under his breath that I could not hear] 

I am sure the judge was looking at the stupidest broad in history to marry a man who did not produce even a ring. Yes, I was the stupidest broad in history. Bam. 

And so the Judge did his thing and granted me free and clear...legally divorced. Ah. What a great feeling it was. He also made sure I had an original copy with his signature. We signed like 4 copies. He knew I needed to have it official and in my hands on that day. 

Relationship Status: Sleeping In My Bed Diagonally 

As I was gathering my things and preparing to leave....

JUDGE H.: Ms. Loving?

ME: Yes, Your Honor.

JUDGE H.: Do you think your husband suffers from that concussion thing from the NFL?

I thought about it that for a moment. I knew I definitely had brain damage. But him?

ME: You mean my ex-husband?

JUDGE H.: [smiled] Yes, I mean your ex-husband.

ME: I'm not sure, Your Honor. It could be possible.

JUDGE H.: It sure sounds like it.  I wonder if things would have been different for you. Sad deal.

ME: Yes, sir. 

JUDGE H.: Ms. Loving, do me a favor.

ME: Yes, sir?

JUDGE H. : This has been the longest divorce proceeding in my history, I believe. If you get married again, find someone who is good to you. You deserve a nice fella. I can say I will be glad to never see you again. [giggle] 

ME: Yes, sir.

JUDGE H.: Good luck to you, Ms. Loving.

ME: Thank you, Your Honor.

And so there was this one time....at Indiana district court... where I stood there in a high dollar suit and lied straight faced to the judge while posing as a lawyer. I don't think I have been that dirty in all my life. 

No, I don't think the serial killer suffers from CTE endured in the NFL. I just think he is a bi-polar violent asshole who self-medicates with alcohol

I really wanted that to be my answer. 

Free Bird

Friday, May 13, 2016

The Friday Blots

Fargo blew the dust bunnies off the blog as she looked around and saw no one.

It is Friday the 13th. Is this absence of humans to be expected or was it related to yesterday's post? It is deserted in here like an island with no habitants. A habitant is a French settler down Louisiana way or Canaduh if you didn't know. An inhabitant is all the others. So, therefore, in conclusion, there are no French people around here. Or anyone else for that matter.

Apparently, yesterday my talk about health issues and lube was too much. I was going to take it down so no one had to look away or be embarrassed, but I didn't. Why? I don't know. So it could embarrass my mother? I have done that all my life. One time one of my Minnesota aunts called me and said she used to read my blog, but can't anymore because it was "whew". Yeah. I told her nothing is sacred and everything is shamed on here. She said, "oh boy." I told her if she thinks The Boogie Man has no filter, she should go over The Snow Camo. She didn't think she could.  I  have a tendency to talk about anything under the sun. Literally. I was talking about things yesterday where the sun doesn't shine. It's the cops' fault. The job made me that way.  The cricket sounds in here were getting so bad I couldn't hear myself think. And for all who don't know...that's way loud.

I really thought it was necessary information I should share for all the world to know. Oh well. At least it was way more exciting than America fighting over bathroom issues. That shit is in the toilet. The matters we see in the news just keeps flushing our country down the drain. Puns intended. Can you believe how much time and money is being spent over the ordeal? Why doesn't the entire world just make private rooms so we can move on? Unisex bathrooms with one person per room. Shut the door, lock it, do your business. Done! Next! No more stalls and urinals. Let's do it!

Also irritating is the rumor of establishment Republicans creating a third party run. What a waste of our time and their egos. NO ONE WANTED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE! Another cherry picking headliner is the tizzy over Donald Trump's taxes. I DON'T CARE! That's between him and the IRS. I don't care about anyone's taxes unless they are a criminal and then stick it to them!

And Pinterest...poop on you. I recently got a message that I had pinned something against their policy and got a complaint? WTF? It said something about nudity? I have NONE of that on my pin boards. Freaking whackjobs. Perhaps my lasagna pin was TOO NAKED for someone. Get off my boards, you freaking whiners. If you don't like my stuff, go away! It irritates me the same as when someone jackknifes my Facebook account, complaining that I posted something they didn't like. GO AWAY! It's my page. If you don't like me, go away! I don't complain about other people and their Faceplant pages even if they are nasty and hateful. I click off. Is that so hard?

