Did anyone see my latest on Uniform Stories? It's all about the Momster in me. Check it out here.
Some things I find amusing:
1. Gersh Kuntzman still has a job.
2. Gersh Kuntzman doesn't work for The Onion.
3. Gersh Kuntzman still has balls.
Did anyone see his follow up to his first article? It was equally just as bad.
I know, giving him more attention only helps his ratings. I can't help it. It's like a train wreck.
It is so much fun, these meme wars. They come in many flavors. I must share them as much as possible.
His latest maneuver cracked me up today. I think he might have cried when he wrote it. Some point in time, I might even feel sorry for him because we are all out here being a bunch of bullies.
However, when you exaggerate so much AND have an agenda, I just can't respect you. I can't believe you, Gersh. I'm sorry you are getting kicked around a lot, but I think you deserve it.
In honor of him, I am going to share a story of where everyone in it has some balls and some bawls. So Gersh [I feel I know him by first name basis] doesn't feel so alone, there were people crying in this story, too. But they were all girls.
The air was clean and fresh. Still about 60 degrees, it was one amazing fall evening. A slight breeze was blowing. And by a slight breeze...I mean a gentle one, not like a Wyoming breeze which is hurricane level 5.
As I strolled through the dark on the sidewalk to approach a residence with a runaway problem, the golden leaves rolled past me. It was beautiful. And it felt like Halloween. Boogety, boogety. The shadows played tricks. The air felt haunted. It was spooktacular. I loved it!
Meeting Grandma at the curb was such a refreshing change. A family member who cared. Wow. They still exist! Her granddaughter was being defiant, called her mother and told HER that she was not going to be home as she was partying at a friend's house. All at the ripe young age of 13 years. Grandma said, "HELLLL to the NO."
I really liked Grandma already.
Grandma was much too smart and located her naughty granddaughter who refused to come with her and then two other young girls slammed the door on her face. Not cool.
So enter...the POPO. By now, the child's mother had already signed her as a RUNAWAY in a nearby town. Little town punks moving in on my big city. Ha. They had no idea.
I knocked at the door and was greeted by two Prostitots. One was the runaway.
ME: Want to grab your shoes and backpack and come with me, please.
It was not a question.
KAYLEE:Fuck you, cop. I'm not going with you or her. [points to Grandma] I already told my mom.
ME: She signed you as a runaway.
KAYLEE: Fuck you.
OTHER GIRLS: Yeah, fuck you, cop.
ME: So, let me understand. You are refusing to go with me and your Grandma.
[Insert BuLLLLSHIIIT verbal Judo]
KAYLEE: Yep. Fuck you.
OTHER GIRLS: Yeah. Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here!
Well, there you go. I had my answer. So, Chief, I had tried verbal judo. Now I must resort to other means.
So. With one quick grab, I snatched up Kaylee's right arm and flung her out onto the lawn and down on the ground with a flying arm bar take down. It was all one beautiful motion. With my BRUTUS (as in Popeye) strength, I flung her a little long. And when I landed on top of her [not too hard mind you, I'm 135 and she was 110]...her face got a little smashed in the landscaping rocks.
On a side note, I keep telling my customers that landscaping rocks are great for some things, but sometimes they attract naughty children. The brats usually pick the rocks up and smash car windows or residential windows. No sense providing them with free ammunition.
This time they attracted a naughty child in a whole different way.
Well...I might change my mind about those rocks.
While she was smashed into the grit...I landed another extra jab for the FUCK YOUs and did a flying elbow to the back. No. Not really. But DANG IT! I wanted to. Police sometimes have naughty thoughts, too. We just don't act on them for fear of becoming unemployed.
I just handcuffed the disheveled Prostitot with small scratches on her cheeks and took her to the juvenile lock down. Rats. That was not going to look pretty for the boys. And her mascara was running because she was crying so hard.
ME: You really should try the waterproof kind. You are looking a little Marilyn Manson right now.
She was all of about 110 pounds soaking wet and by landing in the rocks on her pretty Prostitot face...she bawled like a big baby. So, see there, these mouthy teens are not as big shot as they want to lead us to believe. The disrespect can be eliminated. You just have to be firm and ballsy about it.
Her bawling was following by the other Prostitots chiming in silence and dropped jaws. And then there was Grandma....
GRANDMA: Yeah! [throws down a point job to her granddaughter] That's right! You mess with me and your mom, I bring out the big guns. The police. Yeah! Maybe you'll learn to be respectful and mind the rules.
I really liked Grandma.
Oh, yeah, and kids...FUCK YOU! Stop acting like assholes and listen to your parents.