In the good news...

1. Carlie Trent was found safe.
2. I am finally in my running groove and I feel I might live through a half marathon in the fall.
3. I did not die. This is not a scheduled post. Every day above ground is a good one.
4. Despite my teenager's attitude and mouth having the runs, she did not die.
5. I didn't have to use lube to take anything life handed me this week.
6. It's Friday! Yay, weekend!

Some things I need to improve on:

1. My approach. Teenagers do not think it is funny when you respond to their eye rolling but encouraging them to continue so they might locate some sense or a brain in the back of their eyelids.
2. My filter. It seems I need to reattach this device but it seems to be lost at the moment. Note to self: find filter.
3. My diet. According to my coach, I am eating too many carb ladened fruits and veggies. I mean, who knew cucumbers had so many carbs? They taste like nothing. Aren't carbs supposed to have flavor? FMITA.
4. My princess mode. The cops told me I act like a man. Whiskey-tango-foxtrot? I have no idea what that means unless I am not the damsel in distress kind. This lady does not look like a dude. I guess I need to act like a priss and not look strong. How do you do that? I need a work husband to do my fixins' at home.
Around here it is scheduled to be partly cloudy with undertones of rain and a high of 50 degrees. Super. I love going from 85 to 50 in 5.5 hours. Mother Nature is such a bitch sometimes.

So, I'm going to go figure out how to entertain myself in cold weather. Blah. Have a great weekend!

Monday, May 9, 2016

Things That Make You Go..Hmmm

Police officers see all kinds of living. There are different styles found in many criminal establishments. Surely you will see a nice fancy ride parked out front and the big flat screen television through the window. Those are common at every household. The rest is really unique to the area of town or type of crime they are engaged in conducting in your fair city. We can all appreciate the different ways of expressing ourselves in home interior and yard retreats. You know you are at a bad guy’s house when you find…

1. Clay pots on the steps, wooden window boxes on the trailer. Usually the flowers are neatly arranged and in a multitude of colors. And the fragrance...plastic. Oh, there might be even be dirt in the pots and window boxes. It makes a difference to have them growing in good, fertile soil.

2. Engine parts. Apparently if you stack them in piles in the lawn-it's yard art. Just like Van Gogh, only different and very metal. The grease makes the personality come out of the sculpture and the interpretation of the piece says a lot about America. Sometimes these are even kitchen centerpieces.

3. Trash heaps-a new type of composting. Ten to fifteen years in the making, or perhaps longer, and then it becomes rich soil for the garden. Butter boxes, Fritos packaging, and baby diapers seem to be ripe for making black gold.  If the shit smell attracts flies, the maggots compost things even faster. Brilliant!

4. Keystone Light cans. These are often thrown in the corner of the yard near the front gate. It is certainly a new organizational system of recycling. Those green people! Love them! Being green is great for our environment and these fine citizens are just doing their part to clean up America. They even make nice pyramid coffee table displays.

5. Lawn furniture. Even though the stuffing could be hanging out of a 1970’s Lane sofa with gold, brown, and white flower print, it is quite quaint on the porch next to the Bucket-O-Butts.
6. The large chain laying across the top steps leading to Fluffy, the attack dog-police friendly and all- beats a stone lion.

7. Mountain Dew cans, crown royal bags, overflowing ash trays, and dart boards often adorn the living rooms in these fine homes.

8. Coffee table books. They are so overrated, right? Who doesn't leave their sexual devices out for everyone's viewing pleasure? Cookie and a dildo, anyone?

9. We can’t forget the stench. It often has hints of body odor with a mist of cigarette smoke,  stale beer, and undertones of cat piss.

I love ghetto gardening and unusual interior adornments. At any given day we might stroll up to the front doors of these places to introduce ourselves to serve a warrant or respond to a call. What we see along the way are fun landscaping ideas and unique inner designs. Perhaps we might start off the conversation by picking their brains about their gardening techniques or wall hanging choices. What other great things do you see in the hood?

Friday, May 6, 2016

Weekend Constipation...er...Contemplation: Fabrications, Venereal Disease Decisions, and Rights

Oh, lookie what was in my email...

Friday is a good day to leave you with some food for thought over the weekend. We have several items to be serious about this year and this year could be monumental for our country. No fear mongering. 

In my opinion, each presidential election is getting more important. We all want to see positive growth in our country's economy and progress toward better societal unity. I'm not sure what it will behold for us, but a shake up either way the election pans out is sure to come. 

There are several potential seats for Supreme Court which may come open in our life time-one vacancy-but many aging justices sitting on the throne right now. The appointment of each Supreme Court Justice is very important. I, myself, don't like to see it heavy handed either liberal or conservative. I like a balance. I'm not so sure any president will see it that way. 

The 2nd Amendment continues to be a hot topic of contention. This is sacred to me and to many of you, I am sure. Do not phuck with our gun rights. Make better application laws, enforce the ones you have, punish the offenders. Seems pretty simple. But don't take them away from law abiding citizens.

Oh, those who will sing...clinging to your guns and Bible, Fargo! Yep. I don't preach it around the world or force it down anyone's throat, but it is my choice. I choose to participate in both. It should be an option for everyone. You don't have to partake. But if you don't have the choice, you get nothing. And those who taketh away from me maketh me mad. 

Sugarcoating  things with bogus gun laws and controls which make no sense or difference by using the slogan of "saving our children from 'gun violence'" is bullshit. Obamacare isn't working but what we need is another solution to our horrid health care system. We need something which works and is not cost prohibitive. 

So if you think your vote is not important, guess again.  Who we choose as a nation, may impact our country for a long time. Think about what you want. There are many of us who think about the venereal disease we would least likely to live with for the next  4, maybe 8 years and any decisions made during those years which may last thereafter. Ointment is temporary. Apply liberally. Wait. Wrong choice of words from a conservative mouth. LOL.

Look at the mess we are in and how we got here. It didn't happen overnight. It was a sequence of unfortunate events and decisions. It's not all Bush's fault. Obama didn't destroy everything. Both made a lot of mistakes (and/or their cabinet members and Congress) which cost us all.  I don't have the answers. I wish I did. I wish I saw a rosy path to victory. 

Do we want to be a socialist country? Why or why not? Do you want your rights to be infringed upon? Do you think another 4 years of stalemate in Congress is going to benefit anyone? Is Trump as evil as his protesters would have you believe? Will either Hillary or Trump pick a worthy running mate? What about a cabinet-who will do better? What do you want? 

World peace.

No, you boob, that is never going to happen. Should we stop striving for it? Maybe not. It's a good dream. 

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Non-treasure Treasure Hunting

This week has been trial by fire. What I mean by that is most academia are trying me and I am giving them fire. Bless their hearts. They know not what a Fargo is. People think they get credit for incompletes? Partial credit?

Where has our common sense gone? Oh. Right next to the moral compass where somewhere in time Josh Gates the 7th will find it on Expedition Unknown: The 7th Generation Series. Or maybe just lead you to believe you might find it. Josh Gates never finds shit. It is so frustrating. He is like the king of the blue balls syndrome.

"Oh, this is exciting! I've found something here!"

Commercial break.

Then the camera takes you to a crumbling rock wall or a green snake in the jungle. Panning over all the mystery, with no climax. Crew nearly dies by near snake bite.

Dude, that is not Captain Morgan's lost gold or the treasure of King Whatnot!

It's so disappointing after that great build up, that the viewers get no orgasmic ending or closure. NONE.  Then the show ends and you are left with nothing. No great treasure find. Just lost searches around the globe.

Don't tell me, "Oh, Fargo, it's about the journey and the hunt."


It's about the kill. The treasure. The gold. I do not want camera panning and climax building only for Gates to find a Dixie cup in the jungle. I think he really just likes to travel and is sucking our pockets dry to fund his program because we keep watching it. Gah.

And you guessed it...I keep watching it. Now I have Bug watching it and she says, "Oh, this is great.Why doesn't he ever find anything?"

I do not want to explain what anti-climax and climatic moments are.

So...does someone want to fund my international travel plans?